Impossible to read him...

[Flora]

I have been dating this guy for nearly a month and we have a great time every time. As i've posted before he isn't real open about his feelings towards me but his actions seem to indicate that he digs me. So..I am home visiting my family 6 hours away from him. Last night his band played in a city near my folks. I brought my friend a long....he knew we were coming. I thought it would be kind of fun to see him in the city, far from where we know each other. It was like an hour and a half drive from my folks. So...I have only talked toh im once since I've been visiting my family. I have called him a few other times, but got his voice mail. He is usually really good about calling me back, so when I got his voice mail I didn't assume he was blowing me off, and he later apologized for missing my calls saying that the times I called he was occupied. Whatever. So...I haven't seen him in a week and it was a really loud bar and I'm with my friend that he is meeting for the first time. It's not like he was acting super happy to see me...but he wasn't acting like he wasn't happy to see me either. He sat by us a lot during the night. I probably ignored him a lot because I was hanging out with my best friend and we haven't seen each other in a long time. I don't know ...I keep thinking that by now something obvious should be happening between us...like there shouldn't be this question as to whether or not he likes me or whats going on. At the end of the night...he said they were packing up to go home...and he put his hand on my back and kissed me on the cheek kind of quick and looked at me for a second and told me to get a hold of him tomorrow. I am terribly afraid of getting hurt, so for a while now I've been satisfied with just hanging out and being intimate and cuddly watching movies, sex...laughs. It's been great. I think I just want more now...im yearning for a confirmation of his feelings......and I don't know how to read him. I can't tell if he's shy...if he's not that interested...if I intimidate him...if i'm overanalyzing everything

I don't want to be THAT GIRL...I am hardly clingy...I give him lots of space...and I don't ask for much...I didn't even think I wanted a boyfriend. If i wasn't for his smile and his eyes...and his laugh...and everthing else about him I would have been gone by now

 

Smitten...sheesh...this wasn't supposed to happen...stupid love plhhhh

[passions1]

If you enjoy his company there maybe no need to get verbal confirmation, unless you're not sure if he maybe seeing other ladies as well. Can just go with the flow & see what happens. A routine may just start develop & so will an exculsive relationship at times. I didn't ask my bf if we were exclusive or something related to that, I just knew it.

 

However, if you can't wait & need immedidate confirmation, then perhaps the next time you get together just try to be straightforward without sounding naggy. Remember you want what is best for you & if it's an exclusive relationship, then say that you don't feel like seeing anyone else, but him & see how he reacts. Observe his responses. Do keep in mind that nobody likes to feel pressured & wants to just have fun. So try to keep it light-hearted. If he doesn't feel the same way, remember there are plenty of guys out there. Good luck!

[Falucchi]

On the other hand.. why would he need/want to say/do more?

I mean, he gets everything a man would want, without having to do much to get it.

No need to offer commitment

No need to offer "relationship"

No need to give any promises

No need to share any "emotions"

and yet....

He gets sex, cuddling, companionship, fun, laughs

He can call or not call, no one complains

He gets to be physically intimate without any emotional intimacy

He can say "call me" and doesn't even need to make a phone call

And he gets lots of space.

 

I suppose you can just tell him what you want or need or expect, and see how he reacts. He'll just have to decide it what he's been getting is worth what he's going to have to give and give-up.

It might be a surprise to him though, to suddenly change the game, as in, to make him "pay" (by giving you a "boyfriend"-commitment) for something he's been getting "free."

 

The whole flower budded (fun, sex, laughs, cuddling) but the root system (emotions, promises, commitment) didn't establish itself first.

 

Then again.......I'd be happy to be totally wrong and have him say he's really fallen for you and have everything work out perfectly! I hope so!!

[Flora]

we're "dating"...getting to know each other...all that stuff...that's the way I've been viewing it. I'm just tired of feeling like I have no idea what's going on. I don't always know if I should kiss him in public of not. I don't know if I should refer to him as my "boyfriend" ...I don't know when I'm getting too close to him, and when I should back off and just let him go...right now I'm ready to just blow him off. Last night was not a good night for he and I to really socialize. THe bar WAS REALLY LOUD, and I was totally caught up in conversation and laughs with my friend who I hadn't hung out with in a loonng time. I almost felt like I was ignoring him sometimes, but I didn't want to be "that girl" either. I am comfortable with myself for the most part and I was having a good time adn smilng...I felt good even though I was uncertain about his feelings towards me. I just hope that he gets to really see me and know me for who I am. SO that's why I'm not applying pressure for anything serious. I don't want to enter into anything too fast. What we have now is fulfiling both of our "needs" at the present moment. My hope is that he'll see who I am and love me for it. Until then all I can do is try to be myself. I've been having these anxiety attacks lately where I'll think about what I said and how he might have interpreted it and judged me based on it. Then I smack myself back into reality and say...it doesn't matter because you were being you, and that's that...if he's gonna like you he's gonna like you for you..so don't change. That's the first time in my life I've actually given myself that good of advice and actually sorta taken it. I can't Force him to fall for me...that's all up to him...so I can wait it out and see what happens or just let it go...I can't quite figure out which one yet...

