Selfish partner?

[Hello12345]

As I write this I am solely looking after our 7 month old baby whilst my partner is away with his friends for over a week. His friend is wealthy and paid for a once in a life time trip for him that I didn’t want him to miss but at the time I agreed to this my partner said he would book us a nice holiday which hasn’t happened. This is due to the fact I’m pregnant again and therefore we need to save all the money we can! However, I’m feeling very bitter that I am suffering bad sickness due to pregnancy and looking after our baby on my own whilst he is away with no holidays to look forward to.

My partner also mentioned a stag do that he wanted to go on next month (it’s my cousins so I felt I couldn’t say no) he didn’t tell me he had booked it or say official dates. However I’ve just seen that he has paid for flights for him and my 2 brother in laws to go for 3 nights without consulting me. To make matters worse it’s the week I return to work (I’ll be almost 5 months pregnant then!) and will once again be looking after our little one alone.

is he selfish? Should he consult me? I really wish he would book a nice break for me as I could really do with a night or two away.

apart from this he is a great dad and works hard. He has said he won’t be able to have time off for scans for new baby and only took 4 days off work when our daughter was born last year. I try to understand then get annoyed that he is able to take time off for holidays for himself. 
 

I’ve been through a lot. A really hard first pregnancy, traumatic birth and now struggling with pregnancy again and I just wish he would make me feel special and book something nice for me to do. It’s not fair that he gets all the trips and the breaks and I’m struggling every day 😢.

am I being unreasonable? 

[Cherylyn]

Yes, he's extremely selfish and no, you're not being unreasonable!  Yes, he should consult with you and better yet, instead of consulting with you, it would've been most impressive had he exercised wise judgement in the first place whether or not you didn't want him to miss out.  Your partner is not thinking about how you feel, your nausea and taxing responsibilities with baby care.  He needs to get his head checked! 😡

You need to have a serious discussion about your partner going ahead and doing what he wants without placing any importance on you. 

A real man would've used common sense and passed on trips and partying given you have a 7-month old baby and even if you weren't pregnant with baby #2.  Congratulations btw!

[Batya33]

I find this too much -do you have family help (I did not when I had our son).  Yes the once in a lifetime one week trip I totally get - but no he has to do his part and that means yes to work trips if he has to and yes to an occasional social night out -if you get the same -meaning you get time to yourself (unless you are nursing on demand etc) if he does-but if you have an infant and are pregnant then it's time for him to hunker down and be with you and doing stuff around the house -whatever needs to be done and/or child care especially since you work outside the home.

Yes you could have said no to the stag do -it's a multiple night trip, not a wedding ,totally optional. 

I solo parented a lot when my son was an infant -because my husband had to commute for the first 4 months for his work - and he would spend two nights away even though it was tight with his schedule so he wouldn't be away overly long.  It was really hard! I'm very sorry you have morning sickness/sickness.  I had to take care of my son alone when I was sick/unwell and it's no fun!!

Sit down and try to have an adult conversation -use I statements "I feel badly when I am home alone with our baby and feeling unwell from this pregnancy and you are out of the house and I have no one available to support me, help with the housework, give me a break to take a real shower or eat a real meal or take a nap."  He needs to step up more.  I agree.

Edited to add -I wrote all of this without the benefit of reading Cheryln's input.  First, I agree completely.  Second this should show you that your expectations are more than reasonable when two other mothers express almost exactly the same sentiments and opinions!

[Kwothe28]

I wouldnt say "selfish". Maybe just "priorities arent in the right place". Some people who got used to "bachelor life" have a harder time to adjust to marriage life. So, as a result, he maybe thinks he "deserves" a vacation alone with his buddies before the baby no2 pops. But it is extremely concerning to leave a small baby and a pregnant wife alone. While he goes up there, probably drinking and doing God knows what. Its very reckless at best. For example what if you need help and somebody to drive to hospital? Again, it shows that his priorities arent there. Even his "4 days of the work" thing when you had a baby, sounds more like he would rather spend time at work. For example my brother in law is extremely busy man. But he still manages to make time to help my sister. Even when he is at work. Its not that difficult if you have priorities in place. Your man just maybe doesnt. Or else he would take you to that vacation you deserve after or before you born him his second kid.

[Coily]

How long have you tow been together?

I have to agree with Kwothe, if this is all new to him it’s very difficult for some people to adjust to the new dynamic. Is that an excuse? No. But it’s vital in a relationship to try to look at the other perspective.  If he’s been used to doing everything on his terms for quite a while he needs a nudge.

Now personally I think he should have been more mindful of you and his child in these travel plans. That he hasn’t doesn’t make him a villain per se, just you two need to work on communication.  Hopefully you can get through to him without him feeling trapped.

[Batya33]

I don't see the newness.  Even if she found out she was pregnant with number one two months in that still means over a year with a pregnant partner then a new mom, and  then pregnant again with an infant.  And um it takes two to make a baby so if it rocked his world to have a baby he didn't have to help create another one so fast.

