I think my boyfriend drinks behind my back

[Amara7777]

Hello.

My boyfriend (33) has a muscle wasting condition so he’s naturally stressed and feeling bad about it and says he needs a drink every night to relax and not think about it. He doesn’t drink much around me, or gets drunk or changed behaviour. But I found a liquor bottle in his cupboard and small liquor bottles he carries in his jacket or backpack which makes me think he drinks more than he shows me. I confronted him about it and he got upset and defensive, saying I’m calling him a raging alcoholic. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much. He’s very sweet and caring, he loves me and puts me first always. It’s just his baggage and now this issue that makes me doubt whether he’s being honest. I don’t know what I can do to help him or resolve this. Please give me advice! Thank you

[Cherylyn]

You can't change nor control him.  Accept him and his drinking habits (alcoholism) or don't have him as your boyfriend.  He loves his drink more than you.  I'm sorry.  My late father was an alcoholic and alcohol addiction is powerful and stronger than people in an alcoholic's life.  Alcohol is a drug.  Their bottle takes top priority ALWAYS.  Either accept or reject him.  There is no in between because alcohol will always win over you.

[boltnrun]

Do you know if his doctor recommends drinking alcohol as a treatment for his condition?

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Amara7777 said:

 I found a liquor bottle in his cupboard and small liquor bottles he carries in his jacket or backpack which makes me think he drinks more than he shows me. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been together? Do you live together?  

Is he under a physician's care, attending physical therapy, mental health therapy? Does he work or is he receiving disability? Is he on medication for his condition?

If you think he's self medicating through excessive drinking, step back and observe.  Has drug use or drinking (whether recreationally or self-medicating) presented issues before?

 Reach out for info and support for yourself:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

 

[Coily]

Before just assuming he's an alcoholic, the question I have is what does he consider a drink before bed? Is it a small amount of spirits, like the old traditional night cap? Or is he getting drunk?

Is this something that he's discussed with a physician?

It's not a good look on his part, though I would ask why does he feel the need to hide his drinking around you or anyone?

[gamon]

He's carrying small bottles of liquor around.

Yes that's a BIG problem.

 

 

[Batya33]

I'd also be concerned if he is taking medication for his condition where he needs to be careful about medication interactions with alcohol. Also do you think he drinks and drives?

[Mister Nobody]

Why does your boyfriend need to drink behind your back. He should be able to drink whatever he wants in front of you.

If you or your religion don't accept alcohol consumption find a boyfriend that has similar opinions.

[gamon]

If he drinks "behind your back" doesn't that mean he drinks in front of you?

 

 

[gamon]

1 minute ago, Mister Nobody said:

Why does your boyfriend need to drink behind your back. He should be able to drink whatever he wants in front of you.

If you or your religion don't accept alcohol consumption find a boyfriend that has similar opinions.

Sound advice right there!

You'll do well here.

/sarcasm off

 

[Amara7777]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been together? Do you live together?  

Is he under a physician's care, attending physical therapy, mental health therapy? Does he work or is he receiving disability? Is he on medication for his condition?

If you think he's self medicating through excessive drinking, step back and observe.  Has drug use or drinking (whether recreationally or self-medicating) presented issues before?

 Reach out for info and support for yourself:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

 

We’ve been together for a few months now. He doesn’t do therapy no. He works from home. The drinking hasn’t presented issues so far, it’s just my worry that it could become worse especially if he hides from me. Thank you.

[Amara7777]

29 minutes ago, Coily said:

Before just assuming he's an alcoholic, the question I have is what does he consider a drink before bed? Is it a small amount of spirits, like the old traditional night cap? Or is he getting drunk?

Is this something that he's discussed with a physician?

It's not a good look on his part, though I would ask why does he feel the need to hide his drinking around you or anyone?

He drinks a bit but he doesn’t get drunk. My concern was whether he drinks more or during the day when I’m not watching. He denied but I saw a bottle of liquor disappear over a week.

[Amara7777]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd also be concerned if he is taking medication for his condition where he needs to be careful about medication interactions with alcohol. Also do you think he drinks and drives?

He doesn’t take medication and doesn’t drive.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Amara7777 said:

He doesn’t take medication and doesn’t drive.

Is he under the care of a doctor on a regular basis?

[Coily]

Just now, Amara7777 said:

He drinks a bit but he doesn’t get drunk. My concern was whether he drinks more or during the day when I’m not watching. He denied but I saw a bottle of liquor disappear over a week.

