VG2013 Posted February 23 Share Posted February 23 I am training to become a child therapist and have been through a lot of abuse growing up, so I have this core belief that with social support, people are capable of tremendous positive change, but I fear this thought might keep me in bad situations sometimes, so I would like other opinions on my current situation. My bf and I have been together almost a year. We started off casual for a couple months. This was a new experience for me and I had a feeling I am not someone that can sustain casual only situations due to my background and personality, but I was very lonely and touch starved after being completely isolated for almost 2 years during the pandemic, so it felt really nice to be touched. We would have deep and meaningful conversations and experiences together. Over time, we became closer and decided to enter a relationship. Unfortunately, he has told me a lot of lies. 1. We both are baristas at Starbucks right now. The first lie occurred when I called him one night to spontaneously see if he wanted to hang out. He told me that he had to get home real quick and then I could head over. When I got to his apartment, I asked how his day was and what all he did. He told me that he had just gotten back from Starbucks, which is why he asked me to wait 10 minutes before heading over. I glanced at the time and was surprised because Starbucks had closed an hour prior. My stomach tightened and I mentioned that. He fumbled with words and told me that he had actually been at a woman's apartment (I'll call her K), but was nervous because he was afraid what my reaction would be. K works with us and I always thought she seemed pleasant. I knew about their friendship and had not been bothered by it, but my bf had previously made comments like "K seems like the type of person that would cheat on her bf" and had told me that she would often complain about her bf to him and show up alone at his apartment at night when her and her bf were in conflict, so this whole scenario made me very uncomfortable. I was upset, but knew my bf had been in controlling relationships before and assured him that I would not have been mad if he had been honest. He promised not to lie anymore and I asked that he set boundaries with her and that they not spend time alone in one another's apartments anymore. He agreed. He took it a step further (which I never asked him to do) and said he would stop talking to K. I told him he didn't have to, but he insisted. 2. We had scheduled a dinner date to cook a meal together and eat. I bought all the groceries, but an hour before, my bf told me that he would actually be going to to a concert in a different city with his friend (who comes up frequently and will be known as L) and that they were leaving. 3. I knew that my bf engaged in marijuana use and LSD use. I told him that I personally do not do that and I do not agree with those activities, but that he is an adult and as an adult, it is his decision to do what he pleases. I just requested that he not hide it from me. He said he wouldn't. We lived together at this point and he told me he was going to hang out with L. They planned on drinking, so he wanted to stay the night so that he wouldn't be driving in an unsafe state. I agreed and thought nothing of it. A couple days before, he randomly started a conversation of how "mind-expanding LSD is" and the "possible scientific benefits." I shared my view, which is that there is insufficient research on it and it could be potentially dangerous (he had previously described feeling intensely depressed after the comedown). The convo ended after that. Two days before he was staying with L, I was chatting with a coworker and asked his weekend plans. He said: "Oh, well me, your bf, and L are going to do LSD on Sunday." I was in shock. Not so much by the fact that my bf was going to do LSD, but from the fact that he straight up lied. I confronted him later and he said he was going to tell me, but was very nervous about what my reaction might be and that he had tried to bring it up. He agreed to not go to L's apartment on Sunday, but the next day, kept saying he really wanted to go "just to hang out" and that he wouldn't do LSD and that he wanted me to "just trust him." He brought up that another of my close friends at work (who I know would never do LSD) would be there, so it would keep him from doing anything. We ended up having a heartfelt conversation that night and my bf apologized and said he struggles with confrontation and has a hard time accepting accountability as well as consequences that come with his actions. 