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Guy suddenly acting distant after heavily pursuing me


jwrunner81

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Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

I assume he didn’t talk about past relationships because they are not past. He might have some regulars or even a (some ) girlfriend but he doesn’t live with her. Maybe the one with the bad paint color… single guys (mostly older good looking ones) often have plenty of women at their disposal. They enjoy their single live jumping from a woman to an other on a regular basis. 

The more I think about it, the more I think it applies to this situation.  He was on a dating site, obviously fishing for women, and he reached out to me, fed me every line of BS possible, told me everything that he thought or knew I wanted to hear, and had me driving 5 hours and in his bed within 2 weeks of meeting.  He has surely perfected his craft based on his smooth talking skills!

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It sounds like he's got a very recent break-up behind him, or he's just got another woman he's seeing who spends the night. Or the last woman he met online whom he invited to stay with him forgot those things and he just left them there.

1 hour ago, jwrunner81 said:

saying this in a playful/innocent/slightly flirtatious manner to see how he would respond, and his response was one single word, "Please" and then he didn't text or call me again for the rest of that night

Whatever the reason, he doesn't want to get into the emotional stuff anymore. It hurts, but you need to forget this man. So many weird red flags. 

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It's normal after a long period of neglect or not being in the dating world to feel lonely and jump at opportunities.  Don't beat yourself up about it, but take a lesson learned.

Dating has changed dramatically over the years from when you first began.  Nowadays we see more men (and even some women) committing less , opting for casual sex, and not letting on their intentions.  A guy could say yes I want a relationship, but what kind?  FWB, casual or committed to one person?  We have to do our own research without asking them directly.  You see, people can lie.  Looking at their actions helps but it is not foolproof.  A friend of mine dated a guy for 3 mos.  He was very open with his feelings, introduced her to his family, invested time and money.  Sounds like the real deal, yeah?

Guess what happened it was an act!  She was ghosted and found out from his sister later he had been dating two of them simultaneously!  Let's be clear not all men pretend- but these guys are out there.  Now ghosting her in this case was downright cold.  She deserved at least a conversation, "I'm sorry but ...."

You Don't want to close off your heart in suspicion every guy is a lier, but really keep in tune with what your gut is saying and any little things.  My friend did say he didn't reply to her messages a few times until the next morning.  But she didn't want to seem clingy so she never brought it up.  She is now sorry this red flag got by her.  This guy was a good actor but I always feel there will be "something" with these types that will trigger a jolt in our intuition.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

We have to do our own research without asking them directly.  You see, people can lie. 

I love everything you wrote, but I would certainly ask each potential date directly what they seek from dating. Up front. That's one major point of screening.

If it's casual, FWB, I'm not sure but I'm open to... or anything less than a long-term monogamous relationship, then it was a pleasure meeting them for a quick coffee, but that's a self screen-out. We're just not a match.

And of course they can lie, but if we are to believe that every person we meet eye-to-eye is a liar, then what are we doing speaking with them at all? The whole point of local and regular dating is getting to know a person over a course of t.i.m.e. In Real Life and learning whether or not they walk their talk.

No insta-future speak, or insta-commitment, or insta-introductions to family--doing that stuff prematurely is love-bombing, and that's a whole topic to read up on. 

Especially before having sex. If a guy is interested enough to stick around and get to know a woman as a human being prior to getting sexual, then that's a degree of respect that players won't stick around for. So those guys screen themselves out. (Easily!)

The goal is NOT to 'get' someone to stick around. It's to keep screening OUT until landing on the right match. I do agree that nothing is foolproof. There are no guarantees. That's exactly why dating is a needle-in-the-haystack process of screening out bad matches with resiliency and appreciation for the unique value of each human despite recognizing a poor match--and passing early.

Most people are NOT our match. Those are universal odds, and they don't work 'against' us, they work 'for' us. Settling into the wrong relationship is hell on earth, in case anyone here hasn't noticed. 🙂 I'd rather be peacefully single any day than rush into something/anything just for the sake of not being alone. 

OP, learn how to court your own darn Self and stabilize solo. You will thank yourself for the grounding and confidence from which you can approach dating--or anything else. 

 

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4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

 

The goal is NOT to 'get' someone to stick around. It's to keep screening OUT until landing on the right match. 

 

This seems to be forgotten frequently around these relationship boards.  There are so many posts focussing on DOES HE LIKE ME??  WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???  Etc.  With little to, mostly, zero attention to the most important thing:  Is he a good fit for me?  Do we align in all important ways?  Do we have stimulating conversation?  That stuff.

