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I don't know what this is.


Anaiss
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I'm not very good with this sort of thing, so I'm going to apologize if this kinda gets rambly.  I'm 34 and I've been going out with this guy (37) for about five months now.  For sake of future brevity I'm going to call him Samuel (which isn't his name...but brevity).  We both work as a college, Samuel is a librarian, he works mostly reference desk, and some of the backend digital cataloguing and I'm basically a glorified clerk in the registrar's office.  We met at a school function about 8 months ago, he was very funny, and charming and though he would feel embarrassed by me saying it, I think Samuel's quite handsome.  Initially we'd just you know go to lunch at the same time at the on-campus canteen or commissary or whatever, and then we'd go to like the shows that the college would put on (you know plays, performances, the occasional concerts).  About five months ago we had what I suppose was like a real date...it was off campus, it was a movie, we stopped somewhere to eat afterwards (nothing fancy just Dairy Queen) we talked until the poor staff at the Dairy Queen said they were closing.  He drove me home and he said he'd like to go out some more with me and so we did.  On our third 'date' I kissed him and he looked astonished.  I kind of laughed it off and he very politely said 'thank you' which I thought was sweet.  Our next date he brought me this big bouquet of flowers.  I thought it was very endearing and after the date we stood at my front door and talked and held hands and I kissed him, and he again kinda looked confused before he sorta smiled and in a very hesitant way he kissed me back it was very sweet, nothing very much just a chaste little kiss goodnight.  We go out together about weekly (sometimes more), we take walks, sometimes we go to shows, or go to restaurants or fairs or whatever...but I came to notice, that he's very cautious, like I have to reach out and then he'll hold my hand, I have to hug him, before he'll embrace me, I have to kiss him before he kisses me and his kisses are always very...simple.  In fact it's all been quite humble, until recently I'd been in his place, and he's been in mine, but it's always sorta like to wait while the other one gets ready.  Never there to be there.  We don't make out, and we didn't do...much more than hug, and hold hands and kiss. Which is, you know, fine for what it is; it's very sweet, and innocent, very comforting and I guess in some ways a very sedate form of intimacy.  When I hold his hands, he always gives me this very pleasant smile, like it's the best thing in the world, when I kiss him he always acts like it's the first time he's ever been kissed.  When we hug it always feels so warm and comforting and he's very gentle and sweet.  

 

Anyways it's been five months and on New Years we went to a party a work friend put on.  It was fun, we had a nice time and he's even really quite flirty with me.  Which at first surprised me but I like it, we danced a little, and he's giving me these wry grins and I think I see this sparkle in his eyes and at one point he puts his hands around my hips (which was something he never had done before) and midnight comes and we kiss, and the party breaks up and he takes me home and we're standing in front of my place and it's late and we're holding hands.  He's still got this really flirtatious attitude and it's past midnight and I just look up at him and I see him dressed up nice, and being handsome and he's got this sexy smile on his lips, so I hug him, and pull him in close and kiss him with a bit of gusto.  And he looked at me absolutely flustered, and I ask him if he wants to come in, you know for a little bit, and he kinda waffles and says that it's late and he has to drive across town and there's lots of people that probably are drunk.  So I say 'you could stay over night with me...'  and then he says he doesn't want to impose.  Which I think is very sweet and I laughed a little and then thinking maybe he didn't understand what I meant, I lean in and kiss him again, with a little more oomf and tell him that he would not be imposing.  And he still waffles and says that it probably wouldn't be wise. 

I won't lie, that hurt.  But I'm an adult, and so I say, 'ok, well, fine'.  And I can see in his eyes, that he knows he's missed something, and he's trying to apologize but look, I'm an adult it's whatever, sometimes you misread signals.  Anyways he asks if I want to go out again the following week (last week), and I say sure.  I ask him what he wants to do and he says he hadn't really planned anything past asking me, so I suggest he come over to mine, for supper and movies or something...and he is all 'I don't think that's fair...'  so I suggest I go to his for supper and he's all like 'I'm not that good of a cook'...and I suggest we just order in something and watch movies or play games or whatever...which he agrees to.  

So last week, I show up, we order some pizza, we play some video games, we watch a movie on his couch and for the first time we're snuggled close together and it is amazing and the movie ends and as he's getting ready to get up to take the bowl of popcorn in, I kiss him, like I did a week earlier.  And he sort responds in kind but it's kinda...so-so...and after that I nuzzle up against him, and he's just looking at me, and I don't know what it is but it's like he's just frozen, like he's trying to figure out what he's meant to be doing. 

