Double Standards

[Alex39]

For years I was tight on money. My one friend thrived with money. 

She would always want to do elaborate trips for summer or her birthday. I would be all excited with her, until I looked at my finances. Then I'd break it to her that I couldn't go. She was somewhat of a diva every time. Mad that I was ruining the plans, because without my extra income, they couldn't go. 

I always felt like dirt. 

 

Well now my friend owns a home, is married to an unemployed man, and works three jobs. 

I recently suggested a fun activity for my birthday. It was a bit pricey at $65. But you all got something significant to take home. 

She complained that it was so expensive, and that money is tight for her, because she and her husband are planning their wedding. 

I kind of felt slighted. I wasn't given any grace when I had money issues, but now she expects sympathy qjd understanding. 

On top of this, she is planning a very expensive bachelorette trip where we all has to hand over $142 upfront. And I'm assuming it'll be another $100 at least while we are there. I'm not made of money. I feel kind of annoyed that I'm expected to dish out money, but it's find when she's tight. 

I feel a huge double standard. 

[catfeeder]

Finances are cyclical throughout our lives. An overspending person one year might be tight the next, and same can be true for any of us at a given time. Our goals and expenses may change even if our income does not.

If my money was tight, I wouldn't excite a friend with elaborate plans only to trash them, because I'd be cognizant of where I stood monetarily prior to indulging in any of that.

I don't hold expectations of any given friend at any given time. I learn from them where they stand then either operate accordingly with them OR I'll pursue what I prefer with another friend. The flip side is also true. When I'm tight, I limit expectations by others of me--so an expensive invitation is something I'd either be willing to plan for and save, OR, I'd inform the host that I'm out for that, and far in advance.

The worst possible choice is to straddle both worlds--electing to participate yet resenting it.

I'd raise my own standard on committing to my own decisions. Once I've decided, I'll become a fan of that choice so that I can enjoy it rather than turning critical against others and making myself miserable in the process.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Then I'd break it to her that I couldn't go. She was somewhat of a diva every time. Mad that I was ruining the plans, because without my extra income, they couldn't go. 

Why did you continue this friendship?

I would have found different friends. These people are not friends in the true sense of the word. 

[Kwothe28]

You are surprised that selfish people that think all about themselves, are actually selfish? Are you also surprised water is wet?

[Batya33]

Yes this person is acting in a tacky and thoughtless way. Also what's significant to you to take home might not be to the person paying $65 up front (is it refundable if the person cannot attend?).  I remember those silly bridesmaid "gifts" once it became fashionable to have bridesmaids pay for their own dresses (yes way back typically the family paid or paid most of it).  I mean silly because no I didn't need some bauble or accessory etc.  

Also is it typical among your friends that the birthday person chooses the activity she wants, and the others pay their own way? If so and it's basically reciprocal and all are on board and your price point is in range -I mean sure seems reasonable to me.

Only attend events you feel comfortable attending including financially.  The wedding ceremony -yes - you should attend for a good friend even it costs $ like a rideshare service, missing work - but all the extra parties - totally your call.  That's not the wedding ceremony.  

 

[Coily]

All in all I think your friend is a jerk, but not to be vilified for being tight.

Unfortunately neither of you is sympathetic to the other’s finances and situation.

Also are the married or planning a marriage; trying to wrap my brain around that. lol 

[mylolita]

Hey Alex!

Your friend should have paid for you to go to her other events. I always think that. If you are wanting to book something high cost, don't ask it of anyone else, just pay for everyone then hand the invite. I never understood putting people in such an awkward spot.

If you really want her there, I would also suggest just footing her bill. 

I mean, she doesn't sound too great a friend, and you could think vengefully or think ha ha karma or something bitter like that but, it only hurts you in the long run. If you really still like her, think she is worth while, just tell her it's okay and sort her bill out without her knowing before she goes, or something like that. 

You never know what peoples financial situations are unless they tell you, which, here in the UK, is a massive taboo, to talk openly about salary or anything like that, even how much you paid for your house - anything. Some people have the money but just don't want to pay out for something for whatever reason. It's a strange time financially for a lot of people. 

This may be just me but, if I'm arranging or hosting anything, I just organise and pay for it all and invite the friends. Dinner parties, activities, that way no one is left out and you don't have to come to anyone and ask for money and give specific amounts. If I invite a friend out for drinks or coffee, I always buy the first round at least, at the very least. Same for dinner. I put a tab at the bar before the friend arrives and just pay for it when we leave, they don't know the amount, etc. Maybe that's just me?! 

