Jump to content

Cheating Past


Tom224
 Share

Recommended Posts

You're dating someone for more then a few months.  You find out they have a past history of being unfaithful and on more than one occasion.  What would you need from your partner to feel comfortable enough to stay?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How did you find out? If it was from them, you need to ask them why they were compelled to cheat. You have to use your judgement on whether you can believe them or not. If it was from someone else, the knowledge might eat you up as well. It’s best to have an open and honest conversation about it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would want to know the context and most importantly what is their view on their past and what do they plan to do or what work have they done on themselves to be a person who chooses loyalty over giving into temptation or being too lazy/weak to end one relationship before starting another one. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

32 minutes ago, Tom224 said:

You're dating someone for more then a few months.  You find out they have a past history of being unfaithful and on more than one occasion.  What would you need from your partner to feel comfortable enough to stay?

Red flag. You have to understand that cheaters are not going to change their ways for you. As they are unable to have accountability, they always put it in a way that its never their fault. "The other side neglected them", "You were on a brake", "You are not that serious", anything that would make their concience at ease. Heck, I bet that if you found out from her, you got a bunch of excuses too.

Also, "red flag" is a warning label. That means that if you decide to stay, you are accepting somebody who would call her ex for a "quckie" at the first sign of trouble between you two. There is no "comfortable enough" with the people like that. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Being faithful is a virtue. And she is literally telling you she doesnt have that virtue.

Is it the same girl?

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Tom224 said:

You're dating someone for more then a few months.  You find out they have a past history of being unfaithful and on more than one occasion.  What would you need from your partner to feel comfortable enough to stay?

Nothing.  I wouldn't date someone like this in the first place.  Reject. 

Shop around.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 hours ago, Tom224 said:

.  What would you need from your partner to feel comfortable enough to stay?

Unfortunately the onus is on you to either accept their past and move forward or not get involved in the first place if their integrity is an issue. People can't change their past so it's not about what she needs to do, it's about either you accept her...or you don't. In this case her past history upsets you so it may be best to let go.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Once could be a horrific mistake, but beyond that shows they have no accountability or respect for their partners. Especially if they are over 25.

Ultimately you have to look at the risk you are willing to take in a relationship with someone like that. In a new relationship the odds are 50/50, but with this knowledge it's at least 60/40 they will cheat (and closer to 80/20 from the sounds of it).

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

18 hours ago, Mick17 said:

How did you find out? If it was from them, you need to ask them why they were compelled to cheat. You have to use your judgement on whether you can believe them or not. If it was from someone else, the knowledge might eat you up as well. It’s best to have an open and honest conversation about it.

This is a really good question because it's very telling of their nature 
a) if that person told you right up from that they were unfaithful, that means they want to build trust and are owning their mistakes and being open an honest of their past mix ups.  However, there is a still the possibility that you will also get cheated on, and that is something you will often left to wonder.
b) if you heard it from someone else, personally speaking, I would end the relationship because red flags are red flags.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, Tom224 said:

Let's say it's not something they readily brought up.  More like in conversation you ask if they have been unfaithful and they say 'yes'.

What led you to ask such a question?  I don't think my husband and I have ever asked that question of each other's pasts - we were never married before we got married but had serious relationship. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

30 minutes ago, Tom224 said:

Let's say it's not something they readily brought up.  More like in conversation you ask if they have been unfaithful and they say 'yes'.

You are stepping into a beehive if you prod like that. You have to decide if the answer is something that you can live with, or would rather not continue with her. It sounds like you are understandably concerned by knowing that. I would say trust everyone until they demonstrate they are not worthy of your trust, but tread lightly in this case. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

42 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What led you to ask such a question?  I don't think my husband and I have ever asked that question of each other's pasts - we were never married before we got married but had serious relationship. 

Brought up a story about my friend who was cheated on and seeing her demeanor change.  After a week it was bothering me enough to ask. Probably should have just let it go. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, Tom224 said:

Brought up a story about my friend who was cheated on and seeing her demeanor change.  After a week it was bothering me enough to ask. Probably should have just let it go. 

No.  You should be able to ask or talk to someone about anything.  That's part of learning about a person and deciding if they are someone you want to be with. In this instance, her demeanor changing but not saying anything and waiting for you to say something is probably the best indication that she will keep secrets.

I am one of those people that thinks, "once a cheater, always a cheater".  And I feel this way because I have never cheated on anyone.  I am the type of person that ends a relationship before starting another.... I just think it is so cruel to cheat on someone.  It is so selfish and skanky.  I don't think there is much a person who is a habitual cheater can do to make me comfortable.

I have a friend and she will cheat.  She has been cheated on and she has cheated on boyfriends and her ex-husband.  She dates guys that are "taken" and she sees it as putting her needs first.  She thinks everyone cheats, so why shouldn't she.  So that is a glimpse into the psyche of a regular cheater.

I personally think, she is wrong.  But her thoughts support her experiences and my thoughts support mine.  So if you don't want to be cheated on don't date a cheater. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wouldn’t like being asked by a new person in my life if I ever cheated on a partner. I’d wonder why I was being asked and what baggage the person had that may have prompted it. I’m not into letting it all hang out and believing I’m entitled to hear all about a new person’s past which is why I asked why this came up.
He shared an anecdote and I believe not to test her and she chose to reveal in her reaction that perhaps she had cheating in her past.  I agree with his choice to follow up FWIW. 

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

I am one of those people that thinks, "once a cheater, always a cheater". 

Me too.  Call me what you want  "judgemental" or "closed minded", but I think most cheaters who don't have integrity or strong moral fibre to begin with don't change. 
Also, as someone who has been cheated on, and experienced it first hand, it is the most painful thing I have ever experienced in all my decades.  I would never want to take that risk again.
My ex cheated on her next fiance, and then with the next boyfriend as well.  Sadly, I think she sees cheating as a normal pattern to enter new relationships.

I wonder if a bank manager would hire an ex bank robbery felon for a bank teller position?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sounds like you are looking for a reason to stay with her and trust her with your heart. You cannot get that from us unfortunately.

What we can give you is information so you can try and see for yourself.  I suggest you read up on cheaters as much as possible IF you want to continue seeing her. Why do they cheat? What are their personality traits?, Signs and symptoms? Basically educate yourself so you can go into this eyes wide open.

 Cheaters are incredibly selfish in most if not all aspects of their lives.  Sometimes small ways and other times in big ways.  Low level of empathy, substance abuse issues, poor self control, poor impulse control, puts themselves in compromising situations, low self esteem.  These are just some of the things you might see in a cheater.  Of course men and women often times cheat for way different reasons/justifications too.

  She was honest with you so that is something.  If it happened years ago and she is a different person now then it is possible.  It is true that once a cheater always a cheater because like killing someone you will always be a murderer but people can change if they WANT TO but if they make excuses and don't take responsibility for their actions it will happen again and again.

Lost

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...