The other side of that coin is, if they appear to LIKE you a great deal, and they look good enough on paper, it's very easy for some women to just jump right in without knowing enough about them (not looking for lies - looking for all that you need to know to decide whether they're right for you).  That seems to be what happened here.

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Just now, jwrunner81 said:

Well, he called me tonight, totally out of the blue while I was at the gym.  We talked for 15 minutes.  I was not expecting that.

Yes, he will contact you when it's convenient for him.  Given what you wrote about him here and your personal attacks of his character you believe now -why did you speak with him at all?

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38 minutes ago, jwrunner81 said:

Well, he called me tonight, totally out of the blue while I was at the gym.  We talked for 15 minutes.  I was not expecting that.

I'm surprised that you are available for this.  Why?  Do you still want to pursue this after his extreme ghosting behavior?  

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49 minutes ago, jwrunner81 said:

Well, he called me tonight, totally out of the blue while I was at the gym.  We talked for 15 minutes.  I was not expecting that.

Oh, so you didn't block him.

I guess you're having trouble accepting that he used you for easy sex, and that he will only hit you up when it's convenient for him.

Meaning, when he's bored, lonely, or horny.

I feel really bad for you, your self-esteem is so low. You deserve so much better.

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2 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

Oh, so you didn't block him.

I guess you're having trouble accepting that he used you for easy sex, and that he will only hit you up when it's convenient for him.

Meaning, when he's bored, lonely, or horny.

I feel really bad for you, your self-esteem is so low. You deserve so much better.

I don't know that he used her for sex.  She didn't use him for sex.  They had casual sex.  They enjoyed it.  But we do know that he went MIA after and didn't make specific plans to see her again and all the other things she wrote about his ex girlfriend's house, the feminine products laying around, V-day comments and on and on and on and then he goes MIA -that was the jerky part at the end not having sex with her -they had fun! - and now she's showing him she'll settle for dog poop scraps -not only taking his call while at the gym but talking to him for 15 minutes?? Why?? 

OP if you continue to stay in touch in this way you are lying to yourself and treating yourself poorly and he is not using you or leading you on.  Please stop leading yourself on.

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1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I love everything you wrote, but I would certainly ask each potential date directly what they seek from dating. Up front. That's one major point of screening.

If it's casual, FWB, I'm not sure but I'm open to... or anything less than a long-term monogamous relationship, then it was a pleasure meeting them for a quick coffee, but that's a self screen-out. We're just not a match.

And of course they can lie, but if we are to believe that every person we meet eye-to-eye is a liar, then what are we doing speaking with them at all? The whole point of local and regular dating is getting to know a person over a course of t.i.m.e. In Real Life and learning whether or not they walk their talk.

No insta-future speak, or insta-commitment, or insta-introductions to family--doing that stuff prematurely is love-bombing, and that's a whole topic to read up on. 

Especially before having sex. If a guy is interested enough to stick around and get to know a woman as a human being prior to getting sexual, then that's a degree of respect that players won't stick around for. So those guys screen themselves out. (Easily!)

The goal is NOT to 'get' someone to stick around. It's to keep screening OUT until landing on the right match. I do agree that nothing is foolproof. There are no guarantees. That's exactly why dating is a needle-in-the-haystack process of screening out bad matches with resiliency and appreciation for the unique value of each human despite recognizing a poor match--and passing early.

Most people are NOT our match. Those are universal odds, and they don't work 'against' us, they work 'for' us. Settling into the wrong relationship is hell on earth, in case anyone here hasn't noticed. 🙂 I'd rather be peacefully single any day than rush into something/anything just for the sake of not being alone. 

OP, learn how to court your own darn Self and stabilize solo. You will thank yourself for the grounding and confidence from which you can approach dating--or anything else. 

 

This bears repeating... Great post @catfeeder

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1 hour ago, jwrunner81 said:

Well, he called me tonight, totally out of the blue while I was at the gym.  We talked for 15 minutes.  I was not expecting that.

So all is forgiven, you believe he is sincere and all of the glaring red flags are all forgotten or disregarded because he called you after how many days of not responding?

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2 hours ago, Wonderstruck said:

Oh, so you didn't block him.

I guess you're having trouble accepting that he used you for easy sex, and that he will only hit you up when it's convenient for him.

Meaning, when he's bored, lonely, or horny.

I feel really bad for you, your self-esteem is so low. You deserve so much better.

