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Got through our nights out!


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From my previous post I had a night out Friday and my "Date" had his night out Sat. 

Friday went well he didn't text me so I sent him a checking in text 3 hours into my night, he went the pub for last orders and carried on messaging me. 

I never heard off him all day Sat but its my weekend with my daughter and I don't think he likes to disturb our time. 

I said to him I'd keep him updated with the football score so I messaged him around half 5 with the score he then sent me a few messages ɓut I was with my friend so didn't reply plus I thought he was at a party and didn't want to disturb him. When I dud respond he responded which I appreciated as he didn't need too.

On the last text he sent I'd fallen asleep so didn't reply this was 1am. 

I messaged him back this morning and my message has 1 tick on it. 

Please can someone stop me from  going into a spiral of negative thoughts. 

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I think you stop it by revisiting this routine of how you use texting to check in and send him football scores because then -for you -you then expect a response and/or have to rationalize why you're not receiving one.  The impression is -even if unintentional -you want him on some sort of leash whether you're together or not.  Your monitoring of his responses/timing sounds exhausting.  That I think triggers the negative spiral -monitoring is not from a positive mindset.  I'm glad you had fun during your evening.  

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18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think you stop it by revisiting this routine of how you use texting to check in and send him football scores because then -for you -you then expect a response and/or have to rationalize why you're not receiving one.  The impression is -even if unintentional -you want him on some sort of leash whether you're together or not.  Your monitoring of his responses/timing sounds exhausting.  That I think triggers the negative spiral -monitoring is not from a positive mindset.  I'm glad you had fun during your evening.  

Reading that back to myself I'm completely obsessed with the texts! And timings and what he is doing now and why his tick is 1 and not 2!! 

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1 hour ago, happygal97 said:

 I don't think he likes to disturb our time. 

I said to him I'd keep him updated with the football score 

 I messaged him back this morning and my message has 1 tick on it.

If you discontinue texting this much you'll feel better.  There's no reason to keep him updated this much. Enjoy your time when together but leave some breathing room for yourselves and your respective friends family and other activities. Try not to text-tether.  It becomes suffocating rather than reassuring after a while.

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12 minutes ago, happygal97 said:

Reading that back to myself I'm completely obsessed with the texts! And timings and what he is doing now and why his tick is 1 and not 2!! 

Yes.  I didn't have a cell phone till 2009 when I was very pregnant and no smart phone till 2015 - my husband and I spoke by phone daily on the times we didn't see each other (we were long distance for a large portion of the years we dated before marriage) and emailed some during the day.  I loved saving up anecdotes/stories for him. Yes when we were serious I did expect to hear from him daily unless there was a reason like out of town etc - but not really as a check in - because we had a good time chatting.  I had no idea what he was doing nor did I think I should care and vice versa.  Not hour by hour or for a full day he was away.  With exceptions - if we had important medical appointments or he had or I had an important work meeting or similar.  

Why do you think this sort of attachment is necessary? Missing each other is good -saving up stories is good - and if you trust your partner who cares what he is doing on a night out?

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8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes.  I didn't have a cell phone till 2009 when I was very pregnant and no smart phone till 2015 - my husband and I spoke by phone daily on the times we didn't see each other (we were long distance for a large portion of the years we dated before marriage) and emailed some during the day.  I loved saving up anecdotes/stories for him. Yes when we were serious I did expect to hear from him daily unless there was a reason like out of town etc - but not really as a check in - because we had a good time chatting.  I had no idea what he was doing nor did I think I should care and vice versa.  Not hour by hour or for a full day he was away.  With exceptions - if we had important medical appointments or he had or I had an important work meeting or similar.  

Why do you think this sort of attachment is necessary? Missing each other is good -saving up stories is good - and if you trust your partner who cares what he is doing on a night out?

I honestly don't know I think I think if we're not texting he's forgetting about me. Or hethinks I'm not interested so he will go off and find someone else. 

I don't trust any man never have done they don't even need to give me a reason I just never have ðone. I just think when they go out they can't help but look and chat to other women. 

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13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you discontinue texting this much you'll feel better.  There's no reason to keep him updated this much. Enjoy your time when together but leave some breathing room for yourselves and your respective friends family and other activities. Try not to text-tether.  It becomes suffocating rather than reassuring after a while.

Ŵe hardly text, never have done I must get no more than 7 a day and there spaced out over like 2 hours. 

He sees his mates at the pub every night, goes the gym I've never not given him space.

What's text tether? 

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Just now, happygal97 said:

I honestly don't know I think I think if we're not texting he's forgetting about me. Or hethinks I'm not interested so he will go off and find someone else. 

I don't trust any man never have done they don't even need to give me a reason I just never have ðone. I just think when they go out they can't help but look and chat to other women. 

Of course they are not blind.  When I am out in public I notice people and if someone looks particularly attractive I might notice that person -man or woman.  I chat with people.  Men and women.  I have male friends.  Always have. I've never cheated or behaved inappropriately and neither has my husband. 

