Concept of "too much too soon"

[TacticalLinguine]

Hi!

Hope you're well. Here's a general question, hope I am posting it in the right thread. 

There are many stories on these sites where people are left in the cold after a whirlwind of, well, borderline love bombing and general intensity at the beginning stages of dating. Many people will say "too much too soon" when said people wonder why they were dumped, but is that actually a thing? Say you managed to slow it down, would it work then? What exactly does this kind of intensity have to do with whether the person is right for you or not? 

Genuinely wondering! Sorry for any errors in my Engrish 🙂

[Batya33]

I'm not into vague "concepts" -it depends on individual situation but in general -not as a concept - I think it's much better to get to know someone over a period of time at a reasonable pace. It's not about whether the person is "right" as some abstract rightness- it's about compatibility.  Dr. Joy Browne had really great advice about this to her callers.  There are things you typically can't know about a person quickly that to me anyway are important, like:

How he acts under stress especially with you but also customer service people of all types and also complete strangers. 

What he's like after a great day at work, an awful day at work, when he has a bad cold, the flu or when you do.  How is he with his family, your family, your friends, his friends and over a period of  time.  How is he at traveling, planning a vacation, how does he act during holidays, your birthday, his birthday, around children (if that matters to the couple).  How is he with his money, savings style, implementing small and large goals?

There's no managing to slow it down -if the two people see long term potential they'll choose to feel the excitement and the infatuation and then make choices that may not be insta-relationship/insta-gratification but are more looking to the long term, the future.  There's little managing needed when both people are reasonably healthy and keep their head in the clouds but feet on the ground.  There's no managing when both people have fun fulfilling lives that are reasonably busy with friends, work, activities, maybe volunteer work. 

People like that don't drop everything for a stranger and spend 24/7 with a new person but rather choose to feel the excitement and act in a way so that they can get to know the person at a reasonable pace over time.  I remember meeting a man at a party in the 90s and gave him my number and we planned to meet the next week.  He called me a day or so later (pre cell phone) and said "hi honey how was your day?" and he wasn't joking.  Maybe a really lonely desperate person would have been so excited by this and I was nauseous.  

I had a friend who met a guy through an online site many years ago and the first 4 months was a whirlwind.  I made one comment to her once -they'd been apart for a few days because one was on a business trip (this was pre-smart phones) and they were constantly calling and checking in with each other -I commented how this seemed way over the top and she said well this is how it works for us.  He proposed.  She moved in a month or so later with him and his kids.  A few months after that it was all done.  To me that's an example of why it's a bad idea to go with the initial excitement by acting in this way.  Certainly there are people who get engaged and married right away and it works beautifully.  Often it's risky.  

Also people don't always tell themselves or others the truth.  I had a good friend -met a man through a personal ad.  By second date was sure he was the one. Three months later engaged, 5 months after that married, 4 kids within the next 9 years.  Divorced 20 years later.  She tells me now and has told me for years that she lied to herself about being in love with him - she was so desperate to be a married mom - that she was excited about being a married mom, not him -she lied to all of us.  She was beaming and excited etc.  She ignored red flags. Some "I just know" people do in fact know.  Others just know for the moment.  Others just know based on a fantasy/or lie to themselves.  

With my husband our second time around I really did just know early on.  Very early.  I won't spin my story that way.  Because I didn't act on the just know by marrying him right away or making a baby right away.  We took our time getting to know each other again, getting to a point where we felt comfortable having sex again, to a point where we were ready to try to conceive. 

We loved those intense feelings, they were real, they formed the basis for our life together but our goals were long term and so we took our time.  We acted on those feelings and also on our commitment which meant not rushing things.  We also were long distance on and off which forced us to do so but we would have anyway. 

We both had really intense careers, we had friends, family, I had volunteer work that was really important to me, and I was happy to be exclusive right away since we'd dated in the past but neither of us dumped our friends or stopped our activities just because we'd reconnected.  Had we rushed things I'm not sure if it would have worked out as well as it did.  

Also with my husband I do not remember having any talks about needing to speed up or slow down -we were and are very compatible and I don't remember feeling anything but at home and comfortable plus also excited in how we spoke, interacted, etc. I never wondered why he wasn't calling or whether we communicated enough -we fell into a really lovely routine that way early on. 

Yes my first business trip about a month after we got back together - it was out of the country -we spent hours at night on the phone lol such that his parents who knew this said the flight for him to go see me would have been less than the long distance phone bills back then LOL.  But that wasn't our typical thing!

Hope that answers your question!

[boltnrun]

If someone's talking marriage and children and moving in together and meeting each other's parents before they've even met in person...that is "too much too soon".  It's future faking, someone who's desperate and/or mentally unstable, or someone who falls out of "love" as quickly as they fall in.  And the people who fall for the "instant love" scenario are usually those who are "tired of being single", have dated a lot of "duds", have very little dating experience or have recently gotten out of a bad relationship and are eager to find a replacement.

My former boss had a habit of proposing marriage sometimes before he'd even been on a proper date with a woman.  He proposed marriage once to a woman who approached him after he'd participated in a sports event and performed oral on him!  Not surprisingly, he didn't actually end up marrying all of the women he proposed to and the two he did marry ended in divorce after only a couple of years.  And the divorces were messy.  And he did this from his 20s until he was in his mid 30s.  After his second rough divorce he seemed to have learned his lesson.  He hasn't married again since.

There's usually no ability to "slow someone down" because it crashes and burns long before they get a chance to.  They're also often afraid of "losing" the person so they don't speak up.  Or they desperately want to believe they've found their "soulmate", so they just go along with it.

[Jaunty]

If it's really "too much too soon" there will be no return from it.

When you know, you know.  I believe that can happen very fast.  But it's the behavior / actions that tip it over into "too much too soon."   Too much weight and expectations will be put on an association that has no foundation.  

Even if you know right off the bat that this is really "it," just keep steady forward motion,  do your "due diligence" in really getting to know the person, and let them know you.  

[greendots]

15 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

"too much too soon"

'Too much too soon' means that you're both walking at different speeds. Therefore, most likely, not compatible.

I know people in an LTR, that share every detail with their SO and are pleasantly connected as much as possible: doing most things together because that's how they roll. I also know some, that need their space and independence and value that quality in their SO as well.

Vibing means that you're on a similar wavelength most of the time, intensity-wise as well.

[Cherylyn]

It's very individual.  My husband and I had a brief courtship.  We dated exclusively, engaged the following year and married the following year while we were still in our early 20s.  We married within 2 years of meeting each other because we knew both us were "the one." 

If we had misgivings and doubts from the outset,  yes, we would've slowed it down but since character, health nor economics were non-issues, we were ready for a serious commitment.

I wouldn't generalize with a broad paintbrush.  Pay attention to each person with scrutiny in order to make the relationship work.  If there are red flags and alarms sounding off in your brain, either go slower or dissolve and exit the relationship so you won't waste everyone's time, resources and energy.

[Batya33]

I believe there are many who blindly follow "you know when you know" or "it just feels right" based on little to no relevant information and either based on fear of being alone, intense chemistry/infatuation - and they call it that to justify speed of light insta-relationship because they put their person on a pedestal, fall in love with an image- until it crashes.  

I do think there are certainly examples of people who just know but I don't think it's essential to "just know" right away - and I've seen where if one person is too fast/pushy/eager the other person doesn't have the space to get to know the person and so even a person right for them will be wrong because of too much too soon.