I suddenly find myself wanting to date two girls but ai have to make a choice. I am also confused about love and commitment.

[confusedyoungguy]

Firstly, I am fully aware I made mistakes. And whoever I will end things with, I owe her an apology. That being said: here’s the deal.

I have been seeing this girl K (20F) for a year now. We started off as FWB and in it sort of turned into a relationship. 
She developed feelings for me and I was on the fence. I gave her mixed signals which I shouldn’t have done.

In september I went on exchange for 6 months. I took some distance from K and didn’t communicate clearly with her; I thought I was gonna end things when I came back and did not want to lead her on.

In the meantime, I used dating apps to find casual flings and short term hook ups, which I did. However, the first week on my exchange (in a different country) the algorithm matched me with a girl (I’ll call her L, 19F) from my hometown which I just left. Before I knew it I was texting everyday. I enjoyed it. Though deep inside it was also new to me. My previous “relationships” all started casually and this one did not. In hindsight this was not responsible to do because I officialy did not end things with K. Though I thought I was done and I didn’t think of it as a big deal because we were not exclusive.

After 6 months I came back. I started seeing L and we cuddled a lot, watching stuff. I enjoyed it. I even let her borrow my hoodie. However, we had not kissed yet even though I did feel the urge.

I then met with K.  She told me that she was not doing too well, and that I was a big part of it. She wanted to know if I wanted to continue with her. I thought I didn’t but for some stupid reason after not seeing her for such a long time I was not sure anymore, and told her I needed to think about it. It really felt so good seeing her again and it confused me. Suddenly the thought o dating seemed appealing.

This happened last week and I feel stressed and guilty for not being honest and open about it. I thought I had it figured out but I did not.

The last time I saw L, when I hugged her goodbye, she told me she wanted me to kiss her the next time I was gonna say goodbye.

Both of these things put me in a spiral of thought, doubt and guilt. I know I have to stop it with one of them. 

A big realisation is that I probably have a fear of commitment. In combination with me being a hugely overthinking and indecisive person, I put a lot of pressure into the idea of a relationship and commitment to a point where it scares me away.

Now:

On one hand, I want to at least try to commit to K., we have already had sex and everything and I know her longer. We get a long and I feel like if I do not give it a chance, I’ll throw away something special. I also do care for her. I feel really guilty for how I handles things with her and it made me realise that I do care for her, a lot.

On the other hand, I want to date L because its still in a more innocent, less complicated phase. Yet, I also feel like kissing her or maybe later down the line having sex with her is wrong if I haven’t even figured out yet what I want. Because of my doubts and realisation now I feel like I already have used her by cuddling for example (at the time I did it out of genuine interesest, so it was never malicious, but still) and thus going even further than cuddling (kissing, sex) would be even worse if I end up breaking up with her because of my doubts.

Of course, in both cases I can let them know about my doubts and fear of commitment, and that it I am willing to overcome it. Whoever I continue with, I think if I am completely transparent about my doubts something is possible.

Yet I find it hard to choose, and the fact that I have trouble making a choice makes me feel bad too. Though if I do make the choice I am willing to fully try.

I know I made mistakes and I know I have to end it with one of them. Ideally I would like to date both to figure it but that’s wrong. 

Maybe I should quit it with both and do some soul searching. I don’t know.

Finally, K knows that I have been seeing another girl, L. I have not told L about K but its only now that I realise I have not completely resolved the situation with K. I will let both know the full situation when I make the choice.

TL;DR: I thought I had everything figured out in terms of love but I did not. This had led me to do some stupid things I should have not done (essentially dating two people at the same time). I know I am to blame for it and I do regret it. I now have to choose between two people I both care for.

[Batya33]

I don’t think you necessarily have a general fear of commitment.  Love and commitment are of course two different things. I think the issue is neither woman is right for you and perhaps for different reasons. Before jumping to conclusions that you fear commitment how about considering that when you meet the right person you’ll choose that person over fear or you might have no real fear !