If I can't afford to do something or pay for others to tag along with me, I don't invite them or create the event!

 

[mylolita]

The whole wedding fiasco is a headache, in my opinion. It becomes a side show, it really does. Again, I think the groom and bride should just foot the bill, and invite who they want to whatever event or do they have organised. It seems so rude to come to someone and say, you're invited to this event but I need £150 from you or, whatever the amount. Again, maybe this is just me?! Asking someone for money to attend something to do with yourself seems - rude? 

Maybe my etiquette is different here!

I think she should foot the bill - regards to weddings and the like, y'know, I don't think any bridesmaid should have to pay for their dress or shoes but again, that's just me. I don't think guests should have to pay for drinks either but again! Maybe that's just me! The whole hen do extravaganza in my opinion is... tacky!

If you want to go, you'll just have to make sure you hand her the money in advance and go because you really want too. I wouldn't go with resentment or bitter feelings, because that's unfair and phoney. You could be straight with her and say you think it's too expensive and you'll see her happily on her big day?

 

[Cherylyn]

There will always be a double standard no matter the gender because that's life.  Double standards can apply to more than money.   For example, I've had people including relatives lecture me regarding how to feel about situations or what to do if they were in my shoes yet whenever it's THEIR turn to be on the same receiving end of offenses of any sort, suddenly they changed their tune.  Their rules no longer apply to themselves.  Go figure.  Double standards abound indeed.   This world is full of hypocrites so grow accustomed to it as it is the norm.

As for whatever the occasion or price, you or others are free to either accept or decline.  The offer is made and if you nor anyone agrees to pay, then either participate or stay home.  Simply tell the truth especially if cost is the issue and if you're uncomfortable for revealing the reason due to price or your choice not to attend due to preference, then no need to explain anything.  Simply say, "No thank you.  Hope all of you have a nice time.  Stay safe."  There is a way to say 'no' while remaining gracious and well mannered.  It's not always what you say.  It's how you say it. 

If money is an issue, there are other ways to navigate and maintain friendships. 

 

 

[Alex39]

10 hours ago, Coily said:

All in all I think your friend is a jerk, but not to be vilified for being tight.

Unfortunately neither of you is sympathetic to the other’s finances and situation.

Also are the married or planning a marriage; trying to wrap my brain around that. lol 

My friend eloped with this guy in 2020 purposely so he could have her health benefits. She now wants a wedding years later, this year. I don't think it's right but the wedding is so far away that I cannot go anyway. 

[Jaunty]

All of this financial involvement and then you and your friend both being rude about it is really unusual.  

Why are you planning a birthday thing where your friends all have to pay $65?  I don't understand.  Either make a plan together with your friends who all agree that this would be fun and all are into it (my daughter just did that - a spa day that she and her friends all decided upon together)  or else throw yourself a party and host your friends.  

I have gone on trips with people where everybody pays their own way.  If someone didn't join, it didn't make any difference to the rest of us, aside from the fact that we'd be missing their company.  We each paid for our own airfare, split the cost of an Airbnb or got our own rooms.  It didn't make or break the trip if we had one less person.

NOBODY would be "mad" at that person for "ruining" anything, like your friend.  And no one would later be tallying up grievances and slights years later based upon that, like you are doing.

 

[boltnrun]

Do you have friends who you sincerely like, respect and enjoy spending time with, without any angst, conflict or drama?

[Alex39]

28 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you have friends who you sincerely like, respect and enjoy spending time with, without any angst, conflict or drama?

Yes, I have three really good friends. One I met at my last job. She's kind, reliable, and caring. She's 67 years old. Two good friends at mycurrenr job. One is 59 and another is 38. They are reliable, mature,caring, and considerate. I like all three of those people. They accept me, care about me, and we never have any drama. The two colleagues from my job currently made a plan and are taking me out tomorrow night for my birthday for dinner. I didn't have to beg them. They made the plan and then told me. I felt appreciated. 

[boltnrun]

10 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Yes, I have three really good friends. One I met at my last job. She's kind, reliable, and caring. She's 67 years old. Two good friends at mycurrenr job. One is 59 and another is 38. They are reliable, mature,caring, and considerate. I like all three of those people. They accept me, care about me, and we never have any drama. The two colleagues from my job currently made a plan and are taking me out tomorrow night for my birthday for dinner. I didn't have to beg them. They made the plan and then told me. I felt appreciated. 

