Genuinely confused

[notagain1000000]

Long story short, my partner of 26 years cheated on me several times around 10 years ago. We split up (she blew me out for one of these blokes), then said she made a mistake and we got back together after 3-4 months apart.

Since then, she has made very little effort and continued to work with, and be friendly with this bloke. She knew it bothered me but said that she felt bad and 'owed it to him'. Nothing about owing me anything!!!

Things have been on her terms ever since, there is very little sexual contact between us, I've given up trying to instigate anything as I got tired of continually being knocked back. I've explained this to her many times, she knows how I feel but doesn't do anything to change it, insisting that 'we don't have the opportunity', which is partially true as I work a lot and our kids are always around from morning to night. I wouldn't change that for anything (the kids being around all the time) but I'm still left feeling short changed as she found sufficient time with the other blokes!!

Anyhow, the latest 'issue' is that she is very close to her manager, buying him Christmas gifts, making him cakes etc and I'm left feeling extremely uncomfortable. My Spider senses are tingling, my instincts are all saying one thing (not good) but, whilst again, she knows it bothers me, she continues to do it and has no intention of changing. I know that I have no right to get her to change (she is who she is and I can't control her) but at the same time, in the light of what she has done in the past, it does seem very wrong that she doesn't take my feelings/views into the equation at all.

I find it hard to 'big myself up' but I'm going to be honest here and I really hope it doesn't sound arrogant but I've got a good job, I'm told I look OK and I can make people feel at ease and make them laugh easily. I will do anything for my kids and am always trying to arrange fun things for them or to take them on adventures and she never wants to take part or come with us and never arranges anything of her own for them.

Life is certainly not about financials but in the interest of setting the picture out completely, she has a minimum wage part time job, is averagely overweight and makes no effort as far as lipstick, nails or clothes go.

WHY do I feel utterly worthless? I feel like I will never be good enough for anyone, the harder I try, the less she seems to appreciate what I do. WHY am I the one on here asking for advice when she appears, on the surface, to genuinely not give a ***. WHY am I thinking about her cheating and yet, she has given me many excuses to cheat myself with her behaviour and lack of effort and yet, not only would I not as having been on the receiving end I know what it feels like and would never do that to another person, but she doesn't appear to give the slightest toss or even consider that I might have an affair or leave her?

Really confused here! 

 

[Kwothe28]

29 minutes ago, notagain1000000 said:

then said she made a mistake and we got back together after 3-4 months apart.

Well, there is your mistake, you took her back. 

Once they show you who they are, its not suppose to go back to old. Never. Because people wont see that you are some kind of "bigger person" by taking them back. All they would see is that you allowed them to do whatever they want, with no regards of your feelings. And that you still took them back. So that means they can continue their ways. Without any repreccussions at all.

You allowed her to have her own terms instead of your own. Where she even stayed in contact with her lover. So why should she change her own ways when she suffers no consequences? You wont divorce her and will always take her back no matter what she does. So as a result, she doesnt appreciate you and runs around with whomever she wants.

Same with your feeling of worthlessness. Its hard to feel good when you are with someone who clearly doesnt love you. And who runs around cheating with her manager. Because, yes, she is cheating there or at least plans to. So as a result you dont feel good or confident about yourself. 

Get a good family lawyer and get the divorce. It might be hard at first but its better then to rot away in marriage like that. 

[boltnrun]

You're "confused" because you're expecting a lying cheater to be a loving, faithful, honest and attentive spouse. Confusion happens when what we want and what is actually happening don't match. 

She probably wants you to pay the bills while she uses her minimum wage job as a dating service.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life married to someone who treats you like this? If not, and I don't usually advocate for ultimatums, but you have to sit her down and tell her she has a choice: the marriage or running around being single and dating. You are no longer going to finance her dating adventures. If she chooses the marriage, counseling has to happen immediately. If she deflects or accuses or makes excuses or denies everything, don't allow her to. Ask her again: the marriage, or being single and dating. If she refuses to answer, tell her she leaves you no choice but to look into your options which may include divorce.

Along with this I highly recommend you consult an attorney for ADVICE ONLY. You are not filing for divorce. You just want to know what your options are. 

I'm sorry this is happening. It's very difficult. My best friend went through this except she was a wife being constantly cheated on by her husband. She did end up divorcing him citing infidelity and is much happier and living a peaceful life.

[HeartGoesOn]

Overcoming infidelity may look good on paper, yet the odds of surviving the long term  are few and far between.

My thoughts are it's easy to forgive, but impossible to forget. In short,  I hope you find your way...

