I think my relationship just eneded

[WrittenInTheStars]

My LDR just ended, or so I believe it did because I haven’t gotten any responses.
 

We had been dating for an entire year, he lives in Mexico and I live in the US. I always made sure that we would communicate everyday by texting him and sending him snapchats. We started dating in January of last year, I flew to Mexico for a week in March and a week in May to see him. I thought everything was going well until July came around and he started being distant and stopped answering my phone calls and messages. It turns out he was ignoring me because he would no longer be coming to visit me like he had planned, instead he was going to go work in the East Coast (I’m in the West Coast). During that time I began to get panic attacks from the overwhelming thoughts I had when he was ignoring me. Even after he responded I continued to get panic attacks, had insomnia, was calling in to work almost everyday. I wasn’t getting any better and Kaiser wasn’t of any help since their psychiatrist were on strike. I decided to go visit him in September to the east coast, it took a total of 10 hours. When we finally saw each other I was so happy to finally be with him again however while I was there we fought constantly. He said he had seen me send a kiss emoji to another man, even though I hadn’t. We argued for almost 10 hours ( I was only going to be there for 3 days) so I was so sad that we would be spending our time just fighting. Eventually we got over it and spent our last night up talking. When he left we were both crying. After that he started to call me through FaceTime every week. We planned a trip to Hawai’i and went for a week and a half in November. We fought about dumb things like jokes I would say and me calling him stupid after running a red light. On our flight back he wasn’t talking to me and I was crying the entire time. When we landed I told him to decide whether he was gonna continue to try and work things out or not and he agreed to continue and we apologized to each other. After we came back he stayed here to work and be with me the entire month of November. He went back to Mexico and we were away only 3 weeks because then I also went to Mexico to stay with him for three weeks. We spent Christmas and new years together everything was fine until I started asking him why I was he hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend yet. He told me to stop crying because he didn’t like it when I cried and told me he loved me deeply and hasn’t asked me yet because he doesn’t want me to think he’s only doing it because I asked him to. I came back and he told me how much he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me again.

We were planning a trip together for my birth in February and he asked me several time if I was sure I wanted to go. Last week he was asking me if I had told my mom about him going to visit me and if she had told anyone else (our families are from the same town). After I asked why he was so curious he said it was only because we were planning another trip together. This was on Saturday and he stopped responding to me that day so on Tuesday I called him, he didn’t answer I sent a message and said your probably asleep already I only called to say hi cause I miss you. He left me on read so I’m Wednesday I tried again, this time I told him that whatever was going on to tell me because I deserve to go. He responded at 1am telling me he didn’t know what to do because he feels like are relationship was being wasted and felt like I wasn’t happy anymore, he also told me he doesn’t feel the same when he’s with me and needs to clear his mind because he doesn’t want to make the wrong decision but he also doesn’t want to waste my time. I responded to him and told him that it made no sense since he had just told me he missed me and wanted to see me. I also told him it normal for feelings to change since we’re no longer in the beginning phase we’re there’s sparks. I told him I didn’t want our relationship to end and asked him if he still loved me. He never responded he just left me on read. This was Thursday and it’s Saturday I don’t know what to think. Please any advice helps 

[spinstermanquee]

Gosh, Written, that is a humdinger of an event.  I can't predict what will happen but I do know this:  if a man values you and wants to be with you he will show it and you will know it.

If he's not so into you there will always be an obstacle he claims is keeping you apart:  you're not pretty enough, you're not good enough, you don't earn enough or are not as ambitious as he is; your insurance won't cover his ____, your parents are _____ blah blah blah

You are good enough, and everything enough, to the guy who loves you just as you are.  I wish that for you <3<3<3

[Coily]

With the level of conflict between the two of you this is pretty grim looking for an on going relationship. Also with the mental anguish that you are going through, I have to ask, is that how you envision a life with this man?

[WrittenInTheStars]

37 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

Gosh, Written, that is a humdinger of an event.  I can't predict what will happen but I do know this:  if a man values you and wants to be with you he will show it and you will know it.

If he's not so into you there will always be an obstacle he claims is keeping you apart:  you're not pretty enough, you're not good enough, you don't earn enough or are not as ambitious as he is; your insurance won't cover his ____, your parents are _____ blah blah blah

You are good enough, and everything enough, to the guy who loves you just as you are.  I wish that for you <3<3<3

Thank you spinstermanquee! All my friends tell me the same thing. And I’ve thought about the fact that he doesn’t ever buy me flowers or do any romantic gestures.  But all of that doesn’t matter to me cause I keep on having hopes that he’ll come back to me and say he was wrong for thinking he didn’t love me. Am I wrong for that?

[WrittenInTheStars]

13 minutes ago, Coily said:

With the level of conflict between the two of you this is pretty grim looking for an on going relationship. Also with the mental anguish that you are going through, I have to ask, is that how you envision a life with this man?

I honestly felt that we had this conflict when we saw each other because we never spend time together so we never get to have argument or discussions since we’re almost always apart. I loved the idea of him being my forever person, when I’m with him I’m so happy I feel like we are so similar and mesh so well I would hate to see what we have come to an end. 😔

[Coily]

16 minutes ago, WrittenInTheStars said:

I honestly felt that we had this conflict when we saw each other because we never spend time together so we never get to have argument or discussions since we’re almost always apart. I loved the idea of him being my forever person, when I’m with him I’m so happy I feel like we are so similar and mesh so well I would hate to see what we have come to an end. 😔

I think you fell in love with the idea of loving him, rather than the man he is. That's a lot of pressure on you both, and I think he felt it. I think you need to take a deep breath and mourn this relationship, because if nothing changes in short order, you both will be sad and disappointed. I really wish that you two had nothing but sparks and butterflies when you were together; but life is tough.

