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Have I dodged a bullet?


BliSta

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It's all over now, but I'd like your take on it. Man (33) ends things with me (woman, 33). We only dated for a couple of months and I was away for one of the two, so I'll let you imagine how deeply we got to know each other... In short, he ended things saying that he liked me, but the idea of continuing made him feel pressure inside. Regardless of this (very suspicious) reason, I was going through some things that happened during our "dating experience" (wouldn't know what else to call it) and asked myself whether I should have spotted some red flags earlier:

1. The first time we slept together, he didn't make any effort to use protection and when I mentioned condoms he just nodded and proceeded without getting one and eventually I was too involved and I just went along.

2. Still during that first time, he "finished" inside me. He had asked for my permission, to which I replied "yes", as I had misunderstood his words (for the record, I took all the necessary steps and did all the tests and luckily it's all fine). This one might have been a genuine mistake, but he could have been more careful anyway.

3. During the month I was away, he wanted to start sexting, but acted very apologetic after having asked me to make him horny. The following day though, he went crazy with it and kept me up for 3 hours at night for an entire week, going on and on, and sometimes even calling me names (I'll let you imagine).

I guess I was blinded by the good parts of him (might seem unlikely, but he had some nice qualities too). What do you think?

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29 minutes ago, BliSta said:

,he didn't make any effort to use protection. kept me up for 3 hours at night for an entire week, going on and on, and sometimes even calling me names)

Yes you dodged a bullet. He's seems a bit like a lunatic. Delete and block him. If someone wants high risk sex or goes on abusive rants, just run.

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Why are you letting strangers do bareback sex and coming inside you? Sometimes we need to ask ourselves why we do the actions we do. Despite clear signs the other person isnt good for us. Yes, you dodged the bullet there. Couple of times if you include STDs or a possible pregnancy into account.

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I carry condoms. That way if I insist on them and he says he doesn't have any I just hand one to him.

STDs and infections don't care if you're in the moment or whatever. It would be a shame to contract a lifelong condition because some dude is selfish. 

I'm glad you're not going to see him anymore. He wasn't a keeper. 

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7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I carry condoms. That way if I insist on them and he says he doesn't have any I just hand one to him.

STDs and infections don't care if you're in the moment or whatever. It would be a shame to contract a lifelong condition because some dude is selfish. 

I'm glad you're not going to see him anymore. He wasn't a keeper. 

I usually do that too. That time happened quite unexpected. But, honestly, apart from another horrible guy, all the other guys I've been with, have always had and used them. 

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37 minutes ago, BliSta said:

I'm trying to figure out why I was so blind to all those things and I'm quite concerned.

Because you're young and your youth and your life's experiences teaches you what to do and what not to do.  Everyone was naive once upon a time.  Then when you learn some harsh lessons the hard way, you'll know how to make wise decisions regarding how to navigate your life and various situations.  You learn how to deal with people.  You become more discriminatory which is for your benefit and survival.  

One day, you'll say to yourself:  "I was blind but now I see."  The light turns on in your brain.  In other words, you'll become wiser. 

Protect yourself in all ways ALWAYS.  Never allow people to use you.  Never be their doormat.  Be smart.

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41 minutes ago, BliSta said:

I'm trying to figure out why I was so blind to all those things and I'm quite concerned.

Because people move towards pleasure and away from pain and you chose the pleasure of the sexual attraction and fun and chemistry and instant gratification over the harder part of asking yourself tough questions and thinking of the risks and long term conseqences.  You weren't blind -you chose to ignore the flags.

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39 minutes ago, BliSta said:

I usually do that too. That time happened quite unexpected. But, honestly, apart from another horrible guy, all the other guys I've been with, have always had and used them. 

But it wasn't unexpected -you saw he didn't have one, you saw he didn't put one on and you chose to go along with it. Be a person who takes responsibility for her choices.  I'm so glad you're ok.

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But it wasn't unexpected -you saw he didn't have one, you saw he didn't put one on and you chose to go along with it. Be a person who takes responsibility for her choices.  I'm so glad you're ok.

