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Wife (you only met 3 times) touring your home..


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What are your thoughts…
Your husband invites a guy and his wife over he works with to your home that you’ve only met maybe 3 times. They are not at your house maybe 10 minutes and the wife ask your spouse if they can show, their brother and sister in law (they were in town for the weekend) your house. The spouse lets them… well, you get motion sent to your phone from cameras and you think it is odd so you question your spouse about it when you get home. WELL, your spouse does not think much of it nor’ does he say anything to his friend and his wife just says he understood how it made you feel and that was the end of it (never expected him to say anything, he’s not that type of person – but I did inform him I would probably say something if/when the time came).

 Anyway, so this past weekend the couple that came over while you were out of town comes over and mentioned something about wanting to send a picture of your son doing something and saying “I’m sure you saw him because your husband mentioned how the cameras send you motion and sound etc.) so you take that as your moment to make the comment “so is that why your wife took it upon yourself to tour my home” and a conversation ensues about how they didn’t think much of it, that your spouse didn’t mind and apologized but they ended up leaving after I made the comment I made.

But, now your husband is at work and the guy is acting weird toward him because of the comment you made so…. I can’t be the only one who feels like that was just really weird and would feel uncomfortable about the entire situation. I feel like he is unbothered by it and doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong, where as I am like… just don’t think that’s cool, it makes me uncomfortable and now he knows in future how I feel about letting random people into our home, work friend or not…

  

 

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I think this drama could have been prevented if you'd talked in advance about your expectations.  Did you? People have different sensibilities about this sort of thing.  My husband wanted his colleague who I knew well enough to be able to use our shower while here on a business trip since he was trying to make it a day trip and not book a hotel.  I told him it was ok but that I also felt uncomfortable having someone in our home since our house is cluttered.  (Turns out he didn't need our shower). 

When my son was young we often went to our friend's home for holiday dinners and my son wanted to go upstairs -follow the cat! - I think we asked permission but it was obvious that it was totally ok with them -their house was "open" to anyone who wanted to go upstairs even though the holiday meal was downstairs.  

I spoke to my husband in advance that if maintenance comes he should close the door to our bedroom since they are not working in our bedroom -I feel more comfortable that way. Husband would not have thought to do that which is fine.

I think it sounds like you didn't  talk about this in advance and so I think it's fine for your spouse to choose to show his guests the house without checking with you.  It's his home too. I think the comment you made to the wife was uncalled for and thoughtless especially since your husband works with the husband.  

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9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think this drama could have been prevented if you'd talked in advance about your expectations.  Did you? People have different sensibilities about this sort of thing.  My husband wanted his colleague who I knew well enough to be able to use our shower while here on a business trip since he was trying to make it a day trip and not book a hotel.  I told him it was ok but that I also felt uncomfortable having someone in our home since our house is cluttered.  (Turns out he didn't need our shower). 

When my son was young we often went to our friend's home for holiday dinners and my son wanted to go upstairs -follow the cat! - I think we asked permission but it was obvious that it was totally ok with them -their house was "open" to anyone who wanted to go upstairs even though the holiday meal was downstairs.  

I spoke to my husband in advance that if maintenance comes he should close the door to our bedroom since they are not working in our bedroom -I feel more comfortable that way. Husband would not have thought to do that which is fine.

I think it sounds like you didn't  talk about this in advance and so I think it's fine for your spouse to choose to show his guests the house without checking with you.  It's his home too. I think the comment you made to the wife was uncalled for and thoughtless especially since your husband works with the husband.  

That's the thing, he didn't tour the house with them , he just kind of trusted her to show her two guest she brought with her our home, and I feel like it's weird, I would never take it upon myself to show someone that came over someone else's home... I would of waited until my husband was done doing what he was doing and then asked if he could show them around.  Because if something was stolen etc. he would never know, and it's just an invasion of my privacy and I wouldn't feel that comfortable in anyone's home showing someone a house that isn't mine, if that makes sense.

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I dunno, I am maybe from different country and small town, so we are maybe "more friendly" in our community. But somebody, who you maybe even dont know, coming over with somebody you know, to see your garden, or maybe something you did at home, is not that out of the ordinary. My Grandpa and Grandma had a very nice garden. Lots of people came over to see, even to take flower pettals, for their own garden. Or for even something at your home. I remember when I was a kid, my moms friend took my mom and me to see "Spanish Wall" to her friends home because we wanted to do the same. Its not that out of the ordinary, if they wanted to show something to their brother and his wife, to do it in that way. Though in todays time, they could have just, you know, take a picture. 

