Why is my ex behaving this way?

[Beebee1234]

I split with my ex nearly 3 weeks ago. We‘ve been civil for the most part in fact even just short of a week ago I was really enjoying his company being friendly whilst working on myself and what makes me happy. We are 29yrs old and have 2 children and a mortgage so it isn’t as simple as just walking away. I honestly feel like the person I once knew has gone and I now live with an imposter. 
 

He just wants to be out with his friends partying and in his words “I want to relive my youth because I didn’t get to in my early twenties.” This is because we decided to be parents and you loose that selfishness when take on a greater responsibility like that. 

I don’t believe for one moment he is happy. I’m all for letting my hair down and having a good time but when it becomes almost a daily occurrence drinking, smoking, partying in between working and being a parent for me it’s blocking out and running away from your problems but I suppose that’s just my opinion. 
 

I’m concentrating on myself and finding out what brings me joy outside of being a mother. I’ve bought a book to start reading, connected with old friends I’d been neglecting, meditating, exercising, eating less etc. I’m in such a positive mindset and I’ve never felt more confident. 
 

I know I’m worth more than being with someone who doesn’t come close to matching my own maturity but it’s hard to let go. I worry that he’ll press self-destruct for a short period and then the penny will drop and he’ll think what the hell am I doing but by then I hope I’m strong enough to tell him it’s too late.

[Jaunty]

Well, he's your ex and how he chooses to spend his recreational time is none of your business really.   Having kids will stand in his way of "celebrating" his new single status to some extent, but it's not an uncommon response to a breakup to want to party.

I'm not sure how you're navigating being split up if you're still living together though.  

[MissCanuck]

He’s being honest about why he is behaving this way. He became a parent young and feels he missed out on having fun. Is a mature response? No. But it’s his opinion and he’s been clear with you about why he’s doing this. 

As long as he’s still showing up as a dad when he needs to, there’s not much you can do but realize this isn’t a match anymore and work on your own healing. He may or may not have an about-face so it’s best not to hold your breath for that. It sounds like the relationship has run its course for him. 

[Beebee1234]

I appreciate your comments. I could write pages and pages giving more context on our situation. My concern is about his mentality. I’m trying to understand his behaviour as last week he was trying to bed me again and this week he hates me… I’m sure it’s all part of the break up recovery process. When we split previously he came begging for another chance perhaps I’m anticipating the same again…

[MissCanuck]

So this isn’t the most stable relationship. 

It sounds like you two are better off apart. Two break-ups mean you don’t work as a couple. Trying to understand why he’s behaving like this ultimately won’t help you move foreward. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Beebee1234 said:

. We are 29yrs old and have 2 children and a mortgage so it isn’t as simple as just walking away.

He just wants to be out with his friends partying and in his words “I want to relive my youth because I didn’t get to in my early twenties.” 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been together? Do you still live together? How old are the children?

When did his party behavior begin? Do you both work?  Who takes care of household things and the children? 

If he wants to "break-up', but live together, focus on taking care of only yourself and your children. 

Discontinue sleeping together, only shop cook, clean,etc. and look after yourself and your children.

Are both your names on the deed of the house? Can he move out?

 

[Beebee1234]

I think it’s just human nature to want to understand why but yes it won’t help moving forwards. 
 

11yrs, yes we live together they’re 3 and 7. 
 

Thank you Wiseman2 I needed to hear this. I haven’t slept with me I turned down his advances to which he said it really messed with his head but I value myself way more than to do that with someone who doesn’t love me or doesn’t want to be with me. 
 

We work. He is full time I work part time I’d get support financially from the government with being the primary carer for the children but I’ve never claimed benefits in my life so I’m trying to seek advice on where I start. I have a good family they’ll support me if I’m struggling. 
 

I arrange everything and I mean I’ve thought for him for the last decade hence why I feel he is dragging his heels as he has no idea how to pay bills! 
 

I’m a proactive planner and he lives for today so yeah it probably would have never of worked forever. 

