Has anyone ever been so heartbroken from dating that they've emotionally shut down/become numb?

[Larissa1443]

 

 

I won't lie and say there isn't a part of me that wishes he'd miss me and message me. It's the fact that I don't mean anything, it's the fact that he can easily find someone else and move on like I never existed. It's the fact that people treat other people like mere conveniences to fill a void or are confused about where they are in life and bring you along into their confusion. 

I feel angry he never wanted a relationship with me but continued and only ended it when I asked for more. I feel angry to have gone on that second date with him when I shouldn't have gotten emotionally involved. I feel angry only I'm grieving and only I'm suffering with everything that happened. 

I'm also angry because no matter how many heartbreaks I've gone through and no matter how many times I get told "I deserve better", there's absolutely zero guarantee I'll find "better". In fact, in these 3 years I've been single, I've found a bunch of emotional unavailable people who couldn't care less about how they treated me. 

And people tell me I'm looking in the wrong places but oh-my-god, I've literally gone out with all ages, types, guys who are more serious, guys who are more laid back. I've gone on so many first dates it's not even funny. 

And now I'm just numb. I'm not even looking anymore, I quit believing there's someone out there for me because it has been 29 years of disappointments, hurt, lies, betrayal, abuse, gaslighting... 

I talk to other guys out of boredom now, nobody impresses me anymore, I don't feel attraction to anyone emotionally and can only see men now as a source of physical pleasure because they literally have added nothing to my life up until now. I don't feel empathy nor do I feel the need to treat people with consideration and decency because people will always put themselves first so I'm no longer putting them first either. 

I'm so sick of this feeling, I'm no longer the happy full of life energetic person I used to be. Slowly I'm regaining myself, but it's the fact that this guy who broke my heart can easily find someone when and how he wants and he's guaranteed to find his person whenever he's ready whereas I've been ready for years now and I get absolutely nothing thrown my way. 

Endless first dates that lead to nothing, second dates with guys who will ghost or play hot and cold, I've yet to meet someone who was consistent and didn't play games to the point where I had to walk away. I've yet to meet a decent guy who likes me that I like back and will have the least of something in common and chemistry. 

This other guy on a dating app on his profile said he was looking for a life partner, but couldn't even set up a proper first date and kept pushing to meet me at random times during the week. People aren't even honest about what they want on the apps and they think they can get away with it. I don't even filter anymore through that because it's no guarantee of being the truth. 

I'm so so tired of this feeling. I've got a lump on my throat for days and I've been crying. At this point I'm not even asking for a soulmate, but don't come into my life if you're gonna leave me with a supposedly """life lesson""". I want to be happy not miserable with lessons. 

After lots of self reflecting and spending time with my own self and enjoying my company as well as being with friends has made me realize I have so much to offer and I love myself and I think anyone should feel lucky to be with me and I've come to realize that all these men who did what they did, it wasn't because I wasn't good enough but rather THEY weren't good enough. And maybe honestly, I am just a ***ty individual but I just don't care anymore. I've done all the possible emotional work you can think of, I've been through hell and back and thought I'd find someone who's amazing but in turn I just got blamed for asking for respect and companionship. I now just want to be happy and have fun. I've spent way too many years crying for the wrong people who didn't bat an eye when it came to hurting me.

And surely, I might be doing something to attract these emotionally unavailable men, but at the same time, I'm not willing to put myself out there to learn more lessons, to realize what "I deserve" and all that BS. I wanted a relationship, I wanted a family, kids and all that jazz. But now I feel like the only option is sleeping around and having fun with as many people as I can, expectations are a buzz kill, expecting people to be decent is asking for too much. Looking for a serious relationship in this day and age does absolutely NOTHING but give you pain and trauma.

[1a1a]

Yep, yep yep yep yep, had about a 5 year drought where I found nought but emotionally unavailable men (and sometimes emotionally available men who did not light my fire). 
 

And I hardened and closed off too. Which made coming together with someone when he finally came along really really hard. 
 

