People who use others

[Superstickyone]

I need some advice on how to steer clear of and recognize those whose main goal is to use your resources.  On a previous post I stopped giving a lady car rides.  How do you stop this before it starts?  Should you make it clear from the get go you don't lend money, don't provide free taxi services, have sex with strangers or be a counselor to their problems?  I'm all for helping a true friend once in awhile but not opportunists. Should I adopt a rougher personality so that users don't target me to begin with?  I'm tired of dealing with this & finding out sometimes that a certain person is looking out only for their own personal interests.  And they don't give a hoot about me as a person!

 

 

 

 

[Jaunty]

Just learn to say "no."  Also learn that if you say "yes" you are responsible for making that choice; nobody is forcing you to do things.   

Really, there are some people always looking out for an easy mark to take advantage of.   If you have all of the above things going on, however, you're going to need to look at the ways you're putting yourself into these situations.  You're the common denominator.

[left due to request]

I believe in help others when they're in needs.  But I also know when to say no as well.  I think it's a balance rather than tilting to one side or another.  In today's work environment, team work is stressed and team project is crucial to success.  you surely don't want to be marked as a non-contributor in that structure simply because of your attitude.  

Say no politely if it isn't anything important.  I would consider personal uber driver as being one of those non important issue.  Getting to work is considered one of the requirements so I would imagine that person will have to figure it out on their own.  

If someone needs a ride for couple days due to a break down, then I would be more acceptable to help.  With the gas prices as they are now, sharing costs will be something I would suggest as well.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

Should I adopt a rougher personality so that users don't target me to begin with? 

Nahhh. That kind of defensiveness will only harm your own outlook and experiences and stomach lining.

People who are confident in their basic intentions don't need to operate out of fear of failing to please others. Nobody is powerless to kindly smile and say, "No, that doesn't work for me."

Period. No scrambling for excuses, no further explanations, no apologies.

If you believe that you are incapable of doing this AND growing comfortable with it given some practice, then disabuse yourself of that notion.

There is a huge difference between the words "can't" versus "won't". If you believe that you "can't" navigate this world without being targeted by users, then try replacing that word with "won't" for accuracy, because ANY skill requires practice.

So don't refuse to practice, and smile while you're at it--that will make it look easy.

Head high.

[Cherylyn]

I would ask if favors are an emergency, permanent or semi-permanent help.  If it's an urgent matter or an emergency and if I'm available to help within reason, I help in a pinch.  If helping becomes habitual and a chronic habit, I speak up and decline politely.  Repeat.  They won't ask anymore after hearing, "NO" repeatedly.

I'll lend money within reason such as $5 or less.  I'll buy someone coffee or tea once.  I wouldn't expect anything in return if the monetary amount is very small.  If anyone needs more money than that, I simply decline.  No means no.

While I'm not a counselor to my friends' problems, we are there for each other regarding moral support.  They've given me advice and I've done likewise but we've known each other for many, many years so we're comfortable with it.  We don't bother each other though.  We don't bombard each other with texts, messages, emails or voicemails.  No one blows each other's phones.  We respect each other's space.  My local friends and I meet occasionally and we pick up right where we left off.  We're respectful of one another.

I've had people use me until I'm worn out.  For example, my sister.  I really don't mind helping her like a workhorse as long as it's reciprocal and if she were very kind and appreciative.  Since she's neither plus called me names, I've suddenly lost my desire to be so generous with my time, labor, energy and resources.  I don't feel charitable.  Lately, I've been declining everything she asks of me and it feels very good!  Narcissists panic when they know you know.  They panic when you're onto them and when you finally got with the program by figuring them out.  Perpetrators fear when you know what makes them tick and when you're brave enough to decline repeatedly.

I prefer to stay home and relax. 

NO is a beautiful word.  At first I feared declining but after some practice, it gets easier.  You'll grow to enjoy declining and relishing time and freedom for yourself. 

One thing I've been trying very hard to do is quit being a people pleaser.  It's an adjustment because I've always thought being nice was the way to be.  Unfortunately, being nice is equated with being a doormat. 

I've been a product of my environment.  Lately, I've been tough and very unforgiving in order to protect myself and I must say, it's working.  I'm fair, peaceful and polite but no more than that.  If my heart's not in it, I say, "NO."  If I don't feel like doing anything, again, I say, "NO."  It's my new stance.  My heart isn't as generous anymore unless the relationship is reciprocal.  It feels better to take back control in one's life.  The world will still function without you.  Instead of doing for others, I've been taking better care of myself such as fitness, diet, cooking, resuming my craft-type hobbies (sewing / calligraphy) grooming and wearing makeup everyday whereas before I was always doing so much for others that I didn't have time for myself.  I've lost 35 pounds!  You have to prioritize yourself.  Other people don't give a hoot about you but make sure you give a hoot about yourself.  🙂 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

How do you stop this before it starts?

