lonely in a relationship

[hurricanetortilla]

i have been dating my current partner for less than a year, but it’s the longest relationship i’ve had to date. i met them online and decided to study abroad in their city for several reasons, but mostly to be with them. however, despite us living closer than ever, i feel more distanced from them than ever. i learned a lot of things about them after i’d already committed to study abroad and arrived in the u.k. (their home country), some of which would have made me hesitant to come if i had learned of earlier. most of them aren’t that big of a deal, but sometimes it feels like they’re really adding up. i’ve also been feeling pretty lonely and depressed recently since i’m away from my family and most of my friends. i have made friends here, but i still feel very lonely, especially since my partner and i aren’t able to hang out much because of their mental health and family situation. i feel like *** for getting upset about it, since they are legitimately trying and i feel needy trying to get their attention so i just let myself be lonely. i love them very much, but sometimes i wonder if it would be better for us both if we broke up. i still have several months left here before going back home and i hate spending it being sad. the few times i’ve brought up that i want to see them more often have been met with defensiveness. i don’t know what to do. i love them but i feel trapped. on the other hand, the thought of them no longer being in my life makes me incredibly sad. how do i always manage to get myself into these sort of situations?

[Kwothe28]

52 minutes ago, hurricanetortilla said:

i learned a lot of things about them after i’d already committed to study abroad and arrived in the u.k. (their home country), some of which would have made me hesitant to come if i had learned of earlier. most of them aren’t that big of a deal, but sometimes it feels like they’re really adding up.

Yeah, that is the negative of online relationship. Its easy to be all good when you exchange few messages a day and some phone calls. And you think how the other person is great and a perfect partner. But when you get to know them in person, you see its far from truth. If you dated them in person from the start, you would have noticed those "red flags" sooner. But you were long distance so it was harder or almost impossible to notice as some things you can see only in person. 

Also, if you dont feel good in your relationship, then you should break up. There is no point to be in one if you are not happy in it.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, hurricanetortilla said:

i met them online and decided to study abroad in their city for several reasons, but mostly to be with them. however, despite us living closer than ever, i feel more distanced from them than ever. i learned a lot of things about them after i’d already committed to study abroad and arrived in the u.k. (their home country), some of which would have made me hesitant to come if i had learned of earlier. most of them aren’t that big of a deal, but sometimes it feels like they’re really adding up

So, you sound emotionally invested, even though it has been a short time... but you got to know them- sadly, not in the right way.  Yup, is often how it goes when you don't know them at all in the sense of 'real life'.

 

I feel, your whole situation is bringing you down.

First of all, this is not your home,  You are studying here.  And if this is how they are now, with you having met them, then isn't it best to walk away from all of this asap?  No more dragging this on.

So, you continue with your studies, keep up with your family and the friends you've got there, presently.  You just need to 're adjust' the whole thing.  you can do this! 😉 

 

[hurricanetortilla]

thank you for the advice! you both make good points. i think at this point ending the relationship might be the best choice, because while it will hurt, it will save us both more hurt in the long term. i don’t think i will stay in the u.k. past when my studies are finished at this point, to be honest. my main concern about breaking up with them is how they’re already in a bad place mentally and i fear i would make things worse. what i will likely do is talk to a therapist and a friend or two to help me figure things out before i do anything to make things as easy as possible for us both.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, hurricanetortilla said:

some of which would have made me hesitant to come if i had learned of earlier. most of them aren’t that big of a deal, but sometimes it feels like they’re really adding up.

What have you learned? And what isn't adding up?

[hurricanetortilla]

it’s not that anything isn’t adding up; they are exactly who they said they were, no lying. what i meant is that the small differences in our personalities/preferences are adding up. there’s just some more personal things that aren’t actually bad but just a bit incompatible with what i pictured in my life, if that makes sense. a big part of that is how much more affectionate they seemed when we were long distance vs now, which could be them being comfy, but when i brought up that i missed them being more affectionate they apologized and said it just didn’t occur to them without making an effort to actually change. i’m a very anxious person so that sort of thing is important to me and it seems like it’s just not to them. again, they could just be forgetful. they also didn’t get me a christmas gift when i tried really hard to make theirs perfect, just a promise of buying me something that i don’t have a lot of hope for.

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, hurricanetortilla said:

a big part of that is how much more affectionate they seemed when we were long distance

That's just it - digital affection isn't the same as real life. Anyone can type words. Actions show you where their heart is at, and that can only be learned in-person. 

8 minutes ago, hurricanetortilla said:

they also didn’t get me a christmas gift when i tried really hard to make theirs perfect

This isn't forgetfulness. This is someone who just isn't into you the way you are into them.

I am sorry. You have discovered that you two don't mesh well in real life and they aren't the person or partner you thought they would be. Had you ever met prior to you moving there? 

[hurricanetortilla]

that makes sense, honestly. they have said stuff like they‘ll never find anyone better than me, and i honestly don’t think they’re lying about that. some of the lack of reciprocation can be chalked up to mental health and outside things, but idk. i sometimes feel like they need me, but not want me yk? 

 

i had not met them prior to moving, due to us both being pretty young (i’m 20 for reference) and just circumstantial reasons.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, hurricanetortilla said:

. i’ve also been feeling pretty lonely and depressed recently since i’m away from my family and most of my friends.

Sorry this is happening. You seem quite homesick so your idea to finish your semester then return home seems to be the best option. This relationship doesn't seem to be working either so retuning home seems like a win-win situation for you.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, hurricanetortilla said:

i had not met them prior to moving, due to us both being pretty young (i’m 20 for reference) and just circumstantial reasons.

I see. Unforunately, you made a pretty big life choice based on zero offline experience with this person. Think of it as signing a rental agreement when you've only ever seen picutres of the apartment and neverr stepped foot inside. 

Since you have found out that they are not who you thought, it would be best to end this now. You are way too young to commit yourself to a relationship that fizzled out when the distance was closed. In the future, don't involve yourself in situations where you can't meet the other person quickly and more regularly. You can see now how the fantasy didn't stand up in reality, so you will be better-equipped to steer clear in the future. 

[catfeeder]

I would not wait to find a 'right time' for a breakup, there is no such thing. Breakups are hard enough without assuming a false burden for someone else. If this person is mature enough for a relationship, then they are mature enough to handle a breakup or to access the help they may need to cope. That's not your job.

It's natural to feel sad, but you'll also be free to place your focus on making new friends and doing well with your studies.

You can turn this situation around and make this trip become a great experience if you put your mind to that. It's typical for students to feel homesick and not too thrilled during a first semester in a new place. Resilience is a crucial life skill that CAN be learned--and there is no better skill to acquire.

Head high.

[boltnrun]

On 1/28/2023 at 10:42 PM, hurricanetortilla said:

how do i always manage to get myself into these sort of situations?

What does this mean? Are you in the habit of getting yourself attached to online presences rather than interacting with people in real life?