Got through our nights out!

[Jaunty]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I thought she meant he was drinking every night at the pub.  

I figure there would be drinks, but if it's a pint or whatever that is not what I would consider a red flag.  If they're getting drunk - different story.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

I figure there would be drinks, but if it's a pint or whatever that is not what I would consider a red flag.  If they're getting drunk - different story.

Yes for sure -for people who are cool with a lifestyle of daily pub visits it's not a red flag generally.  When my husband lived/worked in another city for 5 years (we dated for less than a year of that time) he and his coworkers would have a few beers once a week at a local bar -not get drunk - I never found that odd -I thought it was good he was friendly with coworkers.  Every night would have been a flag for me but not generally. 

[excentric246]

23 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Hm.  This keeps getting worse.

At first, I was not on board AT ALL with all those here who are down on the guy.  I don't think it's necessarily wrong to go to a pub every night.  I don't do that (don't even drink) but I know it's cultural in some places.  The pub / local / bar is where a person's main social interactions happen, in some areas.  It's "normal."  Not about getting drunk or hitting on anyone.  

And the 40th birthday story?  I think that guys who like to go to strip clubs are lame, but I don't think that makes them bad or a relationship risk.  

So I was going to defend him and talk to you about your clingy texting (which I still think is a problem no matter who the man is or what he's doing), but once I got to the part where he's still on the dating apps?   I'm not going to defend him now.  

I want to pull him up on the dating website. I get were dating and we can daye as many people as we want. I'm not I came off it but if he's on it dating other women then I'm off. 

[Jaunty]

I kind of had the impression that this was your boyfriend but now that I read it again I get that you've only been out with him a handful of times and you're not committed.  So, in that case, the dating app is not criminal.  

Since you are basically just dating,  and haven't had any conversations about exclusivity etc.,   I'm not even sure why you made such a big deal about having nights out without each other.  

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, happygal97 said:

 but if he's on it dating other women then I'm off. 

That's the reason he's on it. Think about the headaches he's causing already. Do whatever is best for you.

[excentric246]

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

I kind of had the impression that this was your boyfriend but now that I read it again I get that you've only been out with him a handful of times and you're not committed.  So, in that case, the dating app is not criminal.  

Since you are basically just dating,  and haven't had any conversations about exclusivity etc.,   I'm not even sure why you made such a big deal about having nights out without each other.  

The nights out was just because we didn't know the etecet regarding do we say when we're home etc.

 

I get the dating website part but I'd feel bad dating other people he obviously dosnt so now ull go back on it too and start dating other men. 

[excentric246]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

That's the reason he's on it. Think about the headaches he's causing already. Do whatever is best for you.

I don't know when he's had the time to date other woman.

[Batya33]

Just now, happygal97 said:

The nights out was just because we didn't know the etecet regarding do we say when we're home etc.

 

I get the dating website part but I'd feel bad dating other people he obviously dosnt so now ull go back on it too and start dating other men. 

I think there's really poor communication here.  So -you're allowed to date others because you're not exclusive so why this checking in if the other person is out -assume they are out and if one promised to call the other but can't because he or she is going out then that person texts "hey -I can't call tonight because I won't be home -call you tomorrow!"  If you assumed he wouldn't date others because you weren't I mean that's a really odd assumption if you're not exclusive -why not talk about expectations and intentions.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, happygal97 said:

I don't know when he's had the time to date other woman.

Everyone has time to look to and date others if they want to. He had time when he went out with friends, he has time tonight when watching football.   And if you're not exclusive then he's allowed to keep his options open.  

[Jaunty]

Ok.  This time I looked at your prior posts.  You've been on THREE DATES.  This puts a different spin on the whole thing.   

Why did you have to text him game scores?  If the guy wanted the scores while he was in the middle of his night with friends, he could & would just Google for them.  

This level of enmeshment is not appropriate for people who are just getting started dating.  I don't know anything about the guy; whether he's a good candidate for you or not.  I think you need to do some kind of work on your insecurity before trying to get into a relationship.

[excentric246]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Everyone has time to look to and date others if they want to. He had time when he went out with friends, he has time tonight when watching football.   And if you're not exclusive then he's allowed to keep his options open.  

