DairyJester Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 We have sex every day. And while we both initiate equally, the sex we have always comes out of my intitiations when the mood strikes for me, because I usually turn him down when he does. I'm incredibly attracted to him, so the only reason I turn him down in those moments is because I'm tired/distracted/bloated/gotta poop, or just not feeling it in that moment. For one, it's also a big mental shift for me. I could be laying on the bed, scrolling on my phone, and he will lay behind me and eventually start kissing my neck, feeling up my chest. On one hand, I know if we have sex, it's going to be fire. On the other, sex was far from my mind in that moment, so I just want to stay on my phone. But I know it's not good for our relationship to keep rejecting his advances, even if he "gets" sex at the end of the day. How do I give into his initiations at sex more? Quote Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 You have the right to say no to sex, OP. Don't try to make yourself "give in" when you are not in the mood. It's perfectly okay not to have sex every day if you don't feel like it. He will be fine. 16 minutes ago, DairyJester said: I know it's not good for our relationship to keep rejecting his advances, even if he "gets" sex at the end of the day It's also not good for your relationship to feel like you have to sexually engage every time he's horny. You get a vote here, too. There should be balance, and mutual understanding that both parties need to be in the mood. Does he get upset when you want to opt out? Quote Link to comment
DairyJester Posted February 2 Author Share Posted February 2 10 minutes ago, MissCanuck said: You have the right to say no to sex, OP... I should clarify that I love having sex every day. And no, he doesn't get upset. But I have to imagine he feels it's odd that the only time we have sex is only when his wife is horny, but every time he initiates, it's a no. Quote Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 Your post is confusing. He initiates and you say no, yet you're still having sex every day? How does that work? Quote Link to comment
Kwothe28 Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 3 hours ago, DairyJester said: How do I give into his initiations at sex more? Maybe stop looking at your phone and dont reject him because of that? 2 Quote Link to comment
DairyJester Posted February 2 Author Share Posted February 2 1 hour ago, MissCanuck said: Your post is confusing. He initiates and you say no, yet you're still having sex every day? How does that work? We have sex every day because I initiate every day. But there are times before I initiate that my husband does, which I always turn down. Quote Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 3 hours ago, DairyJester said: he feels it's odd that the only time we have sex is only when his wife is horny, but every time he initiates, it's a no. How long have you been married? It doesn't matter who initiates, it matters that you're both in the mood. 1 Quote Link to comment
DairyJester Posted February 2 Author Share Posted February 2 59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: How long have you been married? It doesn't matter who initiates, it matters that you're both in the mood. Almost two years. Quote Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 6 hours ago, DairyJester said: I should clarify that I love having sex every day. And no, he doesn't get upset. But I have to imagine he feels it's odd that the only time we have sex is only when his wife is horny, but every time he initiates, it's a no. If you know it's going to be good I'd say yes when you can - even if you're "on your phone" get up -go to the bathroom and get yourself ready/brush teeth and by then you might be in the mood -or ask him if you two can just cuddle. By analogy I might be deep into texting a friend but if my husband needs me to give him advice or hear him on an issue that came up or he wants to tell me a really funny story right then I am often NOT in the mood -I want to text my friend right then - but I will stop for him -stop what I'm doing, put the darn phone down and give him my full attention. However he knows if I am finally sitting down to eat a meal after making dinner or lunch not to disturb me other than in an emergency- that is my "thing" -but I balance this strong preference with "getting in the mood" the other times. Quote Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 4 hours ago, DairyJester said: We have sex every day because I initiate every day. But there are times before I initiate that my husband does, which I always turn down. So you turn him down and then initiate later on the same day? Is that what you mean? Quote Link to comment
Tiddytok5 Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 You can reject his advances all you want to. You are entitled to not have sex when you don't want to. Don't let anyone pressure you into having sex when you don't want to. I suggest that you dump this loser. He isn't respectful and only wants you for sex. Work on yourself and self esteem self respect issues in therapy. Quote Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 3 hours ago, DairyJester said: Almost two years. "Who initiates", "who turns down whom", etc. seem like a power struggle, not a sexual problem. Are there other areas in the marriage where it's a competition? 1 Quote Link to comment
DairyJester Posted February 2 Author Share Posted February 2 2 hours ago, MissCanuck said: So you turn him down and then initiate later on the same day? Is that what you mean? Yes. Or we'll have sex and he comes back later in the day to ask for a second round. Quote Link to comment
