Is he prolonging our “break up”?

[darkkraven06]

I put break up in quotes because we weren’t officially a couple. A few months ago I started seeing this guy I met from a dating app. In the beginning he was super into me, but I ended up sleeping with him on the second date and after that he didn’t seem as interested. I was always the one reaching out and planning things. We have a large age difference. I am 25 and he is 42. Usually I don’t go out with older men, but we got along, and we had many things in common so I figured why not give it a go. 

So after the second “date” the red flags began. He would obsessively update his dating profile, and he would always do it right after we hung out, almost like clockwork. Then he started lying about little things like for example, to make small talk when we were together, I would ask what he did over the weekend. He would blatantly lie to my face about what he did/where he was. I knew he was lying because of social media. At this point, I didn’t really care as I noticed all the red flags and was only seeing him 2x a month so I wasn’t getting emotionally invested in this person. He also was extremely emotionally unavailable, never opened up to me or wanted to genuinely get to know me. Never complimented me. All of our “dates” consisted of getting food and then going to his place and hooking up. So it was definitely more of a hookup situation, and he was using me. 

A few weeks ago I reached out asking if he wanted to see me and he said he did, and that he would let me know. Well he never did. A week goes by and he texts me out of the blue saying sorry, he was “super busy” with work and that he wanted to return a book to me that I lent him. So I texted back telling him to just leave the book on his porch and I would pick it up. Another week passes with no response. I’m being totally ignored at this point. I’m confused and irritated. Yesterday he finally texted me back saying “Hi! Sorry for the lapse. Been really busy with work. Honestly I don’t have time for anything romantic btw. But I’ll definitely give you your book back.” 

I again text back telling him to leave it on his porch ( I live in a gated apartment community so he wouldn’t be able to easily drop it off at my place ) and tell him it’s fine about the “no time for romance” excuse and yet again, no response. I feel stupid that I stuck around this guy after all of the red flags, and I feel like he is still playing me like a fiddle with mind games even when he’s ending it. I don’t care about the book that much,  but his behavior is confusing. I’m sure he found another girl, but why ignore my texts and be so uncommunicative when the texts are about simple things? He could have left it on his porch 3 weeks ago and this could have been over but I feel like he is prolonging it. I feel like I should get my book back but at the same time I don’t want to disrespect myself anymore. 

[kctiger]

Obviously he got what he came for on the 2nd date and was done. I would just forget the book unless it's the 1st version of the Bible or something extremely valuable. Not worth your energy or time to continue to pursue getting this book back. The fling is over, he used you for sex, and there's nothing more to gain out of the continued contact. At this point it is wasted energy on your part. He isn't prolonging anything, there wasn't anything to breakup from. It was purely a sexual adventure for him. As you said, stop disrespecting yourself and your time. 

[spinstermanquee]

19 minutes ago, darkkraven06 said:

I feel like I should get my book back but at the same time I don’t want to disrespect myself anymore. 

darkraven, get another copy of that book for yourself and don't give him another thought.  anyone that can't even spare the effort to put a book outside their door, isn't going to make any effort at all.  you are right, you deserve better.  please block and forget, "next!"

[Lambert]

I am sorry.  I think where the pain comes from is this-- you let yourself continue to see someone you knew was not that great and he ended it with you.  When you really should have ended it with him.  That does stink.  I have been there!  It's definitely a ding to the old ego.  

I would forget about the book.  Is it some out-of-print volume you can't get anymore?  Do you plan to read it again?  If not, block, delete, do better in the future.  lesson learned.  no shame in it.  

[smackie9]

You need to read back what you posted. Do you see a lot of desperation? I do...where is that coming from? You see and understand this guy's actions, so what is stopping you from making those mature decisions to stop contacting him?  Sex is not a currency to get you a relationship so this guy doesn't owe you anything. Not feeling desired anymore? Ya that can hurt. Know when to tell yourself to walk away...this is one of those times. It's a learning experience you will know for next time. Walk away, shake it off. 

[Coily]

Sadly a case of being in love with love. We've all been through that to some extent, the book is just a tether that you can play the what if game over. Unfortunately that squirrel got his nut and is off into a different part of the yard.

Unless, as others have stated, the book is rare or of immense sentimental value, leave it be.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, darkkraven06 said:

Honestly I don’t have time for anything romantic btw. But I’ll definitely give you your book back.” 

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. Please get tested for STDs. He seems like a player. Pick up the book yourself. Arrange a time... or if it's not important, just buy another copy.

[Kwothe28]

Serious question: What is with women and "forgetting" stuff at the mans place even though they know its just a hookup? Is it some "Cosmopolitan level" advice? "Forget jewelry or lend him something so you would have an excuse to see him again"?

1 hour ago, darkkraven06 said:

I’m sure he found another girl, but why ignore my texts and be so uncommunicative when the texts are about simple things?

Do you really think he cares? You seem to know this is a hookup but assume he cares enough about you to notify you about anything. Even though you yourself say how

1 hour ago, darkkraven06 said:

He also was extremely emotionally unavailable, never opened up to me or wanted to genuinely get to know me. Never complimented me. All of our “dates” consisted of getting food and then going to his place and hooking up. So it was definitely more of a hookup situation, and he was using me. 

If you know that you are being used and he doesnt care about you, dont expect that he would be communicative. He got what he wanted on second date. After that, he dont care about anything regarding you. Stop investing into men who clearly just want one thing and then complain how they are not answering your messages. You cant really expect better from those kind of men in the first place.