4. A few weeks later, my bf wanted to go to his friends one night (the same person that he had wanted to do LSD with, so it already made me a little anxious). His cat was living with us, but had to be confined in my bedroom for his own safety, so we had previously agreed that my bf would play with his cat for 30 minutes every night to prevent him from meowing all night. I am a Zumba instructor and would be teaching Zumba the next morning. My bf promised he would be back by midnight to play with his cat, so we could sleep and I wouldn’t feel tired at Zumba. He didn’t come back until 4:00 am because he “drank too much” and knew that I would “care about his safety.” At this point, we had a serious conversation about his lying. I asked him what would make him feel safe in the relationship and what we could do to prevent him from feeling like he had to lie. We came up with solutions and agreed that the next time I found out he hid something from me without him coming forward, we would break up. 5. My bf deleted his old Snapchat and created a new one, which he added me to. He said he deleted his old one because he was trying to stop all drug use, and to do that, he said he needed to cut off unhealthy connections he had on that app. For two months, I noticed he hadn’t posted on SC, which seemed unusual for him because he previously posted almost every day, often pictures of himself in the mirror or his cat. I asked if he had any private stories. He said: “Of course I don’t. You know that I deleted my old SC account and made a new one with the people I interact with. I would have no reason to have a private story.” Something in my gut said he was lying. I asked him to show me. “Ooooh, that’s what you meant by private. I didn’t know what a private story was.” I told him that on his old account, I was included in two of his private stories, so I knew he knew what a private story was. I asked who could not see his private story. He told me I was the only one. I asked why. He said he was afraid I would judge him or think he was self-centered. He said he liked posting pictures of himself because it gave him external validation. At this point, I felt very sick. I asked if I could see his conversations. He showed them to me. I noticed he sent pictures back and forth to a female friend (D) he had known for 2 years. I asked what those were because they didn't show. He told me they were selfies and that this is how they had communicated since they first knew each other. I opened a conversation from another woman that he had not yet read. He got upset and grabbed his phone from me asking why I was doing this. I asked why the reaction and he told me that he hadn't yet read the message and didn't want it to go away. I broke up with him and asked him to move out. He said he was worried that he would go back to drugs without me. I told him that isn't my responsibility. He suggested couples therapy. I said no. Then he said: "Well, what if I told you that I have been messaging K on snapchat all this time?" I think it may have been to get a reaction, but I told him that I had a feeling he was and I wasn't bothered by him simply messaging her. Then I thought about how he had turned off notifications from snapchat and that made sense because he was hiding his communication with her. We were apart for a little over a month and ended up reconnecting. He was in individual therapy and had been abstaining from drugs. He said he was working through things in therapy and felt like it was good for him because he had been avoiding the trauma from his family and had built up unhealthy behaviors and habits from it. We kept talking over the next couple of weeks and had a lot of deep discussions regarding what happened between us. I was interested in trying again, but originally he said: "No, I think I need to do this by myself. I don't want to keep hurting you while I heal." I told him that people can heal while being in relationships, but let the topic go. The next week he brought it up and said that he wanted to try again, so we are. We will be starting couples therapy in a couple weeks in addition to individual therapy. The problem is that I don't trust him now. I can see that he is putting in a lot of effort and pushing himself to be emotionally open and apologize if he makes a mistake, but there is this voice of doubt in my head when he tells me things. I also have a fear that he might cheat on me because we don't have a foundation of trust, he slept with 7 women in the 2 years before me, and he previously relied on his female friends for emotional support because his family taught him that men don't cry or support each other. We had a deep convo on what emotional cheating is, set boundaries, and agreed to take certain actions (like, he has agreed to stop sending selfies back and forth with D), but he has lied to me before, so I am not sure that I can trust he will take these actions. There is a part of me that really wants to believe in him and believe that people can and do grow (I mean, I have grown immensely and he is still only 21 years old and I am a few years older than him), but then there is also a part of me that is very scared he won't. I am also scared because the only way I have found out that he has lied has been through other people or my own logic. That makes me think that he would not turn around and be honest even if he did lie or that he will keep lying and I just won't know (especially now that we live apart). If you made it this far, thanks for reading this whole book, and thanks for sharing any thoughts or responses you may have. Quote Link to comment
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