Make or break?

[Beebee1234]

I live with my ex partner as we split 4 weeks ago. We have a joint mortgage and two children. We had been in a relationship together for over a decade. 

We’re still quite friendly as the split was mutual as we’d fallen out of love with one another. 

I’m not sure if that spark will ever return. In the meantime we are working on finding our own individual happiness. 

I’m lucky that he works unsociable hours so it’s not like we have to spend every evening together.

He said he will be the one to move out (eventually) but said that time apart in the meantime would be healthy.

I have suggested that when he is away for two nights with work that he check himself in to a B&B for a further three nights so he can get a taste of what life would be like living on his own. He said he would think about it. 

The biggest problem which he will openly admit is that he doesn’t know what he wants… and I won’t put my life on hold whilst I wait for him to decide if he wants to be a single guy or a family man… 

I know 5 days apart non contact isn’t a great deal of time but that would be the reality if/ when he leaves due to work commitments he would only see the children twice a week. 

I’m not sure if it’ll achieve anything but thought it was worth a shot to see if we feel differently afterwards… 

This may come across that I am FOR us getting back together but I feel like only time will tell as right now I would say I enjoy his company when he is around as another adult/ friend but not romantically no. 

I’m a strong, independent woman… it certainly doesn’t scare me being on my own and I haven’t shed a single tear over the break up. But I think deep down there is that thought in the back of my mind that what if I miss him? I’m guessing that probably a normal…

Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? 

[Andrina]

In my mind, a better use of time is to see if a spark can be relit with quality romantic/sexy time together. Especially since you have children together, and since you don't mention any dealbreaker activity.

Relationships are like houseplants. If you don't tend to it, failing to shower it with attention, it will die.

In your shoes, I'd have a discussion of amping things up. Go pick out new stuff for the bedroom at a couples store. Take turns planning a weekly date night/day, doing things you normally wouldn't do. Be more creative than dinner or a movie.

Besides sex, give each other back or foot massages. Write each other notes of what you appreciate about each other. 

At least if you did that, even if the spark couldn't reignite, you'd know you pulled out all the stops and that the loving feeling is gone. You two could feel more confident about splitting. To me, space never solves anything.

[boltnrun]

I reread your previous post.  He said he doesn't love you anymore and broke up with you.

I wouldn't be trying to cater to someone who has said he doesn't love me anymore. 

Have you consulted a family law attorney just to see what your rights are?  Do you have emotional support from family and friends?  Have you looked into resources to help emotionally support your kids in case they need it?  That's what I would be focusing on.

[Batya33]

Also $$ he spends on a B&B is money taken away from your children.  With little benefit....

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I reread your previous post.  He said he doesn't love you anymore and broke up with you.

I wouldn't be trying to cater to someone who has said he doesn't love me anymore. 

All of this. 

In your other thread, you also revealed that this is not the first time you two have broken up. Having him stay elsewhere a couple times a week so he can feel what it's like without you isn't going to make any difference. Two break-ups means that it's over either way. 

So, focus instead on the bigger picture and initiate formal separation procedures. That will include separating your living quaters permanently. 

Is he still out drinking and partying a lot? 

[catfeeder]

I would get legal advice, pure and simple. Learn your options, rights, responsibilities and the best steps to take for each option. Then you are operating on REAL information, the rest is just pffft.

Disassembling a household is unfortunate and tricky work. Learn about it, and don't get distracted by focusing on imaginary future outcomes.

[Cherylyn]

If he doesn't know what he wants, then it's an unreliable feeling for you because you can't depend on him to be the type of optimal partner and family man.  He's insecure which will make you feel unsteady.  He's not stable and solid.  He's flaky. 

Your strongest power is that you are an economically independent woman.  Embrace it and keep moving forward.  Your partner will only drag you down.

Twice a week is better than nothing regarding his father duties as you co-parent.  Hopefully, he'll contribute monetarily as both of you raise your children together albeit separately.

Does absence make the heart grow fonder?  Only if mutual love and sincere care exists to sustain the relationship in earnest.  If there's apathy and indifference, then no, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder.  To the contrary, long stretches of absence feels like good riddance and RELIEF. 

[SooSad33]

On 3/11/2023 at 9:20 AM, Beebee1234 said:

We’re still quite friendly as the split was mutual as we’d fallen out of love with one another. 

I’m not sure if that spark will ever return. In the meantime we are working on finding our own individual happiness. 

It is normal to 'miss' each other, as you've been together a number of years..... BUT, you admit it's done now.  

Then yes, is best you two look at actually working on 'accepting' it now.

Right now, I'd say YOU are in Denial.  There's stages of Grief. This is how it starts. ( Denial, anger, depression and on it goes ( Often in waves...) until you can 'accept'.

I suggest you just look ahead now.  And let him go do his thing.  Is good he'll be away, you're right, it'll be an example of the way it will be.

It's time now... isn't it?  You now BOTH need to see how it is.  Yah, it's part of a split - the fear of the unknown.  ( I took a cpl yrs to get over my ex fully- but I did).

So, do what is best!  For all of you.