I Left Him Because He Hated Life-- Valid Reason to Leave?

[seroyla]

So here I am single again and in my own apartment that I haven't lived in for the last 3 years but paid rent on every month while I lived in his house.

 

The last thing he said was "Even though you have a master's degree, I don't believe in all that mumbo-jumbo you learned in school-- you think way too much and make things too complicated. I just wanted sex-- not talk about marriage, children, religion, and breaking-up."

 

I watched his boss hit him at the last two Christmas parties-- put up with his 6 hour long gripe sessions with his co-workers about work on a regular basis. I was designated driver for 3 years while he tried to drown his misery with alcohol every weekend.

 

And I got fed up- tossed 3 years of committment, loyalty, and close friendship with him and his own circle of friends-- out the window. I wanted to get engaged, get married, have children, and most of all I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be happy--- not just deal with things as they came and make do with being unhappy and unsatisfied with life when things didn't pan out. He turned down my proposal, he hated children, he questioned God, he had no respect for my job and called my co-workers "pigs" (they're cops), and he never prepared for the future... but yet he said these things were NOT valid reasons to break-up over.

 

I have nothing left except this apartment, my clothes, my car, and my job. No more friends, I'm alone.

 

Would you consider my breaking up with this kind of person personal growth or copping out? He says I threw out 3 years of something good... did I? Do I analyze life with too much complexity? Should I think more simply and be satisfied with living with a life-partner who hates life?

 

I told him what would've made me happiest would've been to see him truly happy in life-- but he said he thought I just didn't love him anymore and was grasping for a straw to get out.

 

Can you actually show a person you truly DO love and respect them by leaving them- or is it just showing them you are self-fish?

 

What do you think?

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Something tells me you aren't done with him in the relationship.

Anyway, i guess the question is ARE you happy with him?

And if you aren't -- would you rather live life with him or would you be much less happy without him?

Finally, will he ever make that final commitment?

It sounds like he needs anti-depressents either way.

[brando]

Sounds like you did alright. I can understnd your fustration.. dont take personally the things he said about you, he may have been hurt because you ended things.

 

You two want different things in life, that is okay, at least you seem to want more than he does. Trust the decision you made, it will payoff in the long run.

 

He doesnt want children, doesnt want to be married, etc... sounds like he has more growing up to do.

 

I was unhappy for a long long time, didnt know what it actually was, i blamed my ex wife, her children as the cause. (We went through so much pain and unpleasantness with her older daughter), it was completely childish and irresponsible of me for doing so, i didnt know what else to do at the time, so she opted out. I cant blame her though, it took me some time to realize my character defects, i still miss her, but it is what it is.

If it werent for this divorce, i probably would have continued on in my ways, wanting to be unhappy and projecting it on her... now she had her faults as well, but atleast now i can do something about myself.

 

It is hard trusting your instinct, but it appears you had enough of his ways, it hurts now, but is it more or less painful than being with him. Answer this honestly.. everything will fall into place, believe me, things always turn out for the best, it is the struggle of getting their that obscures us, makes us think we made a bad decision.

 

Their is no right or wrong in life, just choices. It is how we handle the choices we make that helps shape us and carries us through life. The more you questin whether you made the best choice, the more you will be dissastisfied with it, trust yourself... you cant steer yourself wrong.

 

I hope this helps.

[seroyla]

Of course I was not happy with him... I pity him... and the bad thing is the longer he stayed in that job, let that boss abuse him-- the longer he just complained about how awful his life was but NEVER once did anything to improve it-- the more I told him to find professional help-- the YEARS I waited for him to actually follow through with his promises-- to propose one day, to think about having kids one day, to find another job one day, to find happiness... one day....

 

All the years hoping one day he'd suddenly realize he had more things going for him than he gave himself credit for---waiting for him to try to find some little ounce of happiness in life and then the last night only to find out he wasn't even happy with me and was just putting up with me....

 

All that time I waited to be that 'something' that brightened his day and waited to be 'the' someone he looked forward coming home to.... and I suddenly realized I wasn't and I never was. He just put up with me because he was content to be miserable.

 

Not my best moment.... so no, to answer you question-- no I wasn't happy with him and I wish I hadn't given him so many chances to be happy with me.

[Mr Mister1]

if the boss was hitting him why didn't he go to the police?

[shes2smart]

If there is one thing people who will not do anything to improve their own lives hate, it is watching those around them try/succeed at doing just that. It takes away their excuses. It confronts them with the fact that they're choosing to stay miserable. They would rather put effort into sabotaging your efforts to improve yourself so you will stay stuck and miserable with them.

 

Are you selfish for leaving? No. When it comes right down to it, no one is going to take care of you or look out for your best interest like you can. And no one else should be expected to...that's your job. Being around negative people can alter your attitude and eventually it will have an impact on your physical health. Is it selfish to want to put yourself in a physically and mentally good place? No.