No great advice really, just solidarity. In my case I was still wounded from the last time and I think that was impacting everything to do with dating. About 4 years in I worked away from home for 7 months, it was face meltingly lonely, when I came back I was a different person, way more comfortable with my own company. I feel like that was a step in the right direction of recovering from the last heart break (just you can go far, harden up too much. It’s hard to find that balance). 
 

Recommend accumulating a bunch of really good experiences flying solo. For me when I was on that working trip I went on countless solo missions to explore my surroundings (while my colleagues drank wine and talked about things that happened before I joined the crew). When I got back I realised all my best memories were from those solo trips. Empowering moment.

[Jaunty]

Well, good that you got that off your chest.   A full on self pity party is something that is called for from time to time in our lives.

Now that you've taken care of that, how about looking forward to how to choose a different path?

Believe me, I have empathy for you.  I have been very heartsick and frankly, felt like life was not worth living, in my time.   I know it's nothing to take lightly.

But realistically, a great deal of what you wrote was simply down to one single thing:  You pick horrible men and then give yourself to them.  They do something awful and you give more, and then when they do what every single wretched human being on Earth, man, woman or anything in between - will do (screw you over completely and dump you) - you give in to complete despair.  Which includes berating and hating on yourself.

But, it was a completely self directed situation.  YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM.

This is easier said than done, but the solution is basically simple:  Do NOT give yourself up to men until / unless you've developed a sense of trust.  That means that you will have opportunities to learn what the guys  are all about before you CHOOSE to put yourself in vulnerable situations with them.  

This will take time.  Plenty of men won't wait for this.  So, they need to move on. That will feel crappy, perhaps, but it's fine, because you only need to share yourself with a man who feels like getting to know you is worth his time.  If he doesn't feel like this - bye! 

You wrote:

Quote

 

I'm also angry because no matter how many heartbreaks I've gone through and no matter how many times I get told "I deserve better", there's absolutely zero guarantee I'll find "better".

 

 Well, welcome to reality.  NOBODY is guaranteed any of that.  Most of us "deserve better" than abusive, rude, careless, nasty people in our lives.  It doesn't mean we are going to get that.  

On the other hand, if we ACTIVELY CHOOSE and invite abusive, rude, carless, nasty people into our lives,  we are absolutely guaranteed to be dealing with what they bring to us.

So set yourself up better for success - that's how you love yourself.

Take care.

 

[MissCanuck]

It might be time to take a break from dating, OP. 

Get off the apps for a little while, and give yourself time to breathe. Get into a better headspace, and you will make better choices with men, too. I am not saying this is all your fault, but you are definitely trying to get relationships out of men who show you early on that they are to be avoided. 

4 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

expecting people to be decent is asking for too much.

No, it isn't. But you're sometimes expecting it from guys who treat you badly from the beginning. That part is on you. There are a lot of decent people out there but you won't find them when you waste time with clowns - and your previous threads suggest you are going to the circus too much. 

[Larissa1443]

I agree it's my responsibility to weed these people out. 

I think what "scares" me is the fact that guys who have dumped me and done terrible things to me were able to find their partner and do things for them I wouldn't even dream of them doing for me.  

As it has happened in the past, I don't even feel anything for them but I do feel like life hasn't been fair to me as in while they're married to the love of their lives, established, married etc and I'm here picking up the pieces from the last guy still who had nothing to offer me. 

Surely, in these 3 years of being single I would've met at least ONE decent guy, but even the ones who did like me turned out to be controlling and overly jealous about certain situations and I felt trapped. I've never had a truly genuine exchange where both of us are on the same page, want the same things and treat each other with respect. 

So I do understand it is on me to "choose" to keep these men in my life but there's also a frustration that every guy I meet either will lead to no second date, or when it does, something bad happens. Usually when I don't like the guy I'll know from date one or two and end it, but I've had guys who will string along and hang out until it becomes "too hard". Of course after this last one, I'm out as soon as the person shows something negative, but will I ever meet someone I'm into who's into me as well? The more time goes by the more that seems unrealistic. 

