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One of my female friends used to sleep with married men and this idea puts me off


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So she (25F), is a girl that I know from middle school. In January we reconnected and we used to talk on a daily basis mostly because she initiates conversations. She is very needy as she doesn't have many friends. 

Well, I continued talking to her mainly because I don't have many close friends either, but I find myself more and more disturbed by the fact that she used to sleep with married men. At first, I tried to let it slide, to avoid being judgmental, but it became really disturbing. I guess it is also due to the fact that her main topic of discussion is related to men and men who text her on Instagram. 

She is quite obsessed with gym and posting on Instagram and all sorts and I know it's not necessarily her fault 100%, but her shallowness is off putting. When I used to show her some guys I dated, she told me that they are really ugly. Anyway, that's not the point of this post. My point is that we are incompatible in fundamental ways. 

I don't know how to put a stop to this wannabe friendship in a gentle way. A friendship that I also fed by talking to her. I know I am at fault as well, I don't want to hurt her, and I don't really know how to approach this. 

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Just do the slow fade. I was and am friends with women who slept with married men. I have never.  Over the years I was put off by one of these women because she didn't think what she was doing was wrong in the least, chased him incessantly and when he committed suicide she told me she blamed the wife (at that point they were only having sex occasionally, their interaction was more sort of emotional friendship (she was single) and she could tell he was depressed.  I was disgusted by her blaming the wife. I don't think she ever met the wife.

But I am not friends with people where the values are incompatible to an extent where I can't feel on equal footing. But it's a personal, individual thing - in one case it was because in general she behaved very childishly about money and finances -and she was married to an underemployed guy and they have a child - and she also would try to pass drug tests for jobs by finding a workaround (I don't know -I guess something you can buy on the internet?).  I didn't like how entitled she behaved, didn't like how she took her MIL for granted  who moved hundreds of miles to their town to help the struggling family.  It was cumulatively too much for me. 

I don't think it's right to have an affair with rare exception (I have one in mind but yes, rare exception).  I can be platonic friends with someone who has done that depending on the circumstances.  I wouldn't have dated someone who did.

 

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17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Just do the slow fade. I was and am friends with women who slept with married men. I have never.  Over the years I was put off by one of these women because she didn't think what she was doing was wrong in the least, chased him incessantly and when he committed suicide she told me she blamed the wife (at that point they were only having sex occasionally, their interaction was more sort of emotional friendship (she was single) and she could tell he was depressed.  I was disgusted by her blaming the wife. I don't think she ever met the wife.

But I am not friends with people where the values are incompatible to an extent where I can't feel on equal footing. But it's a personal, individual thing - in one case it was because in general she behaved very childishly about money and finances -and she was married to an underemployed guy and they have a child - and she also would try to pass drug tests for jobs by finding a workaround (I don't know -I guess something you can buy on the internet?).  I didn't like how entitled she behaved, didn't like how she took her MIL for granted  who moved hundreds of miles to their town to help the struggling family.  It was cumulatively too much for me. 

I don't think it's right to have an affair with rare exception (I have one in mind but yes, rare exception).  I can be platonic friends with someone who has done that depending on the circumstances.  I wouldn't have dated someone who did.

 

Thank you for your answer. Well, I've been trying to do the slow fade. Two days in a row I taking longer in replying to her texts, but she instantly noticed it and asked what is the problem. I don't think it will work. She even told me that she is the only one who initiates conversations and so on. 

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5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In this situation the "slow fade" may be the best approach. Stop confiding, be bland, boring, one-word answers,etc. Slowly but surely be 'busy' all the time and so on.

I have done that and she instantly noticed, as I told Batya. And to make the matters worse, she saw that I deleted some pictures from our conversation (pictures with a guy I used to date, but I wanted to delete them as I felt it wasn't right to share them. They were normal pictures, but still wanted to remove them. She considered my gesture weird and I guess she just got it. She feels like something is off. 

