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I can't find the courage to break up


Kartoff
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12 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

I guess you are totally right. I have my own problems,and I am working on them.

As my therapist says, I was forced to become a parent(for my sister and mother) and took too much responsability. Now I project that into my other relationships, I am just used to it.

I hate it, but is hard to change it

I tried to let this go but it seems that you keep dwindling on this, knowing what you need to do.  As for your therapist and the statement of too much responsibilities.... IMO, I don't think that applies here.  I only say that because you ALREADY KNOW what you should do. 

You are now slightly down because of the thoughts of losing those 2 years but projecting that feeling to other situation will not help.  Go make yourself available to be found by others and step toward that direction.  Stop looking back and be concerned about all these red flags people are posting.  Those are only their experiences or their opinion.

Live your life and be glad all this drama is behind you.

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14 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

I guess you are totally right. I have my own problems,and I am working on them.

As my therapist says, I was forced to become a parent(for my sister and mother) and took too much responsability. Now I project that into my other relationships, I am just used to it.

I hate it, but is hard to change it

"I'm just used to it" is never an adult excuse to continue acting in an unhealthy way.  It's not about projecting -it's basic stuff - you act according to what's an easy habit.  It's not "because"of how you were brought up.  It's because of the choices you make now.  Many of us have had challenges in our childhood, dysfunctional family dynamics, etc.  Certainly there are rare exceptions -people who have mental disorders, who were abused- then making choices as an adult can require therapy, even meds, etc.  But "used to it" -so -oh well -now  you have to get "used to"changing the unhealthy habit and behavior and choices - it's up to you.

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On 1/19/2023 at 6:04 PM, Batya33 said:

"I'm just used to it" is never an adult excuse to continue acting in an unhealthy way.  It's not about projecting -it's basic stuff - you act according to what's an easy habit.  It's not "because"of how you were brought up.  It's because of the choices you make now.  Many of us have had challenges in our childhood, dysfunctional family dynamics, etc.  Certainly there are rare exceptions -people who have mental disorders, who were abused- then making choices as an adult can require therapy, even meds, etc.  But "used to it" -so -oh well -now  you have to get "used to"changing the unhealthy habit and behavior and choices - it's up to you.

Yes you are right. It is just an excuse. I am terrified of leaving her. I will lose half my social group. Feel like I wont find someone else. Feel like I will go back to the depressed version of myself

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56 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

Yes you are right. It is just an excuse. I am terrified of leaving her. I will lose half my social group. Feel like I wont find someone else. Feel like I will go back to the depressed version of myself

I get it about mutual friends and it’s normal to fear the unknown!  But staying status quo guarantees you won’t find someone else.  Leaving forsnt guarantee you will and that’s the downside of romantic relationships and wanting a partner - there are no guarantees and the “when you least expect it” is unhelpful because it dismisses the notion of being proactive including becoming the right person to find the right person.
I had to do both while accepting there were no guarantees. I ended up having timing and luck on my inside but if I hadn’t had the courage to leave my not right relationship in early 2005 when I had the opportunity in summer 2005 to reconnect with my ex fiancée from years earlier I wouldn’t have been ready or available. Would have changed my life. And not in a good way at all. 
being a depressed version is a choice. You get to control you.  What will you do to make sure you’re the best version of yourself ?

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24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 Would have changed my life. And not in a good way at all. 
being a depressed version is a choice. You get to control you.  What will you do to make sure you’re the best version of yourself ?

Well the main reason I am depressed right now is because of the illness(an urinary problem). I am trying to be the best version of myself and I believe I am in my best moment.

I have grown, improve as a person, start working out to improve my self-stem. I lack of friends, which is something that scares me. Right now I have two groups of friends, one which will dissapear after breaking up with my gf. We will be on good terms, but I am the one that has to go.

It scares me because I am not good at making new relationships, I have not make a new friend since...well years. I fear being alone.

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19 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

Well the main reason I am depressed right now is because of the illness(an urinary problem). I am trying to be the best version of myself and I believe I am in my best moment.

I have grown, improve as a person, start working out to improve my self-stem. I lack of friends, which is something that scares me. Right now I have two groups of friends, one which will dissapear after breaking up with my gf. We will be on good terms, but I am the one that has to go.

It scares me because I am not good at making new relationships, I have not make a new friend since...well years. I fear being alone.

I'm very sorry you are ill!  I know that can trigger depressive feelings.  What activities can you get involved in where you meet people? Do you do volunteer work? What about volunteering backstage at a community theater? Do you belong to or go to a place of worship? How do you know you can't stay friendly with certain of the mutual friends?

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On 1/21/2023 at 6:15 PM, Batya33 said:

I'm very sorry you are ill!  I know that can trigger depressive feelings.  What activities can you get involved in where you meet people? Do you do volunteer work? What about volunteering backstage at a community theater? Do you belong to or go to a place of worship? How do you know you can't stay friendly with certain of the mutual friends?

I would keep being friends with them, but not with the group. I have problems with intimacy, and I end up avoiding intimate relationships which I now crave.

