Does sharing my past trauma scare him away?

[Chaeryoung]

Hi everyone! I had other posts here, but what intrigues me lately is a particular question. I will briefly tell my situation and I would kindly ask your your opinions. 

I grew up in a very abusive environment (alcoholic father, used to beat me and my mom, and my mom used to beat me as well due to her unhappiness and frustration). As I grew up I began to realize how damaged I am from an emotionally point of view and I emerged into psychology and self-analysis. I worked on my self, I arrived to a point in which I am very self aware and that helped me in my last situationship. 

I was seeing a guy for four months who also has some emotional wounds/issues. He cannot attach to people (according to him), he has a fear of relationships in general and he always made sure to share the fact that he doesn't feel the same towards me as I feel towards him. I continued with it because he was actually behaving really nice, we did outdoor activities together, he was always respectful and always behaves as if he cared. However, we had to end things because he could not continue. He told me that it is not fair on his part to keep me there if he doesn't know what he wants or feels. 

What I want to stress here is that we had our moments when we shared details about our pasts. The day I knew it was over, I told him a traumatic event between me and my father. I wanted him to understand and emphatize with me despite knowing everything was over. We ended up on good terms, but I guess he felt like pity for me, because he invited to for Christmas to his parents' house due to the fact that my relationship with my parents is not that great. 

What I also fear is, what if I scared him away with sharing this past trauma? Although I guess I am a bit irrational because he made it clear beforehand that he has a problem with relationships in general. 

Well, everything ended 2 months ago and I am still trying to make peace with it. I might not have been that coherent, sorry for that. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

 he always made sure to share the fact that he doesn't feel the same towards me as I feel towards him.

It seems more like he wanted to be forthcoming and not lead you on. It's about him and his limitations, not anything you said or did.

However it's important to protect yourself and your information and only share it with professionals and trusted friends. You can always disclose something at a later time, when things are established.

[Jaunty]

I don't think that a "situationship" is the place to be sharing about traumatic things, generally speaking.  Neither are other casual connections between people - work mates,  gym pals, etc.  

Not because you'll 'scare them away' but because the relationship is not intimate enough for this.  In general I think that traumatic events, bad relationships, etc. need to be saved for the "real people" in your life.   Or a therapist.

When you put this out there to another person, they are going to need to do something with it.   

Obviously a guy who is not able to attach to people will be uncomfortable with this kind of sharing.   

My question to you is:  why did you decide to tell him this when he was trying to end it with you?  You wrote that you wanted him to "understand and empathize" with you.  Why at the moment that he was trying to cut things off?  Forgive me, but it sounds bordering on manipulative, on your part.  How could he push you away after you shared your trauma?   And you got the result of an invite for Christmas.  

I'm sincerely sorry you had such a rough time of it growing up.  It sounds terrible.  

 

[MissCanuck]

While revealing heavy emotional trauama is not a great idea when you're not already very close to the person in question, I don't think it's related to why this ended. 

He was clear with you from the beginning that he wasn't going to get in a relationship with you didn't have those feelings for you. He was consistent in that, it seems. You were setting yourself for disappointment by choosing to proceed anyway. I don't think this was ever going to develop, regardless of what you revealed about your past. 

Having said that, it would be better to find a good therapist who can help you process these past events rather than unloading them onto "situationships", as you call them. It's not really the,most appropriate or healthiest coping mechanism. 

 

[Kwothe28]

12 minutes ago, Chaeryoung said:

I wanted him to understand and emphatize with me despite knowing everything was over.

Why? It was clear that he just doesnt care about a relationship with you or relationship at all. Him undertanding that you survived trauma wouldnt help anything when he just didnt want a relationship from the start. Where you hoping he would continue relationship out of pity?

Anyway, messy people have like a magnet where they attract other messy people. So its no wonder that you, who is damaged from childhood trauma, attracted a man who has a fear of relationships and cant commit. That means that your own journey is far from over. Because a healthy individual wouldnt pick a man who couldnt commit. Just because he didnt beat you up doesnt mean the relationship was healthy. And I am sorry but, you still need therapy if you think that chasing after somebody who repeatedly tells you he wont commit, is a healthy way of doing a relationship.

[Chaeryoung]

8 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I don't think that a "situationship" is the place to be sharing about traumatic things, generally speaking.  Neither are other casual connections between people - work mates,  gym pals, etc.  

Not because you'll 'scare them away' but because the relationship is not intimate enough for this.  In general I think that traumatic events, bad relationships, etc. need to be saved for the "real people" in your life.   Or a therapist.

When you put this out there to another person, they are going to need to do something with it.   

Obviously a guy who is not able to attach to people will be uncomfortable with this kind of sharing.   

My question to you is:  why did you decide to tell him this when he was trying to end it with you?  You wrote that you wanted him to "understand and empathize" with you.  Why at the moment that he was trying to cut things off?  Forgive me, but it sounds bordering on manipulative, on your part.  How could he push you away after you shared your trauma?   And you got the result of an invite for Christmas.  

I'm sincerely sorry you had such a rough time of it growing up.  It sounds terrible.  

 

Yes. I was afraid that I acted manipulative. Actually, the context is more complex, but I knew things were over by the time I shared. We had beforehand some discussions about my parents, about his parents. Maybe I was manipulative, I don't know. I knew it was over though. I really knew it. It was the third time we had a discussion related to the continuity of what was going on between us and he didn't say it. He made me end things because he couldn't do it by himself.

[Seraphim]

Oversharing trauma before a relationship is secure is a mistake. 

[Chaeryoung]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Why? It was clear that he just doesnt care about a relationship with you or relationship at all. Him undertanding that you survived trauma wouldnt help anything when he just didnt want a relationship from the start. Where you hoping he would continue relationship out of pity?

