Will future partners not be invested in me because they've had so many before me?

[HolyCyber]

I don't have any relationship experience. So sometimes I wonder: the more relationships you have, is it true the less you invest in them?

It's something that I fear and suspect can be true. Giving your heart multiple times/the more sex partners you have, do you give less of yourself to each one? Or am I completely off?

I'm just thinking about the future, and thinking of finding someone, and I can be head over heels in love with them, and they can be invested...but only to a degree. Will they feel like I'm "it" and be invested all over again, just as much as I am?

A (probably silly) worry I hope other helpful people can put to rest.

[Batya33]

I think respectfully you are completely off - there is no finite amount of love and caring and passion and wonder. 

What do you mean "invested" -what are your personal expectations of how much a partner should be "invested" in you?  Actually some individuals who have had many relationships are even better at being close with their partners based on experience, previous wisdom, insight -I mean you've been close with family members and platonic friends so can you invest in a future partner sufficiently given other close relationships?Also if you have a child obviously you invest in both (I'm not such a fan of the term "invest" for this but am using your way of describing it).

It's not just about feeling like the new person is "it" -it's all about loving as giving - even on the days when you feel like your partner is not "it" but annoying lol.  

The issue is -and this is true of you too - if you are closed off for some reason to giving love to another person or unavailable -that could be true of you whether you've ever had a partner or a person could be closed off because of not yet ready after a recent breakup.  Or not yet ready because a loved one passed away (not a partner).

Hope this helps.

 

[MissCanuck]

Yes, you are completely off: 

Ive never heard this, nor does my experience in relationships support that notion. I’m not sure where you came up with this idea, but it isn’t something you should worry about. 

[Kwothe28]

Depends: Are you a man or are you a woman?

Because I am sorry to say, in the real world, rules differ depending if you are one or other. Woman virginity is something cherished. Something some women even managed to sell for millions of dollars(not even joking). Men virginity is something nobody gives an F about. When man tells you he is a virgin you automatically think he is a loser who cant find a girlfriend. So, depending of what you are, you would either be cherished because you had none or almost none partners, or ostercized because of it. 

Also "the level of investment" doesnt really depend on that but on what your partner is searching for and are they able to invest themself into relationship. Sure, if your partner had many partners before you, they maybe are not really searching for a relationship at all, or you would maybe have trouble to "perform" as they are more experienced(but that more depends on your sexual compatibility). But it really does matter if you manage to find somebody ready for the relationship, ready to invest into it and manage to make it work.

[Seraphim]

The ability to love is not finite . 

[Tinydance]

No I don't think people invest less the more relationships they have. I always wanted a serious relationship so I think I did invest in the people I chose to be with. I didn't have serious relationships with anyone I didn't feel very strongly about and who meant a lot to me. If they didn't mean a lot to me then I wouldn't have been in a relationship with them.

Although I've noticed that some people do invest less in some relationships than others and that's because they don't mind if they always feel strongly about that person or not. For example, I have a male friend who always just really wanted a girlfriend. He asked out all his female friends. He actually told me that out of like five or six long term girlfriends he had, he only felt strongly for two of them. And at that time he told me he'd actually never even been in love.

I think there are some people who don't mind just settling or just having people for companionship. Also it depends on what kinds of relationships they're actually looking for. Some people may have some more casual relationships but also at some point might be married. So obviously they would invest a lot more in their marriage than in the others. I don't think the level of investment would necessarily depend on how many people they've actually been with. It would probably depend on how much they cared about each particular person.

I guess it might be a scary thought for you that potentially someone might not be as "invested" in you. If you want to be with someone who is really serious about you and invested then I think you'd just have to get rid of people who aren't. Some people will continue dating someone even if there are signs that person isn't really into them. But instead they could end it and then they'd have a chance to find someone who actually is invested in them.

[Coily]

In some ways this is a landmine topic.

The answer really comes down to "it depends." Not really an answer. Also Kwothe28 really got to the crux of the matter are you a man or a woman; people have vastly different reactions. But that aside I'll expound on my thought process.

In terms of relationships, it depends on dating or serious and committed. There is really no threshold for dating, you may see someone for months and not figure out if the dynamic is what you want or not. On the other hand you could have a date a week with someone and just never really click; most people go through this process so consider "just dating" an infinite limit. Now when it comes to serious relationships,if you are changing serious partners every 3-5 years; that's a small red flag. Your romantic partner may wonder if you choose poorly or suffer from "the grass is greener" syndrome. Then again it takes trial and error to find someone worth investing in, so it's different if you're age 30 vs 60 with relationship claim jumping.

Sex is a whole different ball game. It's mercurial, cruel, and wildly unfair; but it's human nature and basic instincts at play. If you have 3 serious relations ships and 3 sexual partners no one will bat an eye, but if it's 3 and 23, those are going to throw red flags for some. But some are contradictory and won't care about any numbers at all. Though in my experience women AND men will hesitate with anyone who has a lot of sexual partners if the end goal is marriage.