[jul-els]

When you settle for less than you deserve, you get less than what you settled for. 

[left due to request]

Mid-life crisis? Your description of your wife leads me to believe that she's not cheating.  Most cheating partner will go through physical changes that you can easily detect.  Make up, losing weight, new dress, new shoes etc...  I'm not convinced that your wife is cheating but rather your  resentment of her prior infidelity is finally catching up to you.  You are correct that she may not be trying to win you back, but I think she believes that you have forgiven her for it.  Apparently, you didn't since this is being talked about.

6 hours ago, notagain1000000 said:

WHY do I feel utterly worthless? I feel like I will never be good enough for anyone, the harder I try, the less she seems to appreciate what I do. WHY am I the one on here asking for advice when she appears, on the surface, to genuinely not give a ***. WHY am I thinking about her cheating and yet, she has given me many excuses to cheat myself with her behaviour and lack of effort and yet, not only would I not as having been on the receiving end I know what it feels like and would never do that to another person, but she doesn't appear to give the slightest toss or even consider that I might have an affair or leave her?

Read it yourself again only this time imagine that you are the wife.  10 years is a long time and people neglect themselves and adapt to their living arrangements and life. Are your growing apart from each other?  Probably but isn't that common?  Why did you take her back in after she cheated? Kids? love?  if kids, see it through and stick to your original plan.  If love, talk to her about it.  let her know what you typed above.   listen to her reaction then make a decision.

I would find a hobby and dedicate myself to it if that feeling persist.  Sometimes having too much time can be damaging.  Hell, go buy a Harley like all others or a convertible.

[1a1a]

Picking at only one thread here (there are many); do you want in your life partner, the attribute of hearing that something bothers you and choosing to make absolutely zero changes? 
 

Yeah, you can’t really tell her she can’t see someone, but it’s telling that she knows it makes you feel uncomfortable and chooses to carry on.

[notagain1000000]

Thank you all for your advice! I was going to reply individually but thought that might end up spamming the board!!!!

I have thought a lot about this today, and what you have said. It is the first time that I have been able to 'speak' to someone about how I feel and it has really helped.

I was expecting a barage of reasons why it is largely my fault (I'm used to everything being my fault!!!) and it was nice to get sympathetic replies, so thank you again.

To reply to a couple of points, regarding her not making an effort physically (the typical modus operandi of a cheating female), to be fair, she didn't make any noticeable effort last time! She is a bit of a conundrum personality wise, she is very naive on some things and yet, obviously, devious and calculating on others.

Regarding overcoming her previous infidelity, whilst it was never going to be easy, it would have been much easier had I detected a definite effort by her to show that she truly was sorry. I do agree that I was/am too soft and she views it as 'getting away with it' and me always going to be there until she decides otherwise. Either she is incapable of thinking about or isn't bothered by the possibility of me buggering off either alone or with somebody else.

Any more views would be very gratefully received, short term I think I will remain where I am (with my eyes firmly open), a) for the sake of the kids and b) to see what else/if anything occurs and in the meantime 'line my ducks up' for the future should the need arise!

She either views the past as one massive mistake (which is what she says) or she is a manipulative, devious, selfish woman. The two options are obvious polar opposites but only one can be largely correct and it is blowing my mind trying to work out which! Suspicion is like a rabbit hole, it just leads in one direction and goes deeper and deeper. What if I am reading too much into an innocent, if unsatisfactory, situation???

[boltnrun]

10 minutes ago, notagain1000000 said:

What if I am reading too much into an innocent, if unsatisfactory, situation???

If that were the case she would gladly cut back or completely stop her interactions with that other man. 

When you brought up your concerns did she assure you she cares only about you in a romantic and loving way? Did she tell you your feelings are more important to her and that she would never do anything to upset you or make you feel uncomfortable? Or did she minimize, deflect or indicate you were making a big deal about nothing?

[tattoobunnie]

What you see is what you get.  She cheated on you 10 years ago, but you are still punishing her for her because she doesn't wear makeup and made her boss a cake.  Think about this.

I can say this because I've been in your spot somewhat.  She cheated after 16 years for a reason, whether she felt neglected, unloved, undesired.  And you both never addressed it, and instead she was treated as a harlot who "owes" you something.  She doesn't, and doesn't have to be with you, and you don't have to be with her.

Now after another 10 years together, you both find yourself in a romantic rut.  Your children have to be grown by now, and you need to tell them to beat it, while you plan, and I mean actually plan date nights on the regular. Not just dinner, but movies, theater, plays, axe throwing, sporting event, concert, cooking lessons, dancing lessons, hiking, picnic-ing, hatever floats your boats.  

