Dating a girl I work with

[Victor93]

I am 29 I've been single for a long time. I'll be 30 next month. (most people say I look 24 or 25) I've really just keep to myself never dated. (Had crushes but never pursued them) I work in a restaurant and there is always people coming and going. Since October 2022 There has been this hostess working in the restaurant. She serves sometimes. I work in the dish pit for lunch, until 3 days ago. I've never talked to this girl. I'll call her Cara so its easier to follow (that's not here name though) lol. So Cara has never talked to me really,I did ask her what her name was when she first started because of the new hires stick around I want to know who I'm working with. Earlier this week when I was putting away dishes in the kitchen I noticed Cara from the corner of my eye standing by the expo line just fidgeting pretending to be busy. At the same time she's also looking at me. I go back to the dish pit thinking that's different. Cara then comes up to me and asks me If I work every day at the restaurant and if I have a second job I tell Cara not every day and I do have a second job (cleaning a post office in my town) I then ask Cara if she works another job and she tells me just here. Then the following day Cara comes in later in the morning and comes up to me calling me by name and asking if I have any silverware for her. (sorting the silverware for customers is one of the hostesses duties) I tell here no I don't and Cara says she'll get some from the bar and shes so friendly about it and smiling. I thought it was different because when the other host girls need silverware they don't say a word to me just look at the rack and walk away and if I can't get to it its because I'm busy. So after we talk and she goes back up front one the cooks says leave her alone shes 18 in a not serious way. I say dude I'm not a mind reader. Today also Cara was giving me compliments about bringing back the dirty dishes from the bar and she asked for my help today with finding a certain food in the walk in cooler. I would like to get to know her more I feel like she's interested. It was crazy busy today too so I couldn't really ask her what her hobbies are outside of work and that perhaps we could get coffee, lunch or dinner. I would appreciate some advice I do realize the  age gap but we are both adults and it's not a shock to me really because I do know a couple where the wife is 13 years older then her husband but that's marriage. Wish me the best folks.

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, Victor93 said:

I do realize the  age gap but we are both adults

You are, but understand that you might be at very different points in your lives. She's barely out of highschool and just dipping her toes into adult life. You've been there for a while. You're both legal, of course, but be aware that an age gap can present other challenges. 

Having said that, you could ask her for a coffee. I wouldn't suggest lunch or dinner yet. See if she's even open to meeting outside work in a low-pressure, casual setting and then take it from there. 

You also need to prepare yourself for how to deal if she says no. You will still have to see her at work. Then same goes in the event that you go out a couple times and then things fizzle, for example. Would you still be alright work with her? 

[kctiger]

Age gap dating is a challenge for experienced daters, let alone someone in your shoes who hasn’t had much experience in dating. There are different levels of age gaps, where mentally there isn’t much of a difference and the two share similar interests. She isn’t even old enough to grab a drink at a bar. You’re 30 and she’s 18. That’s an extreme difference in life stages. Is she going off to college? I assume this job isn’t her career. 

There’s nothing wrong with asking her out. Be prepared for rejection, but honestly you need to get used to that anyway. Happens to the best of us and you can’t get a date unless you actually TRY to get a date. If she turns you down, don’t make it awkward, just keep it cool and move forward. Don’t know unless you try. Just do your best not to make her uncomfortable, especially because you work together. 

But keep your expectations very low. There may be external forces at play here, like her parents, who may not feel comfy with their teenage daughter dating a 30 year old, regardless of how young you look. Simply said, there is a lot that can go against you two trying to make this work, so be prepared. But one step at at time, ask her out. I cannot overstate this, but no matter how physically attractive someone is, it eventually isn’t enough to sustain a relationship if you two simply aren’t compatible on an emotional level. Us men often times are enamored with younger women, but then we date them for a short period and quickly realize it isn’t going to work. Good luck!

[Victor93]

Thank you both for the advice, I've been rejected a few times in the past in recent years, but it's apart of life. I won't know until I ask Cara though.  I realize I've been through a lot more then Cara, having lost both my foster parents when I was 18 and taking some college over the years. Working different jobs as well.(still figuring out what I want for a career)  I was actually thinking perhaps getting a few co workers together for dinner and inviting her, that way it would be more social and comfortable  time and go from there? I will say it's different having a girl give you compliments and taking the time to chat with me, It's nice though 🙂 I will also mention when I was leaving work earlier this week I walk by the hostess stand to the exit door and I said by girls see you later, and Cara was there they said by but as I am walking by I hear Cara say to the other girl I'm not going to ask him out, I feel I Shouldn't. Now I'm probably over thinking and I'm not sure if she was talking about me or not but she said that as I was literally walking by. It's been my weekend so I am sure I'll see Cara tomorrow and ask her.

