Multiple lies from bf?

[VG2013]

I am training to become a child therapist and have been through a lot of abuse growing up, so I have this core belief that with social support, people are capable of tremendous positive change, but I fear this thought might keep me in bad situations sometimes, so I would like other opinions on my current situation. 

My bf and I have been together almost a year. We started off casual for a couple months. This was a new experience for me and I had a feeling I am not someone that can sustain casual only situations due to my background and personality, but I was very lonely and touch starved after being completely isolated for almost 2 years during the pandemic, so it felt really nice to be touched. We would have deep and meaningful conversations and experiences together. Over time, we became closer and decided to enter a relationship. Unfortunately, he has told me a lot of lies.

1. We both are baristas at Starbucks right now. The first lie occurred when I called him one night to spontaneously see if he wanted to hang out. He told me that he had to get home real quick and then I could head over. When I got to his apartment, I asked how his day was and what all he did. He told me that he had just gotten back from Starbucks, which is why he asked me to wait 10 minutes before heading over. I glanced at the time and was surprised because Starbucks had closed an hour prior. My stomach tightened and I mentioned that. He fumbled with words and told me that he had actually been at a woman's apartment (I'll call her K), but was nervous because he was afraid what my reaction would be. K works with us and I always thought she seemed pleasant. I knew about their friendship and had not been bothered by it, but my bf had previously made comments like "K seems like the type of person that would cheat on her bf" and had told me that she would often complain about her bf to him and show up alone at his apartment at night when her and her bf were in conflict, so this whole scenario made me very uncomfortable. I was upset, but knew my bf had been in controlling relationships before and assured him that I would not have been mad if he had been honest. He promised not to lie anymore and I asked that he set boundaries with her and that they not spend time alone in one another's apartments anymore. He agreed. He took it a step further (which I never asked him to do) and said he would stop talking to K. I told him he didn't have to, but he insisted.

2. We had scheduled a dinner date to cook a meal together and eat. I bought all the groceries, but an hour before, my  bf told me that he would actually be going to to a concert in a different city with his friend (who comes up frequently and will be known as L) and that they were leaving.

3. I knew that my bf engaged in marijuana use and LSD use. I told him that I personally do not do that and I do not agree with those activities, but that he is an adult and as an adult, it is his decision to do what he pleases. I just requested that he not hide it from me. He said he wouldn't. We lived together at this point and he told me he was going to hang out with L. They planned on drinking, so he wanted to stay the night so that he wouldn't be driving in an unsafe state. I agreed and thought nothing of it. A couple days before, he randomly started a conversation of how "mind-expanding LSD is" and the "possible scientific benefits." I shared my view, which is that there is insufficient research on it and it could be potentially dangerous (he had previously described feeling intensely depressed after the comedown). The convo ended after that. Two days before he was staying with L, I was chatting with a coworker and asked his weekend plans. He said: "Oh, well me, your bf, and L are going to do LSD on Sunday." I was in shock. Not so much by the fact that my bf was going to do LSD, but from the fact that he straight up lied. I confronted him later and he said he was going to tell me, but was very nervous about what my reaction might be and that he had tried to bring it up. He agreed to not go to L's apartment on Sunday, but the next day, kept saying he really wanted to go "just to hang out" and that he wouldn't do LSD and that he wanted me to "just trust him." He brought up that another of my close friends at work (who I know would never do LSD) would be there, so it would keep him from doing anything. We ended up having a heartfelt conversation that night and my bf apologized and said he struggles with confrontation and has a hard time accepting accountability as well as consequences that come with his actions. 

4. A few weeks later, my bf wanted to go to his friends one night (the same person that he had wanted to do LSD with, so it already made me a little anxious). His cat was living with us, but had to be confined in my bedroom for his own safety, so we had previously agreed that my bf would play with his cat for 30 minutes every night to prevent him from meowing all night. I am a Zumba instructor and would be teaching Zumba the next morning. My bf promised he would be back by midnight to play with his cat, so we could sleep and I wouldn’t feel tired at Zumba. He didn’t come back until 4:00 am because he “drank too much” and knew that I would “care about his safety.” At this point, we had a serious conversation about his lying. I asked him what would make him feel safe in the relationship and what we could do to prevent him from feeling like he had to lie. We came up with solutions and agreed that the next time I found out he hid something from me without him coming forward, we would break up.  