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5 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

Thank you for your answer. Well, I've been trying to do the slow fade. Two days in a row I taking longer in replying to her texts, but she instantly noticed it and asked what is the problem. I don't think it will work. She even told me that she is the only one who initiates conversations and so on. 

Yes so you respond by ignoring the question - oh yes thanks for reaching out! I've been busy with stuff and if things quiet down I'll be in touch - just a lot going on -I know you understand.  Take care!

My former friend who lied on work applications and all the rest -she reached out after ghosting me for over a year - all of a sudden she wants to be friends.  I've done the slow fade/conversation stopping responses and she seems to get it -my boundaries now with her are:  I will like her FB posts that talk about her or her kid/husband accomplishment, I will respond if she is ill or somethign happened -she is very accident prone with "I hope you feel better" -I don't not care. I just refuse to put myself out there again. And I want to keep things at a polite distance.    Every few months she texts me on a holiday or some reaching out and I am polite but like "thanks for reaching out and to you as well -hope you and your family are well!"  After that I would stop responding.

I will say when she first reached out she said I was on her mind and I responded non-commitally -then she wrote something like -she had been thinking of me and was everything ok and I was clear in my response -that I was surprised she was concerned about me given how long it had been since she was in touch with me.  She didn't respond.

I wouldn't mention the values thing.  She won't get it especially since she is so so so looks-focused.

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46 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

. She is very needy as she doesn't have many friends. 

It's important to have boundaries. If she seems nosy, intrusive or like she wants free therapy the onus is on you to step back and find diplomatic ways to sidestep her. Be busy and boring. Reset your social media privacy settings if she's being too nosy.

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8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes so you respond by ignoring the question - oh yes thanks for reaching out! I've been busy with stuff and if things quiet down I'll be in touch - just a lot going on -I know you understand.  Take care!

My former friend who lied on work applications and all the rest -she reached out after ghosting me for over a year - all of a sudden she wants to be friends.  I've done the slow fade/conversation stopping responses and she seems to get it -my boundaries now with her are:  I will like her FB posts that talk about her or her kid/husband accomplishment, I will respond if she is ill or somethign happened -she is very accident prone with "I hope you feel better" -I don't not care. I just refuse to put myself out there again. And I want to keep things at a polite distance.    Every few months she texts me on a holiday or some reaching out and I am polite but like "thanks for reaching out and to you as well -hope you and your family are well!"  After that I would stop responding.

I will say when she first reached out she said I was on her mind and I responded non-commitally -then she wrote something like -she had been thinking of me and was everything ok and I was clear in my response -that I was surprised she was concerned about me given how long it had been since she was in touch with me.  She didn't respond.

I wouldn't mention the values thing.  She won't get it especially since she is so so so looks-focused.

Thank you for sharing. To be honest, I shared with her private aspects of my life and she did as well. However, I regret it very much as I don't really trust her, especially now that I am trying to do the slow fade. I blame myself for sharing personal things. My loneliness shouldn't have prompted me to do it. 

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16 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

Thank you for sharing. To be honest, I shared with her private aspects of my life and she did as well. However, I regret it very much as I don't really trust her, especially now that I am trying to do the slow fade. I blame myself for sharing personal things. My loneliness shouldn't have prompted me to do it. 

Please don't -I get it! It's done. And it's ok. I'm sorry you felt lonely and reacted that way. All the best to you.  

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I think its OK to move away from people whos values dont match yours. She seems like typical Insta- Thot, with gym, posting on Instagram and hooking up with hot (and probably wealthy men) no matter the relationship status. So, its not really that you are losing that much there. So, slow- fade. Dont say anything, just dont initiate anything and if she contacts you say that you are busy.

I had a group of people that I hanged out before. But all they did was hang out in the same group, play music and talk about music. One of them was even very confrontational when drunk to the point he could argue you over miniscule stuff for hours. All of that is fine once in a every blue moon and they are not bad people, but after it happens almost every week, it becomes tedious. So I just dont hang out with them anymore. And that is fine. You just outgrow some friends. Or you dont have the same goals. Unlike family, we choose our friends and who do we spend time. So dont spend it on somebody who you dont really enjoy it.