[WrittenInTheStars]

53 minutes ago, Coily said:

I think you fell in love with the idea of loving him, rather than the man he is. That's a lot of pressure on you both, and I think he felt it. I think you need to take a deep breath and mourn this relationship, because if nothing changes in short order, you both will be sad and disappointed. I really wish that you two had nothing but sparks and butterflies when you were together; but life is tough.

Thank you I think you’re right it’s just so hard letting go with all the good memories we had together I just don’t know if I’ll get over this. 
 

Also update, he finally replied and said it’s been a lot of things that have happened and he doesn’t think it’s worth explaining. He also said I can see you are doing whatever you like. he’s saying that cause I turned off my location and posted a story of me in a concert. 
 

him getting upset over that makes me feel like he still cares

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but if you see somebody 4 times and 2 of those times you spend that time arguing, its clear that you are not really good for each other. You would probably discover that way before, but in LDRs, its hard to know the other person properly. Because its easy to be all good and exchange a few messages a day. And way harder when you are spending that time together and some things would come out on surface.

Sorry that he just throw everything away after a year and basically tried to ghost you. That should also tell you to what kind of a person you are dealing with. And that you should have left that relationship a long time ago.

Also please dont do this

4 hours ago, WrittenInTheStars said:

him getting upset over that makes me feel like he still cares

Him feeling dissapointed that you dont cry at home but have gone out on a concert to have some fun, doesnt mean that he cares for you. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, WrittenInTheStars said:

I feel like we are so similar and mesh so well

You don't mesh well if you argue this much and half the time you spend together, you are in tears. He comes and goes as he please, and you are melting down over it - that is the sign that you don't work as a couple at all. 

4 hours ago, WrittenInTheStars said:

him getting upset over that makes me feel like he still cares

Then you need to learn to distinguish between "care" and manipulation. He's not that into you but his ego likes that a woman out there falls all over herself for him. That's the difference. If he cared, he wouldn't belittle you, distance himself from you, and make you feel like you are the only one trying to keep this thing going. You do everything for him, and he does bascially nothing for you. 

It's time to face reality and let him go. This has no chance of becoming the relationship you want, and it's affecting you way too deeply. Cut him off, focus on healing, and next time, stick to local guys who aren't a plane-ride away. 

[Coily]

12 hours ago, WrittenInTheStars said:

Thank you I think you’re right it’s just so hard letting go with all the good memories we had together I just don’t know if I’ll get over this. 
 

Also update, he finally replied and said it’s been a lot of things that have happened and he doesn’t think it’s worth explaining. He also said I can see you are doing whatever you like. he’s saying that cause I turned off my location and posted a story of me in a concert. 
 

him getting upset over that makes me feel like he still cares

You will muddle through, it's going to suck hard at times, you'll have those moments where you question if it was for the best. Those moments will become shorter and more rare as time passes. Then you'll find someone who cares more passionately about you and your well being, more than this guy ever has, and you'll know it. Nothing will be perfect, but you won't have an argument every other  time you meet.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, WrittenInTheStars said:

 it’s just so hard letting go with all the good memories we had together

Sorry this is happening. You're right that there's too much drama to justify the few good times together. 

You'll feel a lot better when you free yourself from him and this situation.

[Jaunty]

Ugh, that was painful to read.

I'm sorry you're going through this unhappiness, but truly, this is NOT working. 

A tip for future situations:  Never, never, argue for 10 hours.  Or even 2 hours.   There is no purpose being served by indulging in that.  Nothing that wasn't sorted out in the first hour of a conflict is going to be resolved by hammering on it for many more hours.  It needs to be revisited for sure, but a different time and when both people are out of their defensive / combative / frustrated / hurt modes.

But that ship has sailed with this man.  

[WrittenInTheStars]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I know the best thing to do is follow your advice.

He just texted me and said if we can continue with the plans we had to meet up in February and talk about it there.

I’m thinking of going for closure.

[Batya33]

Closure ?  That is something you give to yourself. If you want to close off contact politely and maturely text him today and tell him that on reflection it’s a bad idea for you two to see each other again.  And wish him well.  That’s closing in a polite way.  Don’t play games with yourself about traveling to see him for closure.  You two haven’t been together for months now.  Nothing to close. 

[Jaunty]

52 minutes ago, WrittenInTheStars said:

 

I’m thinking of going for closure.

That's exactly what won't happen. Going to see him in person at this stage is literally the opposite of "closure" - more like ripping stitches out of a freshly sutured wound.  

At least be honest with yourself.  If you go it's because you are not ready to end it and you want to try to get things back on what seems like a good track.

[WrittenInTheStars]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

That's exactly what won't happen. Going to see him in person at this stage is literally the opposite of "closure" - more like ripping stitches out of a freshly sutured wound.  

At least be honest with yourself.  If you go it's because you are not ready to end it and you want to try to get things back on what seems like a good track.

I guess you’re right. A part of me wants to fix things but I know that may not happen so I also have to be prepared to end things with him.

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, WrittenInTheStars said:

I guess you’re right. A part of me wants to fix things but I know that may not happen so I also have to be prepared to end things with him.

In what way do you think things are still on at this point? I'd assume it's over so you can start moving on.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, WrittenInTheStars said:

I’m thinking of going for closure

No, no, nope. 

This is not you going for closure. This is you trying to hang on to something that is already over. Please don't do this to yourself. There is no reason to visit him at all anymore. 

Look, it's already finished, OP. You haven't accpeted it yet but this relationship is not going to go anywhere and he's made it clear that you aren't a priority in his life and doesn't want you to be his girlfriend. This is just not healthy for you, and you need to get away from him. You have wasted enough time and emotional energy on this.