5. My bf deleted his old Snapchat and created a new one, which he added me to. He said he deleted his old one because he was trying to stop all drug use, and to do that, he said he needed to cut off unhealthy connections he had on that app. For two months, I noticed he hadn’t posted on SC, which seemed unusual for him because he previously posted almost every day, often pictures of himself in the mirror or his cat. I asked if he had any private stories. He said: “Of course I don’t. You know that I deleted my old SC account and made a new one with the people I interact with. I would have no reason to have a private story.” Something in my gut said he was lying. I asked him to show me. “Ooooh, that’s what you meant by private. I didn’t know what a private story was.” I told him that on his old account, I was included in two of his private stories, so I knew he knew what a private story was. I asked who could not see his private story. He told me I was the only one. I asked why. He said he was afraid I would judge him or think he was self-centered. He said he liked posting pictures of himself because it gave him external validation. At this point, I felt very sick. I asked if I could see his conversations. He showed them to me. I noticed he sent pictures back and forth to a female friend (D) he had known for 2 years. I asked what those were because they didn't show. He told me they were selfies and that this is how they had communicated since they first knew each other. I opened a conversation from another woman that he had not yet read. He got upset and grabbed his phone from me asking why I was doing this. I asked why the reaction and he told me that he hadn't yet read the message and didn't want it to go away. I broke up with him and asked him to move out. He said he was worried that he would go back to drugs without me. I told him that isn't my responsibility. He suggested couples therapy. I said no. Then he said: "Well, what if I told you that I have been messaging K on snapchat all this time?" I think it may have been to get a reaction, but I told him that I had a feeling he was and I wasn't bothered by him simply messaging her. Then I thought about how he had turned off notifications from snapchat and that made sense because he was hiding his communication with her.

We were apart for a little over a month and ended up reconnecting. He was in individual therapy and had been abstaining from drugs. He said he was working through things in therapy and felt like it was good for him because he had been avoiding the trauma from his family and had built up unhealthy behaviors and habits from it. We kept talking over the next couple of weeks and had a lot of deep discussions regarding what happened between us. I was interested in trying again, but originally he said: "No, I think I need to do this by myself. I don't want to keep hurting you while I heal." I told him that people can heal while being in relationships, but let the topic go. The next week he brought it up and said that he wanted to try again, so we are. We will be starting couples therapy in a couple weeks in addition to individual therapy.

The problem is that I don't trust him now.  I can see that he is putting in a lot of effort and pushing himself to be emotionally open and apologize if he makes a mistake, but there is this voice of doubt in my head when he tells me things. I also have a fear that he might cheat on me because we don't have a foundation of trust, he slept with 7 women in the 2 years before me, and he previously relied on his female friends for emotional support because his family taught him that men don't cry or support each other. We had a deep convo on what emotional cheating is, set boundaries, and agreed to take certain actions (like, he has agreed to stop sending selfies back and forth with D), but he has lied to me before, so I am not sure that I can trust he will take these actions. 

There is a part of me that really wants to believe in him and believe that people can and do grow (I mean, I have grown immensely and he is still only 21 years old and I am a few years older than him), but then there is also a part of me that is very scared he won't. I am also scared because the only way I have found out that he has lied has been through other people or my own logic. That makes me think that he would not turn around and be honest even if he did lie or that he will keep lying and I just won't know (especially now that we live apart). If you made it this far, thanks for reading this whole book, and thanks for sharing any thoughts or responses you may have. 

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, VG2013 said:

 . I broke up with him and asked him to move out. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you're very incompatible. You made the right choice asking him to move out.  Try to stay away from him. He's leading a double life, being manipulative and doing a lot harm to your wellbeing.