Anyway, messy people have like a magnet where they attract other messy people. So its no wonder that you, who is damaged from childhood trauma, attracted a man who has a fear of relationships and cant commit. That means that your own journey is far from over. Because a healthy individual wouldnt pick a man who couldnt commit. Just because he didnt beat you up doesnt mean the relationship was healthy. And I am sorry but, you still need therapy if you think that chasing after somebody who repeatedly tells you he wont commit, is a healthy way of doing a relationship.

Yes. I know I didn't attract the right individual and that I have work to do. Why did I share things with him is because there was some openness and vulnerability on his part as well

[Jaunty]

I hope you will rethink engaging in "situationships."   Some people are good with this undefined state of affairs.  You are not one of them.  This is clear because your whole deal with him was defined by you wanting something that he was clear he was not able or willing to give.  

So being there was unhealthy for you.

Situationships work okay when neither person wants anything more, and that's it.

[Chaeryoung]

Thank you. You are right. 

[Chaeryoung]

18 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Why? It was clear that he just doesnt care about a relationship with you or relationship at all. Him undertanding that you survived trauma wouldnt help anything when he just didnt want a relationship from the start. Where you hoping he would continue relationship out of pity?

Anyway, messy people have like a magnet where they attract other messy people. So its no wonder that you, who is damaged from childhood trauma, attracted a man who has a fear of relationships and cant commit. That means that your own journey is far from over. Because a healthy individual wouldnt pick a man who couldnt commit. Just because he didnt beat you up doesnt mean the relationship was healthy. And I am sorry but, you still need therapy if you think that chasing after somebody who repeatedly tells you he wont commit, is a healthy way of doing a relationship.

Also, to be really honest, I didn't know what exactly crossed my mind when I told him what I did. I really knew it was over, as I mentioned. I knew the situation could not have been forced further. He was quite vague and stuff, but I knew it was really hard for him to call things of and I did it eventually. I packed my stuff, I left after an emotional conversation. And that was all. Of course I didn't want him to leave. But I knew it was only damaging from there on. 

[Cherylyn]

He wasn't relationship material to begin with.  He fears relationships and doesn't attach to people.  It was a waste from the beginning.

Like you, my past was horrible.  My late father was a chain smoking, alcoholic wife beater, heavily in debt womanizer.  He left my mother as single parent to raise 3 children all by herself.  She worked 3 jobs 7 days a week to put food on the table.  She saved her house, never filed for bankruptcy and paid off $400K in debts all by herself.  No one helped her.  She had no family to lean on during times of trouble.  She was on her own.  I'm proud of my very tough and strong mother.  She beat all odds and triumphed all by herself. 

When I dated my husband, I didn't reveal everything to him in the beginning nor during the earlier years of our marriage.  He knew bits and pieces of my past but I didn't reveal everything because I was too happy just enjoying married life.  Gradually through the years, I revealed all the gory details of my upbringing.  There was no shock and awe factor for him because I eased into telling him about my very painful childhood.  I didn't dump all information on him all at once.   He is a very compassionate man.  I didn't scare him away with my past trauma.  A real man acts like a real man and he will be there for you whether it's good or bad news.  My husband is a man of the highest integrity.  He is of very noble, honorable character and carries himself with class.  He's a real gentleman to the truest sense of the word.  Finding him was like finding a needle in a haystack.  I'm his very lucky wife.

If anything,  my husband saved me.  It's because of him and his normal family that I get to enjoy a very economically comfortable, blessed life I have today.  We have two sons and live a peaceful, very stable, settled life in the suburbs.  I thank my lucky stars that he hails from a solid, very nurturing, normal family background.  His late father treated his wife with the utmost respect and love so naturally my husband followed his late father's footsteps as did my brother-in-law (my husband's brother). 

A well adjusted man can handle your painful past.  A man with too much baggage of his own, will not be able to be the morally supportive man you are expecting or hoping for.  This is the distinction.

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, Chaeryoung said:

What I also fear is, what if I scared him away with sharing this past trauma? Although I guess I am a bit irrational because he made it clear beforehand that he has a problem with relationships in general. 

Yeah. I think he always planned to leave. I don't necessarily think you're irrational, but you are obviously self-conscious about the trauma you've suffered. Which is completely understandable. 

[catfeeder]

It doesn't sound as though you drove the guy away, because he was never really there in the first place. He kept reminding you of that.

I think it's natural to feel disturbed after disclosing highly charged things. That's one thing counselors and therapists are trained to help people deal with--the after-impacts of disclosure. 

This guy wasn't trained to do that, just as most people are not.

You sensed that he was already on his way out, and he confirmed that for you. That might have otherwise been okay, but you're attaching your disclosure to that outcome.

So sure, the two things feel uncomfortable. The guy may not have been the best choice of one to hear your disclosure, and, hearing your own disclosure may have impacted you in unexpected ways.

Have you considered working with someone who is trained to help you?

 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Chaeryoung said:

Actually, the context is more complex, but I knew things were over by the time I shared.

Then it was indeed the wrong time to be bringing up yet another trauma. It is not clear why you chose that moment to share. And yes, it looks a bit manipulative to spill that on him after he tried to cut things off, as if it was your last-ditch attempt to get him to show he cared. 

In any case, in the future, don't play the waiting game and hope a guy like this changes his mind about not wanting a relationship. When they tell you from the beginning they don't want to date you, please believe them. 

[smackie9]

It's not you it's definitely him. When someone tells you they are unstable with relationships you run the other direction. You need someone strong, stable and level headed. Look for things in common that are positive, so you can be positive/feel real good about yourself. Don't let what happened to you define who you are. Turn a new leaf and go forward anew.