This situation lasts for a few minutes before he seems to snap out of it and very politely says that he should probably clear some of the dishes up and take them into the kitchen and I could choose another movie to watch.

So I say, 'I just want to be here with you.'  And he kinda is just sort of like lost in thought.  So I snuggle up against him and tell him that I really like being with him, and like being close and snuggled up to him and that I find him very attractive and I give him this kinda cute look and ask 'Do you feel the same?'  and he says he does and I go to kiss him again, and put my hand on his chest and he sort of just pulls away.  And I'm confused.  And he slips away and takes some dishes with him into the kitchen and he's gone for a few minutes, maybe longer, long enough that I'm like 'what the heck?' so I go looking for him and he's in the kitchen washing dishes.  I asked him what he's doing and of course he says he's washing dishes.  I'm like I can see you're washing dishes, why are you doing it now?  And he gives me this sheepish look and he's like 'well they were dirty and I might as well while I'm here...it's just some plates'.  At which point  I'm like, 'what's wrong, why are you hiding in the kitchen?'.  He says he's not hiding he just wanted to get cleaned up before the night ended. I ask if I can help, and he tells me that he doesn't need any help, and so I go back into his living room and after a bit he comes back and we watch another movie only this time he's very stiff (not like that), and after the movie ends he stretches and yawns and says it's getting late...and I'm starting to get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I look at him, and he seems to realize I'm a little hurt and he says 'if you want to stay over, you can...I have a spare room'.  I guess that was when I kinda lost my patience.  I said 'I don't want to be in a spare room, I want to be with you!  Don't you get that?'. 

He apologizes but I was just so frustrated and I got up and I just left.  I felt horrible.  This week he keeps sending me all these little gifts, flowers and chocolates and the cards all say that he's very sorry but I don't know if he even understands why I was mad.  I feel hurt.  And I'm sitting here thinking should I even feel hurt?  Like am I being the bad partner?  I really like Samuel, he's very sweet and I know he's not being malicious but I can't help but feel a little hurt when I'm sitting there firing flares off in all the directions and he just...kinda...ignores them.  I just don't get it, I've been in relationships before, usually you're beating the guys off of you with a barge pole....it was one of the reasons being with Samuel was so endearing, it felt nice to be with someone where it didn't feel like he was just there as a pretense to sex.  But I'm quite ready now to...increase the intimacy of our relationship and he just seems blissfully unaware...  It's not like I'm being friend zoned here, we kiss, we hug, and hold hands and we go on dates and he calls them dates, so it's not like he's accidentally thinking 'we're just friends'.  I just don't get it...  And he keeps texting and asking if we can see each other this weekend...and I don't know....          

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When you’re both in a calm head space sit down with him. Tell him you really like him, tell him you’re really attracted to him. Ask him if he’d like to explore more sexual intimacy with you? This way, no clues to get, just a direct question. 
 

You could add that if that isn’t something he wants to do you fully support that preference (although you may need to take some time apart to let your feelings cool because how you feel now, all the intimacy without the sexy is messing your head up a bit)

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7 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

When you’re both in a calm head space sit down with him. Tell him you really like him, tell him you’re really attracted to him. Ask him if he’d like to explore more sexual intimacy with you? This way, no clues to get, just a direct question. 
 

You could add that if that isn’t something he wants to do you fully support that preference (although you may need to take some time apart to let your feelings cool because how you feel now, all the intimacy without the sexy is messing your head up a bit)

 

I am not nearly as flared out about this now as I was then.  I might call him and just be like, can we meet somewhere and talk....

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He is not "blissfully unaware", he knows what you want, he deliberately puts it off from some reason. 

What do you know about that mans past? Or does he even, you know, "reacts" when you make out? We men are not really subtle about our urges and have a clear tell so you should have noticed. Because it seems to me that he is either:

a) very inexperienced so maybe doesnt want to dissapoint and puts it off because of that

b) has problems of some other kind

In any case you would need a serious talk about it. You clearly want sex and he from some reason does not. So that needs to be adressed as it creates an issue. So next time you are together you can tell him what you want and give him the chance to explain his reason why he acts in that way. 