[Cherylyn]

Like you, there WAS a part of me who believed for resolutions and positive outcomes in floundering relationships.  I hung on for as long as I could and then it happened.  I hit a wall.  That wall was my signal to dissolve the relationship and make my exit.  Peace,  freedom and relief are a godsend and the greatest gifts you give to yourself.  My only regret was I didn't do it sooner.  I could've saved myself a lot of grief.  Better late than never. 

If your brain is telling you that you can't trust a person, your brain is forewarning you to beware for your own safety and sanity's sake.  Always take heed because it's always right on the mark for a reason. 

Anytime a person lies, cheats, steals, deceives, betrays or any of it, it's game over.  No deal.  Always remember a person's track record.  If they have a pattern of hurting and sorely disappointing you, no amount of wishing and hope will make it better.  They're playing you for a fool should you hold onto a farce of a relationship. 

The majority of people do not change.  Save that for storybooks and movies.  People are who they are.  They are set in their ways. 

It's best not to be with people whom you're not on the same page with.  This applies to anyone.  It's better to be alone than lonely with the wrong person in your life.  Always make sure your personality and character aligns with whomever you're with.  Everyone else is an automatic reject which is ironclad.

[Andrina]

He's always full of excuses and reasons why he does what he does. Really, in the therapy he's receiving, it is best that he do all that without the stress of a relationship. Because besides the positive aspects of relationships, they also do involve much stress. He needs to concentrate on his therapy.

He already feels like you're keeping a watchful eye on him, and believe me, he's going to come to resent you--that he has to be a good boy or be punished by a mother figure.

You're young and are still learning about relationships. There is a big difference of controlling behavior versus expecting accountability. He doesn't want to reasonably be accountable to anyone, and people in healthy relationships are accountable to one another.

And no, you can't dictate if a person uses drugs or not. But you can decide that's a dealbreaker for you, as there are so many cons to having a partner who uses. It's expensive, and that money could have been used for better things. It's illegal, and you could either have a bf in jail, or you could join him there if circumstances went awry. And he would fail to get better jobs since many jobs require random drug tests. Plus if you had children, they could accidentally ingest it.

I think if you get time and distance away from him, you will see you can do far better. Take care.

[reinventmyself]

The entire read smacks of a parent/child relationship.  It's serious red waving flags if you have keep such close tabs on him, hold him accountable and keep creating and recreating boundaries for him.

Incompatibility.  Find someone who shares your same values.  

[Tinydance]

I hate to say it but unfortunately I'm not sure that he's going to change. If he's 21, I  think he has a lot of growing to do still, judging by everything you wrote about him. Even before I read in your post that your boyfriend said he's afraid of confrontation, I was actually thinking that. I was also thinking: "This person is a people pleaser".

I think maybe one of the reasons your boyfriend lies to you is because he's really worried about your opinions and he wants you to approve of what he's doing. For example, you said you don't really approve of drugs and that's why he was hiding that he was taking drugs. First of all, I would consider whether you're actually compatible even based on the fact that you're against drugs but your boyfriend uses them. Although you did say to him that he can take them, just as long as he doesn't lie to you about it. And he did lie to you about it at least a couple of times. 

In regards to the girl he works with, her behaviour sounds quite inappropriate. If she has a boyfriend then she shouldn't be turning up at another guy's apartment unannounced. But it was actually on your boyfriend to set boundaries with her and tell her she can't come in and tell her to never do it again. Also if he wanted to continue being friends with this girl, he could have just set boundaries with her, rather than cut her off. I don't see what the point of saying he'd cut her off was if he just continued to keep in contact with her.

My personal opinion is it's OK to have opposite gender friends.  It's the fact though that he actually made a whole new Snapchat/private stories, etc. just so he could hide from you that he's talking to those girls. If they're really just his friends and the conversations are innocent then why would he need to hide them? Something tells me that there's either something going on or he thinks you don't want him to have female friends, so he decided to hide it. In any case, you're completely right that he's lied to you too many times.

Your boyfriend really does come across as a people pleaser to me. For example, I do drugs very occasionally but I am actually honest about it. I'm fine with smoking some weed rarely at a party and things like that. If a person was completely anti drugs then I don't think we would be compatible romantically or even as friends. If they had a problem with me occasionally doing drugs then I don't think I'd be like: "OK I'll never ever do drugs again" but secretly keep doing them because in reality I want to keep doing them. 