[Coily]

Good for you for trying. Sure age gaps have challenges. But at the same time neither of you are jaded about the dating world. While at different stages of life, you may be in the same stages of dating.

Chin up, may your positive experiences be on the increase.

[lostandhurt]

Victor,

My best advice is do it sooner than later.  The longer you wait the harder it will get.  Be brave and the right time will present itself.  She has already made a point to come up to you a few times so now it is your turn.

 For now leave the age thing out of all this and just ask her if she would like to grab some coffee and get to know each other better.  Keep it simple but have an idea where you want to have coffee.

 If she says yes your age will come up sooner or later and SHE can decide if it is a big deal to her or not. You never know until you try.

Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

 Lost

[smackie9]

I think it's a good match since you both don't have a lot in dating experience.

[Victor93]

Hi  everyone! Thank you so much for all your advice. To fill you all on what happened today. So I was keeping an eye out for Cara when the servers and hostesses came into work later in the morning. To my surprise Cara came right up to me when I saw her go by to the silverware racks and she was talking to me about one of the other servers birthday coming up this Saturday, Jaclyn  is best friends with Cara. Cara was telling  her Jaclyn, another girl Grace and Jaclyn's boyfriend are all going out to eat friday night for her birthday. So I decided right then and there to ask Cara if she wants to hangout sometime and I immediately suggested we get a small group of people to go and Cara said yes her Grace and then I suggested Jaclyn and her boyfriend also go. ( That way Cara is more comfortable around me  and that way she feels relaxed among friends. I do know the others we all work together. Then Cara said well I've got to go work on sorting the silverware and I told her I'll see you later. She was smiling when we were talking and I just felt happy and I wasn't nervous asking her. Then I was thinking I should ask Cara her number soon. (even though we have a work app with everyone number) I feel its important to ask for her permission first. On my way out of work I walk by the hostess stand and thought if Cara is there I'll ask her for her number but one of the general managers and her sister were at the hostess stand as I walked by and decided I'll Cara another time. I said by to the girls and made sure I made eye contact with Cara, she was looking at me and smiling also. So I will say I'm excited to get to know her and the others also. Although I do know Jaclyn like game of thrones because back when House of the Dragon first came out everyone at work was talking about it (which I loved) lol Organically I wasn't sure how long I would be at this restaurant, the work is laboring but the people are good and I've made friends these past 2 years and the restaurant has been good to me with raises which is  a blessing to me, and I just get to work mornings early 6:30-7am until about 3pm. Thank you again for the advice and perhaps I can keep you all updated once we all have dinner 🙂

[Cherylyn]

You're almost 30 and she's 18.  Just be prepared because the maturity level is not the same with a 13 year difference.  You're a full fledged adult whereas she still a teenager.  Remain realistic and mindful with your actions and non-actions. 

Usually, people date each other within the same age bracket for obvious reasons.

[lostandhurt]

In this situation where you suggested hanging out give her your number.  Write it down with your name on a small piece of paper and give it to her. 

"Here is my number, text/call me when you get a chance so we can figure out a good day to hang out"

 Then she can decide to contact you and you will then have her number.

Lost

[Victor93]

Okay thank you. I should have done that yesterday when I brought it up to Cara. I'm sure she is aware of the of the app with everyone number still I want to be respectful so when I see her later this week I'll give her my number then. Cara is very excited about having dinner with her friend Jaclyn  Friday night for her birthday who is also my co worker and that just makes me smile to see someone I know be happy 🙂

[boltnrun]

If you want to date her please do not suggest "hanging out" next time. Ask her for an actual date. 

[Victor93]

Hey everyone, Just wanted to update you all and find out where I stand. So Cara has been out of town for almost 2 weeks to a convention with her mother in new york as shes going to school for a esthetician, although I did notice when I said her name she didn't respond but it was bit noisy in the kitchen today so maybe she didn't hear me at first, but other times today I did ask her how her trip in new york was and when I asked her about the convention and what it was about she lit up and was passionate about it and said she went shopping. She still has my number but hasn't texted which shes been out of town and studying for school I am sure. While she was gone though I asked a few other co workers who know Grace, Jaclyn and her boyfriend about planning the dinner and hanging out sometime go see a movie after. They are all for it. I can tell Grace especially. There is a elderly woman at the restaurant who thinks  of me like a second  son lol. She told me today she noticed that Cara was sitting by herself after the server side duties were all done. The elderly woman also told me she asked Cara how her trip in New york was and Cara told the woman oh it was fun with my mom we went shopping (Usually everyone sits at the bar before we open for 20 minutes) wish I could lol and when I was talking to cara a bit later in the day it was busy and a quiet not so social manager had come beside to put a plate at the dishpit. Cara said I am just busy at the moment with work but I'll come back later and I said of course it's okay and it was just busy for the rest of the afternoon until I left.