Is it a risk that your husband did it that way? Sure. But if nothing happened, there is no harm there. You should have taken it with your husband who let them do that. Because they didnt do it without permission, he explicitly let them do it.

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I think it's kind of weird but I also don't think it's worth any drama.  I wouldn't have said anything - what would be the point, it was already done.

Just talk to your spouse about it so it doesn't happen in the future.

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13 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I think it's kind of weird but I also don't think it's worth any drama.  I wouldn't have said anything - what would be the point, it was already done.

Just talk to your spouse about it so it doesn't happen in the future.

Thank you, I thought so too! I think for me it was just super weird and wanting to know how she was so comfortable, but I get everyone is different but it bothered me so I felt weird not saying something. And it was never in a way to start drama but just to inform her like yea that wasn't cool and made me uncomfortable kind of thing and she seemed understanding. I think going forward, he won't let it happen again because he didn't realize that it bothered me. 

 

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I just don't see the risk of someone stealing something because of the work connection especially.  I would not have said anything in the circumstances because it could affect his work relationships.  I'm glad you've resolved it and are moving on.

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I've experienced coworkers stealing from people at work so there's no guarantee a coworker won't steal. But, I would have taken the issue up with your husband and not with the wife of the coworker. Work relationships can be tricky. 

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This comment...

3 hours ago, SunshineBaby7 said:

so you take that as your moment to make the comment “so is that why your wife took it upon yourself to tour my home”

Does not quite square with this one...

43 minutes ago, SunshineBaby7 said:

And it was never in a way to start drama but just to inform her like yea that wasn't cool and made me uncomfortable kind of thing and she seemed understanding.

The former is aggressive, retaliatory, and operates under the presumption that someone did something inarguably wrong to you. The latter is bringing up feelings to clear up a misunderstanding.

Given that this couple quickly left your house and that your husband's coworker is now being "weird" with him at work, I think it's safe to say that they processed the comment more as an attack on their character than anything else—as, honestly, I would have in their shoes as well.  

I get that you felt threatened and disempowered by what your security revealed to you, which, in essence, was a difference between you and your husband in terms of who you each feel can be unsupervised in your home. I'm glad you two have come to a resolution and greater understanding on that front. I also think a simple and sincere apology for your initial reaction is in order. 

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I agree with @bluecastle.  I read your reaction to them as aggressive and accusatory.  Which was uncalled for since your hubs and co-owner of the house gave permission.  What did you expect them to say to that?  It's clearly an issue between you and your spouse that you blamed on the wife.  Which she probably meant as a compliment because someone would like your decor.

I don't see a lot double dates happening with them in the future.  And now your hubs pays the price.  I am not sure if he took it this way, but you also kind of emasculated him in front of them.  Like he isn't allowed to give permission. 

I just wonder what the value of saying anything was, especially since you didn't know them very well.  Even if they asked again, hubs could handle it, knowing now that you didn't like it.  

Probably was an interesting conversation in the car on the way home for them.  I would probably try to find a way to apologize to them and your husband.  To be a team, you have to present as a team.  Let him handle work friends.

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I agree with @smackie9.  The answer is NO.

It's not only weird, it's creepy.

Long ago,  my late father invited a man named Ralph to our house for dinner after meeting him at a restaurant!  At the time,  my subservient mother often cooked dinner for Ralph during his multiple visits to our house and he and my father would drink together at our house.  In my young mind,  even back then, I thought that my father was far too trusting to the point of very abnormal. 

As Ralph built trust with our family,  bringing us Christmas gifts,  playing his saxophone and flute and befriending us over the next several years,  he became bold by getting too close to us.  For example,  when my father was at work on a weekend,  Ralph insisted upon driving my mother, siblings and I to the mountains for the day.  As children, we were excited and apparently my mother trusted him.  He drove us in my mother's station wagon.  It was a long drive and that day went without incident. 

After the day trip to the mountains,  several months later,  Ralph insisted upon driving ONLY me to the mountains for the day and my mother was alarmed so she adamantly said, "NO."  I wouldn't have been surprised had Ralph raped me somewhere in the mountains,  took me for a hike and conveniently tossed me on the side of the cliff claiming it was an accident.  I would've been left for dead and wouldn't be typing this reply at all. 