Well the  activity I attend to meet people was a language exchange which my gf join and invite one of the guys who is after her. Because of this guy I have end up disliking the actictivity as I am not relaxed knowing him or her will be there.

I have think about volunteer, but I am lost. Is it a good place? I do not know any easy activities where to know people but I ll try to find(I am open to ideas)

I am not a religious person and I cannot change that, but I envy some religious comunities.

Right now I am a bit ungry, I am still feeling ill (although this time feels it will fade away ) and my gf just send me an audio...that she is meeting for a coffee withe her yoga friends...(which are 2...)

 

 

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23 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

have think about volunteer, but I am lost. Is it a good place? I do not know any easy activities where to know people but I ll try to find(I am open to ideas)

I'd avoid the "I'm lost" excuses -you have the benefits of google searches and technology (I didn't when I started volunteering in 1981 -got my first volunteer opportunity because of an ad I heard on a radio program and it changed my entire life) - You're not lost -you simply need to take proactive steps towards your goal - baby steps are fine too.  I don't think volunteering is easy but it's an effective way to get  out there, contribute, and meet people. Good luck and I hope you feel better!

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I don't know about where you live but my city has community cleanup events nearly every weekend. Last weekend's event had 240 people show up! I can't imagine an event with that many participants wouldn't have lots of opportunities to meet people. 

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I don't know about where you live but my city has community cleanup events nearly every weekend. Last weekend's event had 240 people show up! I can't imagine an event with that many participants wouldn't have lots of opportunities to meet people. 

I will try to but I suck at connecting with people. I am soaciable but I cannot surprass that barrier you know. 

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15 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

I will try to but I suck at connecting with people. I am soaciable but I cannot surprass that barrier you know. 

Not much "connecting" required to pick up trash. You collect your bag and gloves and go to your assigned area. Everyone comments about the crazy things people leave on the sidewalk or on the beach or in the street. It literally requires zero social skills. 

Of course if you'd rather things stay as they are and you remain in your relationship and marry and have children with your girlfriend that's fine too. If that's what you truly want. 

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21 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Of course if you'd rather things stay as they are and you remain in your relationship and marry and have children with your girlfriend that's fine too. If that's what you truly want. 

That hurts! I have started looking for social activities like that, I have to at least create those opportunities.

Thanks!

* I dont want kids!

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Well a little update. She is finally ending her second period of exams this week, but things feel off.

We had a date where the spark felt like it has gone. I became a little clingy, and start making promise about our relationship. I still do not k lw why I do this, is like instinct.

Anyways she made me one promise. She wont break up with me while on exams, as she knows stress can affect her decisions

It broke me. I want to have a serious talk but knowing she had her last exam in two days I remind silent. The idiot of mine also booked for a spa day next week so we can relax together and I feel like I am going to lose my money.

I am sad. Is sad your partner thinking so less of the relationship. And it also hurts not having anyone to go to the spa with if not her

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33 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

The idiot of mine also booked for a spa day next week so we can relax together and I feel like I am going to lose my money.

I am sad. Is sad your partner thinking so less of the relationship. And it also hurts not having anyone to go to the spa with if not her

At some point instead of unproductively having a pity party and beating yourself up you'll own your choices, and you'll tell yourself you are accountable for those choices.  I'm sorry you feel sad.  She is not really a partner to you right? Many people go to a spa on their own.  You chose to treat yourself badly by booking a spa day with someone who is no longer that into you.  Next time hopefully you will make a different choice but it makes no sense to indulge in a pity party over a choice you made. 

I suggest timing your pity parties -give yourself 10-15 minutes a day to feel totally sorry for yourself -one period of 10-15 minutes - steep in it, be absorbed in it but when the timer is up if you feel sorry for yourself at other times tell yourself it will have to wait till the next day pity party time slot.  

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8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

At some point instead of unproductively having a pity party and beating yourself up you'll own your choices, and you'll tell yourself you are accountable for those choices.  I'm sorry you feel sad.  She is not really a partner to you right? Many people go to a spa on their own.  You chose to treat yourself badly by booking a spa day with someone who is no longer that into you.  Next time hopefully you will make a different choice but it makes no sense to indulge in a pity party over a choice you made. 

I suggest timing your pity parties -give yourself 10-15 minutes a day to feel totally sorry for yourself -one period of 10-15 minutes - steep in it, be absorbed in it but when the timer is up if you feel sorry for yourself at other times tell yourself it will have to wait till the next day pity party time slot.  

I booked it as a birthday gift and as to celebrate her exam.

But I will go alone if so. I read a lot about the 15 pity time, I will try to do it

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7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

There's got to be a reason why you keep trying to get her to love you. Whether it's a good reason or a bad reason is something you might want to think about. 

I think about it a lot. The only reason I got is I feel I want to support her when is stressed. But I want her to do the same

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3 hours ago, Kartoff said:

I think about it a lot. The only reason I got is I feel I want to support her when is stressed. But I want her to do the same

Why do you want to spend your precious time being "supportive" to a person who doesn't care about you? And "supporting" her would not be from a position of confidence and being a giving person but with the expectation that she would change her mind/heart and somehow be into you again.  That's not a great way to be supportive.

