Advice appreciated continued

[P33]

I recently posted about a fledgling relationship started a month ago I’m 50 and she’s 38. Initially she was texting a lot more, she has PTSD and has told me sometimes she just wants to be alone and I know for a fact she’s taking antidepressants. We’re now spending the entire weekends together in front of her 10 year old son. We sometimes make loose plans and she won’t necessarily stick to these. On Sunday I asked when she wanted to see me again and she said Wednesday (today), for the first time ever I never contacted her again and left it until this morning. I text and asked if she still wanted to see me, no response. In fact she still hasn’t responded 7 hours later, now on the one hand I have to consider her issues on the other I find this all baffling and quite honestly anxiety inducing and wonder if she’s playing games with me. Friends have suggested not contacting again and waiting, only issue is we have supposed plans for Friday when I have the day off and we’re going for lunch which will take the whole day. She’s made it clear before she really likes me and wants to keep seeing me and the same for me, but I just can’t help wondering what is going on and if she IS playing games. This has had me in real honest to God turmoil recently.

 

Please advise. Thanks

[left due to request]

What makes you think that she's playing games with you?  I know we rely on texting now-a-days, but have you tried calling and speaking to her directly?  Depression could last for days pending on condition that triggers and PTSD surely isn't going to help with that situation, IMO.  She has a child of 10 y/o who requires a lot of attention so that could be the reason as well.

Be patient unless you know that she's playing a stupid game but I would tend to give her the benefit of the doubt.  It obviously is your choice to be with her so try to understand what she may be going through before you listen to others, including myself!  If this situation is something you are not willing or cannot handle, then perhaps this relationship isn't for you?

I would give her a call and leave a message if I have to.  Just a gentle reminder for today as well as Friday to give you a call back when she can.  If she doesn't call back, you're free for tonight and Friday.

[P33]

She’s given me zero reasons to doubt her, absolutely none, except the non response issue. I’m tempted to call but don’t want to pressurise especially as she genuinely means something to me. Do I struggle with this absolutely but I do also sense something else happening and I don’t feel that ending it is something I want. I think I’m going to have to leave it until tomorrow then text and clarify Friday, although I may yet call but I honestly just don’t know in some ways the right way to handle for her and myself.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

I'd try to think of it differently than "playing games," as that implies she has a conscious agenda here to mess with you. This doesn't seem to be the case. Rather, she has PTSD, is in a shaky spot mentally, vacillates between really wanting to see you and really wanting to be alone, to say nothing of having a 10 year old to care for. All that adds up, from one angle, to someone who is going to require higher than normal maintenance.

Given all that, I'm not sure why you would go dark on her for three days. It's kind of like having a car with a finicky engine, knowing it needs to be started up every day to run smoothly, and then letting it sit anyway. Perhaps, big picture, you're seeking a ride that's more stable and were testing this one a bit yourself? Seems you're battling an awful lot of anxiety during a period that should be pretty chill and easy. 

 

[Lambert]

I would not call or contact this person.  While a person's excuses/reasons for poor behavior maybe understandable, it is not a free pass.  You have only been dating a month and you are already in turmoil.  this is not a good thing OP.  Happy, healthy relationships build over time and while, I would be more tolerant with a long term partner, you are not long term partners.

Her behavior is telling you what you can expect from her... more turmoil, more confusion, more pain.  You have to be strong and walk away from things that you don't want.  No one gets more by accepting less.

You don't have to be a jerk about it.  You are actually doing the kinder, gentler thing-- by backing away.  She is not in the right place to date.  Your plans for today and for Friday, I would consider cancelled.  Stop torturing yourself.  

I am sorry.  It is hurtful and unfortunate, but she just isn't in this with you right now.  She has mental health problems that are her responsibility to resolve.  Not yours.  Be open to dating other women.  Find one that fully engages with you.  That is the only solution.  You can't fix or change another person... but you can find one that meets your needs naturally.  

[P33]

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about all this. 

I'd try to think of it differently than "playing games," as that implies she has a conscious agenda here to mess with you. This doesn't seem to be the case. Rather, she has PTSD, is in a shaky spot mentally, vacillates between really wanting to see you and really wanting to be alone, to say nothing of having a 10 year old to care for. All that adds up, from one angle, to someone who is going to require higher than normal maintenance.

Given all that, I'm not sure why you would go dark on her for three days. It's kind of like having a car with a finicky engine, knowing it needs to be started up every day to run smoothly, and then letting it sit anyway. Perhaps, big picture, you're seeking a ride that's more stable and were testing this one a bit yourself? Seems you're battling an awful lot of anxiety during a period that should be pretty chill and easy. 

 

Thanks I did ring but no answer and even popped round after joint advice but they mustn’t of heard as the dog goes nuts. We have joint friends who’ve suggested she must be having a bad day and she will probably get back to me.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, P33 said:

 relationship started a month . We’re now spending the entire weekends together in front of her 10 year old son. 

It doesn't seem like playing games. It seems like way too much too soon. Maybe she needs a breather from the crowding. She must work plus has a child plus has friends, family and other things to take care of. 

Confirm Friday, but leave some breathing room. Just ask if you're still on for Friday, but cut back on camping at her place all weekend, every weekend.

[P33]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It doesn't seem like playing games. It seems like way too much too soon. Maybe she needs a breather from the crowding. She must work plus has a child plus has friends, family and other things to take care of. 

Confirm Friday, but leave some breathing room. Just ask if you're still on for Friday, but cut back on camping at her place all weekend, every weekend.

I’ve messaged about Friday, told her I do like her as she’s said this to me and asked if she can confirm or otherwise. There’s nothing else I can do.

[SooSad33]

Yup, I agree with the others.  Leave her be and be okay with a response at least re: Friday & your weekend expectations.

Is there a reason you're suspecting something re: her behaviour?

I suggest you just take it slowly.  No huge expectations - as it's only been a month?

But, if this is how she rolls, then maybe she is unable to have a successful relationship at this time.  I've dealt with PTSD & high anxiety.  It is challenging 😕 . ( But, I also know if I am UNable to have a healthy relationship).

 

[MissCanuck]

It doesn't sound like she's in the right place to date, OP. 

3 hours ago, P33 said:

Thanks I did ring but no answer and even popped round after joint advice but they mustn’t of heard as the dog goes nuts.

This is a bit much, P33. When someone isn't responding to you, it means they don't wish to communicate at that time. It isn't your cue to persist and then show up unanounced and uninvited. In the future, don't do that. 

It sounds like this is all moving too fast and might need a breather. Only a month in and you're already hanging around her kid? You need to pump the brakes here. Boundaries and a measured pace are always important, but even more so when there's a little one in the picture. 

Let her come to you. If she doesn't, you will know that this is where it ends.