I'm feeling very much like a side chick right now....am I right to be worried or just paranoid?

[toothless5]

I have ruined numerous relationships in the past through mistrust and creating scenarios in my own head. It makes it difficult to trust my instincts. Because I don't know if it's genuine instincts or me creating a worst case scenario in my mind, from which I will spiral downward from. This may be long.

I have been seeing this guy on and off for a couple of years now. Not currently exclusive. But we are close, and we are sleeping together. As such, I am fully aware and accepting that he may continue to date other women. I get it. But, what I do have a problem with is....if he is in a serious, monogamous relationship with someone...then that makes me the side piece. And, I am not cool with that.

A little back story: spring of last year, I was creeping (I know, I know) and found him tagged with another woman, and he was also tagged multiple times at a teen girl softball tournament. I could only assume that this was an OW, but there was no way to confirm without admitting I was cyberstalking.

It was a combination of me going no-contact and him ghosting over the next several weeks. But, we did eventually re-connect during the summer. I say re-connect. But only via phone and text. No actual dates during this period.

That said, a few months ago, August maybe...he accidentally sent me a bunch of softball pictures. And immediately was like, "Shoot ignore that." I played dumb, and did exactly what he said, I ignored it. However, it did confirm to me that if in fact the lady from the softball game was OW, they were likely still seeing each other.

Flash forward, we have had a dates since October. Every indication is that he is single and available. We have gone to some of his regular places. It's not like we've been hiding or something.

About 3 weeks ago, I was at his house and he showed me his renovation, and he told me that he had a "friend's" 14 year old daughter help him. Even told me the girl's name. It pinged as a bit of concern. But, I convinced myself, with the way he's been acting, that even if she was an OW at some point, maybe they really were just friends now.

Then...last night. I had sent him a suggestive pic earlier in the day, and he kept telling me throughout the day how good it looked and how he couldn't stop thinking about it, etc. So, I invited him over sometime this weekend to catch up. He said he was pretty busy all weekend, and that the only time he had available would be last night. But...here is how he worded it:

The fundraiser on Sunday. Training in the evening on Saturday then training in the morning tomorrow hopefully as well. Tonight would be the only time I have free.

Now....I didn't know what fundraiser he was talking about, so I asked, since he made it sound like something I should have known about. The funny thing, is if he had said, "I have a fundraiser on Sunday" I may not have thought a thing of it. So...I asked him....what fundraiser?

For a friends kids softball team

There's that "friend" again. He's an awfully good friend, huh? But for real, how many people would be that invested in a softball team if the person was just a friend?

I decided to call his bluff. I wasn't really up for company last night. But, I figured I'd offer. He ended up declining. He is the one that said he was available last night in the first place, so...what changed? I tend to wonder if once he brought the up, it planted a seed of guilt in him. Especially since I haven't heard from since.

Here's what I don't understand. Is there an OW or is there not? He's not openly admitting to it, but he's also not exactly trying to cover it up either. So...if he doesn't care that I know, why not just tell me? And, if he does care that I know, why doesn't he make up a fundraiser for some other group? Or some other plans altogether? Or why openly tell me the girl's name?

So.....as experts.....if you were betting people, would you say I am probably the side chick?

 

TLDR

Guy I'm dating has a "friend" wondering it maybe it's more than that.

[Jaunty]

You say you're "on and off" and not exclusive, and that you're aware that he may be dating others.   Seems like you don't see each other very often. 

It's odd that you use the term "OW" when you refer to this woman.     If this woman thinks she's in an exclusive relationship with him, YOU would be the OW.  Not her.

I'm sorry but it's hard for me to wrap my mind around you being willing to keep going with this very casual, and seemingly quite intermittent "hookup" type of deal, while at the same time obsessing over what he's doing and with whom in his everyday life.   

Why are yo doing this to yourself?  This has been going on for TWO YEARS and you don't even know if he has a partner?  Why?

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, toothless5 said:

So.....as experts.....if you were betting people, would you say I am probably the side chick?