Sometimes people will say I have to be firm and people will respect me. I see so many women who are "angry" and are not afraid to say what they feel and guys will literally lick the floor the walk on, but when I try to do that, they leave lol. It's like either settle and be quiet and accept everything or set your boundaries and be alone. There's never been a guy who's like "oh wow this girl is worth keeping I better step up my game or I'll lose her" and lots of "meh, this is too hard, I'm out". 

I honestly feel bored around men now. I'm still talking to a few but mostly because I want to have sex and have "physical needs" and not because I want to get emotionally involved anymore as I simply cannot believe that there are any genuine people out there anymore. I've been trying for the past 2 years to put myself out there and got slapped in the face every single time. To me, everyone is just playing games or trying to show how much they don't care about the other, so I might as well join the dance and pretend. 

*sigh*

[Jaunty]

18 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

I think what "scares" me is the fact that guys who have dumped me and done terrible things to me were able to find their partner and do things for them I wouldn't even dream of them doing for me. 

You really need to stop this.   Many many people evolve and change.  Maybe these guys did.  That said, I doubt you have any real knowledge of how the lives of the deadbeats you've chosen to try to have relationship with turned out years after you saw them last.

18 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

Surely, in these 3 years of being single I would've met at least ONE decent guy

You never tried one.  Always thirsty for the ones who treat you badly, and you give them all of your time and energy.

Sadly, you seem pretty devoted to staying this course.  I sure hope you come to a place where you are willing to make some changes.  Your choice. 

Take care.  

 

[MissCanuck]

34 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

they're married to the love of their lives, established, married etc

How do you know any of this?

Unless you know any of them on a deep level, you have no clue what their lives are really like behind closed doors. 

35 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

I honestly feel bored around men now.

Then you need to stop dating for a while. You are doing yourself no favours by continuing when you are in such a negative frame of mind. 

36 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

I've been trying for the past 2 years to put myself out there and got slapped in the face every single time.

Tough love here: you lean into the victim role way too much. You have agency in the men you choose to return to, even when they treat you badly very early on. That is nobody's fault but yours. You are slapping yourself in the face by not leaving when you see huge red flags. 

You say you recognize your role in these bad relationships, but do you really? I see an awful lot of "woe-is-me" in your posts but not really that much in the way of looking inside yourself. You have made some choices that have hurt you. You can't blame the guys for that.

[Kwothe28]

14 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

You never tried one.  Always thirsty for the ones who treat you badly, and you give them all of your time and energy.

 

This. You say you want a relationship but you choose men based on physical attractivness, and say stuff like

41 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

I'm still talking to a few but mostly because I want to have sex and have "physical needs"

and

5 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

But now I feel like the only option is sleeping around and having fun with as many people as I can

Well I am sorry, but what you are chasing is what you get. You want to have sex and sleep around and you get the men who want the same. Raise some standards, dont look at men just through sex and maybe somebody decent would pop up after a while.

[Wiseman2]

On 2/28/2023 at 7:07 PM, Larissa1443 said:

 when I find someone I connect with in bed, it's almost as a love sentence. I'll put up with anything. I'm so afraid to be alone.  I told my therapist  I'm exhausted of these repeating cycles.

Listen to your therapist. Perhaps take a break from dating and especially high-risk sex. Unfortunately in trying to alleviate other issues, you're engaging in demeaning sex as a release, but feeling even more empty and "used" afterward .

In addition to continuing therapy, see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done, especially STD testing. 

If you fear you're choosing sex and sex partners who are destructive, see if this helps (in addition to medical and therapeutic support):

https://saa-recovery.org/am-i-a-sex-addict/self-assessment/

 

[boltnrun]

Having casual, uncommitted sex with randos and then getting upset when they don't want relationships is self destructive. Please strongly reconsider choosing this path. 