[eddie500]

On the other hand.. why would he need/want to say/do more?

I mean, he gets everything a man would want, without having to do much to get it.

No need to offer commitment

No need to offer "relationship"

No need to give any promises

No need to share any "emotions"

and yet....

He gets sex, cuddling, companionship, fun, laughs

He can call or not call, no one complains

He gets to be physically intimate without any emotional intimacy

He can say "call me" and doesn't even need to make a phone call

And he gets lots of space.

 

\ so!!

 

Talk about taking all the fun away from the guy, LOL.

[Flora]

On the other hand.. why would he need/want to say/do more?

I mean, he gets everything a man would want, without having to do much to get it.

No need to offer commitment

No need to offer "relationship"

No need to give any promises

No need to share any "emotions"

and yet....

He gets sex, cuddling, companionship, fun, laughs

He can call or not call, no one complains

He gets to be physically intimate without any emotional intimacy

He can say "call me" and doesn't even need to make a phone call

And he gets lots of space.

 

\ so!!

 

Talk about taking all the fun away from the guy, LOL.

[Falucchi]

LOL no- the guy is the one who GETS all the fun.

 

It's the girls who are giving it all who end up having to wait it out and see what happens, have no idea what's going on, feel uncertain about his feelings, and then sit there figuring it's all up to him.

[Flora]

LOL no- the guy is the one who GETS all the fun.

 

It's the girls who are giving it all who end up having to wait it out and see what happens, have no idea what's going on, feel uncertain about his feelings, and then sit there figuring it's all up to him.

 

Have you considered the possibility that he maybe has a hard time expressing his feelings or is shy and uncertain but really likes me a lot? I have. I'm not freaking out about it...he is kind and caring and "acts" like a MAN. He takes me out on dates...(something my ex never did because he was always broke unemployed and never had a vehicle) He is treating me the way I truly want to be treated...He calls when he says he will, and if he misses a call he always tells me what he was doing when I called w/out me having to ask. We both just got out of serious long term relationships...so I'm sometimes unsure myself about what I want. He is not a real vocal boisterous person in general. I've already told him that I am fearful about fallin in love. I'm afraid of being hurt...etc...His response was that he has no intention on sleeping or being with other girls and also that me thinkging he is goin to hurt me is silly. I am often open about my feelings and he listens and responds lovingly. Sometimes it's like he's fishing for me to get all emotional and spill my feelings. I'll try to change the subject and he'll be like..no tell me...and I do...and his response is always affectionate, never freaked out. I'm just not getting the deep into him. He's also fulfilling his responsibilty to his ex by finishing out the lease at their place together (ends in July). I can honestly say that this doesn't bother me one bit, because in my situation my ex didn't even show me that respect...he left me holding the bag and paying all the bills on my own. I had to break my lease because I couldn't afford it. They are civil but they don't hang out or even talk except in passing. He stays there maybe once or twice a week otherwise he stays at friends or families houses. Things aren't quite stable on either end here...so falling head over heels into each others arms seems ridiculous. But at the same time...I do long for the intensity of love and the knowingness that he will always be there...that's the terrifying part.

[eddie500]

I don't get where your going with this or what exactly your trying to get at, or what exactly you would like to know. Are you wanting to know something or just expressing you current feelings.

 

Its obvious that you are in love with this guy. Becuase you are in love with this guy you want him to share his feelings... you want to be confirmed that he loves you so that you can live more comfortable.

 

I'm in a similar situation with a girl.. she is obviously very much in love with me.. and wants me to share more of my feelings. I of course am not doing it.. but I am always interested in the feelings she has in me because I'm also in love with her. So like you said if he always seems interested in your feelings.. than he probably has strong feelings for you or he would not be so interested in what you thought about him.

 

Another thing you must understand a reason why you have such intense feelings for him is partly becuase he is not so open about his true feelings. If he constantly told you how much he was in love with you needed you etc., He would not be so challanging anymore.. and you would not worry and think about him anymore.. thereforeeee you would not be so much in love with him and have these strong intense feelings.

