Found out 20 yr old daughter onlyfan

[MoltenMagmaLava]

Found out my daughter had an only fans page last August.  She wouldn't take it down and I bribed her by giving her my car.  She said it was down but found out today it is up and really gross.  She is making lots of $ it seems.   She is going to a jr college and living with a friend.  She is accepted and plans on going to a 4yr college in the fall mostly on my dime.  She has my health insurance, my car insurance and my car.   I do not approve of this lifestyle.  In order to remove financial assistance I am going to have to tell my elderly parents to get them not to fund her.   This news really may do my dad in.  She literally is the best thing that ever happened to him.   What do I do.  And yes I have done counseling and everything I can think of.

[TheRawTruth]

Why would you have to tell your elderly parents ANYTHING? So they can judge her and be disappointed in her like YOU are? Why do that if you feel like the news could kill your father? All so you can stop supporting her financially? If she's making as much money as you SAY she is, she should be able to support HERSELF financially, shouldn't she?

Now, if you feel that strongly about it, and you're against it, just tell her "If you wanna keep the page up, that's fine. But you'll have to pay for your own college." If she protests or complains, say "What's the big deal? If your page is that successful, you shouldn't need my money anyway!" Wait for her response.

Btw, how do YOU know she has an OnlyFans? Were you creeping on OnlyFans yourself? If so, how can you judge her?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, MoltenMagmaLava said:

.  She is making lots of $ it seems.   She is going to a jr college and living with a friend.    She has my health insurance, my car insurance and my car.  

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately she's over 18 so she can work at whatever she does, even if you find it reprehensible.

All you can do is discontinue your financial support. There's no reason to involve your parents. There's also no guarantee that withdrawing your financial support will encourage her to discontinue.

[MoltenMagmaLava]

4 hours ago, TheRawTruth said:

Why would you have to tell your elderly parents ANYTHING? So they can judge her and be disappointed in her like YOU are? Why do that if you feel like the news could kill your father? All so you can stop supporting her financially? If she's making as much money as you SAY she is, she should be able to support HERSELF financially, shouldn't she?

Now, if you feel that strongly about it, and you're against it, just tell her "If you wanna keep the page up, that's fine. But you'll have to pay for your own college." If she protests or complains, say "What's the big deal? If your page is that successful, you shouldn't need my money anyway!" Wait for her response.

Btw, how do YOU know she has an OnlyFans? Were you creeping on OnlyFans yourself? If so, how can you judge her?

I got a call from my cousin way across the country who saw it.

 

[Kwothe28]

So let me get this straight:

You found out that your daughter is selling her body for money?

And your immediate thought was to give her a car?

Parent of the year ladies and gentleman. 

Your daughter is most likely like that because of you. If your immediate response to her selling her body is to bribe her, I can imagine what your parenting style must have been. So no wonder she lies and takes advantage of you. As you spoiled her to the core. Unfortunately now its maybe too late. You can talk to her but she is a legal adult and can do whatever she wants. Even removing financial assistance would not solve bad parenting issues. That caused her to be like that in a first place.

[Tinydance]

I understand this is a shock and it really sucks but the problem is you can't really do anything about it. I'm guessing where you live, at 20 your daughter is a legal adult. She would have had to provide her ID to do adult content on Only Fans. You don't have to support her financially so if you actually legally own your car and the car insurance, you can take the car back. The only thing I would recommend is if you're paying for her health insurance, maybe don't take her off because she might actually need to get medical help at some point. She's still your daughter and you probably wouldn't want her to get sick or die.

If you were going to pay for her college then you can just simply not pay for it. In all honesty if she's making good money on Only Fans then she should be able to afford college on her own. Also I hate to say it but she might actually not need your or your parents' financial help because people on OnlyFans can actually make a lot of money. I'm assuming that's why she's continuing to do it even though you disapprove.

I'm not actually saying that you need to feel comfortable or approve of sex work. But unfortunately what you might need to do if your daughter doesn't stop is to accept it *only* for the sake of still having a relationship with your daughter. I mean if you cut her off how long would you not see her or talk to her? It could end up being years.