[Cherylyn]

I solo parented with a preschooler son and infant son.  It was due to my husband's frequent business travels and often times he was gone for 2 weeks at a time.  Those were very hard years.  My mother, sister, friends and neighbors would drop off home cooked dinners on my doorstep which was a godsend.  (I do the same for others.)  However, my husband never took a leisure trip, never went to a stag party nor anything of that sort.  Never, never.  

Whenever my husband was home, he helped me with EVERYTHING without being asked.  Same situation when he was in grad school for years. 

Have a long talk with your partner.  Set him straight.  Hopefully, he'll change for you now and in the future. 

The greatest thing a husband (or partner) can do for his children is to love and respect their mother.  This can't be further from the truth!  Teach your partner that statement until he memorizes it verbatim.

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, Hello12345 said:

My partner also mentioned a stag do that he wanted to go on next month (it’s my cousins so I felt I couldn’t say no) he didn’t tell me he had booked it or say official dates. However I’ve just seen that he has paid for flights for him and my 2 brother in laws to go for 3 nights without consulting me.

Is nice that he was able to 'get away' this time... But, in this case above, is where communication comes in.  Yes, this is where he should have taken you into consideration and, did he really need to goto this one? 

My first ex did this a lot.  I was in the same position as you.  Had a todler and another on the way.  But he was always out w/ hid friends, always drinking etc.  This only lasted so long, until I realized I'd had enough of it all.

We all need a break now & then or we can end up burned out 😕 .  How about you take off for a day or weekend before this next one arrives?  is that possible? Like spend time w/ family or friends?

After it arrives will be a diff story, for sure. Is good that he's a good dad.. but mom needs help too sometimes.

[MissCanuck]

Yes, it was selfish of him to go ahead and book another trip without really talking to you about it. Plain and simple. 

5 hours ago, Hello12345 said:

He has said he won’t be able to have time off for scans for new baby and only took 4 days off work when our daughter was born last year.

Is he requesting time off for these trips? 

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been together? How old is he? Unfortunately he's acting like a bachelor. Just making unilateral plans for trips and partying. And sadly you're doing the heavy lifting of trying to be a family by yourself.

It's time to discuss that you're a family now and need to attend to those responsibilities first. If you allow this to go on, he'll just keep partying and sticking you with all the parental and household responsibilities. 

[Tiddytok5]

Dump him.

 

He has no interest in being a parent nor husband.

 

Please stop having children with him. Stop allowing him access to you at all.

 

 

Also, you need to let your body heal properly.. instead of having xes when your body nor you isn't ready just because you're in fear of him leaving.

 

Divorce him.

 

He doesn't have an interest in being a husband nor father. He wants to be single and without the responsibility of a wife and children.

 

 

He also is cheating

 

Leave him, go to therapy to learn how to respect and love yourself.

 

 

Do better

[Lambert]

Is he selfish?  Yes.  He's a father of a young child, with a pregnant partner and he's off on guys trips.  This is not cool.  He has vacation time for fun with the guys but not his kids and mother of his kids?

You probably feel bitter because you are being a total doormat.  Acting like things are ok, you know they are not.  

What did you guys agree to when you decided to have children together?

[smackie9]

He's a young father, but he's no mind reader...you said yes to him going on a trip...to him that says everything is OK. He's a man not a woman...he doesn't know what pregnancy is like, or that you are suffering. You don't have to be the nagging wife but you can COMMUNICATE to him honestly. let him know every detail of your physical pain, sickness....and for the love of god, ask for help! and learn to say no that you really need him, that you can't do this on your own. Stop with that "Well he should just know" that's being unfair to your partner. Talk to him, set boundaries, make requests, work through it. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

He's a man not a woman...he doesn't know what pregnancy is like, or that you are suffering.

It's up to him to find out what he can even if he's not in the same position.  When my husband had hernia surgery which I've never had -and it's different for a man - I gathered information about the procedure, aftermath, pain meds, talked to him, was supportive etc -of course partners might go through things the other one never will -my husband lost both his parents he was so close to -I've only lost one of my parents and we were not close -but I made it my business, my heart's goal -to be there for him. 

A man who conceives a child with a woman doesn't get this much of a pass just because he is a man who can't experience pregnancy.  And with technology today it's so much easier to research or even do telehealth/virtual appointment with the OB/caregivers and learn.  

[boltnrun]

A casual friend of mine told me he didn't think much about what a woman goes through with pregnancy and giving birth. Then he witnessed his own wife giving birth. He rushed up to me a few days later and said "I have so much respect for you and all mothers. I really had no idea how tough it is to have a baby!"

It's a choice to educate yourself. If he thinks it's no big deal to be pregnant and caring for a very young infant it's because he hasn't bothered to find out. And I wonder why he keeps wanting more children when he doesn't seem to regard pregnancy and child care very highly.

[smackie9]

Bad mothing the guy being insensitive/selfish is counter productive. Correct things by making him understand instead of standing there with your arms folded. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Bad mothing the guy being insensitive/selfish is counter productive. Correct things by making him understand instead of standing there with your arms folded. 

For sure -as long as he is open to understanding and learning.