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You may have to have a "friendship breakup" talk with her, as she's not getting the slow fade.

She not only leads a lifestyle with which you are uncomfortable, she demeans you by putting down your past relationships.  Calling your former boyfriends ugly is not only mean, it's intended to hurt your feelings while elevating her self-worth.  See, I can get these handsome (albeit married) men, as I'm so hot/gym body/IG worthy, I don't need ugly guys like you've had.

She preyed on your need to have a friend with her insecurity, which is disguised as her being so wanted and hot.

Your only crime was that you tried to be her friend.

Well, my friend, that time has come to pass. 

She's not getting the slow fade because she has but one need:  for you to respond, listen, and be there as a sounding board for her, as she seeks out likes, DM's, and desire from others.

So it's time to have a breakup talk.  You can text this, but I'd rather not have this in writing, because she can then show it to others and use it to smear you.

The next time she texts, don't respond.  At all.  She will then call, as this sort needs the response, somehow.  Just tell her that in thinking of your lives, that this friendship no longer works for you, and that you wish her the very best.  Why???? But why????  I've only been a great friend to you!!  When you dated all those ugly guys, I was there for you!!  (ha ha).  Please keep this on repeat:  This will simply not work for me.  I wish you the best.  

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3 hours ago, Chaeryoung said:

 Well, I've been trying to do the slow fade. Two days in a row I taking longer in replying to her texts, but she instantly noticed it and asked what is the problem. I don't think it will work. 

It will work.  She will eventually give up if you stop engaging. She's just a "text buddy" who you don't interact with in real life, she's not part of your friend group.

If you're in a big hurry though just tell her you don't want to keep texting, then block her.

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My situation is a bit different as I was very close friends for years with someone who I found out was doing some pretty awful things.  I didn't really make much of it because I've done some things I deeply regret as well, so I didn't want to be the pot calling the kettle black.  But then I found out she did some things that were truly terrible, one of which was passing her middle child off as her husband's when the child was actually the result of an affair, for TWELVE years.  She shouted that information at her husband during an argument and then complained to me that her husband reacted poorly.  Well, yeah.  She then moved out of the family home and didn't see her kids for months, turns out it was because she'd been having an affair and was pregnant and she wanted to hide her pregnancy from her kids.  Yikes.  Also, I regret the things I did while she clearly doesn't.  She truly thinks she did nothing wrong.

So I just stopped spending time with her (it was easier because I'd moved away) and when she occasionally messages me I just give very generic, unpersonal responses. 

I moved back a couple of years ago but I am noncommittal when she suggests getting together.  It seems she lost all of her friends so maybe she's lonely, but I can't help that.

That's what I'd do.  Just respond very generically and if she wants to get together, be "busy".  If she calls you out, just say you're sorry but you just don't have much free time these days.

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I agree with the slow fade and drift apart method.

However, I'm more direct yet courteous, very polite and well mannered.  I'm gentle yet firm.  I don't like to confuse people by being evasive and mysterious.  I would text this:  "With all due respect, we're incompatible.  Please do not contact me anymore.  I wish you all the best and thank you for honoring my request.  Sincerely,  Your Name."   Tell the truth in a diplomatic way.  The other person gets the message and most likely will not bother you anymore.  You're done with them and it's finished. 

If the other person is relentless, since you've given them fair warning, delete and block permanently.