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I wouldn't put it as wanting sex -I think you want the relationship to progress beyond just chaste kissing/cuddling -you want to feel sexually desired even if you don't actually have intercourse, right? I don't see you looking for sex for sex sake. What I do see is you being more forward and taking more initiative in asking him out and planning the dates-trying to plan private time/sleepover time, coming on to him sexually - than is typical and he's just sort of going along for the ride. 

I'm all for taking things slow but as my mom -who is in her late 80s -used to say to me when I was dating - "if he doesn't try to kiss you by the 4th date move on".  My mom dated very little and met my dad when she was 16 lol.  But she was right!  

I would say to him "I have a lovely time with you on our dates these past 5 months.  And I don't feel like you desire me romantically or sexually. That doesn't feel good.  When I date someone especially for a couple of months it's because we have romantic feelings for each other - like friendship caught on fire.  I don't date my friends and I am attracted to you as you know.  How do you feel about us?"  

 

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What is his relationship history?

You don't know what's going on because he hasn't communicated anything to you. Possible reasons? He's gay, but wants to enjoy a semblance of dating a woman because maybe he's afraid to live his authentic life. Or he was sexually abused as a child. Or he's asexual. Or he's experienced erectile dysfunction in the past and is afraid of a repeat and is delaying. Could be something else one would be surprised at.

It's all probably irrelevant because you might never get the truth, and there might never be improvement.

I'd just be frank and say in a mellow tone: I'm ready to be intimate. Is there a reason you're not?

And then listen. If his answers don't add up, and you don't feel like he's being honest and nothing progresses, you should just end things. Satisfying Intimacy is important, of course, so when he's not meeting those needs, it's a dealbreaker. Take care and give us an update if you care to.

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In the early 90s I met a man through a personal ad and he seemed great - smart, from a lovely family.  We went out a few times including to a Renaissance fair.  He still lived at home (late 20s) and I lived on my own in a cool part of town. He gushed all over me and introduced me to his parents -at their place of business which was a huge bridal shop lol.  Two other red flags. 

First he asked if his sister could crash at my place since she had a first date in the city I lived in.  I'd met his sister once for 10 minutes and found it bizarre that after two weeks of knowing me he'd ask if I'd let his sister sleep over my one bedroom apartment. 

Second -for the third date he drove in to my city -about an hour or less and the plan was for him to stay over. We knew we would not have intercourse - we didn't know each other well enough.  He knew I lived in a one bedroom.  He'd been there once I believe.  No pull out sofa either lol. 

When it came time to go to sleep he freaked out.  About sharing the bed.  He stayed allllll the way over on his side and was dressed in basically full footsie pajamas lol.  He actually was shaking.  I found this bizarro.  He wanted to stay over.  We knew we wouldn't have actual sex but to be that shaky and nervous about being in the same bed?  I cut my losses and moved on after that date.  I just didn't have the patience to deal with that level of issues plus the love bombing/weird ask about the sister.  Sometimes it's just not worth it.   

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8 hours ago, Anaiss said:

  I said 'I don't want to be in a spare room, I want to be with you!  Don't you get that?'. 

He apologizes but I was just so frustrated and I got up and I just left.

Sorry this is happening. You've already explained that you want intimacy and unfortunately he's sidestepping that. 

It's confusing that he seems to pursue you but isn't interested in intimacy. Clearly he's aware of what you want and keeps avoiding it.

You could talk to him yet again, but it may be time to simply reflect if you want to deal with the frustration of a reluctant man. 

Unfortunately you won't be able to fix or change him. He simply doesn't want what you want. Step back. Don't pursue him.

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I'm wondering if he is on the Autism spectrum?

I know that a huge characteristic of someone who has Autism is that they do not recognize social cues in the same way that "Neurotypical" people do, and so they often actually need someone to EXPLAIN to them, in detail, what EXACTLY the person wants from them.

They don't pick up on hints or "body language" - you need to be very forthright, clear, and SPECIFIC about how you're feeling or what you want.

I could be wrong, of course, but that was the first thing that jumped into my mind when I read your post.

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2 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

I'm wondering if he is on the Autism spectrum?

I know that a huge characteristic of someone who has Autism is that they do not recognize social cues in the same way that "Neurotypical" people do, and so they often actually need someone to EXPLAIN to them, in detail, what EXACTLY the person wants from them.

They don't pick up on hints or "body language" - you need to be very forthright, clear, and SPECIFIC about how you're feeling or what you want.

I could be wrong, of course, but that was the first thing that jumped into my mind when I read your post.

