Getting married soon but we hardly have sex

[DJ1996]

We’ve been together for 8 years now and we’re getting married in July. We have two children, age 6.5 and 18 months. My partner has very little interest in sex, it can happen once every month and if I didn’t initiate it, nothing would happen. We’re so incompatible on that front but it’s so important to me I don’t know what to do?!

we have two children together, and we’re so happy as a family. But I feel so rejected and undesirable to her. She knows all of this, we rarely argue but when we do I make my feelings clear that I struggle to feel a connection/spark in a relationship that feels like a good friendship.

She loves me more than anything, I know that. She just had a very low sex drive. She’s tried sex counselling and it helped a bit for a short time. She has a stressful job, works crazy hours (she’s a teacher) so during term time sex is a no-go. We both work full time, so after sorting the kids we’re very tired every day. 
 

I don’t know what else I can do. I want to be a happy family, I’m trying so hard, but the rejection and the lack of intimacy is so hard for me. I find myself wondering if I’d be happier in another relationship with someone more intimate but love her, and I couldn’t imagine not being with my kids. Help!

[nublu2]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation but I can relate. 

I suggest you read up on asexuality and see if anything resonates. I have found some very helpful information here:  https://www.asexuality.org/

Good luck. 

[Tiddytok5]

Dont marry.

End the relationship.

 

You two aren't compatible.

 

That's the only solution.

 

Unless you stay in a sexless marriage...which will only cause you to cheat

[Kwothe28]

53 minutes ago, DJ1996 said:

We’re so incompatible on that front but it’s so important to me I don’t know what to do?!

Maybe not marry somebody you know you are incompatible with when it comes to sex drive?

That is why you look very hard when it comes to partner. By the username you probably started dating when you were very young. 1,5 years later you got the kid so I would assume that its not really something planned to happen. And that you cruised along as a family from then. But instead of working on your problems(well she tried but problem is still there) and maybe going away if you are not compatible, you make her another kid? With wedding on the way?

I am underlining that because at some point you would have to face the choices and the consequences of your choices. Where either:

a) You stay there for the marriage and family sake but as a consequence you live unsatisfied life at least when it comes to intimacy

b) You separate and maybe find somebody where you can be happy. But with the consequence of losing her. Kids would always be there even if you separate but you would just not raise them together.

Not an easy choice, I get it. Whatever you choose has severe drawbacks. So, its up to you what are you gona do.

[Batya33]

What help does she have with the kids - what do you do to help with the kids and around the house.  What do you two do to be affectionate? Do the kids sleep through the night? I don't think she's asexual -I think she's exhausted.

[Capricorn3]

My money goes on it's a hormonal issue - which is very very common after having a baby and sex drive goes out the window.  (Yes, I know the baby is already 18 months old).  I would strongly advice she goes for a full medical check-up and blood works etc.  If it is hormonal, it would be easily sorted out.  I think a full medical check is the least she can do. Hopefully she's open to it. Good luck.

[boltnrun]

Presuming the lack of sex goes on for the rest of your life, do you still want to marry her?

[tattoobunnie]

Welcome to every relationship where there is a full-time working full-time mom, cuz even if you work full-time, you still have to feed, clean, care for, tend to little people put to bed, wake up, plan their schedules, work with yours, and make time for yourself if there is any.

It's not hormones or low sex drive.  It's called being touched out by little people after having to working in a currently toxic environment in the US, where they are constantly being described as "groomers"

I mean, do you pitch in with their afterschool activities, pack their lunches, do their laundry, fold and put away, clean the bathrooms, dishes, and vacuum without being told, make the playdates, cook dinners, lunches, breakfast, pay bills, create the list and get the groceries, plan romantic dates and schedule childcare? 

Nothing shrivels up that libido like a partner doing just the minimum, while needing to be reminded, then applauded for everything they do.

You want more sex, do more so she can be in the mindset to get her freak on.  Or else it's just a pile of dishes and laundry and work that's just clogging up her headspace.