There are a few relatives and extended family members in my life.  While I mourn the loss of more innocent days, I cannot ignore the fact that people change and you have no control over that.  People change due to whom they marry or chose as a partner,  their harsh circumstances of all sorts, hardships, mental anguish, poor health, bad finances, household turmoil and the whole lot whatever their reasons.  They become very worldly and you don't know who they are anymore.  Gone are the carefree days when life and rapport was so much easier.  Values became warped and sick.  Many times life doesn't go your way and as hard as it is to do, you have to accept it and surround yourself with honorable people who know how to govern their characters, practice integrity, honor their personal life and treat you right.  I know it's disappointing whenever people fall short of your expectations.  Morals are important to me, too.  Whenever moral codes had been broken, it's game over.  Those are real deal breakers.  As sad as it is to do, it's best to break free and be with good people as opposed to "accepting" some people without judgment despite the unforgivable stunts they've pulled by testing you or others sorely.  They took a reckless gamble and LOST.  That's life.

 

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6 hours ago, Chaeryoung said:

...I've been trying to do the slow fade. Two days in a row I taking longer in replying to her texts, but she instantly noticed it and asked what is the problem. I don't think it will work. She even told me that she is the only one who initiates conversations and so on. 

Yeah, unfortunately in cases where trying to pull away only makes a clingy person chomp down harder, ya just need to state that you need a cool down. "I need some time to go quiet for a while."

No big explanations. If she complains, you can counter with, "I'm not feeling up to the challenge of keeping anyone happy with me right now. It's not an insult, it's just a need I have for some down time."

Don't defend, don't explain further, just repeat until she leaves you alone.

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1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

"With all due respect, we're incompatible.  Please do not contact me anymore.  I wish you all the best and thank you for honoring my request.  Sincerely,  Your Name."

If I did this I wouldn't hide behind a screen -I'd either say it in person or on the phone and if I felt I couldn't that's on me.  In my experience it's fine to fade -most people take the hint. I have.  And I didn't need to be lauded with "respect" or some vague "incompatible" leaving me guessing even worse than the slow fade.

Different if the issue was something I had done -then I'd want to know -or if the person is simply overwhelmed or too busy to prioritize our friendship then a call or text is fine as opposed to ghosting and leaving me thinking I did something wrong.  That's why I suggested "busy" because that says -it's me not you.  

Honestly not everyone is good at getting the hint but I'd say -if a person wants to interact via text etc then it's important to hone those skills.  I always err on the side of not prying/giving space especially via text/messages.  I did that last week when I happened to chat with a woman on one of my FB book groups who it turns out is the sister of a man I dated a few times many years ago.  She obviously was fine telling me he was her brother and obviously didn't want to discuss him (I simply mentioned I knew him from years ago).  She was happy to chat about her work as was I.  This is what I mean -it's important to be sensitive to boundaries and err on the side of giving space and distance if there is the suggestion of it.  Had I asked again about her brother that would have been really pushy.  So if the OP fades out she can ignore tone deaf pushy texts in response IMO.

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30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If I did this I wouldn't hide behind a screen -I'd either say it in person or on the phone and if I felt I couldn't that's on me.  In my experience it's fine to fade -most people take the hint. I have.  And I didn't need to be lauded with "respect" or some vague "incompatible" leaving me guessing even worse than the slow fade.

Different if the issue was something I had done -then I'd want to know -or if the person is simply overwhelmed or too busy to prioritize our friendship then a call or text is fine as opposed to ghosting and leaving me thinking I did something wrong.  That's why I suggested "busy" because that says -it's me not you.  

Honestly not everyone is good at getting the hint but I'd say -if a person wants to interact via text etc then it's important to hone those skills.  I always err on the side of not prying/giving space especially via text/messages.  I did that last week when I happened to chat with a woman on one of my FB book groups who it turns out is the sister of a man I dated a few times many years ago.  She obviously was fine telling me he was her brother and obviously didn't want to discuss him (I simply mentioned I knew him from years ago).  She was happy to chat about her work as was I.  This is what I mean -it's important to be sensitive to boundaries and err on the side of giving space and distance if there is the suggestion of it.  Had I asked again about her brother that would have been really pushy.  So if the OP fades out she can ignore tone deaf pushy texts in response IMO.

