I think my boyfriend drinks behind my back

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Amara7777 said:

We’ve been together for a few months.. I don’t know how to help him.

How long have you been together? Unfortunately you're at the stage when red flags and deal breakers appear and this is what you're noticing .

You seem to not want to let go of the good parts of the relationship but the rosy glow is wearing off and your instincts are making you aware of hidden problems. 

Don't make the mistake of trying to fix, change or "help" him. That simply sets up a loop of codependence with cat-and-mouse games. He'll resent your insinuations, trying to control him and you'll resent the red flags you're noticing.

You've only invested a few months and you may have to consider if you're compatible or not. It's unclear why you believe his muscle atrophy condition is part of the issue of hidden drinking. Did he claim he "needs" to drink because of it? 

[poorlittlefish]

12 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Do you know if his doctor recommends drinking alcohol as a treatment for his condition?

I can't see any doctor encouraging a patient to drink alcohol as a 'treatment' or form of escape from their condition.  That would be rather reckless and potentially damaging advice.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, poorlittlefish said:

I can't see any doctor encouraging a patient to drink alcohol as a 'treatment' or form of escape from their condition.  That would be rather reckless and potentially damaging advice.

Yes but she said he has this disorder with his muscles yet doesn't see a doctor and isn't on meds (the latter could be normal -I know nothing about what she's referring to)

OP why is it important to you to be treated like a queen as opposed to a - person who's respected and cared for? Do you enjoy the initial pampering? It doesn't sound like he's treating you like a queen when you express your concerns to him about his drinking.

Please don't try to be his hero- these are early days -don't get enmeshed in this whole woman as all knowing mama/therapist/helper to her man.  It's not healthy.

[Tinydance]

I'm sorry but I don't think there's anything you can really do. If your boyfriend actually is an alcoholic then you won't be able to stop him unless he actually wants to stop himself. Even if he has a drinking issue but it's not really your job to be watching over him and checking whether he's an alcoholic and how much he's drinking. 

[boltnrun]

6 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

I can't see any doctor encouraging a patient to drink alcohol as a 'treatment' or form of escape from their condition.  That would be rather reckless and potentially damaging advice.

That was my point. Sometimes people self medicate and hide it from others, particularly their partners and their doctor. I was trying to get the OP to see that his medical condition would not ever be treated with alcohol, so if he's using his illness as an excuse it's just another indication of an addiction problem. 

[Amara7777]

16 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You can't "help him". If his drinking is so out of control he's hiding bottles, he's not at a point where he thinks he needs to stop let alone seek treatment or professional support. 

Does he work? Who takes him to buy his alcohol if he's unable to drive?

Yes, he works. We live in a place where you can easily walk to supermarkets and shops.

[Amara7777]

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What baggage are you referring to? You've mentioned this a couple times. 

Yes, there is no doubt that he does. He's carting around alcohol in his coat and backpack, which indicates that his problem is much bigger than he's letting on. Most people don't need to bring liquor with them everywhere they go, which is essentially what he is doing. He's using it to get through the day. 

You can't. He doesn't want to admit he's got a very obvious problem with drinking, so nothing you say is going to get through to him. Until he recognizes the problem and wants help, you are going to be pulling teeth with him. 

I would bet the farm that others in his life have also confronted him about his drinking. He got very upset very quickly, which tells me you're not the first person to call him out on this. 

When I say baggage, I’m talking about his depression and negative feelings about his health condition. He says it makes him feel so tired and beaten up all day long and needs something to relax at night so he drinks. He doesn’t get drunk and there hasn’t been any problems so far related to his drinking. The only thing is my concerns when I found that bottle and assumed he could be drinking at other times as well. I confronted him about it and he says he understands my concerns but he doesn’t think he’s an alcoholic and he doesn’t think he has a problem. He said I speak as if this is a huge issue and now he feels like he has to deal with two - his health condition and his drinking.

[Amara7777]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been together? Unfortunately you're at the stage when red flags and deal breakers appear and this is what you're noticing .

You seem to not want to let go of the good parts of the relationship but the rosy glow is wearing off and your instincts are making you aware of hidden problems. 