 

I mean I feel like, snuggling and kissing him on the couch is pretty obvious what I'm going for.  I talked to him this morning and we're going to meet up this afternoon and have a talk at a coffee place near by.  

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Just now, Anaiss said:

I mean I feel like, snuggling and kissing him on the couch is pretty obvious what I'm going for.  I talked to him this morning and we're going to meet up this afternoon and have a talk at a coffee place near by.  

But that's the point - it would absolutely be obvious to a NEUROTYPICAL person (someone who is NOT on the Autism spectrum), but, a lot of times, people on the Autism spectrum do NOT pick up on very obvious "clues", "hints", and "body language", and need things spelled out for them very CLEARLY and SPECIFICALLY.

I don't blame you one bit for being frustrated, and I'm glad that you guys are going to meet up today and hopefully have a productive conversation.

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49 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

I'm wondering if he is on the Autism spectrum?

I know that a huge characteristic of someone who has Autism is that they do not recognize social cues in the same way that "Neurotypical" people do, and so they often actually need someone to EXPLAIN to them, in detail, what EXACTLY the person wants from them.

They don't pick up on hints or "body language" - you need to be very forthright, clear, and SPECIFIC about how you're feeling or what you want.

I could be wrong, of course, but that was the first thing that jumped into my mind when I read your post.

I also wondered that!

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There could be any number of reasons he's deliberately putting space between you two. 

Maybe he is inexperienced or even a virgin. Maybe he's got some specific religious or cultural beliefs that discourage sexual intimacy before marriage. Perhaps he's got some sort of physical problems he's embarrassed by. Heck, maybe he's not even actually attracted to women but isn't being honest with himself about his sexual preferences. 

It's good you are going to talk. It's important to know now if you're on the same page about becoming intimate and what is underying his obvious avoidance. 

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We met today at a little coffee shop a little after lunch.  And we talked.  Like he started by saying he was really sorry about everything.  I told him not to worry about it in so far as having to apologize, but I also told him I wanted to talk about things.  I kinda led with like how I really like him and like hanging out with him and I think he's really sweet and kind and gentle, and I appreciate how he's been real casual about everything and laid back and how much fun I have when we go out together...but that we've been going out now for almost half a year (more depending on how you want to score this relationship) and that I want more from this relationship than hand holding, and hugs and kisses goodnight.  And I said that I'm just saying this now because I want to be clear as to that because being obvious wasn't enough.

 

And he said, "I'm not an idiot, I know that you want more." 

Which prompted me to ask if he wanted to be with me, which he replied that he was with me and I said that's not what I meant, I want to know if you want to be more intimate with me, do you desire me.  And I explained that when a girl starts sending signals as obvious I did they kinda expect the guy to respond and that when he didn't it hurt.  He apologized again and sort of acted uncomfortable and I asked what was wrong.  And he basically told me that our first kiss...was his first kiss...like...ever.  That he's never been with someone like he's been with me before.  And that he doesn't know what to do or how to be...and said he realized that it looked weird that he'd never been in any relationships before with anyone, and that if that was a turn off that he'd understand.  He just never brought it up because he really likes me and was super afraid I'd be weirded out by him. 

I told him that I didn't think he was weird, and that this information didn't hurt anything.  But that I was hurt because I thought he wasn't attracted to me.  I said most women my age don't think their boyfriends are that naive, they just think that their boyfriend doesn't think their sexy.  I told him that looking at him you would think he'd have had a lot of relationships because he's handsome. 

He just sort of shrugged and said that he has never been in a position to ask people out.  Or rather he never thought it was appropriate.  He said he never really got into any of the groups in High school and the girls there always had boyfriends or other relationships, and that in college he was focused on school and work, and he doesn't drink and didn't like sports and he was kind of quiet and kept to himself and he didn't want to impose.  That was a large part of his thing he said, was he didn't want to impose on someone else by asking them out, because 'people are busy and I didn't want to upset them by bothering them'.  I asked him if he ever had any crushes or anything and he thought so but nothing so concrete and they were always in some way unavailable.  I asked him if he has ever met someone he'd have liked to have asked out or that he thought was attractive and he said that he didn't think like that, people are just people, that if he's having a chat with a girl he doesn't even really clock that their a girl until after he's gotten to know them and befriend them...and he a lot of times doesn't think about them being attractive or not.  