Okay, first of all, I was at his house for 5 days and we only had sex TWICE the entire time I was there, and it wasn't until after I had been there for about 3 days.  It's not like we jumped in the sack as soon as I walked in the door.  It was quite the opposite.  In fact, he made absolutely sure that I was ready before we did it and said that he didn't want me to feel pressured.  The rest of the time, we were out and about, going out to lunch and dinner every day, going to the beach, on hikes, watching movies, having conversations, etc.  Trust me when I say that NO ONE was used for sex here.  We are two consenting adults who WANTED to have sex.  My husband and I hadn't had sex in about 8 years, so I was MORE than ready for it.  I also would not have had sex with him had I not felt a connection on a deeper level.  I'm not the type of person who will just drop my laundry for anybody.  Let's be clear that I am absolutely not defending his ghosting behavior over the last couple of days, but I will not tolerate being told that I was "used for sex," when I know damn well that was not the case.   Also, my self-esteem is just fine, thank you very much.

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5 hours ago, Jaunty said:

...There are so many posts focussing on DOES HE LIKE ME??  WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???  Etc.  With little to, mostly, zero attention to the most important thing:  Is he a good fit for me?  Do we align in all important ways? 

Yep. This isn't a finger-wag, it's practical. Too often a clear focus on, "What do I actually want as a good match for me?" only starts to emerge if a guy bails or withholds contact. Up until that point, it's about doing pretzels around, "What does he think of me?" regardless of how many red flags pop up along the way.

As long as the guy keeps calling or texting, the incongruous stuff just gets pushed aside where it can't interfere with the fantasy.

That's opposite world. Dating needs to consistently come from a place of, "What kind of match do I envision for my future?" rather than, "I can make this fit..." or "...his mistreatment doesn't outweigh the good stuff..."

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7 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

Well, he called me tonight, totally out of the blue while I was at the gym.  We talked for 15 minutes.  I was not expecting that.

What did you talk about? I guess you took the call because you needed some clarity on the situation. Did you learn something or did he just talked like nothing changed. A man can sometimes ghost you and reach out again out of the blue ignoring or not even mentioning he has been distant. They do that to make you second guess your overthinking of the situation and keep you wrapped. (No need to mention this is how players operate) 

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10 hours ago, jwrunner81 said:

He called me tonight,  We talked for 15 minutes. 

What did he want? Were you satisfied with the conversation? 

It seems like it was a fun fling for both of you. The question is if you want to continue talking or visiting each other.

Since it was basically one long date, you're not exclusive and not in a relationship, so you can keep him on the back burner, but continue to seek available local men you can see regularly and develop a relationship with .

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I'm so glad you don't feel used for sex.  Having sex after knowing someone in person only 3 days IMO is very fast and when you went to his house obviously you both knew sex was an option/on the table.  (Meaning you didn't tell him beforehand you'd stay at his home but not have sex -yes I have done that, many times, several different men when I was dating and that was always 100% fine and worked out that way. 

You are a person who is comfortable having sex with someone you don't really know based on not having had sex for a long time- and in that situation you want sex badly and will have casual sex with someone you feel sexually attracted to.  That's good information and know that that is how you react to a period of time with no sex and not how others might.  (unlike a real human need such as, lol, "I hadn't eaten all day so of course I had McDonalds even though I'd have preferred to wait for a lobster roll..."). 

Be careful about too much rationalizing and justifying especially since in this situation you are a person who took major physical risks and even some unnecessary emotional risks it seems by interacting with this person and having intercourse with him.  And then tried to justify it.  It's not really a safe way to be in the dating world IMO.

It wouldn't  take me 15 minutes to talk to someone about why they acted the way the OP acted. (If I took the call at all -in the past there were times I didn't -I didn't care why the person acted obnoxious/rude).   I'd have cut to the chase and simply said how I saw what he had done (or not done) and asked him why, then gone quiet.  Anything other than some remotely possible emergency or similar would mean me saying "thanks for sharing, wish you well, please do not contact me again, thanks."  If it was a long lame excuse story I wouldn't have given him the air time.

It would take perhaps 3 minutes? Perhaps?

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 2/27/2023 at 10:38 AM, jwrunner81 said:

Exactly when did I ever say that????

I'm sorry to say that my impression after reading each post is that you've subtly said it throughout this entire thread, tbh.

I'm curious to know about the phone call myself - since you haven't responded, I'm guessing boltnrun is right. I hope not and that you're moving on.

 

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I want you to think about a few things, OK?

#1: You didn't even think about the questions (or "red flags" as you put them) that you don't know the answers to, until now, simply because you were so swept away in everything else. (And if you DID think about that stuff, you still didn't ASK those questions, OR care that he didn't give much info if you DID ask those questions.) You were caught up in how good everything felt.