I also think when you're in your 20's, a few years age gap can actually make a big difference. Especially if it's the girl who's older than the guy. For example, when I was 22 - 23, I was dating a guy who was 19 - 20. I thought the age gap wouldn't be a big deal because it was only three years. But in reality he was really immature and so were his male friends. Basically he broke up with me and I asked him if there was any reason for it. And I'm pretty sure he said something like "My friends just don't really like you and don't approve of you and they said you had acne". Even though I was super nice and friendly to his friends! And he actually really liked me until his friends started making those kinds of comments. So he was basically acting like he was still in high school. Or a child even lol

The other thing is your boyfriend needs to want to change and improve himself on his own, without you always policing him. If he's saying he's going to quit drugs, delete those girls, do therapy, but he doesn't actually want to, it won't work. He has to do all that because he actually wants to and not just to placate you.

[Kwothe28]

I actually dont think your boyfriend is a "people pleaser". Its you who are that. You accepted a liar and a cheater(he definitely sleped with K woman). Who does drugs, lies frequently about his activities and apparently messages other women with implication for more(what do you think they did alone at the appartment lol). All because you were "were very lonely and felt nice to be touched". 

In fact, I feel even you know that. You are painfully aware of his flaws, even accepted being casual at first because he wanted it. Its him who is in control there because you chosed an awful human being and chosed to be "non confrontational" about it all for the sake of some inner piece. So now he can lie to you,  cheat, do drugs, and afterward beg you to take him back. And you will apparently do it. Do you see your mistakes there?

Also, yes, he wont change. Any change you will see would be temporary. Because that kind of people never change. It requires too much work that they are just not ready to. He would have to "walk the walk" for years in order for meaningful change to happen. And I think even you as a future therapist know that. But hey, you accepted him as such so enjoy until he starts doing his shennanigans again. 

[MissCanuck]

Oh, honey. Do not waste your time and money on couple's therapy with this guy. 

He's been showing you from the very beginning who he is, and you have chosen to ignore, justify or overlook serious red flags. It's time you stop doing that, and start realizing that you two are totally incompatible and don't belong together. 

10 hours ago, VG2013 said:

he is still only 21 years old

He's way too young and immature for the relationship you want. This is not going to be the man you stay with forever. He isn't where you are, and won't be for a long time and probably after a few more girlfriends. 

10 hours ago, VG2013 said:

I asked him what would make him feel safe in the relationship and what we could do to prevent him from feeling like he had to lie.

No. This is backwards, and suggest you don't have good boundaries. This young man lies again and again, and you want to know how you can make him feel safe? Girl. He could just be honest. It's not as hard or psychologically-deep as you're trying to make it. If anything, it should have been him asking you how to help you feel safe. 

It's time to end this. He is not into you the way you're into him, and it's already a toxic mess. Let him go. Raise your standards. And the next time around, listen to your gut and heed the red flags. Don't try to shove a square peg into a round hole. It never works. 

[JTCW]

Personally I don't think he can be trusted at all and I don't think he will ever change, no matter how much he tries to convince you. 

[reinventmyself]

19 hours ago, VG2013 said:

I am training to become a child therapist and have been through a lot of abuse growing up, so I have this core belief that with social support, people are capable of tremendous positive change, 

Given your studies, I think it's preventing you from being objective.  Relationships aren't perfect and they do require work and compromise.  But therapy rarely changes someone's character or values and this guy isn't a project to fix. 

He's also immature.  Time and life lessons will take care this.  I am all about therapy, but it doesn't make incompatible people magically compatible.

My guess, he will meet someone someday that will inspire him to be a better man.  You in turn should hold out for someone who is better suited for you.  In the mean time resist trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

19 hours ago, VG2013 said:

 

 he struggles with confrontation and has a hard time accepting accountability as well as consequences that come with his actions. 

 

 We will be starting couples therapy in a couple weeks in addition to individual therapy.