I asked him if he thought I was attractive and he said that he thought I was very pretty, which is sweet but you know, not the same thing.  I asked him if he desired me, if he thought I was hot or sexy.  And he sort of gave me this vaguely uncomfortable look, so I told him that I thought he was very handsome and I explained about what happened at New Years and how I thought he was very sexy and that had made me want to kiss him and touch him and make him feel good and how I wished he would want to do the same to me.  He sorta blushed and I basically I asked him if he had urges and desires and if he masturbated.  He kinda got defensive and said that was kinda personal and I said 'well I want to be personal' but eventually he said he did masturbate, and I quote 'it's a good idea to clear things out on your schedule once in a while'.  I asked if he watched porn and he admitted to doing so, saying it 'helps speed things along'.  And then I asked if he ever thinks about me when he masturbates.  And he shot me this very hurt look and said 'that wouldn't be very appropriate would it?'.  I told him that I'm his girlfriend and that it's ok if he thinks about me when he's pleasuring himself, and that I think it's good if he's thinking about me when he's doing his thing...and I told him I think about him when I do it...  he said that it was different for me though because 'it's not skeevy when a a woman thinks about a guy like that'.  And I told him that I didn't think it'd be skeevy if he thought about me while touching himself, in fact I told him I'd probably find it kinda sexy.  Which made him blush even redder, his ears almost turned purple.  He said he didn't like thinking about that sort of stuff, really, he felt it was really intrusive, even if he never acted upon it, he felt it was intrusive to think about other people like that.  I told him that I was giving him permission to think about me like that if he wanted to, that I don't see it as an intrusion.

We kinda chatted a bit more on that topic for a bit with him sorta telling me he just didn't think it appropriate for a guy to think about a woman he knew in that way, because it changes how you act towards them and he didn't want to exploit my feelings.  I told him that we're in a relationship and that this level of intimacy is earned, and that I trusted him to respect me.    

At one point he basically said, that he was afraid to proceed because he really didn't know what to do, and he said he knew he was probably not that good at it, because he didn't think he was very good at kissing (which he's fine for what little tame kisses he's given me, not the best but I've had worse).  and then he kinda asked wouldn't I be happier with someone more experienced?  And I said that it doesn't work like that, and that we learn together what we like and what turns us on, and I told him I really wanted to learn what turned him on.  And I asked him if he wanted to learn with me....

And he sat there for a really long time, just sort of mulling it over and at the end kinda nodded.  And I asked if that was a yes, and he said yes...  I scooted my chair over next to him and hugged him tight and kissed him on the cheek.  Which immediately made him flinch, and I said 'we're not starting here in public!' and I laughed a little and he gave me a smile and I told him that we can go slow, we don't have to do everything straight away.  Just cuddling and snuggling and kissing is fine and we can see where that leads.  

 

Then he asked if I wanted to come over to his place tonight, to play some games or watch movies,  he kinda laughed and said 'we could Netflix and chill or whatever they call it' and that he was going to make spaghetti.  And I said, sure I'd come over.  He's very sweet, and I think maybe too respectful for his own good and I just hope...this becomes something fun for him....that it's something he enjoys....

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Called it lol

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. The problem isnt in whether you are attractive to him or not as you probably are. The problem is why he didnt even ask somebody out by the age of 37. And why he seemingly doesnt have an urge to have sex. 

For example you can be as patient as you are with him. But, its debatable whether somebody like that has urges like that. And its even more questionable how much compatible you are. When you have to practically beg him to even start having sex at all. 

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You can certainly give your conversation time to do its magic. In your shoes, two months max is what I'd give it. IMO, his deep-seated psychological issues are too extreme to be overcome. It could be that he's addicted to porn and self-satisfaction is an easy way out, so he doesn't have to prove himself to a woman. And he doesn't have to be emotionally vulnerable.

After hearing his version of things, I'm no psychologist but he could be asexual. Here is an excerpt that describes it: People who identify as asexual experience little or no sexual attraction to others. Asexual people, or “aces,” often identify somewhere on a spectrum that includes their emotional, spiritual and romantic attraction to other people.

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So..... I really hate to say this but I agree with Andrina. I hate to say this not because I dislike agreeing with Andrina - I agree with her the majority of the time and believe she put this perfectly- BUT I wish I believed that you should proceed with him and that "everyone deserves a chance/so what he's 37 and never had  a girlfriend or sex, etc". Because he is a well intentioned thoughtful and smart and caring person.