[Batya33]

Example I am sure most can relate to. I dated a guy who was wrong for me/not that into me/ended up having mental health issues that would have been a dealbreaker.  I walked away after 3 months.  I reconnected with my now husband approximately 5 weeks later.  Had I hung in there -I could have -he didn't end things with me - I wouldn't have been into meeting my future husband for the friendly catch up dinner he suggested and certainly not if that guy had called and been free that night. I was so over the moon about him for a few months! 

And I can bet my future husband -who was leaving town a month later -likely wouldn't have tried again and/or had the time or opportunity to meet me even if I were available the following month. 

That's my point -my example is not "about me" -I bet it's really typical -when you pick badly you're closing off options.  Because timing can matter a lot!!

[Larissa1443]

Well the thing is, I'm not looking for sex and expecting a relationship. I WAS looking for a relationship for the past 2 years and sometimes I'd get ghosted even if I waited some dates to sleep with the guy. Sometimes I'd get ghosted without even sleeping with them at all lol. 

So point is, having sex or not having sex, looking for a relationship has been nothing but a bunch of traumatic experiences that left me wondering if I'm even lovable in the first place and why is it that people are never interested in truly getting to know me when I know I have so much to offer. I hit rock bottom and honestly this past month I've never felt uglier and disgusted with myself than I was feeling when last guy dumped me. I went through a series of self doubt, low self esteem and questioning every single thing I've ever done. 

And truth is, I am someone who does enjoy/desire sex and there have been guys I've slept with that I could just have a FWB with. 

I've just come to terms that, looking for a relationship is setting yourself for disappointment because most people out there don't want to commit, don't want anything serious and they always think that the "next best thing" is one swipe away. I am sooo exhausted of being left feeling as if I'm not good enough and trying to figure out what I'm missing in order to fit in the life of someone I've developed feelings for. Or why is it that everyone I've developed feelings for is never returned. Why I can't have my own "happy ever after", it always has to be a "lesson", never a happy experience. 

Even the guy who lived with housemate he used to crush on would compare me saying his exes "had no issue with him having girl mates" but he never took into consideration that his so called perfect exes had never been in the situation I'd been - dealing with my SO living with another girl he used to crush on - so of course his exes were okay with it. I would've been too if the situation wasn't that one. 

I'm never seen for who I am, people always misunderstand me or make their own conclusions based on what they think, leave me without listening to my needs nor do they care. These past 2, if not 3 years, have been nothing but a massive disappointment when it comes to meeting people and it has taught me to never get my hopes up even if the guy talks to you every single day, picks you up at the airport and asks you to be his GF. That still doesn't mean he'll listen to you and respect your boundaries. That still doesn't mean he'll stay. 

I guess all I'm saying is, at least having sex and being emotionally detached won't get me into these situations. I crave human intimacy of course, so it's hard to shut this door permanently, but in terms of emotional connection I feel completely shut down. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

And truth is, I am someone who does enjoy/desire sex and there have been guys I've slept with that I could just have a FWB with. 

I enjoy and desire sex to -I'm sure that's fairly common -has nothing to do with your standards of who you choose to share your body with in intercourse.  If you are cool with sexual arrangements (I mean what you call an FWB -to me that's a close friend you then choose to have intercourse with when you both are in the mood) then go for it and be honest with yourself that it's very risky to do that if in fact you want to have a potential relationship with -sometimes it can morph into a romantic relationship but most often it doesn't and if you're ok with that -go and have fun!

Most people crave human intimacy -me too! -doesn't mean you have to have sexual arrangements with men you barely know and justify it as "I can't shut down the part of myself that craves human intimacy" - just do it cause it feels good and you're willing to accept all the risks and downsides.

[Starlight925]

I don't think you're attracting the wrong men.  Wrong men (and women) are everywhere.  It's more prevalent than ever, in this throw-away society of acceptable ghosting, last minute cancellations, and hookups.

Yes, those things have been around forever, but the dating world is more full than ever of it.

What you're doing wrong here is accepting these men.  Accepting behavior of someone who, as you said in your first post, can't even follow through to set up a first date.  Screen 'em quick.  Get to that first meet quick.  If they don't ask you out for a proper date within a couple of days, and set it up, then move on. 