I've done it both ways.  With one person, I was direct and told her that I wish her all the best and it was time to go our separate ways.  This was a cousin 400 miles away.  No sense being evasive and mysterious with her.  I was to the point and it was over and done with.  It was a clean break.

It's unfortunate because my cousin and I were close ever since childhood.  She changed because she married a bad guy who to this day has given her a life of endless hell.  She's the sole breadwinner and they have two kids.  She's miserable.  Miserable people do not treat others with love and respect and often times commit unforgivable very desperate, very immoral offenses.

With my sister, since she called me a liar, I didn't even do a slow fade.  I simply ignored and did nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  No response, no reply, no comment.  During subsequent months, despite her arranging restaurant rendezvous, she made some lame excuse by being in non attendance when my in-laws, husband, sons, my mother and brother met.  She feared my husband's wrath.  We ignored each others birthdays thereafter.  (She didn't even thank me for the hand sewn gifts I made for her previous year's birthday.)  My in-laws and I declined her holiday party invitation recently.  Thank goodness my in-laws' have my back.  They are loyal to me.  We also declined future co-mingling gatherings of all sorts no matter what the occasion or non occasion it was.  We're all local.  The downside is collateral damage because cousins, second cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and previous co-mingling came to a screeching halt. 

I have the power and she knows it.  She is the one who was caught labeling me as a liar.  Silence is power.  No need for communication. 

This was the third offense.  First offense was calling me slanderous.  Second offense was calling me a loose cannon.  Third offense was calling me a liar.  Three strikes and you're out.  She took a reckless gamble and LOST.  Avoidance is great and a tremendous money saver.  I save my time as well.

Every single time I hear her complain about my drifting away, I'll always be prepared for this line:  "Why would you want a liar in your life?"  She won't be able to think of a retort.  

And, forget apologies because it won't happen in a million years.  It's nothing but the same old denial and gaslighting so I'm better off living a good life with people who love and care for me and know how to behave like decent human beings. 

The problem with spoiled people saying and writing whatever they want is there are no punishments.  This is why they repeat offenses.  I'm "teaching" my sister and cousin that there are consequences for bad behaviors.  I don't care what people do as long as I'm no longer involved in their lives. 

And, many times I'm so beyond disgustingly nauseated with said person or people that I don't want to have an in person conversation with them.  At this point, I'm done so I either ignore them completely or I'm direct.  Either way works for me depending on whom I'm dealing with.  It's individual. 

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Yes I agree it's individual.  I have one former close friend -we're still friendly -and for the last 5-7 years at least once a year she contacts me on facebook where she says she'd love to catch up by phone and she will call me -"this week".  Once in awhile she'll ask for my cell again. I give it.  I know she will never call.  Last time she did this was about a month ago.  I think it's flaky and rude but I don't mind once a year responding "cool look forward to hearing from you".  A few other times she'll contact me on a holiday or my bday with a nice message and we'll exchange a few messages. It's not worth it to call her out on it.

My cousin gave a relative of ours my cell phone number.  He has a mental illness and I knew he would misuse my number- meaning call at all hours, over text etc.  So I blocked him the first time he called (actually I thought it was a spam call till I found out). I told my niece never to give my contact info out again without asking me. I was comfortable blocking him and I then called his mother who I know to see if her son needed help (he did so I gave some helpful info to her to pass to him) and she understood why I blocked him.  I was able to help him in this way and not compromise my peace.  Boundaries I agree!

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Well to be honest, even if you had no specific reasons why you don't want to be friends with her, you still don't have to be friends. Sometimes we just don't click or don't have much in common with certain people. I don't think you have to feel bad if you don't want to be friends with someone, as long as you're not nasty to them or anything. 

I know what you mean about how sometimes the person doesn't let you do the slow fade. That happened to me as well where I was slow fading someone but they confronted me about it. I think if they directly ask you what's going on then I guess you probably have to tell the truth? But you can just say it politely. You could just say something along the lines of: "Sorry (name), I'm just not really feeling a big connection between us and don't think we have much in common. I wish you all the best but I'm just feeling like I'm drifting from you." Something along those lines.

