I feel like I'm in a no win situation if I go with my gut

[Feelinglostsanduncertai]

In a bit of a quandary. My boyfriend of the last 18 months is compatible with me but he pushes for a
commitment of living together in the area of town where he has lived for over 40 years and all of his
friends and some family are located. At first, I thought this is something that was good for me and I can
handle so I signed a lease with him which doesn’t expire for another 6 months.

However, I have found that I’m not comfortable going from my home (and hometown) to an apt in a
strange place where I don’t know anyone except an old girlfriend of mine.

It may be different if he owned a home and I wasn’t moving into something so much smaller. I do enjoy
spending time with him but I’m just not sure if this is too much for me.

He asked me on New Year’s Eve if I would consider marrying again and told me that he wanted to marry
me but we could discuss it after his son’s wedding in September. I’m not surprised he asked me since he
has told me he enjoyed being married for almost 35 years (despite his wife asking for a divorce). I had a
good experience too but I’m much older now and I may want to live elsewhere (possibly, closer to my
family who live outside the area in another state).

I don’t want to lose him but need to be honest so we aren’t wasting each other’s time. He’s the best guy
I’ve dated in a very long time and we both love one another which is hard to find. Not sure there’s an easy way around this.

[Batya33]

I think if you don't see yourself marrying him I would move on now.  You want someone you're on the same wavelength with.  I can understand why you don't like your living situation -my sense is also the space would not be an issue if he was the right person for you.

It can happen that you love someone but don't have compatible goals.  I'm sorry!

[Cherylyn]

It's a win situation if you go with your gut because your gut is always right. 

[Lambert]

Do you live with him now?  The lease comments sounds like you do, but you mention "moving" as in this in the future.  

Maybe you are not as compatible as you think.  I would listen to my gut.  It sounds like he wants things that benefit him.  Does he know how you feel?  

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Feelinglostsanduncertai said:

I’m much older now and I may want to live elsewhere (possibly, closer to my
family who live outside the area in another state).

 I think it is wise to be thinking about the optimum place for you to be as you're getting older and might eventually need assistance from family. Not that there are any guarantees, but women usually outlive men, so if you move in with him and he dies when you two are far older, it'll be more stressful for you to uproot to another state at a later stage in life.

After my parents retired, I told my parents they'd have to move to my state if they wanted me to help in their elderly years. I think it would've been more optimal for them to have moved then, so they could establish new friendships while still healthy and active, and then they could have had friends over for meals, even if housebound.

But they waited until my mother was in really poor health. Of course, they enjoyed seeing us family, but had no friends near me and they joked their only social life was going to the doctor and dentist.

The fact you are even considering the possibility of moving to another state to me is telling that you'd probably get over him in due time without too much heartbreak.

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

It's a win situation if you go with your gut because your gut is always right. 

That's not necessarily true.  People with anxiety or depression, and probably some other things too, have feelings in their guts that are not based on anything besides general anxiety or whatever.  

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Feelinglostsanduncertai said:

I may want to live elsewhere possibly, closer to my
family who live outside the area in another state.

Is this the same man your adult children dislike because he wants you to sell your house and buy one with him? 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Jaunty said:

That's not necessarily true.  People with anxiety or depression, and probably some other things too, have feelings in their guts that are not based on anything besides general anxiety or whatever.  

Yes for sure and also why is she going so far as needing to listen to gut feelings -she has facts that she can look to to show what the right choice seems to be.

[smackie9]

Don't get married. You are not happy living with him so why would you even consider marriage? Just because you get along ok, the living situation is just as important. You are incompatible in that area, so the right choice would be for you to move on. It is a win situation when you keep your freedom. 

[Cherylyn]

15 hours ago, Jaunty said:

That's not necessarily true.  People with anxiety or depression, and probably some other things too, have feelings in their guts that are not based on anything besides general anxiety or whatever.  

Not necessarily.  Based upon my experience, whenever I went against my initial gut instincts, it was a mistake and I should've listened to that inner voice of reason in the first place because it would've saved me a heck of a lot of trouble.  Unfortunately,  my naivete cost me dearly.  Gut instincts and intuition are there for a reason because whenever there are red flags, naturally it forewarns of you danger or risky situations which often times can be avoided and prevented if you take heed of them.  If something is off or not right, it's off and not right.  This could be about people, relationships, dynamics, reference to business, other situations or anything.  It should either be addressed if there's a concern or make your exit. 

[SooSad33]

Well, I suggest you be honest with him about how you feel about everything....

First, you are living there now, as you said lease is up in 6 mos?  Then can you wait it out that long? ( from how I see it, what you want & what he wants is 2 different things regarding where to live... so that may cause an issue- but if you discuss it, you'll see where you stand).

Second, re: marriage.  if you don't want to marry, then you admit it.  He can either accept as is .. or not.  Can you two remain a couple if he's okay with it?

I'm not sure how long you 2 have been involved at this time- as you mentioned he had been married before for 35 yrs?  That is a long time.. so, I do hope he's been out of that a decent amt of time before you got involved with him.

 

[left due to request]

On 1/11/2023 at 6:35 PM, Feelinglostsanduncertai said:

I don’t want to lose him but need to be honest so we aren’t wasting each other’s time. He’s the best guy
I’ve dated in a very long time and we both love one another which is hard to find. Not sure there’s an easy way around this.

So.. I have a question.  Why did you say no to his marriage proposal?  Is it really the location of where you'd settle  down or is it something else?  You won't be able to avoid his family regardless of where you live.  It is, after all, just a distance...

Be honest and let him know how you feel about his town.  See what you guys can work out.