 

 

 

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

Given your studies, I think it's preventing you from being objective.  Relationships aren't perfect and they do require work and compromise.  But therapy rarely changes someone's character or values and this guy isn't a project to fix. 

He's also immature.  Time and life lessons will take care this.  I am all about therapy, but it doesn't make incompatible people magically compatible.

My guess, he will meet someone someday that will inspire him to be a better man.  You in turn should hold out for someone who is better suited for you.  In the mean time resist trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I agree with this post that you're actually sort of trying to be his therapist yourself. You keep talking to him like he's a child and always saying: "Don't do this, don't do that". Maybe he is capable of change but it's not really up to you to keep pushing him towards that change. The thing also is people have core values and beliefs and it doesn't look like yours actually match. I know you said that you told him he's allowed to take drugs if he doesn't lie about it. But you also wrote that you are anti drugs yourself. I don't think you need to date someone who takes drugs if deep down that actually doesn't sit right with you. There are plenty of people who don't use drugs at all so you could probably find someone else who suits you better. 

Also you can see that he's someone who wants to have female friends/flirt with other girls. And even if he wasn't actually doing anything romantic with that girl that was turning up at his house, because she has a boyfriend he shouldn't have been having her over. So he has poor boundaries and that can definitely become a problem.

Also I've found that with people pleasers, they try to please one person but in the process they are actually hurting other people. It may not be deliberate but because they can't set boundaries and say "no", it can end up becoming an issue because you can't actually please everyone.

[Jaunty]

21 hours ago, VG2013 said:

I am training to become a child therapist and have been through a lot of abuse growing up, so I have this core belief that with social support, people are capable of tremendous positive change, but I fear this thought might keep me in bad situations sometimes, so I would like other opinions on my current situation. 

 

I agree that people are capable of tremendous positive change.  

What you need to really understand is this:  accepting unacceptable behavior because you're "wishing and hoping they'll change" is 100% not healthy.

It's a big part of co-dependent relationships.  Why people stay with drug / alcohol abusers, liars, cheaters, general abusers and just generally unsuitable or incompatible people.

Sure, guy might change and turn out to be a stellar human being.  I hope he does.  That doesn't have anything to do with you hanging in there with your hopes.  If he does come around, he will be better prepared to be a good partner with someone at that time of his life.  

For you, you need to take care of yourself and deal with the actual person who is showing up in your relationship.  

 

[sislee20]

sadly there are way to many lies for you to be aboe to get over it would always be in the back of your head. So very choice asking him to leave, You seem to have your head on right and moving in the right places, dont down grade your self for someone who is a mess. There will be someone diy that will see all the good you have to offer and would never think about lying to or braking trust. Keep doing great and your awesomme for not settleing for someone like that  

[Jibralta]

On 2/23/2023 at 3:38 PM, VG2013 said:

There is a part of me that really wants to believe in him and believe that people can and do grow (I mean, I have grown immensely and he is still only 21 years old and I am a few years older than him), but then there is also a part of me that is very scared he won't.

It's not a question of "growth;" it's a question of character.

Think about how absurd it would be if it were a question of growth. That would be like saying all children are liars until they reach a certain age. It's simply not true. Even small children know the difference between right and wrong. There are good kids and there are rotten kids. There are good adults and there are rotten adults. 

That part of you that is scared he will never change is the smart part of you. He will never outgrow lying because it's in his nature to lie. You should not trust him. Time to move on.

[catfeeder]

On 2/23/2023 at 3:38 PM, VG2013 said:

Unfortunately, he has told me a lot of lies.

Speaking only for myself, just one is enough. So how many, exactly, are you willing to tolerate?

[jacongeller]

If your boyfriend is telling you multiple lies, it's time to take a step back and evaluate your relationship. Lying is a sign of disrespect and dishonesty, and it can be a huge red flag. It's important to have an honest and open relationship with your partner, and if your boyfriend is lying to you, it's time to have a serious conversation about the trust between you two. It's also important to remember that you deserve to be treated with respect, and if your boyfriend isn't doing that, it may be time to consider ending the relationship.

[redswim30]

You're incompatible.   Break up.