I wished my parents would've severed the friendship with Ralph but they didn't.  When I was 13 years old,  one evening when my father was still at work,  Ralph showed up on our doorstep unannounced with a black eye!  😲 His eye was black 'n blue, all purple, very swollen and obviously someone got mad at him for whatever he had done.  His excuse was,  "I bumped into something."  Yeah, right.  🙄

My mother was busy in the kitchen cooking dinner.  He sat on our living room sofa with a jacket covering his lap the whole time but every single time my mother and siblings left the living room, he would lift up his jacket.  I'll spare you the gory details.  He did something egregious and nefarious.  I was sitting across from him on another sofa with a coffee table between us.   I didn't know what to do.  I calmly got up, summoned my mother and whispered in her ear in the kitchen about what Ralph had done.  She immediately told him to leave, hurriedly ushered him out of our house,  he acquiesced, she locked the door and bolted it with a chain.

(My mother later told me that a very bad incident happened to her by someone whom she didn't know well when she was 20 years old.  She could relate to me.) 

My mother told my father what had happened when I wasn't within earshot.  I never saw any reaction out of my father and there was no mention of the "incident" whatsoever in our household.  He donned his best poker face all the while.  We never saw Ralph again and I had always wondered how he never returned.  Years later, after my father died,  I mentioned Ralph to my mother and she told me what had happened.  She said my father was so outraged and infuriated that he chased Ralph down somehow.  There were no cell phones nor computers back then.  He somehow tracked down and found Ralph's brother and contacted Ralph's brother most likely by phone or in person;  I do not know.   My father told Ralph's brother to convey my father's verbal message to Ralph.  According to my mother, whatever my father told Ralph's brother to tell Ralph was so scary that Ralph never showed up on our doorstep again.  Not that he would but I think my father basically conveyed the message to Ralph's brother that if Ralph ever dared to appear on our doorstep again, he'd kill him.  I don't know how he would kill him but my father was very serious about making sure Ralph never bothered us again for the rest of our lives.  Ralph received my father's message loud and clear. 

For all the horrible things my late father did to my mother (wife beating, heavy debts, alcoholism,  cheating), the ONLY GOOD thing he did before he died was to make sure we never saw Ralph's face again.  My late father protected us from beyond the grave because Ralph feared my father's wrath and the conveyed message from Ralph's brother to Ralph did the job.  Ralph never risked nor dared to show up on our doorstep ever again.   My family and I owe our protection and safety to my late father.  I'll give him that. 

(My father was a chain smoker, too.) 

There was another time when my father was so naive and far too trusting.  My mother was alarmed because every single time it was closing time (brick and mortar store my parents owned), this guy friend of his would follow my father around like a lost puppy.  He would stand there and chat with my father as my father counted cash at the cash register at day's end.  Turns out one day, there was money missing from the till.  Another time, this same guy stole money from my father's friend.  My father chased him down in another county and publicly humiliated him in front of a lot of people and forced him to hand over the stolen money right there on the spot in front of everyone.  My father asked my mother, "How did you know?  What tipped you off?"  My mother told him how naive he was and any odd behavior should be a tip off.  Plus, again, my father didn't know this guy that well either.  My father heeded gut instincts nor intuition which got him and us into trouble.  My mother is extremely perceptive. 

Not that my story will happen to you but you simply do not allow people in your life especially if you don't know them well because you never know what could happen.  It's too risky and there's potential for a very dangerous scenario for you, your family and household in one form or another.  Associating with people whom you don't know well is a gamble you could very well lose.  Best to use common sense and protect yourself from harm's way.  Better safe than sorry.

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21 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I agree with @smackie9.  The answer is NO.

It's not only weird, it's creepy.

Long ago,  my late father invited a man named Ralph to our house for dinner after meeting him at a restaurant!  At the time,  my subservient mother often cooked dinner for Ralph during his multiple visits to our house and he and my father would drink together at our house.  In my young mind,  even back then, I thought that my father was far too trusting to the point of very abnormal. 