[Seraphim]

Just don’t pay for her college and car insurance and car. No need to involve other people. 

[Coily]

Where is her father in all of this? What's his opinion on dealing with her life?

Just cut her off, Especially health insurance, simple as. If all the money she's making from OF isn't paying for her basic expenses and university, it's not that good. Also can't wait until the quality of men interested in her irl drops. Life has hard lessons, she may need this one now.

[HeartGoesOn]

She's an adult who has chosen to make her own decisions, therefore she needs to own any consequences that goes with those same choices.

She'll either sink or swim, but she needs to experience this on her own. Give her the gift of growing up.

[catfeeder]

I'd tell her that I love her and my door remains open to her. But, I'd take back the car, stop paying her bills or tuition, and if she wants to try her luck with your parents, let HER explain to them why you've stopped funding her.

For me this wouldn't be about policing her morality, OR harming our relationship. It would be about letting her learn consequences in her own way.

[electricorchid]

This is incredibly controversial, and may not be the same opinion of other people on this platform but I would try to sit down and have a conversation as to WHAT are her personal reasons for doing this? and WHY is she doing this? 

1. I would have offered counseling/therapy so the two of you can work this out. Because a lot of children do this as a way to -get in touch with their sexuality -gives them adrenaline -they thrive off of the attention of the people following them on their OF page etc. -financial reasons 
As her parent try to go from the approach of understanding psychological why your daughter is doing this, and then instead of showing her judgement tell her about all the dangerous things she could run into her life by doing this. 

2. Take away the car, bribing her is not going to work. Because if you do it once, shell make you do it again. & if she's really going to rebel, kick her out and cut her off, tell her you love her but that you're doing this for her own good bc unfortunately it sounds like she needs to see what her life will become withought you and clearly, withought her morals. 

3. I completely disagree with the first comment above, I don't think you'd be telling your grandparents in order to judge her by any means, but yet, I DO feel you should tell them to support you in momentarily cutting her off because it's about them supporting you and it would just be a strategy to get them to help you discipline your daughter and really show your daughter that life is rough with no help, and really going this route that she's wanting to take. 

Those are just my thoughts. But I pray your daughter comes to her senses, and I'll pray that you two come to better terms. ❤️ 

[catfeeder]

15 minutes ago, electricorchid said:

... As her parent try to go from the approach of understanding psychological why your daughter is doing this, and then instead of showing her judgement tell her about all the dangerous things she could run into her life by doing this. 

I think that this is really smart. My goal would not be to alienate daughter, but rather to understand her better and to learn whether she's acting out for a desire for love and attention, or whether she enjoys what she's doing--or any combo of the above plus anything else I couldn't have fathomed. My goal would be to get closer to daughter, not to pile on the kind of disrespect she is likely to face because of this choice.

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... Take away the car, bribing her is not going to work. Because if you do it once, shell make you do it again. & if she's really going to rebel, kick her out and cut her off, tell her you love her but that you're doing this for her own good bc unfortunately it sounds like she needs to see what her life will become withought you and clearly, withought her morals. 

I agree with cutting off the car and financial support, but not before learning what I can salvage from our relationship. If that goes badly, she's not going to respond to MORE financial support, and if it goes well, then I've laid the groundwork for her to know that I consider my love for her and my relationship with her separate from financing her. She can either respond to that well, or not, but it's my Hail Mary at hoping she'll understand someday.

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... I DO feel you should tell [her grandparents] to support you in momentarily cutting her off because it's about them supporting you and it would just be a strategy to get them to help you discipline your daughter and really show your daughter that life is rough with no help, and really going this route that she's wanting to take. 

I think this is a smart way to go about gaining your parents' support without a need to spell out the details. I'd even suggest to them that if they don't trust my word that financial assistance is best curtailed at this time, they may want to learn from daughter herself as to why I've withdrawn my financial support. Meanwhile, they can contribute to a future fund for daughter's wedding or another milestone without compromising the current lessons daughter needs to learn.

