Got through our nights out!

[MissCanuck]

Why are you still seeing this man?

He sounds like a pig. I would have been done with him beforw now, that's for sure. Find a man who knows how to respect the lady he is dating. This one is not it. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, happygal97 said:

You honestly wouldn't have given him a 3rd daye because of that comment. I must be soft. 

My sense is you don't trust men -guilty till proven innocent and somehow you think you should be part of a couple regardless.  So you choose the benefits (to you) of having a "boyfriend" and then get all stressed out about the downsides because you choose men who are not compatible with you other than they want to date you and be your boyfriend.

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, happygal97 said:

You honestly wouldn't have given him a 3rd daye because of that comment. I must be soft. 

Nope. 

Any man his age who is dumb or classess enough to make a comment like that on a second date is not someone I could take seriously or would want to get closer to. So no, no third date. 

And yes, given what you keep adding about him and the comments he makes, I think you probably are soft. You don't seem to see the red flags here that have nothing to do with you two each enjoying your own nights out. 

[excentric246]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My thoughts are you are looking for reasons to not trust him and even if you are into him you are looking for reasons to bow out and play the victim of a "player."  

I personally wouldn't date someone who chose to go to a strip club to celebrate his bday and chose to get a lap dance.  Our values wouldn't align.  Other women might be happy with it/ok with it/find it a turn on - so, it depends on how you feel about it. Obviously you went far past the second date so you chose to either be ok with it or happy with it. 

Also how did it come up? I had a man tell me on our second date he used to go to strip clubs as part of his business work as a salesperson and did not believe getting a lap dance was sexual.  I then knew I shouldn't see him again as our values didn't align.  He was very handsome and treated me with respect and I knew there would be no long term potential even though in his current job he didn't frequent strip clubs.  

I think your right I try to find reasons because ì don't want to be taken for a mug my friends say Ì deliberately self sabotage dating/relationships because they always leave me anyway so I Try and find a reason first. 

[excentric246]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

Nope. 

Any man his age who is dumb or classess enough to make a comment like that on a second date is not someone I could take seriously or would want to get closer to. So no, no 

And yes, given what you keep adding about him and the comments he makes, I think you probably are soft. You don't seem to see the red flags here that have nothing to do with you two each enjoying your own nights out. 

I am the worst for not seeing red flags. Or I do and choose to ignore them. I wish I wasn't soft ìf I wasn't soft I might not waste my time on men that arnt really bothered about me. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, happygal97 said:

I think your right I try to find reasons because ì don't want to be taken for a mug my friends say Ì deliberately self sabotage dating/relationships because they always leave me anyway so I Try and find a reason first. 

Right.  Doesn't sound fun -sounds annoying and unnecessarily confrontational.  Inconsistent with your goal of "not being taken for a mug." Treating men like you do and choosing men who are not people of character and integrity does not reflect your sense of self-worth -it's simply a cop out.

In general when I dated for over 20 years I was treated with respect and like a lady because I carried myself with confidence, had reasonable boundaries and was selective about who I spent time with and got to know.  I had several close male friends, I liked men generally and I had individual men I was close to/admired/respected and never appreciated when people made negative generalizations about men (and I have a teenage son and fully expect he will behave appropriately when he starts dating because he's always been a kind, compassionate and thoughtful person).

Do you have close male platonic friends? 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, happygal97 said:

I am the worst for not seeing red flags. Or I do and choose to ignore them. I wish I wasn't soft ìf I wasn't soft I might not waste my time on men that arnt really bothered about me. 

No wishing needed.  It's all in your control, all work you can do to practice making better choices.  

[excentric246]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right.  Doesn't sound fun -sounds annoying and unnecessarily confrontational.  Inconsistent with your goal of "not being taken for a mug." Treating men like you do and choosing men who are not people of character and integrity does not reflect your sense of self-worth -it's simply a cop out.

In general when I dated for over 20 years I was treated with respect and like a lady because I carried myself with confidence, had reasonable boundaries and was selective about who I spent time with and got to know.  I had several close male friends, I liked men generally and I had individual men I was close to/admired/respected and never appreciated when people made negative generalizations about men (and I have a teenage son and fully expect he will behave appropriately when he starts dating because he's always been a kind, compassionate and thoughtful person).

Do you have close male platonic friends? 

Not straight ones no, I dont actually have a friend who is a boy. 

[excentric246]

17 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why are you still seeing this man?

He sounds like a pig. I would have been done with him beforw now, that's for sure. Find a man who knows how to respect the lady he is dating. This one is not it. 

Because I don't want to be to hasty he night have been overly nervous and that's why he said those silly things.

Why do you think he dosnt respect me?

I know that him going out last night then switching his phone off tull 2pm then messaging me like that was normal was not a nice thing to do. 

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, happygal97 said:

Not straight ones no, I dont actually have a friend who is a boy. 

I mean adult men not boys. And men who date men are men, no? 

[excentric246]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I mean adult men not boys. And men who date men are men, no? 

Yes I know 😆 boy was the wrong word I meant man.

Yes of course but I thought you meant a guywfriend that could turn into something. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, happygal97 said:

Yes I know 😆 boy was the wrong word I meant man.

Yes of course but I thought you meant a guywfriend that could turn into something. 

I meant the opposite. You seem to have very negative attitudes about an entire gender and I'm wondering if you have close male friends who you do not date.  Why do you choose to date in the first place and get involved in a serious relationship if you have such distrust of "men"?

