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How do I get over his past?


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My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now, we were friends for 8 years before we started dating. Shortly after we started dating I found on his search history while using his tablet he had visited one of those massage parlors for sexual favors, it was before we started dating but it still upset me. I confronted him he told me he went a couple of times while he was intoxicated and he didn't want to discuss it with me. However last year we were kind of off and on and we would get into fights, and I would always worry he would go to one of those massage parlors again. I was using his tablet and it says he went there last year, things are going good between us and we are moving back in together in a week, so I don't want to ruin  things by bringing it up. 

If I have this worry in the back of my head will it ever pass? I keep asking myself I know relationships are about trust. 

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You seem to think that if you push the problem under the carpet the problem would go away. It doesnt work that way.

What do you think it would happen if you dont have sex in a while? Or you just get into another fight? Would he get drunk with his buddies or alone and got into "massage with happy ending" again?

Its not just something that would go away and now that you know you would be more suspicious, not less.

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55 minutes ago, Palmtree0 said:

. However last year we were kind of off and on and we would get into fights,  we are moving back in together in a week, 

Sorry this is happening. What were the fights and breakups about? You may want to hold off living together until you can stabilize the relationship. Unfortunately his activities are more of a symptom of bigger problems.

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Well I think you probably need to think about whether you want to be with a guy that uses sex workers. I mean, he went to those massage parlours when he was single, right? So he didn't cheat on you or anyone else. So since he didn't cheat I guess it just comes down to whether you can be OK with him having gone to those places. I don't think it necessarily means he'll go there while you're together. I think some guys go to sex workers because they're single and don't have anyone to have sex with. Maybe now that he has you he's not going to do it anymore. But the thing is he HAS done it and that can't be changed. If you're not able to be OK with it then how can the relationship go on?

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Go with what your values are. I would not be romantically involved with someone who chose to get drunk and then chose to go to a massage parlor for sexual favors.  Certainly not if the reason was he was drunk or that "well I was single and wanted sex."

I might be friends with that person (even if the friend told me he'd done so but it would depend how long ago and whether he would do the same thing now because I find it gross that someone would choose to get drunk and then put him or herself in that position and visit a place like that especially with the health risks and the typical way those workers are treated).

It wouldn't matter to me at all if he was single at the time other than it would be worse if he wasn't.  I wonder if he then got tested for STDs? What does he think right now about what he chose to do?

I think certain women would actually be happy to be with someone with that practice -they may love to get drunk and use it as an excuse to hook up with strangers, they might have done sex work and enjoyed it, they might want to do a threesome or get a "couples massage" at one of those places.  But you're not ok with it and that's ok.  I once declined a 3rd date with a really handsome guy because he told me he used to go to strip clubs with clients in the past and get lap dances and while he doesn't go anymore he didn't think lap dances were cheating in a relationship.  I knew then our values didn't align.

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5 hours ago, Palmtree0 said:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now, we were friends for 8 years before we started dating. Shortly after we started dating I found on his search history while using his tablet he had visited one of those massage parlors for sexual favors, it was before we started dating but it still upset me. I confronted him he told me he went a couple of times while he was intoxicated and he didn't want to discuss it with me. However last year we were kind of off and on and we would get into fights, and I would always worry he would go to one of those massage parlors again. I was using his tablet and it says he went there last year, things are going good between us and we are moving back in together in a week, so I don't want to ruin  things by bringing it up. 

If I have this worry in the back of my head will it ever pass? I keep asking myself I know relationships are about trust. 

Hmmm, what made you look into his search history? I feel like if you were looking through his search history you almost have to prepare yourself that you are having trust issues, that is a big red flag for the both of you. I do not feel like I could be with someone if I cannot trust him and I am invading his privacy in that way. But to find what you found… I would be upset about it and going forward, I would not be able to trust him especially if I found something such as that on his phone history. I would always worry about it and think that if something happened later on down the road, would he feel the need to resort back to that parlor for favors if you upset him or he is tired of you… If it bothers you, I would maybe find ways to not think about it, maybe go to counseling possibly? I feel like because you both never “discussed it” it will always bother you mentally and emotionally.

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I think you are fooling yourself that things are good between you. You should rethink about being with a guy that uses sex workers, down plays it that he did, your decision to go through his search history, and things had been off and on. It's all adding up. 

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8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Go with what your values are. I would not be romantically involved with someone who chose to get drunk and then chose to go to a massage parlor for sexual favors.  Certainly not if the reason was he was drunk or that "well I was single and wanted sex."

I might be friends with that person (even if the friend told me he'd done so but it would depend how long ago and whether he would do the same thing now because I find it gross that someone would choose to get drunk and then put him or herself in that position and visit a place like that especially with the health risks and the typical way those workers are treated).

It wouldn't matter to me at all if he was single at the time other than it would be worse if he wasn't.  I wonder if he then got tested for STDs? What does he think right now about what he chose to do?

I think certain women would actually be happy to be with someone with that practice -they may love to get drunk and use it as an excuse to hook up with strangers, they might have done sex work and enjoyed it, they might want to do a threesome or get a "couples massage" at one of those places.  But you're not ok with it and that's ok.  I once declined a 3rd date with a really handsome guy because he told me he used to go to strip clubs with clients in the past and get lap dances and while he doesn't go anymore he didn't think lap dances were cheating in a relationship.  I knew then our values didn't align.