As Ralph built trust with our family,  bringing us Christmas gifts,  playing his saxophone and flute and befriending us over the next several years,  he became bold by getting too close to us.  For example,  when my father was at work on a weekend,  Ralph insisted upon driving my mother, siblings and I to the mountains for the day.  As children, we were excited and apparently my mother trusted him.  He drove us in my mother's station wagon.  It was a long drive and that day went without incident. 

After the day trip to the mountains,  several months later,  Ralph insisted upon driving ONLY me to the mountains for the day and my mother was alarmed so she adamantly said, "NO."  I wouldn't have been surprised had Ralph raped me somewhere in the mountains,  took me for a hike and conveniently tossed me on the side of the cliff claiming it was an accident.  I would've been left for dead and wouldn't be typing this reply at all. 

I wished my parents would've severed the friendship with Ralph but they didn't.  When I was 13 years old,  one evening when my father was still at work,  Ralph showed up on our doorstep unannounced with a black eye!  😲 His eye was black 'n blue, all purple, very swollen and obviously someone got mad at him for whatever he had done.  His excuse was,  "I bumped into something."  Yeah, right.  🙄

My mother was busy in the kitchen cooking dinner.  He sat on our living room sofa with a jacket covering his lap the whole time but every single time my mother and siblings left the living room, he would lift up his jacket and without giving you gory details, did something egregious.  I was sitting across from him on another sofa with a coffee table between us.   I didn't know what to do.  I calmly got up, summoned my mother and whispered in her ear in the kitchen about what Ralph had done.  She immediately told him to leave, hurriedly ushered him out of our house,  he acquiesced, she locked the door and bolted it with a chain.

My mother told my father what had happened when I wasn't within earshot.  I never saw any reaction out of my father and there was no mention of the "incident" whatsoever in our household.  He donned his best poker face all the while.  We never saw Ralph again and I had always wondered how he never returned.  Years later, after my father died,  I mentioned Ralph to my mother and she told me what had happened.  She said my father was so outraged and infuriated that he chased Ralph down somehow.  There were no cell phones nor computers back then.  He somehow tracked and found Ralph's brother and contacted Ralph's brother most likely by phone or in person;  I do not know.   My father told Ralph's brother to give him a message.  According to my mother, whatever my father told Ralph's brother was so scary that Ralph never showed up on our doorstep again.  Not that he would but I think my father basically conveyed the message to Ralph's brother that if Ralph ever showed up on our doorstep again, he'd kill him.  I don't know how he would kill him but my father was very serious about making sure Ralph never bothered us again for the rest of our lives. 

For all the horrible things my late father did to my mother (wife beating, heavy debts, alcoholism,  cheating), the ONLY GOOD thing he did before he died was to make sure we never saw Ralph's face again.  My late father helped us from beyond the grave because Ralph feared my father and the conveyed message from his brother (Ralph's brother) that Ralph never risked nor dared to show up on our doorstep ever again.    (My father was a chain smoker, too.) 

There was another time when my father was so naive and far too trusting.  My mother was alarmed because every single time it was closing time (brick and mortar store my parents owned), this guy friend of his would follow my father around like a lost puppy.  He would stand there and chat with my father as my father was counting cash at the cash register at day's end.  Turns out one day, there was money missing from the till.  Another time, this same guy stole money from my father's friend.  My father chased him down in another county and publicly humiliated him in front of a lot of people, forced him to hand over the stolen money and then my father asked my mother, "How did you know?  What tipped you off?"  My mother told him how naive he was and any odd behavior should be the tip off.  Plus, again, my father didn't know this guy that well either. 

Not that my story will happen to you but you simply do not allow people in your life especially if you don't know them well because you never know what could happen.  It's too risky and there's potential for a very dangerous scenario for you, your family and household in one form or another.  Associating with people whom you don't know well is a gamble you could very well lose.  Best to use common sense and protect yourself from harm's way.  Better safe than sorry.

exactly, thank you for kind of understanding my point. I really do appreciate it and I am sorry you had to ensure such a thing, that must be very hard. 

 

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4 minutes ago, SunshineBaby7 said:

exactly, thank you for kind of understanding my point. I really do appreciate it and I am sorry you had to ensure such a thing, that must be very hard. 