Ask yourself if there is really a friendship outside the favours you do. 

If there isn't, say no when they ask you for favours. It's that simple. 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

Should you make it clear from the get go you don't lend money, don't provide free taxi services, have sex with strangers or be a counselor to their problems?

Say you dont have money or you need money right now, that you dont have time or that you just dont have sex with strangers. Its really not that hard.

5 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

Should I adopt a rougher personality so that users don't target me to begin with?

Its not really a bad idea. People who have "softer" personality are prone to being taken advantage. Learn to stand up for yourself and say "No". People dont appreciate "Yes Man". As you can see, they are more likely to target them for their needs. So it wouldnt be a bad idea to toughen up a bit.

[Batya33]

No -there's no need to state your "boundaries" like that -treat people as individuals.  Say no without apology or excuse or a long back story.  For example I noticed a trend in one of my facebook mom groups - people ask for favors -meaning referrals to doctors/lawyers/handymen/sitters/travel agents - or ask for referrals in unicorn type situations.  I've gone out of my way to contact a friend and ask for info to help the person, I do that, send the info and either never hear a thank you or get a perfunctory thank you or a folllow up asking for even more info.

So I now do this rarely -only if it will also help me to give the referral or info - and depending on the situation.  Also I'll tell the person to message me for the info -make them put in the effort to do so before I put in effort.  And, finally, I have people ask "oh so what's the link/what hours are they open" etc and now I respond "just google it."  Likewise others on the thread will say "oh please send me that link too".  No. So I say "I sent it to ___ you can ask that person".  

Yes, it took trial and error -sometimes we are used like that in new situations but stop yourself before you get too far in and also learn to see the signs - I've had people contact me wanting to be "friends" but turns out they have a MLM.  I told one person right off the bat "I'd love to meet you and I am never going to purchase this product. However I'm happy to tell friends who ask me about your product that you sell it."  Not in a defensive way -in a common sense perfunctory way.  It takes practice!  Good for you for wanting to set boundaries.  

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

. Should I adopt a rougher personality so that users don't target me to begin with?  

You don't have to be either a pushover or a meanie. You can be somewhere in between. Make sure you aren't looking for approval from people by doing too many favors. 

[Seraphim]

I agree you don’t have to swing too far to one side or the other. You can just use the word no if you can’t do something. I don’t often ask people favours. The last time I remember doing so is when my family had Covid and a neighbour dropped off some groceries at our house and I EMT her the money and a bit extra for her time. I usually only ask in extreme situations. 

[Lambert]

I think you have to handle things on a case-by-case basis.  take notice of how people around you act and the things they say.  Do they handle their life and responsibilities in a manner that is consistent with how you handle things?  that's how you know who is worthy of your friendship and time.

If someone asks me a favor, depending on who it is, I don't respond straight away.  I might say something like-- let me think about this. If I know it is something I don't want to do I say no. 

 

 

[Jaunty]

One suggestion:  Realize that if you tell someone "no," you don't need to have a good excuse for it.   Even if you do have a good excuse, there is some power in learning that you can indeed "just say no." 

"I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to do that."  

"That won't work for me, I'm sorry." 

Practice this.  

[Cherylyn]

You have to question the type of people whom you attract.  I have great friends because I've since weeded out all the bad apples.  None of my friends impose one another.  We all possess common sense and integrity.

My sister is an other story.  Ever since she was a little girl, she has always used her guile and charms to manipulate others and get her way.  Problem is,  her strategy only works for so long before others are onto her and the jig is up.  I fell under her spell for the longest time but what do I get out of it?  Reciprocation?  No.  Gaslighting?  Always.  Spoiled, mealy mouthed dialogue?  Always.  I'm out.  Why?  Because, just like my friends, I've learned how to choose which people deserve to be in my life and who gets the boot. 

Create your world by your own choosing.  Afford to be discriminating.  If people don't measure up to high standards and what you will expect with regards to common decency and common courtesy, then don't allow them to have the privilege to be in your life in the first place.  Only honorable, very moral people should grace your life.  Everyone else is an automatic reject. 

Don't waste your time and energy figuring out what you are.  Focus on either acceptable or unacceptable behaviors and let that be your barometer and guide. 

[Superstickyone]

I really like a lot of the posters' replies.  Lambert struck me as realistic by taking each situation on a case by case basis.  The word no is a key.  I have in some instances said "yes" to favors in order to be liked.  Others not so much but more of a sincere attempt to make their life easier.  For instance helping an elderly women load groceries into her car.  Or other stranger situations.

A previous friend (or so I thought) would text at 8pm at night asking me to drive to her house, which was a 35 min drive, and then take her to buy milk.  I said no as she has neighbors or can get a cab as it's only 5 min drive to store.  Things like this happened with her.  She was rude by text in another situation by sending 'k' as a reply 3x. Then had the nerve to text the following week later asking me to drive 40 min to an airport and pick her up!  Why would she think after that treatment that I would appease her request?