[excentric246]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I meant the opposite. You seem to have very negative attitudes about an entire gender and I'm wondering if you have close male friends who you do not date.  Why do you choose to date in the first place and get involved in a serious relationship if you have such distrust of "men"?

I want a relationship I want someone who will not make me feel this way. 

I do have trust issues but never let it show or so I don't think  

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, happygal97 said:

I want a relationship I want someone who will not make me feel this way. 

I do have trust issues but never let it show or so I don't think  

No one can make you feel a certain way.  And it's not a man's job to prove to you he is trustworthy.  Pick men who are people of character and integrity. Who show this through their actions -how they treat you, their friends, waitstaff, strangers, their colleagues, their families. 

Pick men who live a reasonably healthy lifestyle and prioritize being fit and who limit how often they drink, rarely if ever get drunk and don't use illegal drugs (IMO) - having done so to an extent while teenagers doesn't count if they've moved past it and changed. Pick men who are looking for a serious relationship, who have friends who are people of character and integrity with rare exception, who are reliable and keep their promises to call/show up on time for a date/plan dates that show they are thinking of you and are appreciative when you do the same.

  Own your trust issues meaning don't react by suffocating people or monitoring their behavior with multiple texts.  I've been on that end of things and it's annoying and ultimately a dealbreaker.  

[Kwothe28]

Oof. Last calls at the bars are when you usually pick up drunk women to get on with them. Everyday there? Not really a good look. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, happygal97 said:

he night have been overly nervous and that's why he said those silly things.

Sorry, but that makes no sense. I've never known a man to be so nervous on a date that he brags about spending all kinds of money on lap dances or comments on how attractive another woman. That is quite a reach on your part.

2 hours ago, happygal97 said:

Why do you think he dosnt respect me?

Really, you don't know? See my above comment. 

A man with respect for you doesn't behave like an oversexed horndog on dates. 

[excentric246]

37 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Sorry, but that makes no sense. I've never known a man to be so nervous on a date that he brags about spending all kinds of money on lap dances or comments on how attractive another woman. That is quite a reach on your part.

Really, you don't know? See my above comment. 

A man with respect for you doesn't behave like an oversexed horndog on dates. 

😆 now that comment was funny. 

I met him online and my mates just come across him still on the dating websites. 

[excentric246]

40 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Oof. Last calls at the bars are when you usually pick up drunk women to get on with them. Everyday there? Not really a good look. 

Yes he's there now apparently watching the football. But my friend has just come across him on dating websites so now I just think he's on a date 🤷‍♀️

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, happygal97 said:

😆 my mates just come across him still on the dating websites. 

Perhaps it's time to set yourself free from this. There are so many red flags ready. Simply tell him you're not a match then delete and block him. Get tested for STDs and be careful about red flags in the future to prevent headaches and heartaches.

[MissCanuck]

I would stop seeing him, if you didn't have reason enough already to do so. 

He's obviously keeping his options open and meeting other women, so if you're hoping this will turn into a relationship, you're going to be disappointed. 

[excentric246]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps it's time to set yourself free from this. There are so many red flags ready. Simply tell him you're not a match then delete and block him. Get tested for STDs and be careful about red flags in the future to prevent headaches and heartaches.

Should I not mentioned about the dating website? He said he was gping to call me later. 

[Batya33]

Just now, happygal97 said:

Should I not mentioned about the dating website? He said he was gping to call me later. 

If he calls you say calmly I understand you are still keeping your options open and looking to date others.  I don't think we're on the same page and I don't think we should see each other anymore.  

[Jaunty]

Hm.  This keeps getting worse.

At first, I was not on board AT ALL with all those here who are down on the guy.  I don't think it's necessarily wrong to go to a pub every night.  I don't do that (don't even drink) but I know it's cultural in some places.  The pub / local / bar is where a person's main social interactions happen, in some areas.  It's "normal."  Not about getting drunk or hitting on anyone.  

And the 40th birthday story?  I think that guys who like to go to strip clubs are lame, but I don't think that makes them bad or a relationship risk.  

So I was going to defend him and talk to you about your clingy texting (which I still think is a problem no matter who the man is or what he's doing), but once I got to the part where he's still on the dating apps?   I'm not going to defend him now.  

[Batya33]

Just now, Jaunty said:

Hm.  This keeps getting worse.

At first, I was not on board AT ALL with all those here who are down on the guy.  I don't think it's necessarily wrong to go to a pub every night.  I don't do that (don't even drink) but I know it's cultural in some places.  The pub / local / bar is where a person's main social interactions happen, in some areas.  It's "normal."  Not about getting drunk or hitting on anyone.  

And the 40th birthday story?  I think that guys who like to go to strip clubs are lame, but I don't think that makes them bad or a relationship risk.  

So I was going to defend him and talk to you about your clingy texting (which I still think is a problem no matter who the man is or what he's doing), but once I got to the part where he's still on the dating apps?   I'm not going to defend him now.  

I thought she meant he was drinking every night at the pub.  

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, happygal97 said:

Should I not mentioned about the dating website? He said he was gping to call me later. 

Why bother? There are so many red flags to choose from. Are you exclusive? Just tell him it's not working, goodbye and good luck. Why allow yourself to be lied to again? Knowing when to cut your losses is important.

Getting tested for STDs is also important. Take care of yourself, your child and your physical and mental health first and foremost. He's not BF material.