The hard truth

[P33]

I started a previous thread about someone I met on Christmas Day that I had a relationship with who has PTSD and her son has ADHD. Just to make things even simpler I have anxiety.

a few days ago things were fine, she was talking about what she was going to make for dinner the next day for us and that she was looking forward to seeing me early. I’m 50. That afternoon she told me her son had a meltdown (he’s 10) and that she couldn’t see me. I told her I was sorry but also I had been really looking forward to seeing her and was gutted. The next day we had a brief text conversation where she said she could probably only see me when he wasn’t around, which would be hardly ever I responded and she dropped me, after 7 weeks. We’ve since text where she was enthusiastic about us being friends but I misunderstood and wasn’t sure of the dynamics. Later she said she thought she’d made it clear to me. I’ve never contacted her since. This was 5 days ago but her sons currently on half term holidays. During the relationship I’d had considerable anxiety especially at one point as she went silent for 3 days due to her PTSD which I didn’t know or understand at the time. Regardless of the length of the relationship I’ve found this catastrophically difficult to deal with and have since had counselling and have been prescribed Valium, none of which she is aware of. I have no intention of contacting her as this has been so difficult to process. That being said I’d give anything, as you do, to spend time with her. There is the possibility that she will contact me as we had a loose arrangement even after the split for her to come round, and another possibility that this will become casual. Although I’m not sure in many ways I’ll ever hear from her again, we have joint friends who suspect she will text. I’m interested in your feedback into the entire scenario.

thankyou

[Kwothe28]

I wouldnt take "friends" or "FWB" arrangements. Its clear you like this woman and you cant be either of those if you have feelings there. 

You are jumping through hoops and inventing excuses to explain a simple fact that from some reason(doesnt really matter which one) she doesnt want to date you. And that is about it as far as relationship goes. All that is left is for you to go "no contact", accept that its over in time and move on. 

[Jaunty]

IMO when people are putting their own and their partner's (or hopeful partner's) psych diagnoses to the fore, they are probably not in a great place to start a relationship. 

In this case, you also have the kid's diagnosis to consider.

Can you try to get healthier before trying for a serious relationship?  And hope for a healthy partner, as well?

 

[lostandhurt]

Let me blunt.

It shouldn't be this hard.  She has her own issues she needs to work through BEFORE dating anyone at all. 

 With your anxiety a person like her is the last type you should get involved with. It will only lead to increased anxiety and a down turn in your own mental health.  Just look what 7 weeks has done to you already.

I think she did you a favor by breaking it off.  I know it hurts and you wish things were different so you could be together but they just aren't and will not be.

 It takes time to accept but I think you know deep down that she wasn't good for you.

Best wishes

 Lost

[MissCanuck]

This isn't going to work, OP.

Being casual or friends won't work either. It will hurt you too much and the end result will be the same. This just isn't a match. 

Focus on your healing and closing this door quietly behind you. 

[Cherylyn]

It's unhealthy to transition into friendship.  It's better to go NC (no contact).  Text her this:  "Please do not contact me anymore and thanking you in advance for respecting and honoring my request.  I wish you all the best.  Sincerely,  Your Name."  Don't explain.  Be blunt, to the point and be done with it.  Should she become relentless with electronic communication, block and delete her.  Make a clean break. Don't drag this out.  Both of you need to move on. 

[SooSad33]

On 2/19/2023 at 11:36 AM, P33 said:

During the relationship I’d had considerable anxiety especially at one point as she went silent for 3 days due to her PTSD which I didn’t know or understand at the time. Regardless of the length of the relationship I’ve found this catastrophically difficult to deal with and have since had counselling and have been prescribed Valium, none of which she is aware of. I have no intention of contacting her as this has been so difficult to process. That being said I’d give anything, as you do, to spend time with her. There is the possibility that she will contact me as we had a loose arrangement even after the split for her to come round, and another possibility that this will become casual. Although I’m not sure in many ways I’ll ever hear from her again, we have joint friends who suspect she will text.

I think ALL should end now.

Which means no 'causal', nothing! 

1) It is hard as **** to be 'friends' with an ex 😕 .  Are you okay hearing about her 'new bf'?  Is this what you really want?

2) Her PTSD- which causes her to 'distance' herself.

3) You anxiety.  If you keep this stuff up, you will not be able to work on yourself in a healthy manner.  Anxiety is awful, I know 😕 . So, the best thing to do is just be done with it all.

Inside, you know this will not work in your favour.  It was short & dramatic, right?  it left an awful taste in your mouth.  You don't want or need any of this anymore.

Focus on YOU for a while more and only consider dating again when you know you are feeling more yourself again.

[P33]

I messaged her for the final time last week as she had an operation Monday to say I hope it goes well and wasn’t anticipating updating this thread, she asked how I was and we had a brief but amusing chat. I asked, yes stupidly if she wanted to meet up again, to which I received no response, after which I deleted everything and have never spoken to her since and as far as I’m concerned won’t do. I thought good I can try to process these feelings. Sadly due to our joint friends things still get passed back and forth as they just have for the first time in a week, around peoples opinions and where as I’m struggling to deal with this my male friend is suggesting it was all just sex and I need to get my head round that, which grossly invalidates how I feel even if he’s right. Even my last text, above has just been fed back to me, did I even care or did I have another agenda she’s apparently been thinking (she was in a highly abusive and dangerous relationship). I just want it all to stop to the point I feel like switching my phone off to everyone. This is just going on and on. I’ve already decided to take 30 days to myself but now even if I mention my feelings which I’ve been desperately struggling with, only to my closest male friend it just goes backwards as he of course checks up on me. I’d like all your thoughts. Thanks

[boltnrun]

Please stop discussing her with your friends. They will (as you've found) pass what you say along to her as gossip (BTW, not very nice friends!)

I agree with taking time off from the gossipy friends. Spend time only with those you can fully trust to not feed you gossip about her.