Resuming a relationship (Small or Big)?

[DuhDude85]

This girl who I've known for a long time, we started taking a while back. She was going through a nasty breakup with the guy she has a child with and had several issues because of that (trust, ect) which is to be expected based on how this dude is. So her and I ended up getting closer and decided to give a relationship a shot, however shortly thereafter she decided it would be easier to go back to her ex (they do have a kid together) since he was making things so difficult on her. So her and I parted ways on good terms.

9 months later, she has finally had enough and left the dude again a few months ago. They are working on their coparenting but their relationship is dead and gone. I'm really good friends with both her mother and we have several mutual friends, all of which are encouraging me to try to resume a relationship with her.

That to say, taking everything into account, our friends...her mom, mutual feelings..I have decided to try and pursue this relationship again except on SLOW terms.

What I need help with. I want to send her something on valentines day that just lets her know that she was always special to me and that I want to resume things with her, but no rushing as I want to do this together with her. 

My plan is to either go small and write a letter along with flowers and invite her to dinner later that week. OR go big and have the kids at her kindergarten class help me by giving her several cards (each card would have a small section of what I want to tell her) and the very last card I'll come around the corner with flowers and tell her how I've always felt and go from there.

SO....do I go small...or do I go big?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, DuhDude85 said:

she has finally had enough and left the dude again a few months ago. They are working on their coparenting 

Is she contacting you and talking about getting back together? Please only go by what she indicates rather than what friends and family think. Please do not involve her work situation. Ask her out for dinner and try not to overwhelm her with romcom gestures. Most of all go by her responses rather than what everyone else thinks.

[Kwothe28]

White Knight Syndrome

White knight syndrome is a term used to describe someone who feels compelled to “rescue” people in intimate relationships, often at the expense of their own needs.

For example in this case you have a woman who you tried to "save" from a bad relationship. And who willingly left you and got back to that bad relationship. So now, you again are ignoring your own sense of self, and trying to get back with the person who once left you to get back to her bad ex. How do you think this is going to end? When she already once deemed you as not good enough and how it was easier to go back to bad relationship then to be with you?

I do admire your sense of romantic gestures. But please dont do any of that. Dont do grand gestures for somebody you dont even know if she will go out with you. Even letter with flowers is not "going small". 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, DuhDude85 said:

OR go big and have the kids at her kindergarten class help me by giving her several cards (each card would have a small section of what I want to tell her) and the very last card I'll come around the corner with flowers and tell her how I've always felt and go from there.

Sweet idea, but absolutely not. 

You have no idea if this woman is even interested, so please don't make a spectacle out of yourself at her workplace with this. It's not appropriate and could make her very uncomfortable. 

5 hours ago, DuhDude85 said:

go small and write a letter along with flowers and invite her to dinner later that week

Even this is too much. 

As far as I can tell, this woman herself has not indicated that she would be interested in rekindling something with you. What her mom or mutual friends want is irrelevant. All that matters is if she is into it. Let go of the romantic gestures, and keep it simple with a message or phone call to see if she would be interested in meeting up for a coffee or lunch. 

 

 

[Batya33]

Please do not involve any children or her work situation as you wrote.  I would be livid as a parent if I found out this had happened in my child's classroom and when I was a kindergarten teacher -no way! 

If you ask her out for v-day and she says yes I would take her out for a nice- not fancy -meal or a walk outside and ice cream or dessert at a cafe and perhaps give her a single flower with a small box of chocolates -low key.  Next v-day if you two are seriously involved you two can plan an over the top romantic evening.  

[SooSad33]

15 hours ago, DuhDude85 said:

9 months later, she has finally had enough and left the dude again a few months ago. They are working on their coparenting but their relationship is dead and gone. I'm really good friends with both her mother and we have several mutual friends, all of which are encouraging me to try to resume a relationship with her.

Umm no... and for sure no, at any attempt to get her to come around again, especially with her class involved!

Your first round with her was a rebound. She has shown you she has NO energy to try a relationship again.  Nothing to give at this time in her life. Where she is at and where you are at are 2 diff paths.  She is in no way ready to be involved again.  And, as someone else mentioned, she was with you then went back to her ex again - they were not done yet.

So, you need to back off.  Let her recover & heal from all she has been through with her last relationship.  Last thing she needs is more pressures.

Leave her be.  If you're talking still, that's fine.  But leave it at that. 

Maybe.. a couple years from now, if she's actually wanting to.

[Jibralta]

21 hours ago, DuhDude85 said:

OR go big and have the kids at her kindergarten class help me by giving her several cards (each card would have a small section of what I want to tell her) and the very last card I'll come around the corner with flowers and tell her how I've always felt and go from there.

I would definitely NOT do this. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I would definitely NOT do this. 

Also if you truly believe that it is appropriate to enlist the help of young children to make a romantic gesture to their teacher and that that would somehow show her how interested you are in her there's more going on here -within you- if you would jeopardize her job in this way and behave inappropriately with young children who are in her care -she is in place of their parents when they are in her classroom and they put so much trust in her and the school to keep their kids safe and to educate them appropriately.  They're not cute little puppets for you to use to make some grand gesture to their teacher.  

Consider why you'd ever ever think this is "going big" - it comes across as unstable and as if you saw this in some movie sometime and have this fantasy of being "that guy".  

When my son was 7 there was a very pretty adult woman with a table of crafty stuff and gardening stuff for kids set up at the weekly farmers market in the kids play area.  She had an assistant -also a woman in her 20s.  I was sitting a couple of feet away watching my son who was at the table with the crafts. 

The assistant approaches him and says "hey -come over there with me I'll show you what we have at the other table."  The other table was further down the path  -I could see it in the distance and there were no kids there.  She never asked him where his parent was. I wanted to see how he would react.  He said to her nicely -and smartly as he'd learned - "I have to ask my mom."  I then walked over to them and asked him if he wanted to look at the other table (he didn't). 

Yes I emailed the owner after to tell her how inappropriate it was for her assistant to try to get my son to go with her to another location down the path.  She agreed.

  OP - maybe you're just unfamiliar or you're a parent and you're cool with strangers interacting with your young kids as you described - please don't. Ever. Especially in today's world.  It is not ok.  They're not your cute playthings -they're individual people entitled to be safe and comfortable.  Sorry I got on my soapbox but the more I thought of how you described a potential plan the more it was alarming to me.  

[boltnrun]

Did you get that idea from the movie "Parenthood", by chance?

I agree with the others. Do not recruit and/or involve small children in your attempt to rekindle.

A simple invitation out for a low key evening and like someone else said, one flower if she agrees to the date.