If you're with someone for a while who turns out to be noncommittal, that's awful.  But find that out early.  You want to be with someone who wants to be with you.  Know how you'll know?  He'll make it known that he's looking for a forever person.  He'll make it known that he wants you to be with him.  There'll be no gray areas, no wondering what he's thinking, no eggshells.

I read this the other day, and it hit home for me so much:

"If someone likes you, you'll know it.  If not, you'll be confused".

Sounds super simple, and it is.  

I've spent years being confused by one guy or another.  Analyzing their every move, their every text, their every word, wondering why this, why that.  But the ones who really liked me?  I didn't have to wonder.

[Jaunty]

Your self image and esteem are completely dominated by the behavior of random strangers who you don't know anything about and who don't know you.  You give yourself away to them, they take advantage of that (nothing wrong with doing so, you offered) and you become devastated when they're satisfied with that superficial sexual contact.  

If you change your behavior and get a reality check regarding how you set yourself up for these disasters,  things will get a lot better.

Have you given any thought to why you are so attached to being a victim?

[Larissa1443]

4 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

 

I've spent years being confused by one guy or another.  Analyzing their every move, their every text, their every word, wondering why this, why that.  But the ones who really liked me?  I didn't have to wonder.

That is true

I also confuse the early stages of talking with being confused, especially as an anxious attached person. But now looking back, I've always felt like I had to "figure out" what the person was thinking.

However, there was one guy who I had no doubt liked me, he was always there and honestly I've never ever felt more safe in my life. He was the one moving in with the housemate. When we had our first conflict, which could've easily been talked out, he ended it with me. Which just proved my point that he still had feelings for her and he hid it very well. 

I guess it's a risk I'm not willing to go through, I've tried too many times and now I've just decided to let it go. 

 

[Larissa1443]

32 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

 

Have you given any thought to why you are so attached to being a victim?

I think it's so hard to find someone who will even take me on a second date that whenever things are going a bit further I get overly excited and just give myself in. Like the last guy, we made it to the sixth date, I have had that happen maybe 3 or 4 times in the past 4 years? All the others were a bunch of first dates, a few second dates or third that led to nothing... Or I wasn't mentally in a good headspace and ended up with a bunch of guys who didn't add any value either. 

I legit had one guy out of all of these who was super hot and attractive and we had a FWB for a while and it was honestly the "healthiest" relationship I've had. We'd hit each other up for sex and that was it. All other interactions with other men were messy and weird. 

When I go on dates now I just go to have fun, literal no expectations. Deep down I know it'll lead nowhere as most people have this "endless options out there" mentality.  

I craved emotional intimacy. I wanted to get to know someone on a deeper level, spend time together, do fun activities, to laugh together and have a fun time. To get to know their weird quirks and open up about my insecurities. I wanted walks in the park, cooking together and spending Saturday night at home watching a movie. I honestly cannot remember when was the last time I stayed in with someone and watched a movie and cuddled. It's been what, two years? If there's a God he knows how much I wanted to do those things with last guy and would trade having endless options for one in a heartbeat, but somehow the options that got presented to me were situations like I stated. I simply don't have any interaction with any guy at all. I don't even get to go out for breakfast or grab a coffee on a random date. I have NO ONE and I've had no one for the last 3 years and it's starting to become miserable. 

Yes it is my fault that I chose to stay in a lot of situations, but it isn't my fault having no idea what the person is like just through an app, which is where I met most of them. It's not my fault I haven't yet met someone who is worth keeping around. That's the issue. If I had, we'd be together. Three and half years single should've been enough time. I'm just exhausted from trying that's all. And I gave up. Giving up took away the weight of desiring something I'll possibly never have. 

[MissCanuck]

53 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

Yes it is my fault that I chose to stay in a lot of situations, but it isn't my fault having no idea what the person is like just through an app

Nobody does, so I am not sure that's relevant. 

But the last guy disrespected your body on the first date. That should have been you clue to stay away. You knew very early on that he was bad news and you continued anyway. 