Well I actually think there is a difference between going to those places if you're single or you're in a relationship. Again, I did say in my post that it's up to the OP whether she is OK with being with a guy who went to those places. If she's not OK with it then there's nothing wrong with that. Also even if she wasn't OK if he'd gone to strippers, also nothing wrong with that. I agree at the end of the day it does come down to personal values.

You are actually right that some women would forgive that. For example I would but I wouldn't want my partner to sleep with other people while we are together. That applies to sex workers or could just be ordinary people. If my partner did it before but won't do it again because they're committed to me, then I can get past it. 

Maybe I have a different mindset because I have friends who are sex workers. One of my friends actually didn't do the work because she was homeless or a drug addict. She actually didn't really use drugs and she hardly even drank and didn't smoke cigarettes. Prior to that she worked as a travel agent but the travel agency industry was dying. I think she just wanted to make a lot of money after her travel agent job fell through. So in her case she wasn't doing it out of desperation or being exploited or sex trafficked or anything. But in my state where I live prostitution is basically legal and technically sex workers have legal rights. 

I guess what I'm saying is if a guy is single and he's not going home to anyone, the way I see it he's not actually hurting anyone. There are people who go on Tinder and just sleep with random people. They usually don't seem to be viewed as badly because they slept with those people for free.

I am only expressing my opinion though and I know not everyone would share it. I realise most people probably wouldn't lol But fact of the matter is OP's boyfriend has already been to sex workers before. So OP could ask him not to do it again and make him promise he won't do it. But if she doesn't trust him that he won't do it while they're together or she's just not OK with it, I think there would be no point to be in the relationship.

I think at the end of the day it comes down to whether someone thinks going to sex workers is bad just in and of itself. If someone went to sex workers and they said: "Well I went there because I was horny and I wanted sex". Well, that's why people go there, right? Lol It's not like they're using some kind of excuse like: "Well I was drunk and horny". This guy admitted to going there and he said why he went there. 

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Yes. If a single man goes to a sex worker it’s not as much of an issue as far as cheating or adultery. But for me personally that wouldn’t matter as far as dating that person because I wouldn’t have dated someone who willingly visited a sex worker for any reason at all.  on ethical and moral and values grounds. 
But I might be friends with a single person who had and might make that distinction as far as whether we had enough in common to be friends. 

when I was in my early 20s my then boyfriend went to a strip club for a bachelor party.  I was ok with him going and didn’t believe he’d do anything except look.  A few weeks later his friend said to me in front of my boyfriend that my bf had received a lap dance. Turns out he was kidding. But I was incredibly upset until I was told it was a joke. 
Honestly I don’t think back then I’d told him I’d consider it cheating - I don’t even know what I would think. When I was single I actually kissed a chippendales dancer on the mouth at a bachelorette party. To my understanding that was the limit of what a dancer would do other than maybe a no contact “dance”. One time. I was 19 I think. I’m sure I mentioned it to future boyfriends as a fun story but never thought I needed to. Because it was just a kiss. 
 I believed my bf because I trusted him and I also knew it totally wasn’t his thing at all. if he had had a lap dance I probably would have broken up with him. 
I really don’t care whether technically it’s not cheating to go to a sex worker while single - that’s not how my personal standards worked.  And I’d never tell someone else what to do upon learning that.  I have friends who were swingers or had open relationships and or multiple partners. None of my business. 

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I can't look at a person the same way anymore if I discovered there was a side to them which went against my values, morals and principles. 

They can do whatever they want.  However, I choose whom to associate with according to my preferences. 

 

 

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In a bizarre way him going to a sex worker may be less bad than say a Tinder Hookup or going to an ex, as it's just business; not an emotional bond or random stranger. I'm not endorsing it, but trying to think outside of the box a little.

It really comes down to how you want to deal with this, or anything else from his past. If the trust is broken, then don't try to repair it. But if you can look at it as a moment of being lonely and making poor judgement, then have a frank conversation about your reaction. Do not however put him down or insult him over this, nor let it be weaponized for later fights; as that will rot the heart out of your relationship.

You will also have to fight the urge to snoop into his past, if you want to build a future with him you have to trust his actions now.

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57 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I can't look at a person the same way anymore if I discovered there was a side to them which went against my values, morals and principles. 

They can do whatever they want.  However, I choose whom to associate with according to my preferences. 

 

 

Well I agree with this. And really the values can be anything - religion, veganism, treatment of pets, etc. I agree that for a relationship to be successful, values have to be the same or at least similar. And some values are bigger or more important than others. Going to sex workers is obviously a big thing and people can feel strongly against it because of their own morals and beliefs. It's different to having a problem with something small like having different music tastes.

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Just my suggestion would be this:

Can you possibly look past this? If the answer is "no", I don't think you'd be able to fully feel comfortable in this relationship.

If the answer is "yes" or "maybe", then you could have a very honest conversation with your boyfriend about this. You could say it makes you feel uncomfortable and you don't agree with going to sex workers. Say you really want to be able to trust your boyfriend and you hope he won't break your trust and won't do it again. If he reassures you that he won't do it then you can give him a chance. But that would mean you would really need to try to trust him. So you can't get suspicious of him all the time after every argument and check his phone and things like that.

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3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well I agree with this. And really the values can be anything - religion, veganism, treatment of pets, etc. I agree that for a relationship to be successful, values have to be the same or at least similar. And some values are bigger or more important than others. Going to sex workers is obviously a big thing and people can feel strongly against it because of their own morals and beliefs. It's different to having a problem with something small like having different music tastes.

 

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

 

Absolutely and yes indeed, @Tinydance

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