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, MoltenMagmaLava said:

.  She is making lots of $ it seems.   She is going to a jr college and living with a friend.  

Have there been issues before this? Was there ever evidence of drugs or anything else? Why exactly does she want this extra money?

Keep this between you and her. Rallying family against her will alienate her further. While she's an adult, yes but she's making some mistakes that could use compassionate guidance. 

Try not to burn bridges by turning her grandparents (or anyone else) against her. Try to strengthen your bond, but not through bribery.

Where is her father? Was there ever a habit of competing with him to buy her affection?

Keep in mind the more alienated she is, the further she may go down this dark road.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/4/2023 at 11:43 PM, MoltenMagmaLava said:

 plans on going to a 4yr college in the fall mostly on my dime.  She has my health insurance, my car insurance and my car.  

Do not cancel her healthcare insurance. That's a bit draconian. But you don't have to pay for the car or  other luxuries. 

Rather, help her find ways through student loans, scholarships and other resources to finance her education. Is the father helping her finance her education?

[mylolita]

Hi Molten!

I thought you might appreciate the other side here!

I'm 33 now, married with my husband for 15 years with 3 kids - but between the ages of 18 and 21 I was a stripper/lap dancer/pole dancer.

I kept it a secret from my parents who brought me up right and strict, actually. No crazy childhood, middle class, didn't get anything given to me on a platter and had my real father and mother there, married, and a sister. Went to a very good school, got great results, just didn't end up going to university. I moved out at 18, met my then husband and I'd aways wanted to do it. Don't even ask me why. I think it was a part of me growing up and becoming a woman. I kind of went full throttle into my own sexuality, from sharing a room with my sister all my life to dancing half naked on a pole Wednesday through to Saturday.

The money was great, but I actually didn't do it for the money, believe it or not. Because although it was good, it wasn't UNBELIEVABLE! 

The difference with me is, there is no video or picture evidence of what I did, unlike OnlyFans. 

I can completely understand your shock and hurt. My parents were the same when they found out what I was doing. Compete disbelief. They also emotionally blackmailed me and told me they would let my Grandparents know what I was doing. They did absolutely everything they could to make me stop.

It was legal, I wasn't harming anyone - apart from, my parents, emotionally. And their worry for me. I was never involved in drugs or anything illegal. No prostitution. I was just that kinda girl, that's the only way I can say it. I had an inclination for that kinda work and I was good at it and I enjoyed it and it didn't damage me, I came out unscathed unlike quite a few girls who go down those lines.

She is an adult. As hurtful and hard as this is for you, she can do whatever she wants to do. This is the hard fact we have to swallow whenever we think of our children growing up, myself included, with two daughters. 

Some people have a wild streak, and it's often a shock. Sexuality is normally a private, hidden thing, but when you take on work within those types of fields, it becomes public, and what is usually reserved for closed doors is more on display. That's the uncomfortable part, I think. It's hard to think of our daughters as women and in this way. 

I can only mirror what others have said - talk to her, try not lose your relationship over this. Maintaining that relationship will be the hard but essential thing. I can say for about 5 years it was so cold and horrible between me and my parents, and I hardly saw them. You have to think, do you want this to come in-between what you already have?

You can try to persuade her not to do this - but again, she is a full consenting adult. It won't all be about the money, although most of it probably will. Most likely she finds it easy, very easy, easier than any other job she can maybe think of doing at the moment. The ease of it is part of the pull. Also, yes, the attention. And it does have a sexual element as well. She might actually enjoy it, you have to realise not everyone working in the adult industry is oppressed and doing it against their will. 

This is either something you have to come to terms with or not accept - but just remember what kind of relationship you want with her, and if you want one at all - you might not be able to have a say in her life like this anymore.

I wish you luck,

I understand how hard it can be, but she's a fully grown woman who yes, has to live her life, make her own choices and deal with the good and the bad.

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