Am I being selfish or should I help my mother?

[electricorchid]

This month I’ve been absolutely overloaded with work to do. I work two jobs, and my mother asked me to do a en entire custom gown for her trip to Europe. With enough time I’m able to do it but recently she’s been guilt tripping that it’s not done in time when meanwhile it took her two weeks to make up her mind on what color of the dress  and the final design. Now we are 3 weeks late and out to her trip & I kept being realistic in telling her I didn’t want to over promise her anything and under-deliver. 
 

In my day job I work in sales and this month I had a very serious chat with my boss, as she was warning me they laid off a ton of people at the company and that I need to get my numbers up for the month. I’ve basically been put on a probation, I’ve shared this with my mother and she continually says she “understands” but then starts making me feel like I’m not wanting to help her. And the thing is I do, but its been a long time since ive made anything custom made and it takes a lots of critical thinking. 
 

The other day we got into a massive fight because I know, and she knows as my mother she does a lot for me. I will never deny that. She helps me and cooks me lunch every once in a while, but this project needs a lot more guidance and focus. On top of that for my second job I feel utterly overwhelmed bc I have an pop up event that I have to set up for an event for my brand and I have so much to do for that as well. 

I recently injured my Ankle and i have ti now put two hrs of my insane schedule aside for physical therapy. 
 

Where I feel I lost credibility is when I told all of my friends to leave me alone this weekend because during the day hrs i was going to help my mom on a project. And so I did help her but then at night I went out for a few hrs and she got mad at me. She says ive neglected her. But truly i was just blowing off steam and i couldnt function if i dont go out of my home for a few hrs bc I work fully remote in both my Jobs. 

I just honestly want to know, Am I a bad daughter for not helping her this month with this? Shes called me a bad daughter, blamed me for her tardiness on the dress, I told her whether we get it done together or not she should buy a backup dress bc I’m scared. 
 

i just want to know am I being selfish? The other day I broke down emotionally bc I feel so ***ing guilty and overwhelmed with pressure from my job to now her. 

[Cherylyn]

No, you're not being selfish.  Your livelihood takes top priority.  Tell your mother that if you don't perform according to your boss's expectations, you are vulnerable to losing your job.  Learn to say, "NO" and develop a backbone.  Your mother needs to figure out what to do about her dress.  Your financial and career survival comes first.  Do what's right for your life. 

Hope your ankle feels better soon.  Take good care of yourself because no one will do it for you. 

Speak up.  Get tough and stay strong.  Remain adamant, steadfast and unwavering.

[redswim30]

You're NOT being selfish, your mother is.  

I assume b/c you work two jobs you are an adult over the age of 21? 

You have to take care of yourself first.   That's not selfish, that's self-preservation. 

You don't owe your mother anything.  Not this dress or anything else.   I'm about to say something controversial, but this is just MVHO-  I will never understand parents who think/feel that their children "owe them" ANYTHING.  If you choose to have children, that's a choice that YOU made and that child owes you nothing in return for that choice. They didn't choose to be born to you. They don't owe you favors, taking care of you, or bowing to your every whim.  That's not to say kids shouldn't do nice things for their parents, I'm talking about the parents that demand it or act like it's a given that they are "OWED" and sometimes dictate what they feel they are "owed". No matter the child's age this is unhealthy, but especially for an adult child. 

BACK TO YOU- If you are an adult (as I'm assuming you are), your mother is again CHOOSING to let you live there, CHOOSING to cook for you or do you favors, and whatever else she is CHOOSING to do. 

Those are HER CHOICES.  You don't "Owe her" anything in return for those choices.  If you can and want to do something for her within reason, that's great!  However, if you physically, emotionally or in any other way CANNOT, then you cannot.  That does NOT make you a "bad daughter."  Frankly, knowing that you're in pain with your ankle, your demanding jobs, and the fact that despite all these challenges you are STILL trying to help her and her response is to treat you BADLY and try to emotionally blackmail you makes HER a BAD MOTHER.   That response from her is not kind, helpful or fair.   She's being incredibly selfish and cruel. 

