Will cheaters ever change? Found out about husband’s secret affair but only after it ended

[monsterpie]

We got married for 15 months, and I found out that he was cheating before we got married, and the affair continued post marriage for another half a year. Currently the affairs has ended and I only found out about this last month. We talked it out, and decided to move on as a couple and try to overcome this together with conditions that he would delete the chats (done), photos and videos of the girl in his phone. He agreed to it immediately saying it was a huge mistake and he has no intention to look back at the memories at all. In between I did ask him if he has deleted everything, he said YES. One month later, I found out that those photos and videos were hidden in his album with passcode protection rather than being deleted. I was trying very hard to rebuild the trust that we had just lost and now I am not sure if he is still worth forgiving? This to me comes down to a man keeping to his words and his sincerity in making up to the infidelity. FYI, he went on a 2N holiday with that girl while I was having a miscarriage (while we were stuck in different cities). To decide to forgive him initially was already a huge step I was willing to take to give us another chance. Please advice if secretly keeping those photos and videos he promised to get rid of is a huge deal breaker? 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, monsterpie said:

We got married for 15 months, and I found out that he was cheating before we got married, and the affair continued post marriage for another half a year. 

How long have you been married? How long did you date before marriage?  Unfortunately he seems to want to continue to be with this woman, even if he hides it better. Is this an arranged marriage? Why did you two marry if he's been with someone else the entire time? Talk to trusted friends and family. Consult an attorney for your options in the event of divorce. You don't seem happy.

[Batya33]

I would divorce because of the affair including how long it went on and the circumstances.  Are you surprised he didn't keep his word?Past behavior is the best indication of future -this was a long affair with videos and photos and while you were suffering.  Move past it for sure - find a man who is loyal and a person of character and integrity.  I know this is a marriage but it is a new marriage and heaven forbid you have a child with him.  Also I'd get tested for STDs.  I'm so sorry.  And get a good lawyer.

[Lambert]

I am so sorry about the miscarriage.  

Unfortunately, liars and cheats-- lie and cheat.  He did what he thought he could do to keep you around but also keep a little bit of that affair going.  Cheaters are by nature very selfish people.  It's not enough to have one partner.  Makes no difference if that partner is perfect or if they really don't want the partner.  They want the admiration and love and the perceived admiration and love from others-- "look at what a good person I am" but it's a farse. 

If you call him on it-- what's he going to do? admit it again?  and what you're going to do?  Forgive again?  Hiding the pic with a passcode is a deliberate act.  And to stay with guy means 1. you are ok with an open marriage.  2.  his needs are more important than yours.

In time you will grow resentful and when it all comes to a head, you will be incensed, by his callousness when he blames you.  Things-- like you knew all along and put up with it.  That's when you will really feel bad when you wasted your time and love on a no good man.  I am sorry... 

My advice-- get an attorney and quietly make your exit plans.  When it's ready leave.  Then only speak to him through attorneys.  (assuming there are no kids).  Get into therapy and heal yourself.  Find love again and have a GREAT LIFE.  that is the best revenge.  

[Kwothe28]

31 minutes ago, monsterpie said:

Please advice if secretly keeping those photos and videos he promised to get rid of is a huge deal breaker? 

I would say him cheating is a huge deal breaker, but you already put that under the carpet and forgave him and now you are hanging by the straw how maybe its a deal breaker that he kept photos. He already cheated. That should be your cue to get away, not some photos.

People dont change unless they get huge consequences for their actions. And sometimes not even then. People who cheat would not change their way. Especially when you approved his behavior by taking him back. Why should he not cheat? When you will always take him back? You took him back even after miscariage and when he went to holiday to have an affair. Some photos are nothing compared to that. 

[redswim30]

OP, I am so sorry for all you've been through. 

I find it interesting that you are so worried about the photos and not the fact that your husband appears to be in love with another woman.

I can actually think cheaters can change, IF it was a one time thing and didn't go too far.   However, in a case like this- he's already shown you- he has no desire to forget about her. 

What you need to decide is if you're ok being married to someone like this.  He's not going to change or stop.   If you try to put your foot down even more, he's shown that he'll just take lengths to hide it better.   This isn't a one time fling, he clearly has deep feelings for this woman. 

If you stay with him, you have to accept that you aren't who he wants deep down.  Are you okay with that?   I hope you are not, and will consider divorcing him.  Beyond the cheating, this man just doesn't respect you at all. 

[Coily]

At this stage you could even consider an annullment given that the marriage is only 15 months in.

It would have been one thing if when dating he made a mistake during a fight. But this? This is unacceptable at all levels. If one has an affair it is a sign of the grass is greener personality, and will likely be repeated. They can promise you the moon and more, but actions and words do not line up.

[HeartGoesOn]

3 hours ago, monsterpie said:

Please advice if secretly keeping those photos and videos he promised to get rid of is a huge deal breaker? 

Yes, and it goes way beyond a "huge deal breaker."  

Unfortunately the majority of the time they go on to find better ways to cover their tracks.  Keep in mind that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink it.

Rather than have this hanging over your head, you're better off moving on, as you deserve better.

[Jibralta]

9 hours ago, monsterpie said:

Please advice if secretly keeping those photos and videos he promised to get rid of is a huge deal breaker? 

Definitely a dealbreaker!

[Seraphim]

This guy isn’t worth it. Please get a lawyer . I am sorry. 

[Cherylyn]

Will cheaters ever change?  No.  The only difference is they become smarter by covering their tracks better.  ☹️

[poorlittlefish]

You gave your husband a second chance when you agreed to continue the marriage despite him cheating on you.  Despite that, he has continued to be deceptive.  That was the choice he made and it was one that confirms he has no intention to be honest or faithful.  Nobody should get a third chance to behave appropriately.  If you accept this behaviour, it's confirmation to him that he can carry on doing it.

[MissCanuck]

You need to file for divorce. 

There is just no reason to even bother trying with a man like this. It will be a wasted effort and he will absolutely break your heart all over again. 

[Starlight925]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

It's not as simple of a question as it seems.  If a person was married for 30 years, and the cheating was a one-time thing, then it's possible it was only that time.

In your case, I'm sorry to say, it's much different.  You've been married a very short time.  Not only did he cheat for a while prior to your marriage, he carried it into the marriage, even cheating during your unfortunate miscarriage.

You came here to ask for advice, so I'll give it to you straight:  Lawyer up, pack up, and leave.