Don't make the mistake of trying to fix, change or "help" him. That simply sets up a loop of codependence with cat-and-mouse games. He'll resent your insinuations, trying to control him and you'll resent the red flags you're noticing.

You've only invested a few months and you may have to consider if you're compatible or not. It's unclear why you believe his muscle atrophy condition is part of the issue of hidden drinking. Did he claim he "needs" to drink because of it? 

Yes, he claims he feels so exhausted and hates that feeling his condition gives him so he needs to relax - and only alcohol gives him that feeling. He also claims he knows the alcohol is tricking him into feeling that way but says he hasn’t found another thing that can help him forget about his condition for a few hours at night.

[boltnrun]

Perhaps he needs to see his doctor more frequently than once a year.

[Amara7777]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes but she said he has this disorder with his muscles yet doesn't see a doctor and isn't on meds (the latter could be normal -I know nothing about what she's referring to)

OP why is it important to you to be treated like a queen as opposed to a - person who's respected and cared for? Do you enjoy the initial pampering? It doesn't sound like he's treating you like a queen when you express your concerns to him about his drinking.

Please don't try to be his hero- these are early days -don't get enmeshed in this whole woman as all knowing mama/therapist/helper to her man.  It's not healthy.

When I say treated like a queen I mean cared for and put first. He always does it and he always motivates me and supports me. He’s my best friend, in fact we started as friends before getting into a relationship. We feel like we have a special bond even though we’re so different at first glance. We can both be ourselves. This is why I can’t just throw our relationship away.

I understand what you mean. I have tried to help him with his depression by suggesting various techniques he can do to shift his mindset. I just want to show him a different perspective on life as he’s been beaten up by it… and suffers because of his health condition.

[smackie9]

He has a problem yes. If you really love him you will confront him in a compassionate way. He needs to get proper medication to deal with his issue, or at least try medical cannabis/CBD oil. 

Alcohol is linked to 8 different types of cancer, so drinking is not a healthy way to self medicate. Like most alcoholics, part of the disease is lying, denial, hiding it. He needs help. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Amara7777 said:

He doesn’t get drunk and there hasn’t been any problems so far related to his drinking

It is a problem when someone uses alcohol as a coping strategy, which is what he is doing. 

It is a problem when someone brings a supply of alcohol wherever they go, which is what he is doing. 

2 hours ago, Amara7777 said:

I have tried to help him with his depression by suggesting various techniques he can do to shift his mindset. I just want to show him a different perspective on life

Be careful. It is normal to care about people we love, but you need to be mindful not to slip into Florence Nightengale mode. You can't help someone who doesn't really want to be helped. And if he truly wanted help, he'd be seeing his doctor more than once a year. 

2 hours ago, Amara7777 said:

He said I speak as if this is a huge issue and now he feels like he has to deal with two - his health condition and his drinking.

Well, that's because he does need to deal with them. The last thing a depressed person with a chronic health problem needs to be doing is drinking away their sorrows. The problem runs deeper here than just alcohol abuse. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Amara7777 said:

When I say treated like a queen I mean cared for and put first. He always does it and he always motivates me and supports me. He’s my best friend, in fact we started as friends before getting into a relationship. We feel like we have a special bond even though we’re so different at first glance. We can both be ourselves. This is why I can’t just throw our relationship away.

I understand what you mean. I have tried to help him with his depression by suggesting various techniques he can do to shift his mindset. I just want to show him a different perspective on life as he’s been beaten up by it… and suffers because of his health condition.

Are you a trained therapist? And if you were obviously you can't be a boyfriend's therapist.  Perhaps his suffering is exacerbated since as you say he's not under a doctor's care.  I would shy away from suggesting any techniques -you are the wrong person to do so.  If he sees you doing a certain technique and is curious about it, tell him. 

Show him a different perspective on life by living a life -your life -that is active, fun, fulfilling.  If he enjoys your special bond as you do he will be inspired and he will come to you full of interest and curiosity.  If he doesn't it's not your place to tell him what he should do or how he should shift his mindset.  If he's a victim of being beaten up by life he has to choose what resources to access to help himself.  Alcohol should not be one of those resources because it's not a resource -it's the opposite.