My two cents, tell her simply and honestly that you aren't sure you can complete the dress.  If she's  worried about it, she needs to make alternative plans.   Tell her you can't handle the amount of stress on you right now or be constantly working and need to have free time for yourself.   Understand that she is likely going to respond badly, just try not to let it effect you.  You HAVE to take care of yourself.  

In the meanwhile, I'd start looking for other places to live.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, electricorchid said:

 I told her whether we get it done together or not she should buy a backup dress bc I’m scared. 

Good call. You seem to have a lot of pressure at work and that comes first. If your mother is the type to pout, that's ok she'll get over it. Work first. Favors second.

[Batya33]

45 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

 I'm about to say something controversial, but this is just MVHO-  I will never understand parents who think/feel that their children "owe them" ANYTHING.  If you choose to have children, that's a choice that YOU made and that child owes you nothing in return for that choice. They didn't choose to be born to you. They don't owe you favors, taking care of you, or bowing to your every whim.  That's not to say kids shouldn't do nice things for their parents, I'm talking about the parents that demand it or act like it's a given that they are "OWED" and sometimes dictate what they feel they are "owed". No matter the child's age this is unhealthy, but especially for an adult child. 

I hope this is not controversial!!! I could not agree more.  I too hate that attitude.  My parents and my husband's parents never treated us that way as a child or an adult.  I do tell my child as relevant that as part of the family we're a team and therefore he has to help the family and do his part and sometimes make sacrifices as we all have to - whether it's cleaning up after himself, waiting to do something fun or get something we said he could have because of whatever is going on that requires a delay, etc. Not because he owes us anything in the respect you wrote above.  I agree!

If I wanted my child to do the kind of work the OP's mom has asked her to do I would ask him if he wanted to and I would pay him/compensate him in some way.  

OP- you do have to learn to say a simple no. Maybe as a compliment sandwich.  "Mom, I really appreciate when you handroll sushi for me for lunch (;-) ) or offer to pick up my drycleaning or buy the particular kind of bananas I like - that is so thoughtful and helpful.  Right now my plate is overloaded to a point where my boss has noticed my productivity falling off and not in a good way.  I have to prioritize my job[s] right now and I simply do not have the time to continue to work on your gown.  Should I try to find a seamstress who can finish it? I should have time to make a few calls.  I really appreciate your understanding about my situation.  I know you will have great clothes to take on your trip!"

[electricorchid]

55 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

You're NOT being selfish, your mother is.  

I assume b/c you work two jobs you are an adult over the age of 21? 

You have to take care of yourself first.   That's not selfish, that's self-preservation. 

You don't owe your mother anything. 

BACK TO YOU- If you are an adult (as I'm assuming you are), your mother is again CHOOSING to let you live there, CHOOSING to cook for you or do you favors, and whatever else she is CHOOSING to do. 

Those are HER CHOICES.  You don't "Owe her" anything in return for those choices.  If you can and want to do something for her within reason, that's great! 

I come from a very different upbringing, I do feel incredibly guilty in needing to return favors for them only bc I'm 28 and living at home and they've allowed me to move in (& I dont pay a dime, just groceries) but it's also because they said they support me in saving money in rent to grow my business. My parents are very generous with me, however I feel like after I moved in, they feel like I owe them most of my time. They basically don't have their maid anymore, and although they dont want to admit it, my way of giving back is by picking up after them, I clean the house 80% of the time for all of us and do a ton of other favors theyve asked of me bc I want to live in a clean space even for myself. They are constantly demeaning what I do for them around the house too.. like always belittling and telling me I don't do any chores. Which I know is not true but also I don't know If it's because they're getting older but they've neglected cleaning their own bathroom sometimes too and I feel like I pick up after them a lot. 

I also feel because my mom is a housewife and she has triple the amount of time to cook, run errands, and do things around her home that she assumes bc I work remote that I CAN make the time. And I want everyone to know, I really did try but then I started calculating the hrs it would take + what my job requires of me now just to even KEEP it, and I decided I couldn't do it. I can't help but feel guilty... her words really hurt me the other day.