Excellent advice by many, thank you.  Being more discerning about who becomes your friend is at the top of my "to do" list!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Superstickyone said:

I really like a lot of the posters' replies.  Lambert struck me as realistic by taking each situation on a case by case basis.  The word no is a key.  I have in some instances said "yes" to favors in order to be liked.  Others not so much but more of a sincere attempt to make their life easier.  For instance helping an elderly women load groceries into her car.  Or other stranger situations.

A previous friend (or so I thought) would text at 8pm at night asking me to drive to her house, which was a 35 min drive, and then take her to buy milk.  I said no as she has neighbors or can get a cab as it's only 5 min drive to store.  Things like this happened with her.  She was rude by text in another situation by sending 'k' as a reply 3x. Then had the nerve to text the following week later asking me to drive 40 min to an airport and pick her up!  Why would she think after that treatment that I would appease her request?

Excellent advice by many, thank you.  Being more discerning about who becomes your friend is at the top of my "to do" list! 

You need new friends! 

The key is not having to say "no" in the first place.  Real friends think twice and they're never an imposition.

Like you, I've said, "yes" in order to be well liked.  Nowadays, I don't care whether people like me or not.  I prefer to like myself first! 

I'm not as charitable as in the past because I've been burned more times than you can count.

Your previous friend was definitely a user who had a lot of nerve time and time again.  Good thing you've since dumped her.  She asked you to chauffeur her again because she was still testing you until you've wised up. 

Instead of a case by case basis, get rid of people whom you don't like.  Associating with them is too  high maintenance. 

No good deed goes unpunished. 

Fool me once,  shame on you,  fool me twice,  shame on me.  How true.

 

[Superstickyone]

  Cherylyn.  Your comment really resonates about getting rid of people you don't like.  I got rid of the lady always asking for rides.  Yes she tested me in other ways which I didn't fall for.  Like pretending she left her bank card at home when at the cashier to pay.  She looked so nonchalant about it that something felt "off".  We drove back to her place to get her card but I think she had it all along and was hoping I would jump in and pay for the goods.  Very sneaky but my gut guided me on something amiss.

You've been burned in the past and I bet no one in your life now ever does this.  Keep those types away.  Going through this kind of trauma triggers the BS meter in a more sensitive manner.  I will now be on the high alert and listen to the rumblings of my gut - which are most often accurate.  Thank you for your wisdom!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Superstickyone said:

  Cherylyn.  Your comment really resonates about getting rid of people you don't like.  I got rid of the lady always asking for rides.  Yes she tested me in other ways which I didn't fall for.  Like pretending she left her bank card at home when at the cashier to pay.  She looked so nonchalant about it that something felt "off".  We drove back to her place to get her card but I think she had it all along and was hoping I would jump in and pay for the goods.  Very sneaky but my gut guided me on something amiss.

You've been burned in the past and I bet no one in your life now ever does this.  Keep those types away.  Going through this kind of trauma triggers the BS meter in a more sensitive manner.  I will now be on the high alert and listen to the rumblings of my gut - which are most often accurate.  Thank you for your wisdom!

 

@Superstickyone, You, too realized that eliminating undesirable people in your life is after exhausting all other avenues to no avail. 

She was sneaky to tell you that she left her bank card at the cashier and expected you to pay for the goods!  I agree, something was definitely amiss.

Thank you for your wisdom!  Thank you for your kind words.

I wish I knew back then what I know now.  Most people who've had bad and / or painful experiences with others discover newfound knowledge and learn how to protect themselves now and in the future.  I've had to learn the hard way.  It's awful to go through it but I'll never forget harsh lessons.  Negative experiences were the best teachers.  Most people would concur. 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

Yes she tested me in other ways which I didn't fall for.  Like pretending she left her bank card at home when at the cashier to pay.  She looked so nonchalant about it that something felt "off". 

I had a friend who met me for a movie and claimed that the $20 she'd had to pay me back for tickets was counterfeit as told to her by a store owner when she went to get a bottle of water.  She was constantly late/unreliable and flaky.  I stopped speaking with her because she also started making thoughtless comments about the man I was dating and our relationship. 

I will add that about a year later she was diagnosed with cancer and passed away about 20 years ago.  Our mutual friend never really related to my issues with her -thought I overreacted. I did send her a card when she was ill.  I did feel some guilt I will admit.  But I also knew I was being taken for granted and treated disrespectfully.  She was kind of a drama/train wreck kind of person and of course I never wished her ill!!

[Jibralta]

On 1/17/2023 at 11:22 PM, Superstickyone said:

How do you stop this before it starts?

It's as simple as saying, "No."

Seriously.