 

The way you describe your bf reminds me so much of an alcoholic ex I had years ago. Everytime I tried to break up with him, he'd play the selfish card. When I got past the yelling and screaming and name calling, he was calling me selfish because I:

 

1. refused to shoulder most of the bills to keep him fed and keep a roof over his head

2. refused to give him money for booze and pot

3. "made" him get & keep a job to help with expenses

4. wanted a better life than living paycheck to paycheck in a cramped apartment

 

That's just the short list.

 

It is clear your bf has some problems. Just from the fact that he continues working for someone who has been physically abusive. Sorry, but there are other jobs out there. However, his issues are not YOUR problems. He has to work on them himself...no one else can fix it for him.

 

I was also told I "think too much" and "analyze things too much" and "want too much." Don't you believe that crap for a minute. As long as those traits aren't getting in the way of you living your life (like someone with obsessive complusive disorder who MUST wash their hands for 20 minutes everytime they touch something) they're just part of who you are.

 

I left the alcoholic, and several other bf's who told me that my idea of a relationship was nice but not realistic, and eventually married someone who was not only willing -- but able -- to co-create the kind of relationship I wanted to be part of. We have great conversations that many would regard as "thinking too much" or "analyzing too much." As far as I can tell, we have a relationship many would envy, but few want to do the kind of work to actually have.

 

I only have this now because I was "selfish" enough to want something better and get off my butt and go after it.

[RandomAdvisor]

I don't see it as a cop out either. Being around someone who's negative all the time can be very taxing emotionally.

 

I'd also like to know why he didn't go to the police? What kind of job does he do?

[kskm]

I think that if you are with someone that doesn't want the same things in life as you do then you definitally can't marry them! And you can't have kids with someone that doesn't want any! All of the red flags are up and you took note of them.

I know that you are lonely now but you will make new friends and begin to have a fresh new life here soon.

Don't go back to him because of pity. That's the worst thing that you can do. You have to live for you, not someone else.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

I actually think she will go back to him but that is once more besides the point.

Honestly I think the guy might be genetically predisposed to depression, something most people with normal levels of dopamine, serotonin, and endiopherine, can't understand.

If he didn't care that his boss hit him then he is definitely very depressed.

I am willing to bet (although I don't remember if you mentioned this or not) he probably wasn't interested much in sex either and if he was it was to get his mind off feeling like crap.

As far as not wanting kids or to be married (something that has nothing to do with maturity!) that might change once he is feeling better.

I am NOT saying you should, however if you do decide you want to give this guy another chance give him an ultimatum, he needs to seek clinical therapy and start trying anti-depressants.

It isn't his choice whether or not to be happy. It is his choice whether or not to get help for it.

Finally you need to remember it isn't about you. His rejecting you has nothing to do with you. He is a very sick person.

[seroyla]

Thanks guys...

 

I gave him the ultimatum of getting professional help or else and he just gave the excuses..."when do I have the time?" "I don't need a shrink to tell me....." etc...

 

I felt if he were going to take me seriously then I needed to be the one to follow through.

 

I guess it just makes me mad to think I wasted 3 years of my life because I'm a loyal person...

 

I guess I just was loyal to the wrong person.

[Finchabald]

i dont think you have to worry. sounds like he was being the selfish one. like making you be designated driver etc. It obviously wasn't a two way/fair relationship. i think you did a good thing ending it. You now have more freedom and he can learn a valuble lesson.

[annie24]

And I got fed up- tossed 3 years of committment, loyalty, and close friendship with him and his own circle of friends-- out the window. I wanted to get engaged, get married, have children, and most of all I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be happy--- not just deal with things as they came and make do with being unhappy and unsatisfied with life when things didn't pan out. He turned down my proposal, he hated children, he questioned God, he had no respect for my job and called my co-workers "pigs" (they're cops), and he never prepared for the future... but yet he said these things were NOT valid reasons to break-up over.

 

You don't have to ask us - I think that you have a perfectly valid reason for breaking up with him. If him not wanting to marry you, not wanting children, and not respecting you aren't valid reasons to break up, then I don't know what are. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married and have kids and be in love and happy. Clearly he doesn't share these goals, so there's no reason to continue any longer.

 

Honestly - he sounds like a loser. You work with a bunch of cops - mostly men, right? I'm sure that they must know lots of nice single guys that they could set you up with. But, only once you're ready to start dating again.

 

You'll be fine. You have a good job, an apartment, you seem like you have your act together. I'm sure in time, you'll meet someone who shares your life goals.

 

Good luck!

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Ser if it is consolation I was too so you have my honest sympathy on this matter.

What you need to do now that he knows his ultimatum is NC and date healthier people. If he is meant for you and really cares he will follow your advice and try to win you back.