 

I would say that it doesnt matter. You agreed to a game he is playing. You could be "chick 1", "chick 2" or "chick 5". You are still somebody who he is dating casually. So even if he dates other people or is exclusive to them(at least on paper lol) that doesnt changes your situation at all. Because you are still "Casual side chick 5". If you are not OK with that, then you shouldnt date that guy at all.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, toothless5 said:

 on and off for a couple of years now. Not currently exclusive. I am fully aware and accepting that he may continue to date other women.  

All you need to do is end it. You seem to want a BF/exclusive relationship, but he's not offering that. 

At first you say you're ok with casual sex, but it doesn't seem so.  Reflect what's best for you. 

Unfortunately you're getting overinvolved and overinvested in someone who's just sort of around but not interested in a relationship.

 

[toothless5]

I appreciate all of your responses, I really do. 

And, I am well aware that there are lots of ways to look at this, and that the root of it is that it isn't an exclusive relationship.

BUT. 

I think the main question I wanted addressed was....does it sound like he has a gf? 

That's the starting point of all this, for me. Because if he has a gf, then he is a cheater, and I can walk away from this situation knowing what kind of person he is. But....if it's not a gf, then....I can take your all advice and...address the arrangement, ask myself if I am happy with it, if not, address it with him, and so on. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, toothless5 said:

think the main question I wanted addressed was....does it sound like he has a gf? 

That's the starting point of all this, for me. Because if he has a gf, then he is a cheater, and I can walk away from this situation knowing what kind of person he is. But....if it's not a gf, then....I can take your all advice and...address the arrangement, ask myself if I am happy with it, if not, address it with him, and so on. 

It's easy.  You already are comfortable being naked with him and having intercourse with him so I mean what's the issue in being direct in saying to him "if you now are in an exclusive relationship with someone else I do not want to be involved with you because then I'd be involved in your cheating on her. If you are  dating and having sex with other women obviously that's fine with me but I do draw the line at being involved in your cheating on someone else.

If you don't trust him to be honest with you then I would stop having intercourse -I mean why would you risk STDs and/or pregnancy with someone who would deceive you?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, toothless5 said:

 if he has a gf, then he is a cheater, and I can walk away from this situation knowing what kind of person he is. 

 Whether he has a GF in addition to your arrangement is not as important as reflecting if this arrangement works for you. You don't really need to label him as a cheater or FWB or anything if you are basically not happy with what you two have between you.

[Jaunty]

All you can do is ask him.  That said, though, the nature of his relationships with other women is very much none of your business.  This has already been established.  

It seems that you don't have the boundaries in place to deal with this type of arrangement.  Evidently you have long periods of no contact which you've spent "creeping" and thinking about his activities.   I don't think it's working well for you.  

 

[redswim30]

On 1/8/2023 at 6:22 AM, toothless5 said:

 

I think the main question I wanted addressed was....does it sound like he has a gf? 

That's the starting point of all this, for me. Because if he has a gf, then he is a cheater, and I can walk away from this situation knowing what kind of person he is. But....if it's not a gf, then....I can take your all advice 

YES.  She is at LEAST his gf.  Let me ask you this- Are you 100% positive he's not married? 

In all honesty, I don't know many men (or women) that would want to hang out regularly with someone's teen kid if they weren't serious about them, and that's without the assumption that he's a creep. 

You are the side chick, no matter what.  You don't have to justify breaking up with him.  It doesn't even matter if he's not exclusive with any of the women he's seeing and not doing anything "wrong", one fact remains- YOU AREN'T HIS TOP PRIORITY.   You need to decide if you are truly ok with that or not.  It doesn't sound like you are. 

[HeartGoesOn]

On 1/7/2023 at 9:31 PM, toothless5 said:

I have been seeing this guy on and off for a couple of years now. Not currently exclusive. But we are close, and we are sleeping together.

Sleeping together is not equal to being exclusive, in fact as much as you'd like it to be, it's simply an arrangment where sleeping together is the goal. Rather than be labeled a cheater, he's a free agent, and not to sound harsh but he owes you nothing.

I'm not sure what you're getting out of this, unless it's a matter of having low self-esteem, or choosing to remain in denial, etc.   All in all, you have some thinking to do, and I wish you the best.