Feeling Lost

[Douglas]

I need some relationship advice. My fiance and I have been engaged for six months, dated for two years before that, and were friends for five before that. We've been through alot together but as of late we've been spending less time together and she's been very distant. She broke off the engagement last week because she was struggling and loosing sleep due to the anxiety of the set date approaching.

Throughout our relationship she's been the one to keep me centered mentally and she still gives me joy and I really do love her and want to spend my life with her. But, in her own words she's reached a crossroads where by her own words she doesn't want to loose me as a friend because she knows I cant stay friends with EX's, which tells me that she doesnt want to be with me anymore, but also says she can see a future with us together.

I've given up alot for her and asked for nothing in return, gave up college to work a second job to make ends meet cause her anxiety made it so she cant work "a normal job", gave up a career in politics because she didn't want attention on her and her daughter (not my biological child but I love her like my daughter all the same), and left behind multiple groups of friends to spend more time with her.

In the end however, what matters the most to me is her happiness and the well being of her daughter. I've accepted that she might choose a path without me at this crossroads. What I don't know is what I should do. I want to support her no matter what path she chooses but I emotionally cant stay friends if we break up. It would cause me far too much pain to be that close to the woman I want to marry until those wounds heal eventually. At the same time, I don't want her to feel trapped in a relationship because shes afraid to "lose her best friend". I just feel really really guilty that no matter how this plays out shes gonna be in pain and that hurts me almost as much as the idea of breaking up does. I just dont see a way this could end without us both being in pain.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Douglas said:

I want to support her no matter what path she chooses but I emotionally cant stay friends if we break up. It would cause me far too much pain to be that close to the woman I want to marry until those wounds heal eventually. At the same time, I don't want her to feel trapped in a relationship because shes afraid to "lose her best friend". I just feel really really guilty that no matter how this plays out shes gonna be in pain and that hurts me almost as much as the idea of breaking up does. I just dont see a way this could end without us both being in pain.

Breakups are painful but divorce -especially with her child involved -is even more painful IMO and then you two will be even more attached.  You probably did more than you really wanted to to keep this going with a partner who has a disorder she says means she can't hold down a normal job, you put career plans on hold, you took on child-related responsibilities- perhaps she's lost respect for you since you've been too passive about asserting your own needs and having boundaries? 

Please don't react to those feelings of guilt- she knows full well you two can't be friends nor would it be fair to her daughter to keep seeing you around and knowing you're not going to be her stepdad.  Most serious relationships come with this real risk that if the romantic relationship ends so does the close connection generally. You will cause her more pain and pain to her daughter if you stick around. Also you've taken on more of a parental role with her so maybe that's why you feel more guilty.   I'm sorry.

[Kwothe28]

What did she contributed? Aside of having a kid from previous relationship and apparently not working? Let me guess: she was pretty?

Its not a big dig on you. Or people with kids from previous relationships or anything. Its just something that I saw multiple times. Pretty woman gets knocked up when she is young from some man. He leaves her soon after. So she focuses on finding "provider". Somebody who would work his ass off so she could live her life as she pleases. Possibly even somebody from her circle that has orbited around her for years. As she knows that man would do anything for her. But alas, pretty woman also has options. So when she gets bored she finds another one, and another one, and another one etc. 

I wouldnt stay friends. She would find some other schmuck to pay her bills soon enough if she hasnt got him already. You would just be more hurt there. You may not see it right now, but she did you a blessing. You dont need somebody who you would give everything only to be met with "OMG so much anxiety over organizing wedding, cant sleep, we break up". At the very least, she is ungrateful. And doesnt appreciate you. So, cut the cord and focus on yourself. In time, after you accept its over and without the burden of her, you should find yourself in a better situation overall. And then you can find somebody else who would appreciate you. Because this one is not that. And in time you will realize that yourself.

[Andrina]

The right partner makes your world bigger instead of shrinking it down with egregious sacrifices. As you can see, having a White Knight syndrome doesn't have the fairytale ending you wished for.

Really, it's insulting to assume she will crumble without you in her life, and as for her, she's manipulative, putting that worm in your ear that you two must remain friends. She could care less what that will do to your psyche. She's always been about what's best for herself, and you're too caught up in her current to even see this.

When you get time and distance away, you will see things more objectively. Don't even wait for her to make a final decision, because she is totally not good for you. You need to end things and go no contact to begin the mourning and then healing process. Painful for both of you? Of course, but who lives an entire life without painful experiences? Nobody is exempt.

And then go solo a minimum of a year and build a fulfilling life without a partner. Read books about what a good relationship looks like, so you don't repeat a toxic pattern. Reconnect with friends. You should always keep friends in your life so you don't make your partner the sole center of your universe--so unhealthy. 

Mistakes are okay as long as you learn from them. Good luck for a new, healthier 2023.

[Betterwithout]

This sucks for you.  With so many years together and history and being kind of a Step Dad it's hard to say goodbye.   

But this crossroads is delivered to you quite nicely.  You never asked for the breakup, but it's there and sadly you need to move on.  
It's no fun being a "friend" when you want more than a friend.  You already know this and you also know you the trapped feeling you will have.

It really sucks to move on, but it's your best course of action.

Life is too short.  You will move on and she and her daughter will too.

 

[catfeeder]

On 2/3/2023 at 12:11 AM, Douglas said:

...gave up college to work a second job to make ends meet cause her anxiety made it so she cant work "a normal job",

This was your big neon sign that this was never going to work out well with this woman. She's not stable enough.

[redswim30]

When you break up with someone, you aren't allowed to control their reaction or their behavior going forwards. 

She chose to break up with you.  That was her choice.  If she's losing things that matter to her, like your friendship, she had to understand that that was a possible consequence if she broke up with you.  It's emotional manipulation to say " I want to break up, but stay in my life so I still have you there", without considering how hard or upsetting this may be for you.  That doesn't sound like someone that cares very much about your feelings. 

It's NOT your job to conform to how SHE wants you to feel, respond, or behave in reaction to her breaking up with you.   It's totally unfair on her part to think she is allowed to dictate your actions, thoughts, and feelings. 

It's fine if she decided she doesn't want to be with you anymore.   It's YOUR choice whether or not to remain in her life.  Just as she needs to do what is healthy for her, you need to do what is healthy for YOU.  And if you know remaining in her life would be too painful, then you are correct to make that healthy decision for yourself.  Yes, it hurts, but that's part of breaking up. 

Please remember this-  " It's never wise to sacrifice your own well-being for someone else's comfort."