"No" isn't mean or rude. It's just "no."

For that situation with your friend and the car, I told you what I'd do--I would have driven away and left her there the first time. Let her come to me if she had a problem with that, and I'd tell her my problem with her! Now we know where each other stands.

[Batya33]

Example of prevention -there is a woman who is moving to my city and has posted numerous times on my mom FB group.  I tried to help her through posting and private messaging - I mean help as in names of places to which she needs recommendations plus links. 

One night she messaged me after visiting our city to ask me if I knew anything about a specific preschool she was looking at.  I quickly responded that I might know people who sent their kids there but that I sign off my phone around that time because I need the off screen time to wind down and get to bed. 

Her response was "adhere to your downtime" and yes she wrote thank you.  I was put off.  She's a stranger.  I have helped and offered to help her more.  I found her response a wee bit abrupt as opposed to "of course! thanks so much!"  I don't need to know if she finds my approach to my own downtime/bedtime "rigid" (it is - and it works for me and for my health - and of course I bend it for good friends/my family/emergencies, whatever). 

I reliably followed up with her the next morning.  Later interactions were much better so I cut her slack -but yes I am on high alert with a stranger/someone I don't know well who gives off any entitlement vibes or isn't appreciative. 

I don't suggest guilty until innocent but especially with people you're just getting to know IMO should be reciprocal and appreciative and thoughtful.  And with an attitude of never wanting to impose/burden.

[Kwothe28]

7 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I wish I knew back then what I know now.  Most people who've had bad and / or painful experiences with others discover newfound knowledge and learn how to protect themselves now and in the future. 

You have to learn how to "read" people. And stand up for yourself. Otherwise people will use you. They will think that you are a "coat hanger". That you dont have something better to do or that you dont have nothing else to spend that money except on them. So that you can always be around for them no matter what they need. That is why saying "No" and at least appearing to be busy are useful when you are dealing with that kind of people. Because it sends a message that you are not their "coat hanger". That you have your own stuff and that they cant discrupt you with theirs. Otherwise you would always be somebody they can just call on a whim for stuff.

[Cherylyn]

Negative and bad experiences cause you to become very perceptive.  You're no longer naive.  Bad and negative experiences teach you wisdom regarding how to navigate your life more wisely.  When observing people, your radar is up.  You're more in tuned and use your innate intelligence more than ever before.  It's a "live and learn" mentality.  Trial and error causes you to perfect your discernment.  As years go by, your mind becomes sharper and quicker when it comes to all sorts of people on this Earth.  You become pickier and choosier. 

[Superstickyone]

I love all the previous posts and appreciate the experiences shared.  We teach people how tolerant of crappy behavior.  Sometimes hints though are so subtle that one's mind can keep you spinning until exhaustion.  For example, I ask myself if a person was having a rough day.  That's no excuse of course.  Replying with one word texts can happen if you're  busy.  The point is to look at a person's normal behavior.  Is it respectful 95% of the time or not?

I now ask myself how I feel after spending time with them.  Is the vibration and energy positive?  Disconnected, detached?  I like Cherylln's live and learn philosophy which is accepting of the inappropriate choices we make with certain people. For we are human.  We may even make more mistakes but learn from everything.

I saw the lady who was using me waiting at a bus stop as I drove by.  She had her shopping cart.  My instinct at first was to stop and offer a ride.  I didn't though because she would repeat the same crap with me.  I am maintaining my respect and it feels wonderful!  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

Good points from all. When I'm getting to know people I tend to notice when they are habitually considerate. For instance, "Did I catch you at an okay time?" before launching into a conversation, or, "Do you have a place you'd prefer, or would you like to go to ...?" when grabbing lunch.

These are small signals that a person is sensitive enough not to take others for granted. 

While this isn't foolproof, it does keep me open and appreciative of kindness rather than defensively trashing my own outlook on my fellow humans.

Head high, and enJOY the nice people!

[mylolita]

The point of genuine help is that you don’t expect any help in the future in return. You help a friend or family member or anyone else because, well, of the golden rule, and because helping people feels amazing. 
 

If I visit friends I turn up with flowers or a cake - but I would never expect that in return. When I give a lift I give a lift because I want too. When I host dinners or make drinks for people coming over it is for the pleasure of it all and not for any gain or return. I don’t expect dinner from them, for example. I’ll often get rounds of drinks, etc. 

 

I would say, you know deep down in your gut when someone is taking advantage of you. You will feel something isn’t right. Most people have a good instinct for when you have a true friend in need who you will gladly do a good turn for, or it is becoming habitual and expected of you.

 

A friend in need is a friend indeed, but not when it feels wrong and like you are being used.

 

As others have said, politely say no and stick to it. That’s all you can do - and only befriend, spend time with, people who you genuinely like and would be delighted to help out, because you know they are nice and genuine with good intentions! 
 

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