Dealing with a Shy Girl after 1st Date

[James90]

Hi all,

So I've been talking to a girl for the last 5 weeks by text and we get along like a house on fire. 
 

it came to the date and she was nervous building up to it. After she settled in she was fine and very talkative the whole night but at times was noticeably shy. 
 

We kissed but I noticed after the first date she was very shy with texting me. Just being far nicer and it's as if she's gone inwards a bit. We've confirmed a 2nd date for this coming Saturday.
 

I got her to open up a bit by text and she said she just finds it hard when she doesn't know someone yet and that's why she's feeling shy but to give it time. She has also said essentially that if I keep doing what I'm doing she will continue to warm to me. She's also said and done various things to confirm she's still interested in me.

 

However, I'm personally finding it quite hard to deal with as I've never really dealt with a girl who has become shy after a 1st date. It's hard to know how to respond and keep it fun when she's just being nice and has seemingly pulled back in terms of her confidence.
 

All I've done for now is slow down on my texting and pulled back a bit like she has. It's important to note she puts in an equal amount of effort with texting and I'm not chasing her per se. All I feel like I can do is wait until the 2nd date and be patient with her. 
 

So how should I deal with a shy girl and how do I get her to open up more?I should mention she's very much an introvert as well.
 

She is also a bit insecure and thought I might not turn up on the 1st date (because she's been stood up more than once before) and felt after the date that she thought I thought she wasn't what I hoped for. But I don't think this and reassured her.
 

I'm also slightly insecure myself about being too nice and not keeping it 'exciting' enough. I try to be cheeky now and again but her being shy makes this much more difficult than it was before the 1st date. 
 

[Wiseman2]

Yes. Definitely slow down on the texting. Keep it brief. Set up dates but slow down on going in for the kisses etc,. Try not to let nerves push you along artificially. Try to just enjoy the company without feeling you need to pry her open or needing reassurance.

Relax, enjoy the dates and don't text-tether this much. It's just one date. It seemed to go well, so relax and see how it goes.

[Batya33]

Get to know her in person during shared activities.  I dated for 24 years on and off and a lot pre-internet and with landlines.  Never texted, avoided extensive emailing during the day with a new person -it's much more fun to peel layers off a person so to speak and get to know them at a reasonable pace over time.  Not what you had for lunch or texting photos of your meal, your new cousin, the view from your hotel balcony when you went to South Dakota last January.

There's no need after a first date to keep in regular contact and typing won't help you get to know her.  Get to know her in person, speak by phone once to confirm the date and catch up for a couple of minutes.  Don't turn this into a sharing details of your day and "opening up" by typing especially with a woman you just met.  She's not necessarily shy -she might enjoy talking in person during a shared activity -and I'd minimize sitting across a table - go outside for a long walk, go to a museum, go to a concert, an art gallery, bowling, whatever. 

[smackie9]

Tough call. It really depends on what kind of shy she is. If it's anxiety shy, you need to slow your roll and take your time. If she is insecure shy, you need to be confident/bold and take the lead to encourage her to come out of her shell. 

[James90]

@smackie9

From what I can tell it's insecure shy... she was anxious coming to the date but then opened up once she felt comfortable around me.

She made some insecurities clear after the date and I believe it's more so to do with that. 
 

[left due to request]

online relationship turning to real life meetings can have these awkward/uncomfortable meetings.  Small lies can turn into something bigger and all the masks between texting is now gone.  Maybe she's trying to sort all this out since it's now a real thing.  Perhaps she's simply shy and you didn't know since she was a 'keyboard warrior'

Give it time and yes, slow the text down a bit and find out who she really is.  Sounds like you guys met each other's expectations so I don't think it will an issue of compatibility.   Usually after the first meeting, it is difficult to 'type' your emotions since you are no longer just a name on a screen.  Give it time.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, James90 said:

@smackie9

From what I can tell it's insecure shy... she was anxious coming to the date but then opened up once she felt comfortable around me.

She made some insecurities clear after the date and I believe it's more so to do with that. 
 

I'm a bit concerned that she would share all of that with you - most people are a bit nervous or even very nervous for first meets or first dates but if it is that extreme that she would share it with you this may be an uphill battle on your part.  

Hopefully you met in person soon after contacting through the site - people who are nervous typically are far more nervous when there's some sort of online fantasy relationship before meeting in person because of the build up and fantasy-like expectations.

[Kwothe28]

If she is shy and introvert, she is shy and introvert. There is no magic formula to make her "less shy". Maybe in time she opens up a bit, maybe she will not. Big question is are you OK with somebody who is like that? I mean, can you handle somebody like that? Tomorrow you would maybe have to introduce her to your friends, or even go to a large gathering like a music festival or just a party. Introverts dont deal well with those. Its a load of problems you would have to treat carefully. So you would have to keep that in mind if you want to date her.

But for now, its OK. You have a second date so go step by step. In time and if you are careful, maybe she trusts you more. 

[left due to request]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

If she is shy and introvert, she is shy and introvert. There is no magic formula to make her "less shy". Maybe in time she opens up a bit, maybe she will not. Big question is are you OK with somebody who is like that? I mean, can you handle somebody like that? Tomorrow you would maybe have to introduce her to your friends, or even go to a large gathering like a music festival or just a party. Introverts dont deal well with those. Its a load of problems you would have to treat carefully. So you would have to keep that in mind if you want to date her.

But for now, its OK. You have a second date so go step by step. In time and if you are careful, maybe she trusts you more. 

I agree with Kwothe28.  you can't date someone in hopes to change that person.  That's a wrong step already.