Do I know that for sure - I mean technically no -because he travels allll the time he is away from me for hours, has platonic female friends, works with women who are attractive, etc etc - I don't need to know technically for sure.  I simply believe so  and trust him and no need to check in. 

I am sure he notices attractive women.  I don't think he's ever once ogled or made a comment about another woman in my presence that was inappropriate and same for me.  We do comment about others' looks but not like you're saying -at all -we comment about reality shows/game shows and what people choose to wear lol.  We aren't people who are inordinately focused on looks AND we absolutely were attracted to each other and still are because we find each other physically attractive -of course looks matter and of course people notice looks -whatever does that have to do with trusting your partner to be loyal and faithful??

How do you think people managed before texting? Most of my dating (started in 1980 until 2005) I had: landline, then as an older teenager an answering machine and then when I started working -work landline and work voicemail.  I didn't have external email till I was 30 and no IM till shortly after that. 

Most people spoke once a day if they were seriously dating. If not it was twice a week usually -once to say hi and once to make/confirm a date.  There's no purpose in dating if you don't trust because even if he texts you 24/7 he could be doing it from a hotel bathroom while the gal he chatted up on the express line at the supermarket is waiting under the covers.  Watch the scene in an old episode of Sex and the City where Samantha chases down her lover who has flown her and her friends to some resort because she is sure he is cheating when he's not with her -she arrives breathless to their hotel room to find him - there and alone.  She then tells him - look, I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore.  She knows he's not cheated right then but she simply doesn't trust him and it's eating away at her.  

It's not fair to date someone you don't trust -you're burdening him and being disrespectful with the fake check in texts.

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1 hour ago, happygal97 said:

Please can someone stop me from  going into a spiral of negative thoughts

Gosh happygal, that sounds painful... why do you think you "go there?"  Maybe this worry is really just your gut telling you he's not the one.

YMMV - to me texting is for informational purposes only (here's the address; appt confirmed; i've arrived; here is the vendor information etc.), not a way to manage or gauge a relationship (do you still love me; let's break up; are you cheating etc.)  Written and spoken words are wiped out or negated by actions.  As many here on the forums say, "watch the feet not the words."

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4 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

Gosh happygal, that sounds painful... why do you think you "go there?"  Maybe this worry is really just your gut telling you he's not the one.

YMMV - to me texting is for informational purposes only (here's the address; appt confirmed; i've arrived; here is the vendor information etc.), not a way to manage or gauge a relationship (do you still love me; let's break up; are you cheating etc.)  Written and spoken words are wiped out or negated by actions.  As many here on the forums say, "watch the feet not the words."

Because I àlways think the worse

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9 minutes ago, happygal97 said:

Concerned about the drinking or cheating? 

For me the former also about his lifestyle - is it compatible with yours? Does he drink alcohol very night? Get drunk? How long has he had this daily habit? Cheating happens because a person chooses to act unfaithfully.  Sometimes a person plays with fire like by going to someone's home -a woman who is home alone -and giving the impression he wants to have sex with her and/or choosing to get drunk and choosing the consequences of acting inappropriately.  Going to a bar is not playing with fire.  And I would not have enough in common with a person who chose to go to a bar every night.

Edited to add I wrote this before reading Miss Canuck's post.  I agree!

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1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

Drinking. 

Cheating can happen any time or any place. There doesn't need to be alcohol involved. But I personally would not date a guy who's at the pub drinking every night. 

 

Yeah I understand what your saying and I agree. What are your thoughts on him gping to a strip club for his 40th and paying £400 on lapdances for him.... then deciding to tell me all this on our 2nd date 😆

 

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3 minutes ago, happygal97 said:

Yeah I understand what your saying and I agree. What are your thoughts on him gping to a strip club for his 40th and paying £400 on lapdances for him.... then deciding to tell me all this on our 2nd date 😆

 

Either he doesn't like you at all or he is stupid.

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3 minutes ago, happygal97 said:

Yeah I understand what your saying and I agree. What are your thoughts on him gping to a strip club for his 40th and paying £400 on lapdances for him.... then deciding to tell me all this on our 2nd date 😆

 

My thoughts are you are looking for reasons to not trust him and even if you are into him you are looking for reasons to bow out and play the victim of a "player."  

I personally wouldn't date someone who chose to go to a strip club to celebrate his bday and chose to get a lap dance.  Our values wouldn't align.  Other women might be happy with it/ok with it/find it a turn on - so, it depends on how you feel about it. Obviously you went far past the second date so you chose to either be ok with it or happy with it. 

Also how did it come up? I had a man tell me on our second date he used to go to strip clubs as part of his business work as a salesperson and did not believe getting a lap dance was sexual.  I then knew I shouldn't see him again as our values didn't align.  He was very handsome and treated me with respect and I knew there would be no long term potential even though in his current job he didn't frequent strip clubs.  

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Just now, dias said:

Either he doesn't like you at all or he is stupid.

😆😆 he said quite a few things my friends thought he was testing me or showing off money wise, when we were watching a programme he commented that a non famous girl was fit as well I just joked and said have you forgot who ypur sat next too. 

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