[Kwothe28]

I will defend him a bit. People have a different way of processing stuff. While you as a woman are maybe inclined to a more "grounded opion" in break up and choose to do it within yourself, he as a man, chooses to do it by going out with friends and partying. Its just a different ways of getting over somebody.

Also, I am sorry, but still living with your ex is a horrible way of breaking up.You will have to split properly. Including splitting time with kids.

[Beebee1234]

I get that just my interpretation is that he is not dealing with the problem at hand when he is blocking it out and forgetting about real life for the night but hey it’s not my place to judge that’s his choice I’m just putting forward my opinion. It’s not a sustainable life but I do hope he finds what he is looking for as right now he admitted he hasn’t a clue what he wants and I can’t hold on and wait around to see what that looks like my priority is me and our children. 
 

I can’t kick him out of his own home he needs to want to go off his own accord but he spends the extra money he could be saving if he was serious about moving out. 

[Batya33]

You are judging him as "selfish" and that people who choose to attend parties when they are single are "selfish" - that's not selfish -it's a choice of how to spend free time. I am a parent and know plenty of parents who act in selfish ways and feel entitled to parents and in-laws providing free childcare so they can keep their weekly mani-pedi or hair blow out or going to a sports bar and whine when the grandparents can't make it or don't do things the way they want it to be done etc. Parents who send their kids to camp when the child simply despises it so they can go on a kid-free vacation, etc etc. 

Try to shed the Selfless Mother Mantle and know that parenting is a hugely hard job (n my experience too!!) and so are other hugely hard jobs including certain manual labor jobs, professions, caring for elderly parents and on and on. What's also hard is your ex now regrets his choice of taking on parenting two kids very young. I agree -too bad for him -but since he is your ex no, don't judge, none of your business and focus on co-parenting not playing games of "does he still want me???"

  He is entitled to do what he wishes with his free time unless he is not co-parenting properly -and yes he has to show up not hungover, etc.  Of course!  I'd say get rid of all the judgey and irrelevant noise in your head and focus on the basics -the best interests of the children.  No need to analyze, understand or deal with his behavior unless it affects the custody arrangement.  Good luck and you are a great parent!

Yes have him move out and offer to help him find a place.  You don't really care about him finding himself - you benefit from having him there but it's also the downsides as you see.  Be honest with yourself.  It's not good for the kids to have this confusing arrangement of their dad living there but being your ex. Kids know, kids sense.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Beebee1234 said:

. It’s not a sustainable life .my priority is me and our children. 
I can’t kick him out of his own home he needs to want to go off his own accord 

You're still living together, he's just checked out of the responsibility and the relationship.  Yes the children need to come first. Not finding himself or partying.  Please take advantage of all the friends family and other resources.

Do you own or co-own the house. This is a crucial point. From there you can decide how to sever the relationship and not be the only adult in the house.

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, Beebee1234 said:

I think it’s just human nature to want to understand why but yes it won’t help moving forwards. 

If it's preventing you from moving forward, it's no longer a healthy level of curiosity. 

[Andrina]

To begin with, make a rule that since you are no longer a couple, the only subject you two will speak of is about co-parenting. So there is no more flirting, hugging, talking about how you miss each other, and anything like that. Tell him you don't want to know what he's doing in his leisure time.

And even as it's pre-divorce, you should hash out a schedule whereas in after work hours or days off, the evenings and weekends he's responsible for being with the children, so that you can have alone time or time with friends, family, hobbies, going to the gym, etc. Of course there can be flexibility, but don't get into a pattern where he gets all the fun with zero responsibility.

I'd get legal advice ASAP to get custody and financial arrangements set up. Especially as you're afraid he'll blow all his money foolishly. Make sure he's taken off any of your credit cards as a user, and if he has access to your bank account, remove him. He's an adult and will figure out how to pay bills when he's forced to. Take care.