DairyJester Posted February 2 Author Share Posted February 2 3 hours ago, Batya33 said: If you know it's going to be good I'd say yes when you can - even if you're "on your phone" get up -go to the bathroom and get yourself ready/brush teeth and by then you might be in the mood -or ask him if you two can just cuddle. By analogy I might be deep into texting a friend but if my husband needs me to give him advice or hear him on an issue that came up or he wants to tell me a really funny story right then I am often NOT in the mood -I want to text my friend right then - but I will stop for him -stop what I'm doing, put the darn phone down and give him my full attention. However he knows if I am finally sitting down to eat a meal after making dinner or lunch not to disturb me other than in an emergency- that is my "thing" -but I balance this strong preference with "getting in the mood" the other times. I'll do this...sometimes. But I resent the notion I need to give up everything I'm doing everytime my husband asks. 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: "Who initiates", "who turns down whom", etc. seem like a power struggle, not a sexual problem. Are there other areas in the marriage where it's a competition? No. This is a sexual problem. Quote Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 1 minute ago, DairyJester said: I resent the notion I need to give up everything I'm doing everytime my husband asks. Is he doing absolutely nothing every time you ask? Quote Link to comment
DairyJester Posted February 2 Author Share Posted February 2 1 hour ago, Tiddytok5 said: I suggest that you dump this loser. He isn't respectful and only wants you for sex. Work on yourself and self esteem self respect issues in therapy. What the hell? Seems like people read the word "initiation" and project all the worst stories they've read about initiating sex onto discussions that are not comparable. I suggest you read my post more carefully again. I love my husband, he loves me, and this is a small issue I'm looking for reasonable advice on. Quote Link to comment
DairyJester Posted February 2 Author Share Posted February 2 3 minutes ago, boltnrun said: Is he doing absolutely nothing every time you ask? Sometimes. Other times, he is working or writing, but he's into me initiating by "distracting" him with sex. 1 Quote Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 So he's willing to give up everything he's doing when you ask. Quote Link to comment
DairyJester Posted February 2 Author Share Posted February 2 27 minutes ago, boltnrun said: So he's willing to give up everything he's doing when you ask. There are some times he has to turn me down, which I understand and accept. Quote Link to comment
Coily Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 He will drop everything to have sex, yet you have an excuse until you are in the mood? It really does sound like a power struggle. Over time this will build resentment and eventually affect how he views sex. It's not that you don't have the right to refuse, it's that he will start seeing sex as you taking away his equality in the marriage. On occasion follow his lead, or if you want to wait for the evening let him initiate no matter how horny you are. 1 Quote Link to comment
Jaunty Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 You need to accept his advances regularly if you value the relationship. If he's 100% awkward with his timing (I doubt that but ...) then give him a couple of guidelines, like "after I get home from work I need a couple of hours to decompress before I feel sexy" or similar. Quote Link to comment
Betterwithout Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 11 hours ago, DairyJester said: I could be laying on the bed, scrolling on my phone, and he will lay behind me and eventually start kissing my neck, feeling up my chest. On one hand, I know if we have sex, it's going to be fire. On the other, sex was far from my mind in that moment, so I just want to stay on my phone. I know I am going to sound simplified, but do you sometimes prefer your phone to sex? Maybe try keeping the phone out of the bedroom? If not that....I would say that turning down's someone safe, loving and consensual sex advances is fine on occasion, but if they get more frequent....power struggles and self-esteem might start becoming your new relationship issue. Quote Link to comment
DairyJester Posted February 2 Author Share Posted February 2 16 minutes ago, Coily said: Over time this will build resentment and eventually affect how he views sex. It's not that you don't have the right to refuse, it's that he will start seeing sex as you taking away his equality in the marriage. On occasion follow his lead, or if you want to wait for the evening let him initiate no matter how horny you are. 12 minutes ago, Jaunty said: You need to accept his advances regularly if you value the relationship. 7 minutes ago, Betterwithout said: I would say that turning down's someone safe, loving and consensual sex advances is fine on occasion, but if they get more frequent....power struggles and self-esteem might start becoming your new relationship issue. I see what you all mean. I'll try to accept more. Quote Link to comment
Betterwithout Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 3 minutes ago, DairyJester said: I see what you all mean. I'll try to accept more. Great! While you're at it, can you also talk to my wife about initiating more? 😆 Quote Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 2 Share Posted February 2 My ex husband turned me down regularly. He would say "I can't PERFORM!" like I was asking him to sing show tunes or something. It made me feel unattractive and like I was bothering him. After an entire year of being turned down I gave up. We never had sex again. And we ended up divorcing partly because of how awful it made me feel about desiring my own husband and getting rejected. Whatever is on your phone won't disappear if you go back to it later. Prioritizing your phone might actually make him feel bad. 2 Quote Link to comment
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