So I would suggest focusing those kind of friends and leave behind the ones you don't really care for.

[Batya33]

Why are you the Wedding Police -why can't she have a party to celebrate her marriage when she chooses? Or renew her vows or something else? What's not "right" about it -certainly don't go -she doesn't' need a guest like you there with your judgments and critique -but seriously what's the deal? Would you like if someone judged you for asking your friends to pay their own way at your bday because they "get something" in return they may not give a hoot about? 

Please get a hold on yourself.  This is an ulcer-producing and bad karma path you're on.

Edited to add -I did not want a big wedding reception. My husband offered that we have one 6 months later when our son was born/an infant and I chose not to -he was fine with it.  Instead we planned a large-ish surprise 50th anniversary for my inlaws so we also got to see a lot of people and they were able to meet our son too! So this is not about me being "triggered" by your withering judgments.

[Alex39]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why are you the Wedding Police -why can't she have a party to celebrate her marriage when she chooses? Or renew her vows or something else? What's not "right" about it -certainly don't go -she doesn't' need a guest like you there with your judgments and critique -but seriously what's the deal? Would you like if someone judged you for asking your friends to pay their own way at your bday because they "get something" in return they may not give a hoot about? 

Please get a hold on yourself.  This is an ulcer-producing and bad karma path you're on.

Edited to add -I did not want a big wedding reception. My husband offered that we have one 6 months later when our son was born/an infant and I chose not to -he was fine with it.  Instead we planned a large-ish surprise 50th anniversary for my inlaws so we also got to see a lot of people and they were able to meet our son too! So this is not about me being "triggered" by your withering judgments.

My friend eloped in 2020. She has been married for years. But has been preaching for years how she doesn't want many people to know, because they never had a wedding. Now, years later, she wants a bachelorette party. She isn't a bachelorette. And she's having a bridal shower, where we shower her with gifts. And she's expecting us to travel across the world to her international wedding spending thousands on it and giving her a money gift.  In my culture, expecting these things after you have been married for years is seen as rude and inappropriate. But me and others openly told her that we cannot spend thousands attending the wedding. I didn't say yes I can go,  then flake. 

[boltnrun]

She can do whatever she wants. But you are not obligated to attend any of the events. 

[Alex39]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She can do whatever she wants. But you are not obligated to attend any of the events. 

I already said I'd attend and they booked stuff, buy I didn't pay yet. Is it bad to bail now? I was trying to do the right thing because I'm a bridesmaid. Her wedding is too far away though, so I'm not going. She knows this already. Other girls are also not attending. 

[boltnrun]

Be honest with her. Say you're sorry but you are no longer able to attend.

How are you a bridesmaid but not going to the wedding? 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

My friend eloped in 2020. She has been married for years. But has been preaching for years how she doesn't want many people to know, because they never had a wedding. Now, years later, she wants a bachelorette party. She isn't a bachelorette. And she's having a bridal shower, where we shower her with gifts. And she's expecting us to travel across the world to her international wedding spending thousands on it and giving her a money gift.  In my culture, expecting these things after you have been married for years is seen as rude and inappropriate. But me and others openly told her that we cannot spend thousands attending the wedding. I didn't say yes I can go,  then flake. 

With all respect I think you’re the main preacher here. 

[Seraphim]

It doesn’t matter what people do for their nuptials. Just don’t attend and stay in your lane . 

[Alex39]

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

It doesn’t matter what people do for their nuptials. Just don’t attend and stay in your lane . 

I don't care what she does for her wedding. But I'm mad that I am supposed to give a monetary gift, pay $150 for the bachelorette trip, and bridal shower gift. And my friend can't just say- no I can't come to your birthday. But instead flakes on me and won't answer. But lead me to believe it was all good and that she would join. So I put down money on that. Not expecting to be left high and dry. 

[Seraphim]

17 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I don't care what she does for her wedding. But I'm mad that I am supposed to give a monetary gift, pay $150 for the bachelorette trip, and bridal shower gift. And my friend can't just say- no I can't come to your birthday. But instead flakes on me and won't answer. But lead me to believe it was all good and that she would join. So I put down money on that. Not expecting to be left high and dry. 

So you don’t go, problem fixed. 

[Alex39]

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

So you don’t go, problem fixed. 

I committed to going. So now I feel guilty. They booked a house knowing I was paying for some of it. 

[Seraphim]

Don’t commit to things that make you resentful.