I guess whether you want to do the slow fade or actually directly end the friendship would depend if you're likely to run into that person again. For example when I distanced myself from certain people, sometimes we had mutual friends. So I'd sometimes see them at mutual friends' events and I'd just act politely towards them.

In some cases it's awkward to actually say something to the person because you might have mutual friends, live in a small town, work in the same field, etc. I usually think it is better to slow fade the person just in case you run into them again.

I think if they asked you directly what's going on, you may have to tell the truth. I mean, if she asked you for example: "Don't you want to be friends anymore?" You probably can't really say: "No, I do, but I'm just busy". Because that would be a lie.

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Years ago I had a friend who used to use men in order to get her rent paid, get expensive gifts bought for her etc.  At first I thought she was just lucky with the guys she dated, but eventually I realised it was a deliberate ploy.  I also realised that whenever we met up, I was there as some kind of wingman, as if she got chatting with a guy then I'd spend the rest of the evening alone.

Her behaviour was very much against my personal morals, so I was direct about it.  I told her that what she was doing wasn't compatible with my values in life and that I no longer wanted to continue the friendship.  She couldn't care less, so clearly I was only a friend when I was useful.  I think that actions have consequences and doing the slow fade means she has no idea why you don't want to be friends with her.  If you are direct then she will understand your reason, even if she doesn't agree with it.

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One of my friends "broke up" with me because I'd found a boyfriend and was no longer as available to go out partying with her.  I had continued to call her to ask to get together but she never answered or returned my calls.  After three or four times I got the hint.  She never came out and said anything, because how can you justify saying "I'm mad you got a boyfriend"? We never regained our friendship. 

So yeah, it can be done that way.

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

One of my friends "broke up" with me because I'd found a boyfriend and was no longer as available to go out partying with her.  I had continued to call her to ask to get together but she never answered or returned my calls.  After three or four times I got the hint.  She never came out and said anything, because how can you justify saying "I'm mad you got a boyfriend"? We never regained our friendship. 

So yeah, it can be done that way.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^  This is what I did to my sister.  I wanted to avoid her for the long term after she called me a liar.  I never replied to her texts.  When she invited my in-laws and my immediate family (husband / sons) to her holiday party, we all declined.  Fortunately, my staunchest allies are very loyal to me and have my back.  Then for many months thereafter, there's sweet silence from all parties.  Next, she tried to arrange a restaurant rendezvous with my local in-laws, relatives and us to no avail.  It speaks volumes whenever there's repetitive declining and silence so quiet,  it's deafening.  She's getting the message.    Silence and going my own way in life is power in the relationship and I love it.  She made a reckless gamble and lost.  She handed me my power on a silver platter.  She's just too stupid to realize it. 😉 

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Exactly what do you owe this person?

She insults your taste in men, she is a cheater, vain, shallow and insecure and does not sound like a good friend in the least.

What is the worst thing that could happen if you just stopped responding? or respond with "can't talk right now, super busy"  You send that a few times and she will get the hint.

You are a good person that doesn't want to hurt her feelings even though she has no problem hurting yours with her comments.  Remember that the next time she texts you.

BTW how often to you actually spend time together in real life?

 Lost

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On 3/11/2023 at 7:38 AM, Chaeryoung said:

Thank you for sharing. To be honest, I shared with her private aspects of my life and she did as well. However, I regret it very much as I don't really trust her, especially now that I am trying to do the slow fade. I blame myself for sharing personal things. My loneliness shouldn't have prompted me to do it. 

Do you fear ditching her because she could harm one or more of your other relationships with information you've shared with her?

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2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Do you fear ditching her because she could harm one or more of your other relationships with information you've shared with her?

Yes, a bit. Although we do not have mutual friends, but we do have some mutual acquaintances. And my town is not really big. 😢

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