Three months since the breakup, is reconciliation out of the question?

[Dustman]

I feel a little afraid of hopping on here, but I feel like this place might have some good insight.

I (m29) was dumped by my ex (f25) back in November. We had dated for about two years, albeit the first few months of our courtship was mostly virtual due to covid. Our first year together was great, but them 2022 rolled around. 

We weathered some initial hardships regarding work and mental health. Around my birthday in the spring, we had a very tense weekend and didn't talk for a week until I apologized. We made up and had a great summer. However, once September rolled around,  we began to have issues. She did become more annoyed by my anxiety and attention disorder and it's related effects and was worried she was "mothering me" too much or doing too much emotional labor. She also wanted more space for herself. I will fully admit I think I do have some abandonment issues which ties into anxiety. She also got a stressful new job and was dealing with her own mental and physical health issues that I won't go into here out of respect for her. We had a very stressful 2nd anniversary vacation and Halloween. After she got back from therapy on Halloween, she told me I met all of her needs, but we were in a rough spot and needed some space after a business trip. A week later, she broke up with me over the phone citing lost feelings and needing to focus on things that i didn't figure into. I did cry and beg, but let her go. I reached out a month later to exchange our things and asked if she wanted to talk. She told me she wasn't ready and would leave a letter. I declined the letter with "we don't need to talk, save the letter, please return my things" because i was afraid the letter would raise more questions than answers, that i wouldn't be able to say my piece and that it might be designed to hurt me. My key was in the remnants of the envelope. We haven't had that contact since December. She still has me on all her socials, but has taken down her photos of me and took me off Snapchat. 

I don't think there's any villains here, but I'm afraid I made so many mistakes in the breakup (begging and pleading, forgetting to give back her bath supplies from my place, taking down her photos a week after the breakup, attempting to date early enough after the breakup when I still have feelings for her still and rejecting the letter). I've been trying to get back in thr groove and it varies day by day. I've made some changes to my life for the better (decided to be sober and I'm now medicated for my anxiety) and I'm continuing to try to better myself.  I know breakups are usually permanent, but did I ruin my chances for reconciliation? Is it worth reaching out to apologize about not taking the letter and my mistakes during the relationship? I really loved this woman and wanted to try and mend things before she dumped me. Is this a fool's errand? It's been months since we've even spoken to each other. Outside of our own struggles, there was no infidelity or abuse in our relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Dustman said:

. I've made some changes to my life for the better (decided to be sober and I'm now medicated for my anxiety) and I'm continuing to try to better myself.

Sorry this happened. It's great you are taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. That's the best place to start.

Although breakups hurt, try to remain no contact so you can focus on your health. Contacting her could stir up unwanted feelings and anxiety.

She seems to have her own issues, so perhaps in the long run, you're not suited for each other.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @Wiseman2.  Both of you are incompatible.  I vote 'no.' 

[MissCanuck]

On 2/10/2023 at 9:43 PM, Dustman said:

  I know breakups are usually permanent, but did I ruin my chances for reconciliation?

It doesn't appear reconciliation was an option, so there really wasn't a chance to ruin. 

It hurts but it wasn't your behaviour during the break-up that made a difference to the outcome. It was the fact that she had already lost feelings and knew this wasn't working for her anymore. It seems it was an accumulation of problems over a longer period, so how you reacted to being dumped really didn't make any difference in the end. This is why you refusing to accept the letter is irrelevant. It was merely an alternative she offered because she didn't want to meet face-to-face. 

I would therefore keep the focus on moving on, and putting this relationship firmly behind you. Think of how you will feel if you reach out and don't get a response, or get a polite but firm "no, thank you." That's what you would need to brace yourself for, becuase it appears as though her mind was already made up months ago. I'm sorry. 

[catfeeder]

I don't think anything you did or didn't do post breakup had any influence on the outcome. It sounds as though your ex got exhausted during your relationship and lost her desire to continue it.

That's not something you could have changed at that point or at any point beyond it. Once a person fatigues out of a relationship, it's not something they want to put any more work into saving.