What really matters is are you dating trying to find someone for the rest of your life, or the rest of the week? If you are looking towards marriage/lifetime, then it's usually better to slowly explore your experiences (relationship and sexual) so there is something fresh and new with who you want to spend the rest of your life with. Now that's not to say limit yourself artificially for "the one," it's more a think before you jump in.

[Betterwithout]

This all depends on the person and their previous experiences.

In my relationship experience, many people 18-25 are not as guarded and fully open their hearts too soon and leave themselves more vulnerable to have their hearts on the line.

Then the more mature experienced 30-40 year old people I have come in contact are guarded at first, then slowly open up their hearts.   Likely from wisdom and past experiences (good and bad)

Then there is this scenario.... a 50 year old person who is recently divorced and was married for 30 years is going to be much different than a 50 year old person who never settled down.

Put your worries to rest and enjoy the process! 😍

[smackie9]

Your answer is no. Investing more or less is based on their personality/attitude, who they are as a person. 

[Batya33]

I’m sure many people have sexual experiences but not relationship experiences. For example my friend’s daughter was promiscuous as a teenager and early 20s then wanted to settle down. I believe her husband was her first serious relationship.  They married in their 20s almost ten years ago. 

[HolyCyber]

Hi all,

Thank you for these thoughtful responses. I really appreciate them.

To answer those who asked, I'm 25 and a woman. But what I gather is that it all depends on the person. Some people are ready or willing to open their hearts, some are not, and that doesn't really correlate to the number of past experiences. Makes sense.

[Tinydance]

I've also realised that being "invested" may mean different things to different people. Some of my friends for example don't believe in marriage but they're still really into their partner. Therefore to them, they feel they're invested in their partner. Whereas someone who wants marriage may feel that their partner isn't actually committed to them if they don't want to get married.

Also I have quite a few polyamorous friends so they have more than one relationship. Some also date people as well as having serious partners. I couldn't really understand polyamory at first. Some of them explained to me that they still want to be in love and have serious relationships, but just with more than one person. So in their case they actually have 2 + partners at the same time but often they'd be invested in all of them equally.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, HolyCyber said:

Hi all,

Thank you for these thoughtful responses. I really appreciate them.

To answer those who asked, I'm 25 and a woman. But what I gather is that it all depends on the person. Some people are ready or willing to open their hearts, some are not, and that doesn't really correlate to the number of past experiences. Makes sense.

And some are not aware of being "ready" and then are when they meet the right person.  Or they're not ready to "open their hearts" but they're ready to date and get to know someone and see if there is potential for a serious relationship.  I'd advise you not to overthink this aspect or get too deep as it's so very individual.

It never occurred to me to consider whether a man was ready to "open his heart" -if he asked me out on dates and he said he generally was looking for a serious relationship then I assumed he wanted to go on a date with me. After dating for a month or so we often would discuss exclusivity.  I never asked or wanted to know if he was ready to open his heart.  I watched his actions in asking me out on dates reliably and being interested in dating me and getting to know me.

[tattoobunnie]

Nope! You are worthy of great love no matter how many people you've slept with dated, hooked up with, etc.  Do you not care for a best friend if they have a lot of friends?

And dating is a numbers game!  Just focus on having fun and learning about the person first.  It will work out great if you love yourself first!

[waffle]

1 hour ago, HolyCyber said:

Hi all,

Thank you for these thoughtful responses. I really appreciate them.

To answer those who asked, I'm 25 and a woman. But what I gather is that it all depends on the person. Some people are ready or willing to open their hearts, some are not, and that doesn't really correlate to the number of past experiences. Makes sense.

I actually understand your concern.  

I am actually turned off by men who seemingly bed every woman they meet (and I can't be the only one who is), because who wants to be just one more notch on a bedpost at the end of the day?  It's the same concept IMO.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, HolyCyber said:

Hi all,

Thank you for these thoughtful responses. I really appreciate them.

To answer those who asked, I'm 25 and a woman. But what I gather is that it all depends on the person. Some people are ready or willing to open their hearts, some are not, and that doesn't really correlate to the number of past experiences. Makes sense.

It's good to be thoughtful about this stuff, but not to ruminate and create unnecessary fears.

Relationships can be our best teachers of how to be in relationships--and how to NOT. We all make mistakes in our moments, and this can help us to better understand, OR, it can make us defensive or fearful--depending on how we use the experiences.

However, I don't believe that it's smart to take an inventory of another's experiences. That's like deliberately poisoning your own well.

It's sort of like saying, if you had a lot of friends in school, you don't have any seriousness left to be a good friend to me as an adult. Or if you've had a lot of sex in your past, it's not possible for you to have matured into someone who now associates sex with love. 

It's not wise to make assumptions about what others have gained or lost through their private experiences. It's not only unfair to them, but it'll do a number on your own head, have you noticed?