I don't think it was the right time because it was so busy but her vibes I am getting is that she may not want to go to dinner. I could tell when I first asked she was a little hesitant that's why I suggested a group dinner plus it would be nice to get to know a few of my other co workers.

So perhaps one day next week when its slower except for Saturday lol should I ask Cara hey are you okay with going out to dinner in the next week on a monday night (restaurant is closed so everyone is off work) also should I be so straight forward I enjoy talking to you and the others here at work so why not we all hangout over dinner. I do talk to the others here and there. I wouldn't want to have dinner with my other co workers and not include Cara even though I feel like shes not interested I know I am really overthinking this. I will ask her anyways next week just wondering if she says I am busy with school should I not include her in social gatherings? I am just starting to think perhaps she was just flirting. My gut is telling me otherwise, like I am having doubts. I have friends I have known for 10 years since and they tell me that I am light to them and can be to others. I will also say those who I want to be in my life who are in my daily life usually work, past jobs and current I seem to care about more I wonder how they are doing, what their hobbies are, do they have family. So I ask questions and ask to hangout some of said yes or others were just in my life for a season. I would like to get to know Cara more along with her friends So I am thinking I'll say if she wants to join for dinner on a monday in the next week because it would be nice to hangout get to know everyone and that I do enjoy chatting with everyone when we can, sound ok to say? Not even sure we would date or not. Shes shy and busy with school. Thank you all for your support.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Victor93 said:

She still has my number but hasn't texted which shes been out of town and studying for school I am sure

She does not seem interested in dating you. She's not texting you because she doesn't want to and doesn't want to lead you on.  Nothing to do with shy or busy.  I dated a shy really busy guy in 1994 -one of a number of shy busy guys - he went to Germany on business for a week.  No cell phones back then.  No internet.  He called me long distance to my landline the Friday evening -my time- he was away - not even knowing if I'd pick up because he wanted to make sure to stay in touch.  We were only dating a couple of months and going out once a week.   I'm sorry but I'd stop focusing on her in this way.  Waste of time and stopping you from seeking out other opportunities..

[Victor93]

Okay that's what I am thinking so would it be ok to just set up dinner with my other co workers and not include Cara? seeing that I feel like shes not interested?

[Batya33]

Just now, Victor93 said:

Okay that's what I am thinking so would it be ok to just set up dinner with my other co workers and not include Cara? seeing that I feel like shes not interested?

It's fine if typically she'd be invited with this group to include her -especially if you'd affirmatively be excluding her.  It sounds like this would be unusual to include her so I wouldn't.  Then you'll get your hopes up if she says yes and not have as good a time as with your other coworkers.  

[Victor93]

My co workers are friends with Cara too. It wouldn't make her upset if I didn't at  least ask her? I mean it may but that is not on me if she does get a little mad which I don't think she would see anything directly to me but if she did I would say I am sorry but I was getting vibes from you that you didn't want me to really talk to you even though I wanted to get to know you and sorry if it seemed like i was asking you out on a date directly. It may get back to her if I didn't ask her at least? Jaclyn and Cara are BFFs from what Cara told me and Jaclyn and I do talk about game of thrones and house of the dragon ( she just watched it in the fall) and it was nice to have a co worker to be all nerdy about that. Thankfully I have other co workers a couple my age Tom and Madison I asked them to dinner and hangout after and they said they would love to and we will plan a day soon. Then there is Casey and Sara their birthdays are this month along with mine so I suggested to them both we all go out to dinner.  They said yes and we all love wine 🙂 (  I like dinner outings more then lunches because I feel like people have more time in the evenings to socialize vs mid day when could still be busy.  I realize not everyone i come across who I'd like be in my life does not feel the same which is sad to me but that's life

[Lambert]

 I would probably still invite her out with the group.  Just recognize she may not want to date you.  So you're doing it to be polite and don't have any expectations.  If it turns out differently, in time, then great. but I would not do anything to make things awkward.  Like asking her when she can make it. 

Instead, make the plans when everyone else is make it and then invite her when it's set.  A simple hey, we're all going on this day, at this time--If you're free, you should join us. That way, if she doesn't come-- so what.  You are out with friends and it's her loss.  

Start dating other people.  

[catfeeder]

I got lost in the details. What has she said or done that tells you she's not interested?

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Victor93 said:

She still has my number but hasn't texted

This suggests she is not interested the way you are. If she were, she would have found a reason to send you a message by now. 

It is okay to invite her to join the group if you are planning an evening, but understand that she likely doesn't have a romantic interest in you. 