That's how you find your way back together.  Not the idea you both owe eachother something.  You owe eachother nothing.

[reinventmyself]

Unfortunately, another downside of reconciling after infidelities at some point you are at risk of losing their respect.  She might have respected you more if you stood up for yourself and walked away.  Add in your admittance that you continue to be soft on these continuing issues.  

Respect begins with you.  Do you respect yourself enough to believe you deserve better?    You don't necessarily have to leave her, but you can at least draw a hard line on what you expect in order to stay in this relationship.  She isn't going to respect you if you don't respect yourself first.

That old Dr Phil saying applies here 'We teach people how to treat us.'  You've taught her all of this is ok.

Drawing that hard line does often mean you might have to act on it.  You cannot be a lion with no teeth.  Gathering up your self esteem would be helpful and doing the 'hard thing' reinforces it. It's never easy, but often necessary.

[catfeeder]

On 1/12/2023 at 3:55 PM, notagain1000000 said:

Since then, she has made very little effort and continued to work with, and be friendly with this bloke. She knew it bothered me but...

No need to read past this. it makes no sense to list a mile of complaints about a person when relationships are 100 percent voluntary.

it's a new year. Walk forward and start a new life without this person.

 

[jul-els]

The only feelings you need to be clear about are your own. Is this what you want? If not, then it’s time to leave. It’s your own indecisiveness that’s making you confused.

[MissCanuck]

On 1/12/2023 at 9:55 PM, notagain1000000 said:

WHY do I feel utterly worthless?

Because you are married to someone who doesn't love you anymore. 

It was a mistake to take her back. Her behaviour since then shows you she didn't come back for the right reasons and the marriage is essentially over, for all intents and purposes. 

You have a big decision to make. 

[redswim30]

You don't sound confused, OP.  You sound angry, you sound bitter, you sound resentful.  You don't sound confused.  You sound hurt.

It wasn't clear to me if this boss is who she cheated with or not?  

Ultimately though, it doesn't matter.   You have two choices. 

1. Truly forgive her and move forward together.  Stop thinking about "who owes who" what.  This isn't helpful to anyone.  If you want to continue in the marriage, you have to fully let go of hurt and resentment, and CHOOSE to fully trust her and if you CAN'T - then you go to option 2. 

2.  Get divorced.  This is exactly why so many people get divorced after affairs.  It's not even that they don't love the person anymore, but they find they cannot let go of the deception, the hurt, the feelings of inferiority, the anger, the loss of trust, etc.  And I'm not judging, but I AM saying- You can't live with this hanging over you both, it's not healthy for either of you. 

I highly recommend seeking individual therapy to work thru what you really want.  If you're confused about anything, it's about what to do.  But you also can't have your cake and eat it too. 

If you want to stay in the marriage, stay for the kids- whatever.  Then you absolutely have to let the past go. 

If you cannot move on from this, then you need to get divorced and accept all that that comes with.  

There's no perfect choice, each one comes with pros and cons.  YOU need to decide what is most important to you. 

 

[lostandhurt]

First off you are ZERO at fault here and do not allow anyone to tell you differently.  You have every right to feel like you do.

 You are confused simply because you are not a liar and a cheater so her behavior is so foreign to you it is hard to comprehend.  Top that off with the love you feel for her and you have a perfect storm of  confusion. 

 You are afraid so you do nothing but talk to her about your feelings hoping the cheater you married will give you a small crumb of compassion and love. You are hoping and waiting for something that will never come.  You need to accept that your wife is not who you thought she  was, not who you hope she will become and not someone that you can stay married to.  To do this start reading up on cheaters, how they think, their selfishness, gaslighting ways and most importantly how they simply do not care. It will be easier once you see her for who she really is.

 My wife cheated on me after 20 years together.  I am told I am attractive, in great shape, awesome career, lots of friends and interests and I felt like you did. Am I unlovable? Will anyone ever want me? What did I do wrong to cause this? and on and on.  Guess what? I am lovable and you are too. Someone will be thrilled to be with you and most importantly you didn't do ANYTHING to cause her to cheat and treat you like she does. 

 Stop waiting for her make your life better and get to work on yourself. Get some info on divorce so it doesn't seem so scary. Get in better shape physically which in turn will help you emotionally. Basically build yourself up for the life changing thing you need to do. 

Keep posting

 Lost

[smackie9]

You got everything going on with yourself, but courage. Get a lawyer to start proceedings, find a new place to live, move out, start living your life.