You are big part of your own problem here. What are you going to do about that? 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

That is true

I also confuse the early stages of talking with being confused, especially as an anxious attached person. But now looking back, I've always felt like I had to "figure out" what the person was thinking.

However, there was one guy who I had no doubt liked me, he was always there and honestly I've never ever felt more safe in my life. He was the one moving in with the housemate. When we had our first conflict, which could've easily been talked out, he ended it with me. Which just proved my point that he still had feelings for her and he hid it very well. 

I guess it's a risk I'm not willing to go through, I've tried too many times and now I've just decided to let it go. 

 

What's an early stage of talking? What's that stage?  If you want to date talk while on a date with the person or a first meet.  If you already know the person and there's a mutual attraction typically that person if he is interested in dating you won't just talk/flirt but will ask you out on a proper date he plans in advance.  This guy with the housemate -did he ask you out or you just assumed he "liked" you - sure some people will like you/flirt/ find you attractive and doesn't mean they want to date you -he did nothing wrong.  Did you even date this person?

There's no early stage of talking unless the next stage is "ok we're done talking let's meet up and hook up" -that's the talk of seduction - I mean mutual - sexual arrangements.  I think you're thinking of yourself as "rejected" by men who have never asked you out on a proper date but just "talk" to you and you assume they "like" you. Move on from that ASAP if you're actually interested in dating. Those men however might be appropriate for when you say you want a sexual arrangement.  

A man who wants to date you doesn't want to "talk" as a "stage" for fear if he doesn't ask you out you will get snapped up by someone else. Or you can ask him out if that's your preference.

There is no need to figure out anything because if a man asks you out on a date he plans in advance it's common sense - this man obviously wants to take you out on a date otherwise he wouldn't have asked.  It is that simple.  Don't overcomplicate and then tell yourself you feel numb from chasing unavailable men.

I'm going to give you a standards-related example and my sense is you would have balanced it a different way.  When I was 38 I met up with friends at a bar. One of the guys I knew somewhat -he was really nerdy and socially awkward - brought his younger brother who likely was late 20s. 

He was hot looking and a successful and well educated corporate type.  I was single. We started chatting and after a few minutes he relayed this anecdote about a recent date he had and pretty soon he shared how she went to give him oral sex (it was supposed to be funny).  As soon as he said that I said something very direct like I'm uncomfortable talking about that and I changed the subject. 

Two minutes later he starts in again about the blow job he received.  I said "ok I'm done" (just that direct) and walked away. Didn't speak with him again (his brother I'd spoken to many times and he was a respectful person) 

I told my female friend later -she knew him fairly well and she thought I overreacted/he's so nice/cute/professional, etc. My sense was either he was flirting with me and/or wasn't interested in me at all -treating me like one of the guys I guess- but I bet if I'd flirted back he'd have wanted to hook up with me.  He was checking me out, etc. 

My friend made excuses for him.  (She was married at the time-she was just commenting).  I bet in a similar situation you would have too because of what he looked like, his charm other than mentioning the oral sex and acting disrespectfully, etc.  You'd have rationalized hooking up, maybe even been turned on some by how he continued the sex talk even when you said no.

  You'd have tried to figure out what he was thinking -oh -he probably was signaling that you would give a better blow job, etc.  So I'd stop overanalyzing and realize a person will tell you who he is pretty early on -if you're willing to look past the hotness.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

I legit had one guy out of all of these who was super hot and attractive and we had a FWB for a while and it was honestly the "healthiest" relationship I've had. We'd hit each other up for sex and that was it. All other interactions with other men were messy and weird. 

Of course it's easy to meet up with someone for sex -no responsibilities, no need to show you care and if things get messy with life situations you can walk away in a blink of an eye knowing that you don't have to support/help/risk conflict - there are no expectations and there is no ghosting cause you just hit each other up to have his penis inside of you until hopefully he orgasms and maybe you do too then you get dressed and go on with your day or evening or REM sleep and think fondly of how pleasurable it was to have his hot body inside your hot body.

if you define relationship as relating -yes you two are relating to each other sexually.  But it's nothing like a dating relationship or a romantic relationship let alone anything with a commitment and promises of loyalty and caring and compassion.