Oh yeah, I recognise that, I meant that I wasn't sure if we were going to be sleeping together that night and didn't think of bringing condoms. I know, that was silly of me anyway.

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1 hour ago, BliSta said:

Oh yeah, I recognise that, I meant that I wasn't sure if we were going to be sleeping together that night and didn't think of bringing condoms. I know, that was silly of me anyway.

That's not the issue. If you forget to bring condoms and your sex partner does not have condoms do not have sexual intercourse.  It has nothing to do with whether you know in advance and/or forget to bring condoms.  You simply choose to abstain despite desiring the short term instant gratification of sexual intercourse. 

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13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That's not the issue. If you forget to bring condoms and your sex partner does not have condoms do not have sexual intercourse.  It has nothing to do with whether you know in advance and/or forget to bring condoms.  You simply choose to abstain despite desiring the short term instant gratification of sexual intercourse. 

Yeah, the problem is I couldn't do it.

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Do you not feel you can do better? 

This might be why you went along with some incredibly risky (frankly, dangerous) behaviour, and stuck around when you saw what he was all about. Havr you been lonely lately? Craving company or affection? 

Be sure to never drop your standards like this again. And do get some follow-up health checks in a few months' time. Some STI or HIV can take a while to show up. 

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10 hours ago, BliSta said:

Yeah, the problem is I couldn't do it.

Then he raped you - do you mean you couldn't because he forced you to have sex or forced you without a condom?? What do you mean you couldn't choose to abstain from intercourse rather than risk pregnancy and your health?? If you mean you chose intercourse without a condom that is a problem - for the sake of your health figure out in advance how you are going to prevent making such a dangerous and risky decision again - maybe it means staying sober/always having a condom/not going to a private place unless you've checked and double checked you have protection  And as you know condoms can break so they're not foolproof.

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12 hours ago, BliSta said:

. I know, that was silly of me anyway.

Don't beat yourself up.  And certainly do not accuse someone of date rape. It's over and done with. Just get follow up testing for STDs. You had a lapse in judgement, but you left so all you can do is screen better and run faster from red flags in the future.

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8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Do you not feel you can do better? 

This might be why you went along with some incredibly risky (frankly, dangerous) behaviour, and stuck around when you saw what he was all about. Havr you been lonely lately? Craving company or affection? 

Be sure to never drop your standards like this again. And do get some follow-up health checks in a few months' time. Some STI or HIV can take a while to show up. 

Unfortunately yeah, I was in a (healthy) longterm relationship since I was 19 through late 20s, then I had a very bad (almost toxic) situationship with a guy for 3 years. Put an end to it last year in January, so it's one exact year now. Took me a while to get over it, but I did and I started online dating in April and luckily I've met respectful people in that sense so far (just never worked out for other reasons). The first big red flag was this one.

I have been feeling lonely (in all honesty, since my longterm relationship) and I really want to find someone nice, to build a relationship with and maybe start a family, so I'm guessing I was just looking at the positive things. And there were some. He acted horribly in that sense, true, but in other aspects he was great, I can't deny it. He was present, phoned me a lot, wanted to know about me, my life, listened to me, he seemed genuinely interested in me and not just my body. And even after that "accident" he was very apologetic (although it took him one month to realise that STIs are a problem too and not just unwanted pregnancies...). It didn't seem like he wanted to screw me over. He didn't act like the classic "player".

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4 minutes ago, BliSta said:

 It didn't seem like he wanted to screw me over. He didn't act like the classic "player".

These situations are like riptides. Things look calm on the surface until you're in it and get sucked in by the undertow.

Brush it off and slow down and regroup so you can find someone who wants what you want.

All you need to do is observe red flags and cut your losses sooner.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Then he raped you - do you mean you couldn't because he forced you to have sex or forced you without a condom?? What do you mean you couldn't choose to abstain from intercourse rather than risk pregnancy and your health?? If you mean you chose intercourse without a condom that is a problem - for the sake of your health figure out in advance how you are going to prevent making such a dangerous and risky decision again - maybe it means staying sober/always having a condom/not going to a private place unless you've checked and double checked you have protection  And as you know condoms can break so they're not foolproof.