I agree with Andrina he is NOT boyfriend material.  And you are 34 -do you eventually want a good marriage and/or a long term partner and/or children?  This will be a risky and uphill battle with him.  And you are not 22 with tons of time (and of course if he was 22 and never had a girlfriend then well -sure, fine given his reasons -fine enough).  My husband was a "late bloomer" but not anywhere near that late, nor was it for the reasons your bf gave.  IMO your bf's reasons make little sense if he is a healthy, stable person when it comes to interacting with people and healthful romantic relationships. 

It speaks of deep seated issues relating to relationships and sex.  His reasons are bizarre and make no sense.  If he had friends while growing up and socialized at all he witnessed people "imposing" on other people by asking them out, including really busy people.  A man who wants to date a woman doesn't really much concern himself with imposing or concern himself with her busyness - he might decide a certain woman is "out of his league" or is busy dating half the football team so why bother -but men who like and are attracted to women with rare exception are laser focused on spending more time with that woman, one on one on a date to get to know her better - whether or not the focus is all sexual or only a tiny bit or somewhere in the middle. 

My really shy husband -really shy when he asked me out plus late bloomer -knew I was extremely busy -we worked at the same company - and was nervous to ask me out because he was shy but his desire to date me overrode all of that and he asked me out and chose kissing me over fear of being vulnerable, chose telling me how he felt about me, how he had serious feelings for me, how he wanted to take me on a week long vacation to disney world or paris (I chose paris lol) after dating a few months even though he had little experience, even though he was shy, even though I was busy and

Frankly he was "imposing" on me in the technical sense - I had to forego seeing certain friends as often, sleep, asking my supervisor for vacation time which wasn't easy -to have the time to spend with him and get to know him and see if we would be a good couple.  This is what people do who want to date and who want a potential relationship. 

They assume that the person they are asking to give up free time to see them will think it's worth it, they don't concern themselves with being so "polite" as to not "bother" a person they want to date.  His reasoning is out of thin air - I am sure none of his peers or his family ever told him such things.  I'd see this as a red flag.  

I'd take a pass on this one.  I'm really sorry.

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I wouldn't continue this, OP. 

You arent really listening to what he's saying, and instead making it more about you. All the questioning about whether he finds you attractive, if he thinks you're sexy and if he desires you are your ego talking. And I understand why you were seeking some reassurance, but you need to know when you to lay off a bit. Then you launched into questions about his personal habits that were clearly making him uncomfortable and trying to snuggle up to and kiss him in a public place, essentially ignoring all the signs that he does not like that. If you were trying to put him at ease, you were achieving exactly the opposite. 

I don't mean to be harsh, but you two are in entirely different universes here. You shoud not have to practically beg a guy to be attracted to you and show affection. This man sounds like he could be asexual, to be honest. He doesn't feel those things for you and being patient isn't going to change that. You have to read the very obvious signs that he doesn't want what you want, girl. Don't throw yourself at a man like this. Simply understand that this isn't going where you would like it go, and bow out gracefully. 

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Well I think you can still give him a chance and continue seeing each other and see whether it leads to intimacy. For whatever reason, after 37 years of asking nobody out, he has now decided to ask YOU out. So I think in that sense, yes you can stroke your ego lol Because even if he is asexual or has any other red flags, it seems he liked you enough at least emotionally to actually start dating you. I don't think he would be dating you if he didn't really like your company and you as a person. However it could be possible that he's asexual. It's not as common to be asexual but I did actually date someone who was basically asexual, and it was very frustrating.

I'm pretty sure my ex-girlfriend was asexual. Just for context, I'm a bisexual woman and at that time I hadn't been in a serious relationship with a woman. I'd very briefly dated some women or hooked up with women, but I wanted to actually have a girlfriend. I was 28 and I started dating this woman who was 27. She basically told me that she thought she might be asexual because she doesn't think of herself or other people "in that way". She said she masturbated only very rarely. She also said she didn't lust or fantasise after any people. But she did say that she'd only ever had sex with one girl and she had zero actual dating experience. For some reason I was in denial about what she told me. I really liked her and connected with her. I also for some reason thought that being asexual isn't really a thing and that she was just inexperienced. In my defence this was ten years ago lol

Anyway, I dated her for about two years. We did have sex a fair amount but it just never got better. It was always initiated only by me. She never seemed actually horny, she never talked about anything sex related. When we had sex she seemed uncomfortable and was acting kind of robotic. She was actually good and doing all the right things but she didn't seem present at all. Seemed very mechanical on her part. I remember one time we were in the middle of sex and I went to the bathroom. I was only gone a few minutes. When I came back, she had gotten fully dressed and went on her laptop. I was like: "You got dressed?" And she said: "Oh I thought we were finished". It really seemed like she couldn't wait to get out of it fast enough lol

After two years I ended the relationship due to the sex incompatibility and a few other reasons. Now my ex has been with her girlfriend for over six years. But they actually each have their own separate room! So I was getting the impression their relationship is more like a friendship and not really sexual.