[electricorchid]

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

"If I wanted my child to do the kind of work the OP's mom has asked her to do I would ask him if he wanted to and I would pay him/compensate him in some way.  

OP- you do have to learn to say a simple no. Maybe as a compliment sandwich.  "Mom, I really appreciate when you handroll sushi for me for lunch (;-) ) or offer to pick up my drycleaning or buy the particular kind of bananas I like - that is so thoughtful and helpful.  Right now my plate is overloaded to a point where my boss has noticed my productivity falling off and not in a good way.  I have to prioritize my job[s] right now"

I like this idea, way that you worded it! Thankyou ❤️ although about the compensation thing: I do want to clairfy that It's not even about the money for me, it's genuinely about the fact that I have two friends right now in my industry and people around who who are having a rough time getting employed, and I need to show top performance at my work right now and dedicate my time to that.  

Literally any moment they see me on my phone and or like this past weekend, a long distance friend who decided to come into town and I almost never see him (literally 3 months at a time) invited me for a bit to go out, and then both my parents start guilt tripping me. 

Today my father threw his business card in my face and was like "remember this?" I asked you to design my logo and you never did. Which, my jaw dropped to the floor, because that's not how I remember the story... I remember I designed a couple of ideas for him, he literally didn't like any of them, and then he hired someone else (a professional graphic designer) to do his logo because he wanted a different perspective or second opinion and I wasn't offended at ALL. And now he's twisted the story after hearing my mom and I argue, he's like "You did the same thing to me, you never helped me." This is the psychological verbal manipulation I'm dealing with day in and day out. I really don't know anymore if this is worth living here and putting up with this sh*t. Thankyou for letting me vent... I'm sorry this message was so long.lol

[electricorchid]

51 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Good call. You seem to have a lot of pressure at work and that comes first. If your mother is the type to pout, that's ok she'll get over it. Work first. Favors second.

I feel like I'm going crazy, I thought it was just me you guys... Thankyou for validating that it's okay to be honest with my own time/schedule. I AM in fact, incredibly stressed.. You have no idea. I have a dream job that my friends and family would kill to have, and I'm blessed but I need to work hard in order to continue here. My dad and mom are basically telling me to stop victimizing myself bc I'm not the victim, because I'm "making up" excuses not to help and little do they know, im so frustrated and sad with myself that I just don't have the TIME to help. 

[Batya33]

37 minutes ago, electricorchid said:

also feel because my mom is a housewife and she has triple the amount of time to cook, run errands, and do things around her home that she assumes bc I work remote that I CAN make the time. And I want everyone to know, I really did try but then I started calculating the hrs it would take + what my job requires of me now just to even KEEP it, and I decided I couldn't do it. I can't help but feel guilty... her words really hurt me the other day.

You know -if your mom is from a different generation (I am 56) I can see- maybe -where it looks like remote work isn't real work.  Especially if she doesn't work outside the home.  So I'd have better boundaries.  I lived at home till age 28 -when I finished grad school. 

When I had to study -weeks at a time! -for exams and when I had a really big exam that required more like 7 weeks to prepare and a prep course too! - my parents were really really respectful of not disturbing me while I was studying but when my sister and her family came over and I still had to study I would tell the kids that they couldn't come into my room because it was Aunt ___'s Office.  They learned to refer to it as my office.  I mean often just a label like that works for people who are um a bit clueless (yes I understand your mom might be intentionally clueless....)

This is tricky though because you are living there so there's that weird adult/child morphing going on too.  I am not criticizing you for living with your parents (!!) -I get why you made that choice -but it can make boundaries harder to navigate.  Surely your father who works understands that remote work is work?

Ask your mother -I don't know -let's say she had something in the oven or was cooking and you wanted her to do X for you right then even though that would risk her recipe not coming out right/burning food/losing track of when to add other ingredients.  I mean I'm trying to find an analogy here.  

