Is my boyfriend too cheap?

[Feelinguneasy999]

Visiting daughter and son in law out of state with boyfriend of 18 months and it hasn’t gone as smoothly as it should. My boyfriend feels slighted by my daughter and says she barely talks to him and monopolizes me. I don’t agree with this entirely and only see my daughter a few times a year. My son in law has spent time with my bf and all 4 of us have too. 
 

my daughter says she and my son in law think my boyfriend is taking advantage of me financially. He claims to be wealthy and I’m comfortable too but he seems to have an issue with spending money on occasion. My daughter gave us her car to use while visiting and that saved my bf from renting a car. While we only used it on occasion he never offered to pay for gas. He did pick up groceries fir himself but still ate their food and never offered to replace it. He also never paid for dinners until today the last day when I suggested it and he paid for lunch the other day when it was just me, him and my daughter. It was not an expensive meal not that it matters but quizzed me since I ordered wine and he asked if my wine costs that much. Either I’ve paid or my kids have paid for the dinners  

my kids also paid for parking wherever we went and my bf never offered. He directed me to give a tip to the parking attendant and said he had no cash. 

I’m not sure which direction to go. Right now my daughter and bf aren’t seeing eye to eye. My bf is upset bc he wants me to move in and thinks I should just tell my daughter but he doesn’t know she doesn’t like him bc he is cheap and unappreciative. 
 

 

 

[Jaunty]

Ew.

[spinstermanquee]

Not knowing the whole story, I would assume that your child and her spouse have your best interests at heart, so their concerns merit a listen.

It does not sound normal to be hosted, provided housing, transportation, and meals, without wanting to reciprocate said hospitality and warmth.

The monopoly complaint sounds like a big ole red flag to me.  This is your daughter, for crying out loud, she deserves a good catch up, it's only 2x/year!  And it doesn't sound like a justified complaint from your description.

I'd draw back your focus a bit and look at the big picture... "claims to be wealthy,"  is trying to throw a wedge between you and your kid, is cheap and selfish, etc.  Look really, really hard... does he walk the talk or is he all talk?

[greendots]

I agree that not chipping in one bit is certainly bad form. As to weather he's stingy or lying about his wealth I don't know.  What does your boyfriend work as and how much does he earn? What's his lifestyle like? Does he like to eat out a lot? Does he enjoy spending money? Or is he generally quite frugal, even with himself?

What is certainly clear: your lifestyle doesn't seem compatible.

[Batya33]

Was he supposed to be your guest?

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, Feelinguneasy999 said:

  I should just tell my daughter but he doesn’t know she doesn’t like him bc he is cheap and unappreciative. 

Sorry this happened. Has he been like this the 18 mos you've been dating? 

Unfortunately it sounds like he didn't want to be there and your daughter didn't want him there.

So there's 2 issues. Is he just rude/cheap? And why your family doesn't like him.

It's too soon to move in, but ultimately that's your decision, not your family's. Reflect if this is the right man or right relationship for you.

[Cherylyn]

I've been with people who are so cheap, they squeak. 

Yes, your boyfriend is cheap.  He takes advantage of others who pay or host.  He doesn't take it upon himself to pay for gas, groceries for everyone (not just him), food, meals out, parking fees, etc.  He's very stingy which is unattractive and disdainful.

[catfeeder]

How has he behaved during the 18 months outside of this vacation?

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Feelinguneasy999 said:

He claims to be wealthy

This is an odd thing to say after 18 months of dating. 

You sound like you're talking about a man you have just met, not your own boyfriend of the last 1.5 years. While you might not know the specifics of his income, I'd think after this length of time you'd have a much clearer idea of what his financial situation really is. 

Have you asked? 

[Kwothe28]

Its not out of the ordinary for wealthy people to be careful with money. That is how they are wealthy in a first place. Not by throwing money but by being careful with it. At least those who worked for that money and not inherited it.

Anyway, I would be more concerned that he just doesnt see you two as one and is not only cheap but its selfish. In a relationship when you accept somebody you dont see separately. Meaning that he shouldnt have an issue with paying at least for you too. And his total lack of regard when it comes to your family(buying food separately and using theirs without even replacing it) shows that he only thinks for himself, not others. That is the character trait of very selfish people. 

Has he been alone for a longer period of time? People who got used to being alone often have that character thread. As they got used to taking care only for themselves. Anyway, if he is like that, its something to think about before you move in with him. And its a good blueprint how he would behave if you moved in. 

[JTCW]

I can see where this is going. It sounds like he is already trying to cause issues between you and your daughter and he will eventually try and talk you out of visiting her. He doesn't sound like a good guy at all. You need to prioritise your daughter here.  

[Batya33]

To add -of course I would offer to pay, insist on paying, find a way to pay/chip in etc.

But I would want to know more about why he came with you on the trip, what the expectations were, had he taken you on trips with his family and covered everything? Why would he rent a car to visit your family?  I think it's weird he bought his own stuff unless it was something he was craving he couldn't get in your hometown -different from stopping off at a restaurant to eat out and paying for himself.  Did he ask if he should buy extra for others? What were the expectations beforehand? Wealthy is irrelevant.  This is about values.

