relationship w/ soulmate in trouble

[Rex Tripod]

Please help!  Me?  M-57 her F-56.  We met 10 years ago and fell in love fast after both being in 20 year marriages.  She has 5 kids & I have 2.  We fast became lovers and best friends and even got engaged 5 years later.  We have had an amazing life traveling, taking dance lessons, cooking together, just having the best time being in the same room as each other!  DEEPLY in love!!!  Now, things are falling apart!  We currently live together in her marital home and rarely have privacy!  We started a business together and have built a solid reputation in our area as the "IT" couple!  The dark secret is I have not been my best self for the past few years.  I've had addictions to alcohol and gambling and even started smoking cigarettes to deal with my "stress" which she is very much against!  To make matters worse, I've been a train wreck financially.  I've lied to her about my addictive behavior so all trust is lost!  We both earn a good wage!  She manages her money really well but cannot and somehow I have a mountain of debt and cannot seem to save and have basically become dead broke & have missed 5 rent payments and my credit scores dropped 200 points in 2 years.  She has told me it's over and she feels disrespected, lost her trust in me and that there is no "retirement" with me.  Yes!  THis is horrible but I've got issues to deal with and feel we still have a relationship that is worth fighting for but she does not!  She wants to separate and not reinvest in an untrusting relationship that she does not feel secure in financially.  We still love each other and best of friends!  Very respectful, no abuse, no infidelity but my own selfish addictive mind.  All our friend & family don't know this and think we are the dream couple and so lucky to have found each other!  She has insulted me deeply over the past 6 months calling me white trash, loser, sleazy salesman, and that she is growing and I am not.  We are on different vibrational wave lenghts.  Mine is negative and she is a bright light of energy when she walks into a room!  I USED to be this way when we met!  What went wrong?  I can't even find the mental clarity to answer that question cause I'm consumed with guild, shame, depression etc..  Our sex life was simply amazing!  We used to connect 2 to 3 times per week.  Now?  we still have some intimate times 2 times per month but she has not initiated for over 2 years has admitted she does not find me sexually attractive anymore!  OUCH!!  I know I must change in a major way but she is vague about this and let's me "figure it out".  What should I do to change myself for the better!  I'm dead broke and can't even afford to move out.  I could live with a relative or honestly, it's the first time in my life I've even thought about ending my own life!  It's that depressing knowing that I've allow my addictions to make her feel like she was not a priority and want to kick me to the curb. I sound like a real D-bag but honestly I am not and just have some big issues I need to deal with and I have already started but change can't come soon enough and it will take a while to rebuild myself financially.  If the tables were turned I would love and support her cause I love her so much but unfortunately, I feel she may be throwing in the towel!  What should I do!  I dont' want to lose my "soul mate" without a effort to recover.  Please help..... I welcome serious advice!! 😞

[SooSad33]

36 minutes ago, Rex Tripod said:

The dark secret is I have not been my best self for the past few years.  I've had addictions to alcohol and gambling and even started smoking cigarettes to deal with my "stress" which she is very much against!  To make matters worse, I've been a train wreck financially.  I've lied to her about my addictive behavior so all trust is lost! 

What is best now, even just for yourself is to find ways to help you along in this challenge.  Find support groups in fighting these demons. Because such issue's with alcohol & gambling can be really tough and yes, a turn off!

So yeah, ... now what.

 

37 minutes ago, Rex Tripod said:

She has told me it's over and she feels disrespected, lost her trust in me and that there is no "retirement" with me.  Yes!  THis is horrible but I've got issues to deal with and feel we still have a relationship that is worth fighting for but she does not!  She wants to separate and not reinvest in an untrusting relationship that she does not feel secure in financially.  We still love each other and best of friends!  Very respectful, no abuse, no infidelity but my own selfish addictive mind.

I think what YOU need to try & do now, is try to 'prove it'.  Prove you are able to work on recovering from your 'addictions'.  Are you?

Are you two able to sit down & have a heart to heart talk about this whole thing?  Have you two discussed the idea of you attending AA meetings etc?  In order to get yourself 'back on track'.. And I am sure you've told her you'd do anything to try & keep you's together?

 

Sadly, this maybe it 😕 .  She may have realized at this time, she does not like your habbits or all you've done here.  From hidden addictions to over the line money spent. ( and you admit it was a secret from her), then yeah, I guess she's been really put off re: trust.

 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Rex Tripod said:

She wants to separate and not reinvest in an untrusting relationship that she does not feel secure in financially.

I wouldn't want to reinvest in an untrusting relationship that I did not feel secure in financially, either. Should anyone?

[boltnrun]

Are you still drinking, smoking and gambling? Have you contacted an addiction specialist, Gamblers and Alcoholics Anonymous and a debt counseling service? Have you deleted and/or eliminated any and all means of gambling? What exactly are you doing to get your life back on track?

Honestly, an active addict is the last person I would want to be in a relationship with. If she combines finances with you how would she know you're not going to gamble her hard earned money away or spend it all on booze and cigarettes?

Please, for your own health, deal with your addictions. Get yourself mentally, emotionally and financially stable and maybe then you can discuss a future with her or with someone else. But it's vital you take care of your issues first. 

[MissCanuck]

This relationship is not going to come back together. It’s very clear that ship has sailed for her and she wants and needs to move on. She isn’t “throwing in the towel,” so to speak. She sounds utterly exhausted by it all, and has good reason to extricate herself from it.

Having said that, you need to get your life and addictions sorted out for you. Yes, move into a relative’s home if that’s an option. Start there and work on the deeper issues. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Rex Tripod said:

 She has told me it's over and she feels disrespected, lost her trust in me and that there is no "retirement" with me.  I've allow my addictions to make her feel like she was not a priority and want to kick me to the curb. 😞

Sorry this is happening. Is she evicting you? Unfortunately you'll need help with the addictions and finances.

She cannot jeopardize her and her children's well-being and future by supporting your addictions. She has a house and 5 children she needs to take care of.

How old are your children? Do they live with the mother?

Go to social services and get assistance with housing, food, mental and physical health insurance.   You can also get help with detox/rehab and other recovery programs. Look into resources to put your life back together.

See if you can see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.

See if you can start collecting disability and or social security.  Research ways to get money that isn't subject to debt collection.

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, Rex Tripod said:

she is a bright light of energy when she walks into a room! 

Yes, such a bright light of energy

7 hours ago, Rex Tripod said:

She has insulted me deeply over the past 6 months calling me white trash, loser, sleazy salesman, and that she is growing and I am not. 

She, as many women, seeks stability. You cant offer her that. Your alcohol and ciggaretes would maybe be a passing thing. But gambling and not being financially stable, as well as hiding that from her? I have a feeling that she signed up for a ride because of that. And you took that away so there is no reason for her to be there anymore. So she can insult you and abuse you now when her "ideal relationship" showed up to be not so ideal.

Split up. There is no reason for you to be there with or without problems. And deal with your issues. Get a therapist. Go to addicts counseling. Try to get your financials under control. For you, not for somebody who will insult you because you broke her snowman.

[Batya33]

She's no longer your soulmate.  A person with issues like yours and secrets like yours is not capable of being anyone's soulmate.  Separate and become your own soulmate by doing the hard work.  I agree with the others about getting help ASAP.