Am I overreacting?

[toooldforthis]

So I'm dating this guy for about 5 months and I'm beginning to realize that he doesn't like to communicate that much and would rather assume he knows what I'm thinking or feeling. A few examples is one time when I was having a bad day because of some bad news I heard that morning and was keeping to myself to deal with it ( nothing to do with him). We usually talk everyday so I thought he'd probably wonder what happened but I didn't hear from him either so I thought maybe he was dealing with his own stuff. Later that evening I messaged him and explained I had received some bad news and that's why I didn't reach out all day. then asked about his day since he didn't reach out either. He said his day was fine but he figured something was wrong with me, intuitively I guess, and stayed away. He also didn't ask what the new was or why it upset me.  I thought that was weird but ignored it.

The next time was later in that same week. We only see each other once a week due to our schedules and I usually spend a night that day. It's been a regular thing for a few weeks now. Before I had the bad day he was talking as if we were going to see each other that weekend but after I noticed he didn't mention it anymore. So the day comes that I usually see him and I ask to clarify our plans and he said oh I figured you'd stay home since you're in pain. Not once did I ever mention being in pain or not wanting to see him. I talked this over with him but I'm starting to notice how he won't tell me what he feels about anything unless I ask and if I don't tell him how I feel about stuff, he'll just go with whatever assumption he makes instead of asking. 

I don't know if I'm making a big deal about nothing but I don't see how this can be healthy. I'm wondering if I should end things before it gets serious. 

[Batya33]

When you are calm and in person have a mature talk with him and use I statements and be very specific -no abstractions like "communication".  "I felt frustrated when you assumed I wouldn't want to see you for our standing weekly date and wish you had asked rather than assuming."  See what he says.

 

[Kwothe28]

53 minutes ago, toooldforthis said:

So the day comes that I usually see him and I ask to clarify our plans and he said oh I figured you'd stay home since you're in pain. Not once did I ever mention being in pain or not wanting to see him.

Might be a dumb question from myself, but did you told him you are on your period that day? We are men, so he maybe assumed you have period pains so that is why you wont go out. Seems just weird that he would assume without you not telling him anything.

Anyway, how are other things? Is he a caring person himself? You said he didnt asked you about your bad news but how is he treating you in general? Dont think you should break up just for this but its maybe a sign of a larger problem. For example, some men are thought to be closed about feelings and avoid avoid heavy emotions. He is maybe one of those.

[Coily]

Depending on the exact phrasing of you telling him you had a bad day, he may have been waiting for you to open up about it. I know for myself, if someone says they are having a "bad day" I will leave space if they want to talk about it; but I won't pry because they may not want to talk about it.

It's a balancing act, and if someone doesn't know it's okay for them to ask you about your bad days; most will assume just to keep things light and moving along. It's not lack of care, it's discretion until otherwise informed.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, toooldforthis said:

. He also didn't ask what the new was or why it upset me.  I thought that was weird but ignored it.

20 weeks dating is a good time to observe compatibly and differences.

If you have something to say, just say it. People shouldn't have to ask you if something is wrong,  what's wrong, etc. Just speak up. Try to be more open, so people don't have to pry or guess.

That will help you in the future as far as communication. With this man, you may want to reflect if you are in the wrong rationship or with the wrong man , since you seem unhappy so far.

[toooldforthis]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Might be a dumb question from myself, but did you told him you are on your period that day? We are men, so he maybe assumed you have period pains so that is why you wont go out. Seems just weird that he would assume without you not telling him anything.

Anyway, how are other things? Is he a caring person himself? You said he didnt asked you about your bad news but how is he treating you in general? Dont think you should break up just for this but its maybe a sign of a larger problem. For example, some men are thought to be closed about feelings and avoid avoid heavy emotions. He is maybe one of those.

It's funny you ask that because I did mention that my period was due to come sometime this week so he could've made that assumption. 

Overall he's a sweet guy. He treats me well and tries to make me happy. He just clams up or makes assumptions like this when certain situations come up and it frustrates me because I feel like we could resolve things so easily if he would just ask me things instead of assuming he knows what I feel, think, or want. 

After speaking to him some more I don't think his intentions were bad. We just need to find a communication style that works for the both of us. Thank you for your input 

[toooldforthis]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

When you are calm and in person have a mature talk with him and use I statements and be very specific -no abstractions like "communication".  "I felt frustrated when you assumed I wouldn't want to see you for our standing weekly date and wish you had asked rather than assuming."  See what he says.

 

Thanks! I'll give that a try

[Kwothe28]

49 minutes ago, toooldforthis said:

It's funny you ask that because I did mention that my period was due to come sometime this week so he could've made that assumption. 

 

I might have guessed lol. We men are notoriously bad with womens issues. So he might assumed its because of that you wouldnt come out of a house or be cranky. 

If it bothers you that he assumes stuff sometimes, you should tell him that. 

[smackie9]

He's just one of those guys that feels a lot of anxiety when it comes to dealing with feelings/empathy and would rather hide under a rock. It makes him feel real uncomfortable. I doubt you can change that unless he goes to therapy to figure it out. What you see is what you get I always say. This is why we date. We see what they are like, and how they deal with situations. Anyone can be sweet and treat you nice, but it doesn't mean they are empathetic, sympathetic, express feelings, etc. 

Sure you can tell him how you see things with him, and see where that takes you. That's pretty much all you can do. 

[Jibralta]

On 2/5/2023 at 10:19 AM, toooldforthis said:

So I'm dating this guy for about 5 months and I'm beginning to realize that he doesn't like to communicate that much and would rather assume he knows what I'm thinking or feeling...

... I don't know if I'm making a big deal about nothing but I don't see how this can be healthy. I'm wondering if I should end things before it gets serious. 

I don't know if it's 'healthy' or not, but I do know I would end the relationship. It's a personal preference, though--I cannot tolerate passivity. I find it extremely annoying.