It's like a friend/former colleague I had who routinely met up with men -married, single, whatever as long as they were hot -for hooking up or sex.  She came back from one encounter telling me how he couldn't perform after all because he was guilty about betraying his wife and she made fun of the car he drove because it was some sort of station wagon meant for a family but he didn't have kids yet. 

It was easy peasy because she had no ties to him other than she'd gotten naked with him in his business hotel room - and it was fun for her to mock him after - he was mostly just a body/penis to her and the penis part didn't work so buh bye. Easy peasy.  

I think it's very healthy when two consenting adults meet up for sex and both understand what it is and isn't.  For those who enjoy it it's fun, pleasurable - but it's not a "healthy relationship" in the way you say you want one.  It's a healthy sexual arrangement. 

[Jaunty]

23 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

 Like the last guy, we made it to the sixth date,

But WHY?  On the first date he insisted on bareback (you went along) and tried anal without your consent.  WHY would you ever want to see that bottomfeeder again?  

23 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

I have had that happen maybe 3 or 4 times in the past 4 years? All the others were a bunch of first dates, a few second dates or third that led to nothing

You're all mixed up.

When we are looking for a real relationship, the sooner we move on when we KNOW that it's not a match, the better.  That makes for plenty of first dates.  

There's no glory in going out several times with somebody who doesn't treat you well, or who is clearly a lowlife individual with nothing to offer you.  

[catfeeder]

23 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

But the last guy disrespected your body on the first date. That should have been you clue to stay away. You knew very early on that he was bad news and you continued anyway. 

You are big part of your own problem here. 

Yep, this is crucial to consider ^^^. 

Users can easily sense those who allow themselves to be mistreated. This guy had you pegged right off the bat, and he harmed you on date-one.

... and you went back and saw him again.

That's trashing yourself.

But it isn't just the predators who can sense self-trashing. The kind of partner you WANT can ALSO sense this, and that's why he will just pass.

It's kind of like someone sitting in a road self-harming while asking people who walk by to date them. And then they complain that some mean people even kick them.

Please pick yourself up out of the road, honey. Stop dating, stop FWBs--just stop messing with men for a while.

There is nothing that anyone else can give to you that you cannot give to yourself. <-Once you can prove this to yourself and you can feel good about it, then you're ready to date.

 

[Cherylyn]

Even though my story is not the same as yours,  I can relate.  I've felt embittered and resentful from relationships / friendships which went awry. 

I try to put a positive spin on it though.  Once you've observed and experienced a person's true character at their ugliest and nastiest,  you realize what they were and will be capable of which is very scary.  It's like burning your hand on a hot stove.  You're more careful and you'll do whatever it takes to avoid feeling the same type of pain. 

I've shut down emotionally but I don't look at it negatively anymore.  Suffering during the past was not all in vain because you grow wiser.  You learn how to navigate your life more shrewdly and use common sense instead of banking on hope or wishful thinking. 

You judge people to your advantage which makes you smarter with your current and future decision making.  You choose people who will give you a good life whereas others don't qualify.  

Life gives you hard, very harsh lessons learned.  You learn how to control your life from this day forward by making smart choices.   

Focus on joy and thriving on a new life without toxic people in it.  (For those who cannot avoid undesirable people in your life, enforce healthy, strong boundaries.) 

[TheCrow]

Larissa,

I could've literally written your post word for word when I was your age. I knew what I wanted, what kind of man, both looks and personality-wise. I knew nothing but falling madly in love would do. And I wasn't getting anywhere year after year, fling after fling. Nothing was different on the day I met my husband. I was the same lonely desperate  mess..who was lucky enough to find herself in the right place at the right time, no more, no less.

All you can do is keep trying, keep getting yourself out there. 29 is ridiculously young. You've still got it all way ahead of you, the biggest love and happiness, the best most amazing experiences.. you'll get there in the end as long as you keep going!