Completely agree and I will be doing exactly the same now I've found this out. I'm not annoyed he is I just like to know because if he's datingloads of women he's obviously sleeping with them too which is a huge concern 

[excentric246]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think there's really poor communication here.  So -you're allowed to date others because you're not exclusive so why this checking in if the other person is out -assume they are out and if one promised to call the other but can't because he or she is going out then that person texts "hey -I can't call tonight because I won't be home -call you tomorrow!"  If you assumed he wouldn't date others because you weren't I mean that's a really odd assumption if you're not exclusive -why not talk about expectations and intentions.

Yes I've nearly messaged him saying I believe your still on dating websites are you dating other woman as well as me. It is mearly a question I'm not annoyed I think it's fair the other person knows. 

[Jaunty]

Why are you planning your behavior based on what you *think*  he is doing?  Do you want to multi-date?  If you do want to multi-date, why haven't you been?  If multi-dating is not your thing, why are you planning on starting it because you *think* he's doing it?  

What you need to do is be true to yourself.  If you are only going to date one man at a time, don't reactively throw that out suddenly because you think a guy (who it turns out you barely know) might be doing it. 

Either talk to him and see if you are, or can be, on the same page, or just stop seeing this one guy.  I vote for the latter.   Your emotional involvement seems to have gone way too far based on what you have had to work with at this point.  No putting toothpaste back in the tube, as the saying goes.

[Jaunty]

3 minutes ago, happygal97 said:

Yes I've nearly messaged him saying I believe your still on dating websites are you dating other woman as well as me. It is mearly a question I'm not annoyed I think it's fair the other person knows. 

When people are just starting dating there is no presumption that it's automatically exclusive.  This is generally talked about.  I think 3 dates in would be a bit hasty, in most cases.  

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, happygal97 said:

Yes I've nearly messaged him saying I believe your still on dating websites are you dating other woman 

If he is, he's not going to tell you. Why confront him?  After a couple of dates you can assume you're both talking to and meeting others. 

Just slow down next time without getting this attached and overinvested. 

[excentric246]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If he is, he's not going to tell you. Why confront him?  After a couple of dates you can assume you're both talking to and meeting others. 

Just slow down next time without getting this attached and overinvested. 

I do believe he's not dating anyone else and he's told me that and said I've nothing to worry about so I will just have to accept his answer. Like you say its ɓeen 3 dates 4th one this week I have a busy life myself, I may come across like I'm overly attached and invested on here but I certainly don't with him. I don't constantly text him or ring him, he asks for the next date never me. Yes so I sent him 1 text when I was out and he was out but its never me that then continues the texting so I can't be annoying him if he's wanting to continue the conversation. 

[Jaunty]

I don't think you've been annoying him - though if this ends up going anywhere, it might get there.   I mean, you seem to have good self control with regards to your behavior towards him.  It's what's going on internally that will creep in.  

There is no reason that a person you've dated 3 times going out with his friends should require any special emotional prep on your part.   2 threads about it.   

That is problematic.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I don't think you've been annoying him - though if this ends up going anywhere, it might get there.   I mean, you seem to have good self control with regards to your behavior towards him.  It's what's going on internally that will creep in.  

There is no reason that a person you've dated 3 times going out with his friends should require any special emotional prep on your part.   2 threads about it.   

That is problematic.

I agree. This nailed it and I think the OP is backpedaling. If you think he goes on dates and has casual sex with multiple women (I always multidated before exclusivity and never had casual sex) - why are you dating him in the first place? I thought you wanted a potentially serious relationship.

[excentric246]

20 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I don't think you've been annoying him - though if this ends up going anywhere, it might get there.   I mean, you seem to have good self control with regards to your behavior towards him.  It's what's going on internally that will creep in.  

There is no reason that a person you've dated 3 times going out with his friends should require any special emotional prep on your part.   2 threads about it.   

That is problematic.

He was actually really nice with his reply I just said I wasn't worried I was intrigued and said I'm glad I asked and thanked him for being honest  to which he replied when I ring we can have a chat about it I've nothing to hide but this dosnt need to go any further now I am happy with his response  

[Batya33]

You are happy and intrigued that your friends reported to you that the man you’ve gone on a couple of dates with is active on dating sites. Well you know you’re entitled to feel what you feel and I hope you enjoy speaking with him later.