Is it my fault

[Katt2323]

I lost my ex a few weeks ago. I blame myself for losing him because I asked for some space. After I asked for space he got a lot colder and later broke up with me. I can’t stop blaming myself because if I hadn’t asked for space things would have been better. 

 

Later I talked to him (against my better judgment) and he told me he wasn’t over his ex. While I knew this was true and a valid reason to break up, I still feel that’s not the real reason we broke up. I feel like the real reason is because I pushed him away. I still can’t stop blaming myself for the toxic behaviors that pushed him away. 

[Jaunty]

Why did you feel you needed space?

What "toxic behaviors that pushed him away"?  Asking for space is not in itself a toxic behavior.  

Why don't you believe him about the ex?

[Katt2323]

To reply to Jaunty: I needed space because I thought he was giving me the cold sholder. But I feel like that was the wrong choice. People keep telling me asking for space was the wrong move and I really regret it. 
 

I do believe him about the ex but I feel like my toxic behaviors contributed to the break up as well. 

[Kwothe28]

I think its commendable that you are at least taking some accountability for it. It shows maturity on some level. Asking for space isnt really a good thing and a lot of people would just leave after that.

But, as he was already detached from a relationship and he said how he hasnt gotten over his ex, I think you have nothing to worry  about. You dont want somebody who is pinning over his ex and gives you a cold shoulder.

[Jaunty]

2 minutes ago, Katt2323 said:

To reply to Jaunty: I needed space because I thought he was giving me the cold sholder. But I feel like that was the wrong choice.

Yes, that may be correct.  If you have a good relationship and you think your partner is giving you the cold shoulder, that would be the time for some up front, honest communication - not "teaching him a lesson" by asking the other person for space.

That's game playing, which many people would describe as "toxic behavior."

   

2 minutes ago, Katt2323 said:

I do believe him about the ex but I feel like my toxic behaviors contributed to the break up as well. 

If you were bringing toxic behaviors into the relationship, the guy was probably wise to end it.   Being in a relationship like that is self destructive.

It seems like you're aware of how you contributed to the demise of this relationship.  Now that it's over, wouldn't this be a good time to get into some therapy to see if you can deal with whatever was provoking your "toxic behaviors" before bringing them to a new relationship?

[Katt2323]

It’s painful to realize my toxic behavior. I wish I had responded better 

[Jaunty]

1 minute ago, Katt2323 said:

It’s painful to realize my toxic behavior. I wish I had responded better 

It's useful to acknowledge what you contributed to the failure of a relationship, but there is no point in beating yourself up over it.  I would be willing to bet that the guy was not lying about the ex.   And thus, was not all in with your relationship.   He probably played his part in the demise as well. 

I know it hurts a lot when a relationship ends, especially when we still want it.

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Katt2323 said:

 he told me he wasn’t over his ex. While I knew this was true 

Sorry this happened. How long were you together?  Were there conflicts? His story about the ex seems accurate. Perhaps that's why you were having problems?

Don't blame yourself for his actions.

[Katt2323]

Responding to wiseman: 

We were together for one year and he was a really important part of my life. He is still really important to me so this is painful. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Katt2323 said:

I needed space because I thought he was giving me the cold sholder.

After learning that his cold shoulder was about him wanting his ex back, what do you believe that you could have done differently that would have changed that outcome?

[Katt2323]

16 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

After learning that his cold shoulder was about him wanting his ex back, what do you believe that you could have done differently that would have changed that outcome?

I dont know how to respond directly to posts. But responding to cat feeder, I don’t know what the cold shoulder was about.
 

It could have been because he wanted his ex back but he could have given me the cold shoulder because he told me was that I was avoiding him all week, the previous week(the week before we started fighting and things falling apart) This is total bull*** because I wasn’t avoiding I was just busy and stressed with stuff going on in my life. Sometimes I felt stressed and burnt out were I couldn’t give much energy but this wasn’t me avoiding him. I did my best to talk to him and be there so I don’t know why he thought I was avoiding him. 
 

He said I was avoiding him but I don’t know if this is what he truely believed or if he was starting a fight because he missed his ex. 

[catfeeder]

32 minutes ago, Katt2323 said:

...He said I was avoiding him but I don’t know if this is what he truely believed or if he was starting a fight because he missed his ex. 

Naaah, he's just putting it on you so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. And it worked. 

[Katt2323]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Naaah, he's just putting it on you so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. And it worked. 

Thank you for your input though I couldn’t tell if he was starting fights intentionally or actually upset 

Sounds like manipulation. Maybe it’s for the best then that we broke up….

[Batya33]

Just now, Katt2323 said:

Thank you for your input though I couldn’t tell if he was starting fights intentionally or actually upset 

Sounds like manipulation. Maybe it’s for the best then that we broke up….

At some point even if technically you could have approached it differently/better who cares? He has at least one foot out the door so what's the point of keeping things going? I'm really sorry you're upset.

[catfeeder]

15 minutes ago, Katt2323 said:

Sounds like manipulation. Maybe it’s for the best then that we broke up….

When someone tells you that they still want their ex, then yeah! It's better that you broke up.

You will thank yourself for not being hard on yourself about this. Grief is tough enough. Why compound it? 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Katt2323 said:

. Maybe it’s for the best then that we broke up….

Agree. You dodged a bullet. Taking some time for yourself is fine. Relax and in the long run, you'll see you can do better than someone like him 

[MissCanuck]

You are taking far too much of the blame here, OP. 

He was causing issues all by himself if he was being cold and also not over his ex. Asking for space or not isn’t what really led to the end of the relationship. He wanted out.

[smackie9]

You have to ask yourself...are you really a toxic type person normally? If not, you were just reacting to his poor treatment of you. You were only confused, and he was being noncommunicative. Stop blaming yourself, he's a problem. His just wanted to beat you to the punch to breakup first to save his ego. You are right, it's been manipulation from him. You don't need that crap. You are dodging a bullet. You are the winner out of this for sure.