[Cherylyn]

If you don't care about the book, forget about the book and him. 

In the future, don't jump in the sack so soon!  I agree with others.  He used you for sex and once he was done with you onto his next conquest. 

Live and learn.  Don't be easy.

[boltnrun]

I don't agree he "used" you since you willingly kept contacting him and went voluntarily to his place to have sex. At any point you could have stopped contacting him. 

Forget about the bleeping book. You can order another copy if you really want one. 

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I don't agree he "used" you since you willingly kept contacting him and went voluntarily to his place to have sex. At any point you could have stopped contacting him. 

Forget about the bleeping book. You can order another copy if you really want one. 

Well, in a way, yes, she was used because in the beginning he was super nice to her.  Then, once he got what he wanted which was sex, he grew tired and bored with her already so he dumped her.  He's also 45 years old and very worldly compared to a 25 year old who doesn't know how some men mistreat women. 

I agree, forget about the book and HIM.  He doesn't think you're worth it so think likewise. 

[MissCanuck]

I wouldn't over-analyze why he is behaving this way, OP. It's wasted mental energy. 

And so is getting this book back. Order yourself a new copy and block his number. This was just hooking up to him and it's fizzled now. It won't be worth it to chase down this book if it doesn't have any sentimental or monetary value to you. 

[Cherylyn]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I wouldn't over-analyze why he is behaving this way, OP. It's wasted mental energy. 

And so is getting this book back. Order yourself a new copy and block his number. This was just hooking up to him and it's fizzled now. It won't be worth it to chase down this book if it doesn't have any sentimental or monetary value to you. 

I agree, it takes a lot of energy to think "why?"  Just learn from a bad experience and be wiser in the future.  It's all you can do. 

It's just a book.  You are more important and even though he hurt you, in your mind, say, "Good riddance!"  He doesn't deserve you.

[Jibralta]

14 hours ago, darkkraven06 said:

but why ignore my texts and be so uncommunicative when the texts are about simple things?

Because he gets off on it. It probably makes him feel attractive and in control.

Tell him to keep the book.

[kctiger]

9 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Well, in a way, yes, she was used because in the beginning he was super nice to her.  Then, once he got what he wanted which was sex, he grew tired and bored with her already so he dumped her.  He's also 45 years old and very worldly compared to a 25 year old who doesn't know how some men mistreat women. 

I'm not sure how I feel about the term "used" but as an older guy now, I do feel like he knew exactly what he was doing with a 25 year old. I don't think he ever intended for a relationship to blossom. He wanted the thrill and validation of getting laid by a younger woman, and he got it. 

[Batya33]

57 minutes ago, kctiger said:

I'm not sure how I feel about the term "used" but as an older guy now, I do feel like he knew exactly what he was doing with a 25 year old. I don't think he ever intended for a relationship to blossom. He wanted the thrill and validation of getting laid by a younger woman, and he got it. 

And she knew they were not exclusive, she chose to have sex right away, she chose to settle for scraps -of food at his place instead of proper dates.  She is an adult woman and wasn't used.  It doesn't matter if he's 42- they're both adults.  She got pleasure from the sex and the thrill maybe of the chase -at first.  I'm not sure how he lied -if she was asking him where he was when not with her or if he'd volunteer made up stories (if the latter that's bizarre).  

It's fine to have casual sex between single adults who consent - not fine to lie to oneself about how attached you get through sex and get all sorts of expectations from sex.  Being "super into" someone at the beginning is fairly typical especially if the people are super into the casual sex.  

It is rude to ignore texts about logistics.  Not because they were dating or having sex because it's not an appropriate way to treat a person whose property you have and she wants it back.  I had to text my friend twice a few years ago to pay me back around $100 she owed me for a theater ticket.  It was really awkward to have to double text.  She claimed she forgot and thanked me for reminding her -she'd gone on vacation in between text one and two - but I'd never want to put someone in that awkward position especially about $100.  So I agree he should have replied promptly about the business end of things for sure.

[Cherylyn]

6 hours ago, kctiger said:

I'm not sure how I feel about the term "used" but as an older guy now, I do feel like he knew exactly what he was doing with a 25 year old. I don't think he ever intended for a relationship to blossom. He wanted the thrill and validation of getting laid by a younger woman, and he got it. 

I would say "used" because after he got what he wanted, he dumped her.  Yes, as an older, more worldly guy, this was not his first rodeo.  As a 25 year old, she doesn't have enough experience regarding how some men in the world work.  Live and learn the painful way which is the best way even though it's horrible to go through it. 

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't victimize myself with the story that he used me. I'd rather pick a story that can help me feel better, not worse, for having learned something important from a lousy outcome.

For instance, I think if we agree to hook up with someone who offers nothing but coldness, then we are both 'using' one another for our own purposes. It could be my own mind game of trying to see if I can get that person more interested. If it doesn't work? Ouch, but then I can decide to flip it and make it his limitation, his inability to view me through the right lens.

Is this a lovely lie I tell myself? Sure, or who knows? If it works for me to feel okay even while I learn the right lesson that I'll never do that again, then what does it matter?

Head high, move forward, and don't replace that book--upgrade to a better one.

 

[Betterwithout]

Sounds like a real jerk, sorry this happened.  You can add it to your list of experiences of good and bad things that can happen in a relationship.

Don't invest any more thought into him (not worth anymore mental resources of yours) and be grateful it was just a few months of your life.

Move on with your chin up!