[Victor93]

The more I look back on it I think as I said already I think Cara was just being flirty with complimenting me.and randomly talking to me out of nowhere. I wish I wasn’t so quick to give her my number.  😕 knowing it would be a waste. I’m not going to pursue her anymore just say hi in passing no conversations on how she is. (I have conversations with people I like not always romantic because I like them as a person and want to get to know them but don’t toy with me. Talk to me for a bit then seem like I’m bugging you. I just find it wrong. I really felt like she was ignoring me when I said hi and said her name she knew I was right there. My other co workers who also are her friends I seem to get along with much easily. So I’ll still invite her  but if she don’t show oh well.

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, Victor93 said:

She still has my number but hasn't texted which shes been out of town and studying for school I am sure.

Did she not texted you first or you texted her and she didnt respond?

Dont think she would text you out of nowhere and you will maybe have to take some initiative first.

Anyway, I think its OK to organize something with coworkers and to even include her. But as far as romantic interests goes, I dont see anything that would suggest that from her side.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Victor93 said:

I’m not going to pursue her anymore just say hi in passing no conversations on how she is. (I have conversations with people I like not always romantic because I like them as a person and want to get to know them but don’t toy with me. Talk to me for a bit then seem like I’m bugging you. I just find it wrong. I really felt like she was ignoring me when I said hi and said her name she knew I was right there. My other co workers who also are her friends I seem to get along with much easily. So I’ll still invite her  but if she don’t show oh well.

She didn't toy with you.  She's your coworker so she probably didn't want to say no to taking your number -it's awkward. You interpreted what she was doing as flirting and perhaps that's the way she is friendly. I was once asked out because of that misunderstanding even though I'd mentioned my boyfriend. I wasn't flirting.  She's allowed to change her mind. Yes it's fine to invite her of course just don't get your hopes up. 

[Victor93]

Hey everyone. So on Tuesday this week I saw Cara come into work and later in the morning I did ask her about having dinner with her and my other co workers, and to my surprise she told me that she was talking about dinner with the others the day before and she said she heard my birthday was coming up and asked what day and I told Cara March 29th. She then asked what restaurant do I like and I said I like anything and then asked her if she has a favorite one she likes we can go to. She smiled and said I'm fine with anything. I chuckled and said okay Plaza Azteca then so we are all going this Monday night. She then told me to message her on the work app so we can plan a time. I then said well that's why I gave you my number and she told me that she lost it and that her phone messes up at times. I said ok I'll message you on the work app. I thought about later that evening and I think it's a matter of trust if I had her number. Cara then came up to me a bit later and said that now other people were going, another co worker who I don't know at all who is Jaclyns boyfriends cousin. I said okay, so I originally I thought It was just going to be me Cara, Grace Jaclyn and her boyfriend.  I saw Grace later that morning too and said so we are going to Plaza this monday night and apparently a lot of other people are going. Grace said Cara has been planning it. I was surprised. I will say I'm a bit curious what Cara, Grace and Jaclyn and her boyfriend talked about me when planning the dinner seeing that I wasn't included int the group discussion. I wonder at this point does Cara know I like her and is just taking things slowly? I will say when I was talking to another cook that morning I noticed both Cara and Grace were looking at me when I was talking to the cook (corner of my eye) lol perhaps I should start making eye contact and smile when I see her looking at me at times. Cara came up again to me at the dishpit and said do you want the other people to go to the dinner? I said I mean it's okay but I just thought it was going to be us 5 for dinner. Cara then said it will be just us 5. She had mentioned 2 other people who I just don't talk to or know. I like small group settings. I didn't tell her that though. I don't know Cara very well yet but I thought it was very kind of her to think about me and asking if it was ok to have other people go to the dinner. She also doesn't know that earlier Tuesday morning I was at the hospital at 2am because I found out my brother got checked in earlier that night was texting me a lot so I was worried and went down there at 2am to find out what was going on and check on him.  So I was very tired Tuesday at work and just stayed quiet and worked so When Cara came in later that morning and I asked her about dinner this Monday and she told that her and the others were talking about and when I set a day she said yes. That really cheered me up and I am wondering whether or not I should thank her for wanting to have dinner with me because my brother went in the hospital the night before and she cheered me up. Should I tell her that?  Life is so short.  I also thought this was just going to be a casual dinner, instead in seems to me that it will be my birthday celebration which I was not expecting, I've never been one to be the center of attention, I did tell a few other co workers about my birthday because they asked and other people in the restaurant want to celebrate me but I did not tell Cara and I guess word got to her about my birthday this month.

[Batya33]

Oh how lovely that she is interested in planning and being at a bday dinner for you! Just enjoy it IMO.