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15 hours ago, Kartoff said:

I am sad. Is sad your partner thinking so less of the relationship. And it also hurts not having anyone to go to the spa with if not her

xD

You can go to Spa alone, lots of people do it. Bit unorthodox but nothing that people would talk about. I had a friend(he sadly died) who went every year to vacation alone. He would book it with the group and hang around with them as the agency that books it organizes various activities for group. When he died I made a FB post about his death, and his friends from vacation saw it and messaged me. Man said that him and his wife met my friend on vacation tour and they even talked about going again that year all together in the same group again. What I am trying to say is, its not really that unortodox to do stuff you usually do with the partner on your own and you dont need anybody to do it. As you could just meet some company there.

Anyway, the way I see it you have 3 choices there

1) Stay there forever and be miserable. She clearly is fine with you just being there and taking her to Spa while she talks and does stuff with other men so she will maybe just keep you there forever.

2) Stay there and be miserable until she brokes up. One day she maybe meets somebody else who rocks her world and is willing to do stuff for her so maybe she cuts you off on her own.

3) Dont wait and break things up. As you are clearly miserable there. You will find somebody else and she would also be fine. Its the way of life, people come and go.

So, pick your option. But know that this is all on you. As you clearly have options and refuse to do anything about your own hapiness. Because of fear of being alone or just some blind loyalty to somebody who clearly doesnt give a damn about you.

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On 1/23/2023 at 2:06 PM, Kartoff said:

I will try to but I suck at connecting with people.

You're going to have to practice changing the self-sabotaging reel that runs inside your brain. Instead of saying that opinion to yourself, instead, what would be more productive is to say: Today, to improve my social skills, I'm going to ask the cashier who's ringing up my groceries how their day is going, and smile while I ask.

 

15 hours ago, Kartoff said:

It broke me.

 

15 hours ago, Kartoff said:

The idiot of mine

 

On 1/23/2023 at 12:10 PM, Kartoff said:

I have problems with intimacy

Do you see how the way you speak to yourself is being horrible to yourself? It's like you're thinking what you thought you've been--who you are--is set is stone. People can and do evolve. Time for you to start taking control of what you are thinking, and put more positive spins on things. Instead of: It broke me. You can think: I'm upset, but I'm resilient and have learned something about myself from this experience.

"The idiot of mine." If you wouldn't call your friend an idiot, don't call yourself one. If you can't be kind to yourself, you will attract abusers. It's a weird psychological anomaly.

"I have a problem with intimacy." Instead: I'm going to practice these steps to improve in the area of intimacy.

You have the power to improve. Start that practice now.

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18 hours ago, Andrina said:

 

You have the power to improve. Start that practice now.

Thanks a lot! You are totally right, is a thing I am actively working with my therapist. I need to change my intern dialog and treat me better. I am starting to become a little more assertive and see myself in another way, but it takes time.

 

 

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20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Where did this statement come from? Did you ask her if she was breaking up with you? 

Nowhere really. I promised her to not insist in living together until finsih, support her... She promised me that. We had one "break time" before during her first exam(first year of relationship) which broke me as it come from nowhere.It last less than a week, I gave her the space she asked yet she keep texting me lovely messages. We later stay together but when I asked what was her decision..she act as if nothing happened.

A year later she gave me the reason. She has a mental disorder(body dismorphia) and sometimes anxiety controll her.

 

Anyways in this case, it once more felt weird. It feels likes she wanted to break up but is having doubts.

 

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2 hours ago, Kartoff said:

It feels likes she wanted to break up but is having doubts.

Here's the proper standard IMHO "she wants to be with me 100% with enthusiasm" not "she's with me because she's not sure if she wants to break up with me so she's hanging on while she decides and I will settle for those scraps and buy her fancy spa packages"

If it's not 100% "yes!" with perhaps rare and resolvable doubts/jitters then do not bother. 

Also do the work and come up with very specific ways you will behave more assertively and "treat yourself better" because abstract cliches aren't gonna cut it. 

Like: "I am going to spend the extra __ dollars on the type of apples I really like instead of my second less expensive choice because I get enjoyment out of a delicious apple when I'm hungry" or "I am going to set my alarm 20 minutes earlier so I have time to work out because I know how awesome my body feels when I work out first thing in the morning" or "I am going to show up at ___event, promise myself I will stay for at least 45 minutes and talk to at least 3 new people." 

"I will sign up for at least one volunteer event within the next 30 days"

Or "instead of waiting for my gf to decide whether she wants to see me tonight I will tell her I am busy, turn off my phone/not answer her texts/calls and do something at home I enjoy or sleep" (because busy can be busy with yourself).  

Do that work - no excuses.  No brush off with "yeah yeah gotta treat myself better and be more assertive a la Scarlett in Gone With the Wind (awesome movie) "sigh.... I'll think about it tomorrow...."

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9 hours ago, Kartoff said:

It feels likes she wanted to break up but is having doubts.

I hate to tell you this, but that's probably only because she hasn't found your replacement quite yet. When she's more sure one of these guys she hangs out with wants to date her, she will be gone. 

And she won't give you the courtesy of waiting until the "best" time to do it. 

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