[Flora]

Hey Eddie...for the most part I'm posting as a way to organize my feelings and thoughts, and also to get perspectives from guys like you who are kinda going through the same thing--except youre the dude.

 

When I don't get to hear from him for a couple days...I start to get nervous. Then as soon as I talk to him I'm totally sane again ...But I don't drill him....I don't smother him...In the past I would have wanted to know if I had done something wrong...or...given him the ultimatum...

 

I have never acted this way with a guy. I truly believe that it is the only way to approach this whole thing safely. I have usually always known from teh get go where it was headed...I either knew he was TOTALLY into me, or he was just kind of seeing whats out there with no real intention on getting serious. HE Is different then anyone I have ever dated in my life. Fallucci gave me some great advice before: "healthy root system philosophy" ... I really don't KNOW anyything for sure. The only thing I know is that I can trust him, he comes through on his word everytime and has never disappointed me. I'm hanging in there...I get the feeling sometimes that he is "the one"...but to really feel that completely is naive...or so I have convinced myself ( past experience)

 

I was hopeing to get a more optomistic response from falucci..instead of the notion that this guy is getting the goods, without giving up anything...

 

Eddie, you confirmed what I suspected: that his unwillingness to open up is a way to keep me interetsed. I actually appreciate it to an extent. I love that everytime I see him I get butterflies...and I'm always wondering what's next. This guy made intense eye contact with me for about 6 months before I ever even spoke to him.

[Falucchi]

"wait it out and see what happens, have no idea what's going on, feel uncertain about his feelings, and figure it's all up to him"

 

The above line was taken as a direct quote from you post. I didn't make it up- you wrote that those are/were you feelings.

 

If "his unwillingness to open up is a way to keep me interetsed" is how you like to be kept "interested" then understand this is how he plays it with you and enjoy his company, knowing this is his style.

 

Personally, I just don't see the point of contributing much to a relationship with someone who makes me feel uncertain, insecure, and nervous due to their unwillingness to share. But that's just me, and that's just my opinion. Everyone has different needs, desires, requirements, feelings, boundaries, etc.

I'm not trying to get you to consider dumping the guy or anything--

It would be GREAT if everything works out the way you want it to!

[Flora]

Yeah I panic sometimes...but I never panic to the point of calling him with a ton of questions...somtimes I say to myself I can't do this anymore, but it's mostly just fear of getting in to deep. All I can say is every other guy that has opened up to me right away fed me a lot of BS and then inevitably his actions never matched his words...so...with this one it's different...and I like it, but I'm new to it...so I'm scared..and perhaps I am falling in love...I wasn't attacking you or anythign Falucci sheesh...I just know better than to let a guy use me for all I'm worth without at least the slightest inckling that he has feelings for me that run deeper then just sex.

[eddie500]

I love that everytime I see him I get butterflies...and I'm always wondering what's next.

 

You see these are the intense feelings that most guys should strive to get a girl to have. Most guys are not able to do this and keep this going for long term if at all. But what you described is basically an intense attraction and high love level for this guy. This is exactly how every girl should feel from a guy.. why wouldn't a girl want to get butterflies in her stomach when she sees her man?

 

This stuff is actually difficult psychology to understand and doesn't make much rational sense. the girl I am with now also doesn't share much of her feelings also. She doesn't do this becuase I don't share anything with her. But when she doesn't constantly reassure me that she is in total love all the time.. it makes me guess and wonder whats next also.. and what her true feelings are for me.. It bascially puts me more in love with her.. to the point where I'm ready to give in and start talking about feelings.

 

IF your guy told you constalty that you were the only girl for him in the world, how much he loves you, how he can't be without you, talking about marriage etc, you would lose that intense love for him. Yeah you would have feelings of security and long term committment.. but lose that passion that you currently have now.

[Flora]

i think he is just as scared as me about getting involved...like he was with his ex anyway...feeling that way all over again...what it lead to in the past relationship...all that confusion/frustration/anxiet/resentment...blah blah...each situation is different. WE were joking about something the other night and I said "you think I'm crazy don't you." and he said "not yet"...so I'm like..."ah you're pessimistic aren't you" (as in with relationships) and he said..."yeah I guess I am a little" ...I said, that's cool, so am I...and we kissed and he hugged me and held me all night...that was it. This was never about being on the rebound for me. I had a crush on him for months, I was still with my ex when I first started getting those butterflies in my belly from him and his consistent eye contact. He was still with his ex (having problems) when he started checking me out. Things just kind of worked out...I was frustrated with the lack of communication taking place back when he was staring at me all the time, but I knew it..I just knew someday down the road I would have him. So I've got him...we'll see.