I agree with the posters who said that if your boyfriend never asked people out or had sex, maybe he just didn't want it that much. Also people who are asexual do often want to be in romantic relationships. They want the emotional connection, companionship or even kisses and cuddles, bit they just don't want sex. I'm not sure if this is the case with this guy. I guess hard to know because he's never actually had sex before. So I'm not sure how it's possible to know exactly if he's asexual or not because he doesn't really know how it feels to have sex. Maybe if he had it, he might decide he really likes it. Or he might decide he doesn't need it.

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I don't think he's necessarily asexual - he likes porn and masturbates -and I don't think the issue is sexual -she's constructing it that way. I think his not asking anyone out till age 37 -and for the reasons given -show some sort of mental health/psychological issue that is still there -he asked her out but is not interested in progressing past going on dates and some chaste kisses/hugs.  He's also not interested in progressing emotionally and the flinching away from her is emotional and not just for sexual reasons.  Just like his odd/cold indifference - "oh you know I didn't want to impose/people are busy/asking someone out is bothering them" -that's odd and also an excuse to not be connected to another person.

Either he's not that into her particularly or it's part of the same reason why he never asked someone out.  Either way at this point I'd move on.

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I'm really glad I didn't read a lot of this before I went to see him last night. I'd have missed a wonderful evening with a really great guy.  The way some of you talk about Samuel you'd think he was a serial killer or some hyperabusive spouse or at the very least a neglectful lout.  I have no reason to disbelieve that he's just overly kind.  I do agree I have probably come on strongly but the people in this thread are largely getting the 'bullet points' of my interactions with Samuel, and as such I may be guilty of under-representing our conversations a bit for brevity and getting to the heart of the matter.  Samuel is very empathetic I think, maybe he's too empathetic.  He's probably not as assertive as some people on here's concept of the 'ideal man'...  

TinyDancer, I have met and know people who are on the ACE spectrum both male and female and you are correct, they can and do form loving, committed relationships with people that are mutually fulfilling, even with people who aren't ACE and yes it can be, a series of compromises on both sides, depending on where they are on the ACE spectrum.  One guy I dated a while ago was demisexual and whilst he had had sex when he was a teenager with a woman who had a close friendship he had had no sex in the ten years following.  He and his girlfriend at the time not having the vocabulary for what he was feeling ended up breaking up.  I had become friends with him in college and we dated for a while and we did have sex eventually but life got in the way and he ended up taking a position across the country and well it just wasn't working at that point.  And I've known people on the ACE spectrum that do masturbate, who do watch porn, but aren't themselves interested in having sex. They are capable of other forms of romantic love and have deep felt relationships with other people but they just don't have a lot of sex with them.  I haven't met as many aromantics but I presume they exist on a similar scale.  I find the level of bias against asexuals in the thread a bit alarming to be honest, equating sexual desire and pursuit with 'healthy male behavior' is imo a disservice to the many men who aren't...typical.  That all being said I don't know if Samuel is ACE/ARO or what.  All I know is that he is a very smart, charming and overall kind man and whatever his history is it hasn't made him anything resembling what some are insinuating about him on this thread.  And I would gladly put him up against any of the woman hunting alpha males....that lurk and prowl about now adays.  

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13 minutes ago, Anaiss said:

All I know is that he is a very smart, charming and overall kind man and whatever his history is it hasn't made him anything resembling what some are insinuating about him on this thread.  And I would gladly put him up against any of the woman hunting alpha males....that lurk and prowl about now adays. 

I mean sure anyone who had that dismal view of men would do so.  And women -who are these women you speak of who "hunt alpha males" and are women actually looking for a person of character and integrity to marry/be with long term? I don't know -sounds like you're making up these negative generalizations and getting really defensive.