I went on vacation once with a female friend where I could afford a nice B and B and she couldn't.  It was right at the beach.  So I told her - let's stay here -I'll pay most of it since I prefer to stay there -that way she paid what she would have at a less expensive place.  And when my son and I stayed with her and her family for 3-4 days I paid for at least one dinner out, I paid or tried to when we went grocery shopping for all of us, I paid for other stuff, etc.  She did not ask.  (Neither would I have asked).

 I've seen people with tons of $$ act stingy and the opposite extreme.  Not about $$.

 

[tattoobunnie]

17 hours ago, Feelinguneasy999 said:

He claims to be wealthy...he wants me to move in

He meets your kid for the 1st time, and is a complete cheapskate, and presents himself as a cheapskate.  Lady....RED FLAG.  He had plenty of moments to win your kid over or be gracious, and he choose to put in zero effort to do so.  

Absolutely, DO NOT MOVE IN with him.

If you SIL treated your daughter like this, you'd be calling him a cheapskate too, and definitely not like him.

[smackie9]

 

Yes he's cheap BUT it just shouldn't be him opening his wallet for all this stuff. He doesn't want to be taken for granted either since this is a trip to see your daughter. BUT IMO this is about manners, not money. He's never offered to pay for anything, and that's pretty rude. So this is the stand off....he's not going to change, and you wish he would. Punt him to the curb. 

[reinventmyself]

18 hours ago, Feelinguneasy999 said:

My daughter gave us her car to use while visiting and that saved my bf from renting a car. 

Saving him from renting a car?  Shouldn't it be to save the both of you the cost?

You only gave examples of this one trip.  Personally, for me. . .If I have my bf tag along for a trip to see my family, which in reality benefits me - I wouldn't expect him to be ponying up to pay for family meals, etc.  I can see him contribute within reason. But this trip would benefit me, therefore I would be inclined to pay for things.

Is he this way on other occasions?   Could it be he just doesn't really enjoy the trips to see your family?  To be honest, though I am always invited, I send my bf on his own to visit his parents.   I can't imagine going and having him keep score on me not paying for his family dinners.

[Lambert]

I think you have to weigh what he is like on a regular basis.  

I think it's important for me to be with someone I am proud of and respect.  And I think a part of that is being gracious and classy with the people that are important to me.  It is common in my life and circle that if staying with someone, borrowing something, or they are some how doing me a favor, a courtesy of filling the tank, bringing a bottle of wine or picking up the tab is just a given.

If I were with a guy that was a just a "taker" then that's a red flag for me.  Also complaining about time with your children?  He is a grown man?  some of the things you wrote are definitely turn offs for me.  But what's he really like?  Are these common themes or one-offs?

My dad used to say-- givers can be takers but takers never give. 

Make sure you're not selling yourself short.  You definitely are better off alone than with a leech. 

PS.. don't move in with anyone without getting some kind of legal agreement.  Anyone can claim to be wealthy.  Protect yourself.  And don't play house.

[Coily]

23 hours ago, Feelinguneasy999 said:

. My boyfriend feels slighted by my daughter and says she barely talks to him and monopolizes me.

How do they interact? Could there be mutual resentment? I could imagine being the odd man out like your BF would be in this situation. 

 

23 hours ago, Feelinguneasy999 said:

My daughter says she and my son in law think my boyfriend is taking advantage of me financially. He claims to be wealthy and I’m comfortable too but he seems to have an issue with spending money on occasion. My daughter gave us her car to use while visiting and that saved my bf from renting a car. While we only used it on occasion he never offered to pay for gas. He did pick up groceries fir himself but still ate their food and never offered to replace it. He also never paid for dinners until today the last day when I suggested it and he paid for lunch the other day when it was just me, him and my daughter. It was not an expensive meal not that it matters but quizzed me since I ordered wine and he asked if my wine costs that much. 

How is your BF when you're home? Is this a one off or a pattern in your day to day?

Some guests like fish, smell after three days.

23 hours ago, Feelinguneasy999 said:

I’m not sure which direction to go. Right now my daughter and bf aren’t seeing eye to eye. My bf is upset bc he wants me to move in and thinks I should just tell my daughter but he doesn’t know she doesn’t like him bc he is cheap and unappreciative. 

Again this all hinges on how is he normally?

I'm not a fan of how he is acting, though I really have to wonder how he felt he was treated on that trip. In my opinion being engaged or in a long term relationship is when a BF or GF should be taken on a family trip. Otherwise everyone is likely to nitpick or react poorly when meeting strangers who you are uncomfortably supposed to like.

[Cherylyn]

I've noticed the wealthier or more affluent a person is, the cheaper they are.  This has been my observation for many, many years.

I've noticed those who are well to do are penny pinching cheap, haggle a lot, pay pennies on the dollar for contractors paid under the table yet they lavish themselves with top notch everything. 

I've noticed those are don't fare as well financially are very generous with their pocketbook.  My brother and mother being two of them who have no qualms paying for everyone's meals including the entire table of a large party at a restaurant whereas the affluent ones always sponge off (take advantage) of my very generous brother and mother.  Well to do ones don't mind mooching off others and don't reciprocate! 

My sister was a waitress long ago.  She had noticed that successful businessmen tipped the cheapest whereas blue collar workers tipped generously.  Go figure.  🙄