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Amara7777 said:

I understand what you mean. I have tried to help him with his depression by suggesting various techniques he can do to shift his mindset. I just want to show him a different perspective on life as he’s been beaten up by it… and suffers because of his health condition.

Yup, these are real challenges 😕 .

But, with him being an adult ( not sure his age...), but I am pretty sure he is well aware of his 'options' out there.

Is HIS choice to turn to drink - to solve this problem, which is sad really 😕 , cause drinking can make it all worse ( I hope he see's this too).

As mentioned - can he see his dr about his pains etc?  Has he?

[catfeeder]

On 3/14/2023 at 3:47 PM, Amara7777 said:

...says he needs a drink every night to relax...

Okay, so he's told you that he's drinking. Any idea why he'd still feel compelled to hide it?

[Coily]

A very speculative thought came to mind, and it's one I a. Hesitant to say, but here it goes.

Could he be fearful about the medications he could be prescribed? What has he taken in the past for it, and are they potentially addictive?

This is by no means a justification, but alternativeS to consider when  you have a calm caring discussion.

[Jibralta]

On 3/15/2023 at 1:40 PM, Amara7777 said:

This is why I can’t just throw our relationship away.

Leaving is not throwing your relationship away, though. It's exiting a destructive situation, and acknowledging the fact that you have no power to control it. 

Have you read anything about codependency? It's a very common condition where one person unflaggingly supports another person's addiction, bad behavior, and/or physical or mental health problems. Learning more about it will help you.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/15/2023 at 1:40 PM, Amara7777 said:

I understand what you mean. I have tried to help him with his depression by suggesting various techniques 

You seem like a caring person and concerned about his health and habits. He is not helping himself and he's misusing alcohol for self-medicating.

This is much to complex an issue for anyone but his doctors and therapists to help him with. You may need to step back and observe his self-destructive behaviors because alcohol contributes significantly to  depression, muscle wasting and overall physical and mental health problems.

What he needs to do is see a physician for an evaluation of his physical and mental health and get some follow up and tests done. 

 

[Andrina]

You're letting the fact you care for this man cloud your judgement. In the right relationship, your heart and brain will match in your confidence of being with a partner. In this situation, your heart is overriding your brain's doubts.

Another sign a relationship is wrong for you is hoping for a major change for you to be happy.

I know I'm one of those people who would find it a dealbreaker for my partner to drink on a daily basis, even if he appeared not to be drunk. 

Dating is hard, because sometimes you have to make hard decisions about ending things, since most people who have dealbreaker behavior also have wonderful traits.

You already tried communication and he blew up. Basically, for alcoholics, the alcohol will always be the priority, not any human being. Go to an Al-Anon meeting if you don't believe that. It'll be quite educational, if you choose not to be in denial and attend. Take care.

[greendots]

On 3/14/2023 at 7:52 PM, Amara7777 said:

We’ve been together for a few months. Yes, I’ll stay alert. Thank you for the advice!

I know that what you're hearing from us is not hopeful at all. It hurts since he's such a nice guy who treats you right with a stable job. Reality is, he's relying on alcohol to cope with life. He's going through some really dark stuff. Sadly, it's going to get worse.

You've been together for a few months, so he's able to hide his addiction as a functioning alcoholic. But be aware, that if you were living together–you'd see the real deal. And it's not pretty.

I'm familiar with this as unfortunately, at one point in my life, one of my housemates was a recovering alcoholic who relapsed. Needless to say I moved out.

Please highlight what boltnrun said below.

On 3/14/2023 at 8:02 PM, boltnrun said:

he's not at a point where he thinks he needs to stop let alone seek treatment or professional support. 

As frightening as it sounds, he needs to commit to that next step, which is to seek professional help. He isn't ready. Trust me. Some addicts aren't ready to take that next step until they hit rock bottom. Do you want to see him hit rock bottom?

Also, highlight what Jibralta stated:

8 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Leaving is not throwing your relationship away, though. It's exiting a destructive situation, and acknowledging the fact that you have no power to control it. 

You need to protect yourself before it's too late. Sure, find him a community he can reach out to once he is ready to commit. But please, protect yourself.