#2: He knew you were a lonely widow. He knew your husband wasn't always the nicest guy to you. He knew you how to get you hooked. He knew you'd fall in love with the attention he gave you. He knew the deep long conversations would affect you and have him on your mind 24/7. (And he was RIGHT.) So when he asked you to visit him, you'd say YES.

#3: What's the one thing that's changed since before your visit and after your visit? He had sex with you. NOT that there's anything WRONG with that. It's NATURAL to have sex with someone you feel close to. But in YOUR case, it was MORE than just sex. You're damn near in LOVE with this guy. It's VERY possible that he didn't want much more than a few days of fun, and he knew how to get it.

#4: Now that he's achieved his goal, he doesn't have to continue to put all that extra time and effort in. Men chase. Now that he has you, he doesn't have to chase you anymore. Now that he's "HAD" you, he doesn't have the DESIRE to chase anymore.

Should you back off? Yeah. I would. Should you tell him you've noticed a definite change in how much he contacts you? That's up to you. You're worried that you'll scare him away by coming off too needy, saying that. But the truth is, he's not showing much interest right now ANYWAY. So if it DOES scare him off, he was just looking for an excuse to stop talking to you. And "Being needy" will be just the excuse he needs to cut off communication so YOU can feel like you did something wrong when in REALITY, you did NOTHING wrong. He was more clingy than you were in the beginning, so how can he be mad at you for expecting that to continue? Don't let him manipulate you if he tries.

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I haven't been on here for a few weeks since I recently started a new job and have been very busy, so I thought I'd post an update.  It has now been exactly two full weeks since I've heard a peep from this guy.  Not a single call, FaceTime, or text message.  I sent him a couple of texts 10-11 days ago, but he never responded to them and he hasn't contacted me in any way.  He called me on March 1st very briefly while he was in Florida and then texted me once later that same evening, but that was it.  He just completely dropped off after that.  I don't know when or if I'll hear from him again and I have no idea what's going on with him, but I frankly no longer really care.  He ghosted me and it's his loss.  It was a total jerk move on his part.  He was probably never all that serious to begin with and clearly has issues.

I have moved forward and I'm now dating a local guy who lives only 45 minutes from me and it's going amazingly well so far.  We had our first date last Sunday, which lasted 8-9 hours, and we spent almost the entire time laughing so hard that we cried.  I won't get into all of the details since it would take too long, but it was the most imperfectly perfect/hilarious date ever and we're spending this coming weekend together.  He's an former police officer of nearly 30 years and he's originally from the same state as the guy who ghosted me.  He moved to my state in 2016.  He is divorced and had a tough marriage like I did, so we could totally relate to each other on that front.  We had both been with our spouses since we were very young.

He is polar opposite of the last guy.  Since our first date, his communication has INCREASED significantly.  We have been texting practically all day every day since our date and we're counting down the hours until Friday, when we will be going out of town together for the weekend.  He keeps thanking me for our amazing first date and saying how it has been many years since he's laughed that hard.  It was so funny that we're both still laughing about it many days later.  So many hilarious things happened during our date, and the last guy who I traveled 5 hours to meet was the butt of our jokes over dinner.  I have never felt this amazing.  He is so sweet and respectful.  He wanted to make sure I was comfortable during our date.  When he brought me home, he said he would come inside, but he wanted to respect boundaries.  He definitely wasn't trying to sleep with me on the first date.  We did kiss, which was amazing.  He told me today that he can't stop thinking about me and he sent me a meme that said, "Falling in love is easy.  Having sex is easier.  But bumping into someone who can spark your soul is extremely rare."   Yesterday, he said that he has never had this strong of an urge to spend time with somebody.  We definitely seem to be having the exact same feelings and I feel very good about this.  We both agreed that we would like to see where this goes and we are officially dating.  It's also a million times easier since instead of being 300+ miles/5 hours away, he's only 35 miles/45 minutes away, so we can see each other whenever we want.  

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It's great that you have met someone new and are enjoying his company. 

But please, remember to keep perspective. You are at risk of diving head-first into something again so please keep in mind that you still barely know him, too. I can see that you are excited but all the hyperbole you're using suggests you're getting very swept up in the moment again. Tread cautiously and don't get too far ahead of yourself. You still hardly know this new person. 

1 hour ago, jwrunner81 said:

last guy who I traveled 5 hours to meet was the butt of our jokes over dinner.

You talked about this man on your first date with someone else? 

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