Of course you should date Samuel if you feel like it - he seems like a good person and you enjoy being with him.  He seems to enjoy dating you too.  For me personally there is no way if I was looking for long term in my 30s that I would have told myself "at least he's not an alpha male on the prowl" because in my 30s I wanted a husband/didn't want to settle/genuinely liked and respected many men/was mostly treated with respect and like a lady during the 24 years I dated and was in relationships including serious relationships/always had close platonic male friends.  I'd never have thought of men and women as you do and I tried my best to treat people as individuals.  Some individuals acted like jerks and some women were "gold diggers" and some men cheated and some women chased alpha males.  Because some people do lots of stuff.

In my 30s when I was looking for a husband I'd not have wanted to invest the time in a "too empathetic" man who hadn't asked a woman out till age 37 for the reasons he gave and who after 5 months was flinching/distant when it came to physical affection or sexual affection.  I simply wouldn't have wanted to waste my few fertility years on that risky situation or risked the heartache.  All relationships and dating take risks -in this situation I personally would have balanced the risks and benefits and moved on. 

I am very open to all sorts of lifestyles and always have been.  Grew up for my first 43 years in very diverse communities/major city/ including with respect to sexual orientation.

When it comes to who I chose to date with serious potential I went with my personal values, standards, and goals.  I am heterosexual and I wanted to marry someone heterosexual who wanted marriage and family.  I could be friends with someone asexual, bisexual, someone who was into porn, someone who had never dated and was in their 30s and I would have been close friends if we had stuff in common and respected their lifestyle choices, sexual orientation, etc --- but not dated them.  I have close friends who are gay, asexual, bisexual, married, single, domestic partners, with kids nad without. That's not discrimination at all.  That's simply choosing to date who you have stuff in common with.  

But you and I are starting from different mindsets as I wrote above so from your perspective you're avoiding animalistic male prowlers so it's worth it to take the risk of being with a man who so far doesn't want to be with you sexually or at least not enough so that he can't help but keep his distance/flinch, etc. after 5 months. It's your time to spend and he seems like a good and nice person and someone you enjoy dating - good luck!!

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The above being said, I did go an see him last night.  He opened the door and immediately said 'I have to be really honest to you about something, it might be disappointing to you'.  And I was immediately like 'oh no, he's changed his mind'...and then he said 'When I suggested you come over, I said I was making spaghetti, I got home and didn't think about it, and I went to start getting things ready for supper, I realized I didn't have any spaghetti, I only have elbow macaroni...is that ok?  If not I can run to the store or something'.  At which point I busted out laughing and hugged him and he hugged me back.  He told me to take my coat off and get comfortable and then he gave me a kiss on the cheek before going into the kitchen.  

I followed him into the kitchen and he at first was like 'please no, I'll get distracted' and I told him I didn't want to sit in the living room all alone, so he then said 'if you're going to be in the kitchen then you're helping' so he put me in charge of getting the pasta ready while he cut up onions and mushrooms.  He apologized by saying this wouldn't be anything fancy and it wasn't anything fancy, premade meatballs heated up, sauce mostly out of the can but added to by things he sauteed in a skillet.  And yet when all was said and done it was a very nice meal and he and I then went and washed dishes together. And then we went and played some video games, and sat on the floor against his couch doing so.  I don't know what it was but he seemed a lot more relaxed than even the morning before.  We played games for a couple of hours and after we had finished a game we sat and talked for a bit and things went quiet for a while and I looked at him and he was looking at me and he said 'You're really beautiful, you know...and I really like spending time with you.  I always feel like I'm being judged by people and you don't make me feel that way, you know.'  And he leaned over and kissed me, like...not just a little peck on the cheek, a real proper...a little clumsy kiss. 

And we made out a little, he was really hesitant at first and it was a bit you know...a bit lost but after a while of kissing in front of his couch we sort of rested a bit and he said 'it's getting late, would you like to stay the night?'  

 

We didn't have sex but we did sleep in the same bed together, and this morning we got up early and he made me breakfast and we talked a little about last night and he said that he really enjoyed having me with him.   He wished he'd been braver earlier.  First he wasn't sure I wanted to do things with him, and then he was afraid he wasn't going to be good enough.  

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Sounds like a pleasant evening and sounds like you're comfortable with taking the lead and reassuring him that you like him and helping him with the insecurities he mentioned.  That was thoughtful of him to make dinner and invite you to stay over.

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