Scared husband wants a divorce.

[Einsam25]

I’ve been married for over 10 years, together for 20 years total.

I all of a sudden, this past week or so developed this fear that my husband wants to divorce me. I don’t know if I’m noticing micro changes or something but I just feel off, and my stomach is constantly in knots and I feel anxious.

I have never felt this before so I won’t if my intuition is just trying to tell me something.

if so, I’m very isolated in a different country than my home country and if we split he wont let me take the kids back to my home country.
I love him so much still, but I wonder if he even feels the same anymore. 
we still talk and laugh, but life has been stagnant lately with the cold weather.

I don’t know, maybe he’s bored of me? I always thought the day would come that would happen, but I never planned for it. 

I really don’t know what to do. talking to him about it is totally useless, he really doesn’t do those kinds of emotions, doesn’t comfort through tears, doesn’t reassure me about things. But not in a bad way, he’s loving and kind in other ways just talking about these things don’t work with him.

Thanks for letting my get this out. 
I have to tell myself whatever is going to happen will happen, and to just continue being happy. But if he’s not happy, I don’t want to tie him down with me still. You know?

 

thanks again 

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, Einsam25 said:

I have to tell myself whatever is going to happen will happen, and to just continue being happy. But if he’s not happy, I don’t want to tie him down with me still. You know?

I'm sorry you're feeling anxious.  Why do you think you have no say/no control? How about asking him out on a date and planning a fun date? Even if it has to be while the kids are asleep and you do this at home -a "datette" - suggest a fun movie or show to watch, make a yummy treat to share or feed each other and watch it together.  Maybe something you both have seen but it brings back memories of your courtship? Don't talk about feelings or ask for reassurance -borrrrinnnngg - plan an activity that's fun/lighthearted even if it's just a show and ice cream sundaes.  

I got my husband a big band CD (or was it jazz??) I heard advertised on public radio a couple of years ago- he's into that -and now he will randomly play it and remind me I got it for him.  It's sweet and the music is romantic and joyous.  Even when we're super busy-we often telework- we'll chat about Wordle that day or send each other fun articles or gross ones by email and if we take a break from work try to find stuff to laugh about -because -you know with the pandemic the last few years (etc etc) life has been a bit of the doldrums right? 

It doesn't need to be about Talking About Feelings.  Have some fun.  Ask him to dance with you in the living room.  In front of your kids -I mean most kids love seeing their parents being a little silly/flirty/romantic.  

I'm sorry you're feeling anxious! We've been married over 10 years together around 18 this time around -one teenage son.  

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @Batya33.  You don't have to talk about feelings.  Don't create unnecessary drama.  If he's loving and kind,  appreciate what you have.  Many men are not loving and kind.  They are the complete opposite so consider yourself very fortunate.  Bring joy into your marriage and family life because nothing else is important.  Focus on his kind and loving character because it's priceless.

 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Einsam25 said:

I don’t know, maybe he’s bored of me? I always thought the day would come that would happen

This is eye-opening. It suggests you have never felt secure in this relationship - why is that? 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Einsam25 said:

 I’m very isolated in a different country than my home country and if we split he wont let me take the kids back to my home country.

How long have you lived in this country? Is your husband from this country? Do you speak the language fluently? Is the culture significantly different from yours?

You seem to have a lot of anxiety and catastrophizing including custody in the event of divorce, when there's no divorce to looming.

Do you work? Do you have health insurance? See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

While it's good you can talk to your husband, if you feel you need someone to talk to about inner emotions and uncomfortable thoughts, a therapist to confide in and support you may be a good start.

[Einsam25]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you lived in this country? Is your husband from this country? Do you speak the language fluently? Is the culture significantly different from yours?

You seem to have a lot of anxiety and catastrophizing including custody in the event of divorce, when there's no divorce to looming.

Do you work? Do you have health insurance? See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

While it's good you can talk to your husband, if you feel you need someone to talk to about inner emotions and uncomfortable thoughts, a therapist to confide in and support you may be a good start.

Yes I am fortunate to speak the language fluently, we’ve been here 5 years. 
I do work part time, but not enough to support us financially if needed, and pay for childcare.

You may be right, I did look for therapy. 

[Einsam25]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This is eye-opening. It suggests you have never felt secure in this relationship - why is that? 

I am a very insecure person yes, always have been due to my childhood and events following. I met him when I was 18.

I think he’s better than me in all ways. I don’t really know how to NOT think of that. 
i love him so much, that I think I love him more than he loves me, and he has all the power. Not just financially. 
it’s kind of sad really to write it out lol. I need to place more value in myself. 

[smackie9]

Cook him a nice meal, then ask him how things have been with him lately. Let the conversation flow get reconnected. 

[Coily]

From the information you have given, you both are in your late 30s? It really sounds like you two have grown comfortable and stale in your relationship, plus having children is no small complication.  As Smackie above said, time to reconnect. Spend some time really connecting with each other; and do some of those things that made you love each other.

Hitting middle age is tough enough, but I think some spark or passion about the relationship is a place to start. Now things could be on a downward slide for the marriage; but until proactive measures are taken this will just become a self fulfilling prophecy.

[boltnrun]

What exactly has he said or done that makes you believe he wants a divorce?

[SooSad33]

Sorry to hear of your concerns 😕 .  But, can you explain more about these 'feelings'?  It is normal for a couple to just be 'comfortable' with each other and be off to do their own thing etc.  BUT, you do still need to feel okay with one another as well. ( No disrespect, ignorance, feeling lost, etc).

It takes you BOTH to make things work. So, no need to dig too deep, but you should also be able to voice your concerns if you're truly feeling things have changed...

I think it has been mentioned to maybe try to get things good again by remembering to try & keep it going by doing things together still like date nights.  Just the two of you now & then.

Anyways, a divorce is a big deal.  Maybe you're just feeling a little off about things - is sad if he's showing distance your way ( and you're so insecure?).  It won't help... But, you should be feeling secure enough in this relationship. And the worst way to be is to be so unsure IF there's something wrong. Either way, is best not to just sit in this spot, but deal with it.

 

 

[Andrina]

Besides being a wife and mother, have you carved out any time for just you? Doing something to fulfill your creativity or enjoying a supportive group of friends? If not, time to look into a new hobby for yourself, where once or twice a week, it's your husband's responsibility to hold the fort down. Not only is that important for you, it's often the case where a spouse will see you in a whole new light they are impressed with, and you have something new and interesting to talk about.

I hope you can find a new spark with your husband to make you feel more satisfied with your marriage. Just like when your car is stuck in a rut and you have no choice but to put in the heavy work of pushing it out, marriages sometimes need a big shove. What do you think would work better? Being teary eyed and saying to your husband: I don't feel like you love me. You never caress my hair. You never say I'm pretty. 

Or: Giving him a sly smile and say, "I bought some new massage oil. Thought it'd be fun to try it on each other after the kids go to bed."

Sometimes when you start putting in effort, your spouse will be enjoying it so much, he'll do the same.

And let's just say the marriage didn't work out. You want to start now, building a nice life for yourself if you have no choice but to remain in this country until your children are grown. That means building friendships and enjoying activities you can have a passion for. Take care and keep us updated.