[Beebee1234]

It’s difficult to get a point across when typing it’s perceived differently to each individual. His behaviour is out of character from the person I knew. It’s just expected that I’ll be here whilst he goes off to enjoy himself. The children have never been away from myself for a night as we don’t have grandparents to rely on. He loves the children and as we’re still living together he pays 65% of the household bills as he earns a hell of a lot more than I do. He expects his shopping done and his clothes washing. He also will physically try and have contact with me and keen to still do our usual Friday night dinner date. If I wasn’t so certain it was over he would be messing with my mind sending mixed signals like that. He has never had to stand on his own two feet as we’ve been together since we were seventeen. I’ve done way too much for him… I realise that now but it was convenient at the time as he wasn’t interested in learning. 

[MissCanuck]

Who broke with whom here, and why?

[smackie9]

You are the primary caregiver of the children, he's left the relationship, YOU can kick him out of his own house. Get a lawyer to settle assets, child support, possible alimony. You are common law, most are treated as married.

[Beebee1234]

He broke up with me as he said he didn’t love me. It didn’t hurt as I felt like I’d been on my own in this relationship for the longest time. 

[Jaunty]

7 hours ago, Beebee1234 said:

I can’t kick him out of his own home he needs to want to go off his own accord but he spends the extra money he could be saving if he was serious about moving out. 

You need to make a plan on how to live apart and put that into action immediately.  I'm not sure how you feel that you've broken up, as you still live together, he want to sleep with you and you feel entitled to know what's going on in his mind.   

Somebody needs to move out.

[Coily]

Let’s start off with is the home co-owned or just in his name? Because legally if it is his, he could have you evicted or arrested for trespassing; if you press him hard to move. Sorry, but if you want a clean break, you will have to move. It doesn’t matter how much he makes or any of that, until court intervention.

I would also highly recommend making amicable co-parenting arraignments before moving out, otherwise he will drag you through court. Relationship is dead, but his kids have a right to a father.
 

As to why? He’s mourning the relationship, people act out of character when they mourn. Seeing you every day just adds to him wanting to get out and forget.

[Batya33]

If you won the lottery tomorrow -huge jackpot -would you stay or go -if go that's your answer.  Gov't assistance is better for your health, your kids' health, etc than this.

[Beebee1234]

The home is both of ours I actually paid the deposit as I had inheritance money then his wages have enabled us to afford to live comfortably owning our own home. Batya33 I asked myself the same question earlier if you’d of asked me yesterday my answer would of been different but today I’d firmly stay where I am and send him off with a chunk so he’d leave. 
 

Thank you for your replies I’m going to leave the chat here as I’ve gotten what I needed from my question. 

[SooSad33]

10 hours ago, Beebee1234 said:

I can’t kick him out of his own home he needs to want to go off his own accord but he spends the extra money he could be saving if he was serious about moving out. 

Well, how long do YOU plan on keeping it this way?

Are you two truly done?  Then, maybe throw in the idea of you two making a 'settlement plan'. Either you 2 sell the place, or if he doesn't move out, you do it.

Many couples have split up, doesn't mean they remain together in the same home.

Can he go live elsewhere, family/ friend?  Because if he is the one struggling, I'm sure he can't keep up with the bills,?

IF this is done, maybe YOU are the one who needs to act now.

Don't make yourself live such a miserable life 😕 .

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Andrina said:

I'd get legal advice ASAP to get custody and financial arrangements set up. Especially as you're afraid he'll blow all his money foolishly

This ^^^. The emotional stuff can come later--go practical right now. Seek advice from an attorney in your location to learn whether a legal separation may protect you from any further debt this man incurs.

My heart goes out to you, and I don't mean to sound heartless, but if you don't learn all your options and the best steps to take for each option, then you are making decisions based on emotions alone--and that does not protect you or your children.

Get real information. Then you can make wise choices from there.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[jacongeller]

I'm sorry that you're going through this difficult time. It's hard to say why your ex is behaving this way without knowing more about the situation. It might be helpful to talk to someone who can provide an objective opinion, such as a counselor or therapist. They can help you understand why your ex is behaving this way and how to best handle the situation.