That's definitely concerning to see that much gone in a week, unless he's throwing wild benders for dust bunnies. Having seen a friend become an alcoholic to spite his ex wife when she would yell and get violent for him drinking small amounts; I would suggest you make observations before pushing this harder, as he may drink to "get away with it."

Take it slow, but also know what you may be dealing with. Encourage him to improve before ultimatums.

I genuinely wish you the best, as this is a very difficult thing to confront.

[Amara7777]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Is he under the care of a doctor on a regular basis?

No, he isn’t.

[Amara7777]

12 minutes ago, Coily said:

That's definitely concerning to see that much gone in a week, unless he's throwing wild benders for dust bunnies. Having seen a friend become an alcoholic to spite his ex wife when she would yell and get violent for him drinking small amounts; I would suggest you make observations before pushing this harder, as he may drink to "get away with it."

Take it slow, but also know what you may be dealing with. Encourage him to improve before ultimatums.

I genuinely wish you the best, as this is a very difficult thing to confront.

Thank you for the advice!

[Batya33]

How do you know he has a muscle wasting condition and how does he know if he's not under the care of a doctor?

[greendots]

He could be a functioning alcoholic. How long have you been together? Truthfully speaking, carrying small bottles of alcohol everywhere is a red flag. Unless there is a solid reason as to why you need them with you.

I'd honestly advise you to stay alert. Should he be addicted to alcohol–that'd be a big issue he needs to deal with long-term. I've seen relationships not survive due to one being an alcoholic.

[boltnrun]

My grandfather was an alcoholic and he didn't miss a single day of work in 30 years. Not all alcoholics are lying in an alley somewhere with a half empty bottle inside a paper bag or hanging out in sleezy bars getting crap faced.

If he won't go one day without drinking alcohol he likely has an addiction problem. If he does, what are you prepared to do?

[Amara7777]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

How do you know he has a muscle wasting condition and how does he know if he's not under the care of a doctor?

He’s been diagnosed years ago. He doesn’t require to be under the constant care of a doctor. Just yearly appointments.

[Amara7777]

2 hours ago, greendots said:

He could be a functioning alcoholic. How long have you been together? Truthfully speaking, carrying small bottles of alcohol everywhere is a red flag. Unless there is a solid reason as to why you need them with you.

I'd honestly advise you to stay alert. Should he be addicted to alcohol–that'd be a big issue he needs to deal with long-term. I've seen relationships not survive due to one being an alcoholic.

We’ve been together for a few months. Yes, I’ll stay alert. Thank you for the advice!

[Amara7777]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My grandfather was an alcoholic and he didn't miss a single day of work in 30 years. Not all alcoholics are lying in an alley somewhere with a half empty bottle inside a paper bag or hanging out in sleezy bars getting crap faced.

If he won't go one day without drinking alcohol he likely has an addiction problem. If he does, what are you prepared to do?

I don’t know what to do because I love him truly. And he loves me. We have a great relationship to be honest. He motivates me to become better, he supports my dreams, he’s there for me, he treats me like a queen. It’s just his baggage and now this - it’s so hard for me because I don’t want this to be over but I’m afraid of what could happen in the future. I don’t know how to help him. I don’t want to lose myself either.

[boltnrun]

You can't "help him". If his drinking is so out of control he's hiding bottles, he's not at a point where he thinks he needs to stop let alone seek treatment or professional support. 

Does he work? Who takes him to buy his alcohol if he's unable to drive?

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Amara7777 said:

It’s just his baggage

What baggage are you referring to? You've mentioned this a couple times. 

10 hours ago, Amara7777 said:

My concern was whether he drinks more or during the day when I’m not watching.

Yes, there is no doubt that he does. He's carting around alcohol in his coat and backpack, which indicates that his problem is much bigger than he's letting on. Most people don't need to bring liquor with them everywhere they go, which is essentially what he is doing. He's using it to get through the day. 

6 hours ago, Amara7777 said:

I don’t know how to help him

You can't. He doesn't want to admit he's got a very obvious problem with drinking, so nothing you say is going to get through to him. Until he recognizes the problem and wants help, you are going to be pulling teeth with him. 

12 hours ago, Amara7777 said:

I confronted him about it and he got upset and defensive, saying I’m calling him a raging alcoholic

I would bet the farm that others in his life have also confronted him about his drinking. He got very upset very quickly, which tells me you're not the first person to call him out on this.