 

 He's only met and worked for him 3 months too so it's not like he really knows him so I think that is also why it may bother me too, and how someone can be that comfortable not knowing us like that to walk into our home and just show someone around, I know when I mentioned it to my mom and a few friends even those with spouses they were like ummm no you have every right to feel the way you feel, so I think I could have went about it in a diff way but the way I said it was kind of joking back with him about him joking with me about the cameras, I wish you could realize the tone of my story lol because it may sound worse then it was if that makes sense.

 

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17 minutes ago, SunshineBaby7 said:

 He's only met and worked for him 3 months too so it's not like he really knows him so I think that is also why it may bother me too, and how someone can be that comfortable not knowing us like that to walk into our home and just show someone around, I know when I mentioned it to my mom and a few friends even those with spouses they were like ummm no you have every right to feel the way you feel, so I think I could have went about it in a diff way but the way I said it was kind of joking back with him about him joking with me about the cameras, I wish you could realize the tone of my story lol because it may sound worse then it was if that makes sense.

 

Always listen to your gut.  Your instincts and intuition are there for a reason.  Better safe than sorry. 

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I don't think it's as much of security issue as a privacy issue.  Once we were at a family reunion in a huge short term rental and one of hub's brothers wanted to see our attic room.  Well they were walking up the stairs side by side and I kept trying to get in front of them so I could put my ...um ...neck massager under the pillow before they walked in <<red face>>

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It could very well be a security issue.  Safety first always. 

Contrary to popular belief, most crimes or unfavorable incidents are committed by people whom you allow into your life. 

Always enforce common sense boundaries with people.

Beware. 

And, it's the "normal" looking people who are the sneakiest because they blend in better, don't stand out and nurture the relationship until you're blindsided. 

My late FIL (father-in-law) warned,  "Never let your guard down."  <== Wise man.

 

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45 minutes ago, SunshineBaby7 said:

I think that is also why it may bother me too, and how someone can be that comfortable not knowing us like that to walk into our home and just show someone around

But it sounds like the "someone" whose comfort level you find disturbing is your husband's. He felt these were trustworthy people and let them walk through your home unsupervised, while to you this choice was reckless. Isn't that the basic outline here? 

Are you guys now on the same page in terms of the criteria for when someone is no longer a security threat? Like, a coworker of 6 months, or a year? And how many times do you need to meet and interact with people to be comfortable in such a situation? 

Having all that understood and agreed upon by both of you seems to be the most important point, so that the discussions don't come at the expense of other people and of your husband's relationships at work, as did happen in this case. Per that, I really do think an apology is in order along with a promise to keep such discussions private in the future. 

 

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For me it isn't so much a fear they'd steal something but rather a privacy issue. The areas of my home that guests are welcome to be in are separate from private rooms (well, until now because I currently live in a studio where it's all one room). I don't want people traipsing through my bedroom or looking in my closet or opening cabinet doors in my kitchen (yes, my sister in law actually did this, she said "I wanted to see what you had". None of your business, lady!) When I visit people's homes I do not go into any rooms other than the area where the gathering is being held and the bathroom. 

I have to presume this topic hasn't come up between you and your husband before this, hence the mismatch. However, although I see your side of it and don't disagree, I DO disagree with saying something to the coworker's wife, especially if what you actually said is what you wrote here. That's taking it a bit too far IMO. Your husband needs to make a living and strained relationships with coworkers don't make things easier or pleasant.

BTW, length of time working together isn't necessarily a gauge of how trustworthy a coworker is. My brother worked with a man for two years before the guy scammed several employees out of $10,000 for a supposed "investment opportunity". Turned out the guy had gambling debts and he used the money he got out of his coworkers to pay some of them. 

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8 hours ago, SunshineBaby7 said:

 wanting to send a picture of your son doing something and saying “I’m sure you saw him because your husband mentioned how the cameras send you motion and sound etc.) 

Why are people touring your house or taking pictures of your son?  They seem quite weird. Ask your husband to not invite them over. 

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17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why are people touring your house or taking pictures of your son?  They seem quite weird. Ask your husband to not invite them over. 

To show her brother and sister in law our house (we just built it a year ago) but they've only been over like 3 times so that is what gets me, it's very weird.

 

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1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

And in addition to wanting to show your new house to their family, they were also taking photographs of your son and, later, asking for permission to send these photos to people? That part is a bit confusing. Can you clear it up?

I guess he was playing in the yard doing something silly and they wanted to send me what he was doing. But I even though it was odd to even be brought up because it was so random.

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