Found out ex mother passed need advice

[sweetlady]

So a couple of weeks ago a photo of my teenager came up when he was little. Anyway no excuse but went onto my ex Facebook.But suppose it was strange as he had me blocked but I was unblocked. Scrolling down saw photos of his mother and then a grave on main photo in back ground.

I did stupidly message asking did his mum pass away but deleted it thinking if he wanted us to know he would of told us. I got a message to say he saw but not answering my question.

I suppose I thought of my son but have said nothing. 

I have just left it now. Would you just leave it now?

Don't really want to speak to my ex and thought about reaching out to my son's uncles. None have bothered with my son in ages.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, sweetlady said:

Don't really want to speak to my ex and thought about reaching out to my son's uncles. None have bothered with my son in ages.

Then I would not reach out to any of them. 

If you ex had wanted you to know, he would have told you. It seems none of them care about you or your son, sadly. 

[sweetlady]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Then I would not reach out to any of them. 

If you ex had wanted you to know, he would have told you. It seems none of them care about you or your son, sadly. 

That's what I am thinking too. It's still like niggling at me and if I sit with my son feel like I am hiding something from him. He never say his grandmother and they were not in contact as he doesn't see his dad.

I still feel sad myself she was apart of my life a short time but guess best to leave it. I might open a can of worms up I don't want to.

[Batya33]

I would leave it under the circumstances -if your son ever asks simply tell him you believe his grandmother passed.

[MissCanuck]

41 minutes ago, sweetlady said:

 if I sit with my son feel like I am hiding something from him. He never say his grandmother and they were not in contact as he doesn't see his dad.

Then consider that randomly mentioning this to your son may only be a painful reminder for him that these people are not in his life at all. 

I would leave it unless he asks about her someday. 

[sweetlady]

I feel so bad he sitting in front room with me now.

I don't like this but agree with both of you

[Batya33]

Just now, sweetlady said:

I feel so bad he sitting in front room with me now.

I don't like this but agree with both of you

I have a teenage son.  Think about how many times as a parent you've had to tell yourself some version of "I don't like this/this is hard but I know it's the right thing to do as a parent" - this is one of those times.  

[Cherylyn]

I'll go against the grain here by saying I would reach out with simple, brief, well mannered and graciously sincere condolences.  It doesn't hurt to be kind during times of mental tumult such as death of their loved one.  However, this doesn't mean there's any continuation of correspondence.  You can still enforce healthy boundaries after extending kind words and be done with it.  It's a classy thing to do IMHO.

[Batya33]

Just now, Cherylyn said:

I'll go against the grain here by saying I would reach out with simple, brief, well mannered and graciously sincere condolences.  It doesn't hurt to be kind during times of mental tumult such as death of their loved one.  However, this doesn't mean there's any continuation of correspondence.  You can still enforce healthy boundaries after extending kind words and be done with it.  It's a classy thing to do IMHO.

One way to do this - look up the obit and if a charity is listed give a donation and have a card/email notification sent to the family.  That way it's indirect and doesn't require a response.

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

One way to do this - look up the obit and if a charity is listed give a donation and have a card/email notification sent to the family.  That way it's indirect and doesn't require a response.

Or, send a postal sympathy - condolence greeting card so it's one way communication instead of two ways.  It's sent, done and over with; without back 'n forth electronic dialogue.  Even in this electronic age, I send postal cards for all sorts of occasions specifically for this very reason.  It's sent and I'm finished.  Often times, I do not want a reply or response because this means an open electronic conversation which I wish to avoid.  I do this habitually for condolences, thank you notes, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, declining invitations or whatever.  This is the benefit of old-fashioned postal mail. 📫📩

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

Or, send a postal sympathy - condolence greeting card so it's one way communication instead of two ways.  It's sent, done and over with; without back 'n forth electronic dialogue.  Even in this electronic age, I send postal cards for all sorts of occasions specifically for this very reason.  It's sent and I'm finished.  Often times, I do not want a reply or response because this means an open electronic conversation which I wish to avoid.  I do this habitually for condolences, thank you notes, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, declining invitations or whatever.  This is the benefit of old-fashioned postal mail. 📫📩

Yes so in my experience often the bereaved then send a thank you.... I did this when my then ex's grandmother died except he told me.  Via email.  I made a donation and over a year later his mom -my future MIL! - sent me the loveliest letter in response.  And apologized for the delay.  So I'm not saying it's necessary at all just many families send thank yous for the sympathy cards- obviously it can just be perfunctory and end correspondence.  

By contrast I learned of a long term ex bf's passing of his father then his mother (within a year -very very sad) because we have mutual FB friends.  He did not tell me though. His parents were lovely to me.  They were lovely people.  But -- he is married now. He didn't tell me.  So I decided not to acknowledge because the risks of annoying his wife (and or him!) by "showing up" even with snail mail -wasn't worth it.  It's a delicate situation!!

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Yes so in my experience often the bereaved then send a thank you.... I did this when my then ex's grandmother died except he told me.  Via email.  I made a donation and over a year later his mom -my future MIL! - sent me the loveliest letter in response.  And apologized for the delay.  So I'm not saying it's necessary at all just many families send thank yous for the sympathy cards- obviously it can just be perfunctory and end correspondence.  

By contrast I learned of a long term ex bf's passing of his father then his mother (within a year -very very sad) because we have mutual FB friends.  He did not tell me though. His parents were lovely to me.  They were lovely people.  But -- he is married now. He didn't tell me.  So I decided not to acknowledge because the risks of annoying his wife (and or him!) by "showing up" even with snail mail -wasn't worth it.  It's a delicate situation!!

With snail mail, I've never had a negative response which was always to my advantage.  Postal mail was sent and if there was disapproval, I never knew.  I did my diplomatic part and it was over and done with.  It was final.  I proceeded with my peaceful life and they too did likewise.   

Electronic back 'n forth correspondence whether text, email, social media, voicemail, etc can be dicey if there are comments or replies which I tend to avoid if I wish to send my message without responses.