I'm really sorry you're struggling and totally get why you need to vent!! You're also probably physically exhausted too and that doesn't help. I hope you can resolve this.

 

[redswim30]

14 hours ago, electricorchid said:

I come from a very different upbringing, I do feel incredibly guilty in needing to return favors for them only bc I'm 28 and living at home and they've allowed me to move in (& I dont pay a dime, just groceries) but it's also because they said they support me in saving money in rent to grow my business. My parents are very generous with me, . They are constantly demeaning what I do for them around the house too.. like always belittling and telling me I don't do any chores. 

I can't help but feel guilty... her words really hurt me the other day.

You ARE paying, OP.  Just not in money. Every choice in life comes with a price, just not always monetary.  You are paying an emotional and psychological price to live there. Your parents are being abusive.  I think you'd be better off finding your own place, and paying in money. It's less destructive. 

This is the problem with living with parents as an adult.  Often, no matter how old you are, that dynamic returns.  The problem is, you aren't a child anymore and they shouldn't treat you that way, especially if THEY are choosing to let you live there.  You don't owe them chores or anything else.  Again, they are CHOOSING to let you live there.  They wouldn't make that choice unless THEY got something out of it.  And make no mistake, they ARE getting something out of it.  They are getting you back in the "child" role and trying to control you.  Of course you feel guilty, they are guilt-tripping you! 

If you stay there, this dynamic will only continue.  Either accept that this is the actual price you pay (in emotional and psychological  abuse) to live rent-free OR move out.   If I were you, I would move out.  You can find roommates to share the load of the rent.  IMVHO, you'd be happier, less stressed and ultimately, healthier.   I think it's worth spending a little for peace of mind and being able to live fully as an "adult".  They've shown you who they are and how they intend to treat you and the price they expect you to pay emotionally to remain in their home.  You either accept their price by staying or refuse to accept abuse in exchange for housing and leave. 

 

[electricorchid]

On 3/14/2023 at 9:36 AM, redswim30 said:

You ARE paying, OP.  Just not in money. Every choice in life comes with a price, just not always monetary.  You are paying an emotional and psychological price to live there. Your parents are being abusive.  I think you'd be better off finding your own place, and paying in money. It's less destructive. 

They've shown you who they are and how they intend to treat you and the price they expect you to pay emotionally to remain in their home.  You either accept their price by staying or refuse to accept abuse in exchange for housing and leave. 

 

I couldn't agree more. I submitted an application for an apartment yesterday, I was like shaking while doing it, because it's more than I intended to pay but I have to sacrifice myself for a little bit and get used to it. Otherwise things will remain the same and I can't afford to be emotionally suffering everyday. 

Every fight, day in and day out is affecting my energy at this point and is probably affecting my job. So I have to take a risk. 

[Batya33]

46 minutes ago, electricorchid said:

I couldn't agree more. I submitted an application for an apartment yesterday, I was like shaking while doing it, because it's more than I intended to pay but I have to sacrifice myself for a little bit and get used to it. Otherwise things will remain the same and I can't afford to be emotionally suffering everyday. 

Every fight, day in and day out is affecting my energy at this point and is probably affecting my job. So I have to take a risk. 

That is really impressive! You should be proud of yourself especially since you were feeling shaky!

[electricorchid]

Thankyou guys for taking the time to write me and walking me through this. It's been a really shaky time for me, It's been so scary taking this risk but I know it'll be good for me. Thanks again from the bottom of my heart. ❤️ 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you, and I'm so glad you're choosing to move out.

Your parents know how to press your buttons because they installed them. The problem with trying to 'adult' around parents is that this happens about the time that they tend to regress. So they can prevent you from growing forward by holding you back with their own backslide into immaturity. It's bad enough that they can turn as manipulative as children, but even worse--they're better at it.

You've given your mother fair warning to shop for a dress, even while you're doing the best you can. Worst case scenario is that she'll need to wear that dress, while the best is that she gets to return it. Not exactly a tragedy--I'd keep it in perspective FOR her.

Head high, you can do this.