I think he kind of manipulated me into sleeping with him with no protection. Don't know if you can call that rape, maybe. I do know that I did want to sleep with him, so guess it's a fine line.

I have to admit that I was foolish, yeah, and I knew what I was doing and did it anyway cause I didn't have the courage to stop him and remind him a second time to get a condom. So I went along. And it's very very dangerous, I agree. 

But I was more concerned about the fact that even afterwards I didn't seem to consider it a big problem (at the time). Don't get me wrong, I thought about it a lot, but decided that I would give him the benefit of the doubt since he was great in other aspects. Now I realise I shouldn't have done that. 

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38 minutes ago, BliSta said:

I think he kind of manipulated me into sleeping with him with no protection. Don't know if you can call that rape, maybe. I do know that I did want to sleep with him, so guess it's a fine line.

I have to admit that I was foolish, yeah, and I knew what I was doing and did it anyway cause I didn't have the courage to stop him and remind him a second time to get a condom. So I went along. And it's very very dangerous, I agree. 

But I was more concerned about the fact that even afterwards I didn't seem to consider it a big problem (at the time). Don't get me wrong, I thought about it a lot, but decided that I would give him the benefit of the doubt since he was great in other aspects. Now I realise I shouldn't have done that. 

So if he lied and entered you without a condom and promised he was wearing one then that might be assault -or worse- so if you're stating this then surely you're going to report him right -would you want another woman to go through this horrific experience?

If not then to me it's best you take 100% responsibility for your safety and protection and if you believe you're not "strong" enough to assert yourself and say no to a dangerous situation perhaps choose to date as much as you like and not have sex until you're serious after months of dating and exclusive and you know him really well -then the risks are so greatly decreased. 

There's no reason you have to have sex when you date casually.  I didn't.  I didn't have casual sex and I had a great time dating and being romantic and passionate and affectionate and reserved intercourse -with one exception I regretted (exclusive but not yet in love) - for being in love, committed, real potential for marriage and months of dating.  And we were sexual before that and passionate and full of desire with healthy sex drives and I chose for both heart and emotional reasons and health and pregnancy risk reasons to wait to have intercourse. 

That might not be for you but if you are not a person who's able to keep herself out of really dangerous situations perhaps consider doing that till you are strong enough to say no.  Blaming others if it was your "fine line" choice isn't going to help you grow or stay safe.

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10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So if he lied and entered you without a condom and promised he was wearing one then that might be assault -or worse- so if you're stating this then surely you're going to report him right -would you want another woman to go through this horrific experience?

If not then to me it's best you take 100% responsibility for your safety and protection and if you believe you're not "strong" enough to assert yourself and say no to a dangerous situation perhaps choose to date as much as you like and not have sex until you're serious after months of dating and exclusive and you know him really well -then the risks are so greatly decreased. 

There's no reason you have to have sex when you date casually.  I didn't.  I didn't have casual sex and I had a great time dating and being romantic and passionate and affectionate and reserved intercourse -with one exception I regretted (exclusive but not yet in love) - for being in love, committed, real potential for marriage and months of dating.  And we were sexual before that and passionate and full of desire with healthy sex drives and I chose for both heart and emotional reasons and health and pregnancy risk reasons to wait to have intercourse. 

That might not be for you but if you are not a person who's able to keep herself out of really dangerous situations perhaps consider doing that till you are strong enough to say no.  Blaming others if it was your "fine line" choice isn't going to help you grow or stay safe.

No, it wasn't that. He didn't mention a condom, I asked him if he had one. He said "yes", but continued kissing me without getting one. I was going to ask him again, but I was too weak to do it, and went along with it and did it with no protection. I'm not blaming him, I'm saying that it clearly wasn't a problem for him. It was for me, but I wasn't strong enough to say something. So your suggestions are right and very sensible. It's not that easy though. 

I blame him for being irresponsible, that's the only thing. The rest is on me, but even if I had forced him to wear one, and he eventually had, would I really want to be with someone that is not worried about that?

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